What is wrong with 30-something, single women?

[Male30something]

Hi there,

I hate to generalise, so I want to emphasise that what I am about to share is purely anecdotal and based on my experiences over the last couple of years. I really feel I need a female perspective hence me posting here - sorry to take up your time.

I had a couple of rewarding longterm relationships in my 20s which didn't work out for one reason or another and now aged over 30 I have started to date more seriously once again.

The problem is, single women in their 30s are totally different to 20 somethings.

I have dated semi-seriously four women in this age group over the last couple of years (one after another of course!) and I have been unable to take any of these relationships further because of one problem:

All four women are obsessed with jumping the gun and planning family/children etc. Now I appreciate women have different body pressures as they age and the fertility window is not that large, but it seems to me that all four of these lovely women value an incredible connection with a partner at a lower level than they do having children - possibly even with anyone vaguely suitable!

I haven't decided whether I want children personally, but I'm much more likely to end up wanting to have children with someone I have an amazing connection with I reckon. It is sad that so many women my age don't prioritise a loving relationship before children. All four women shared my interests eg exercise, travel, history, languages etc to varying degrees.

I'm sorry if I'm wrong on this - I'm just feeling a little dejected after a split, where for the fourth time in a row I have felt the same issues arise. I just spoke to the lovely lady in question who was upset that she will now have to wait even longer to have a child - proving my point once again. Different priorities? Where are the romantics?

WhereYouLeftIt has it spot on.

Connection schmonnection. You really think this is what keeps a couple together through all the ups and downs life throws at you?

Think again, my friend. You may have something to learn from the three women you have split up with, who have already faced far harsher truths than you seem to have.

Are you dating single mothers OP?

OP is being thrashed here. I'd get back to walking the labs MM OP.

People have certain biological imperatives if I can put it that way. Asking what's wrong with a woman who wants to have a child is rather like asking what's wrong with people who want to have sex.

Sex = procreation and also recreation. Same act, different objectives.

You just have to date women who don't want children but you will have to, be prepared for that desire to develop. The important thing is complete honesty - neither should string the other along.

OP - I know women who have already chosen their honeymoon destination, the flowers they will have at their wedding, their childrens names, It is all planned out - they have yet to meet the man.

I know where you are coming from, I think it's a mix of several reasons not just the clock ticking. I suspect most women in their 30s have had at least a couple of relationships that stalled or plodded on too long from having no agreed goals so 30 somethings may not wish to spend another 2 years here, 18 months there on a drifting relationship and be more forceful in expressing what they want upfront. That said being made to feel like you are auditioning as a sperm donor is wrong too.

I think you need to make it clear up front you would only want a child with someone you were deeply in love with not with anyone for the sake of having a child.
Be aware of the 'whoops a daisy I forgot to take my pill and now I'm pregnant' women too - from observations that happens a lot with women 30+

I must say i think there is something in what the op says as well. I have a friend who thinks everyone is The One and despite issues that crop up, would like a ring and a commitment very soon in, so that she can plan her life and stop waiting for it to start. I feel that she is headed for a fall with this attitude, and potentially with a baby in two, which if the man goes away, will vastly impact her life.

I do think it's sad if a woman misses her fertility window but I also think that a relationship does have to be tried and tested right.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with single 30 year old women.

The problem is that the people they are hoping to have kids with, in many many cases, are still boys at heart and are not up to the job of rearing a family.

OP - you say I think it could be more depressing though if someone were to have kids with someone they didn't feel that connection with? There might be regrets later on?

I can only say to this 'doh'. Women have the kids and in many many cases, are stuck in bad relationships just because they couldn't wait until they were 100% - because the clock is ticking.

It's a shame that this even has to be pointed out to you.

Dating in your 30ies is different. If two 30-something's meet, it is often the case of getting married quicker and starting a family.

This is because of reasons others have mentioned. Women in their 30ies don't have time to date someone for years and just see where it goes.

I have been dating my boyfriend for two months and we have already established the fact that we both want children. Otherwise i don't think we would be dating.

What a moron you are, OP, not to be able to figure this one out for yourself! Sorry - but really, are you that dense?

Anyway, what solidgoldbrass said.

OP has asked the wrong question! He asked what is wrong with women in their 30's. One could ask why a man in his 30's is still searching for the one and not realising that actually he is a grown up and part of being in a relationship is making firm choices about wanting or not wanting children.

It is my observation that some men are emotionally insecure. They want women to be solely there for them rather than be a true partner. This isn't about finding a connection, it is about being fair and mature.

Be aware of the 'whoops a daisy I forgot to take my pill and now I'm pregnant' women too - from observations that happens a lot with women 30+

Really?? This happens a lot? I have only ever seen this on telly and I am a 30 something woman, with lots of 30 something friends. It's pretty offensive to brand a whole group of women as probable sperm stealers.

OP you have been given a lot of great examples and analogies on this thread. Hopefully in the morning you might not be feeling quite so tired and emotional and might be able to take some of the points on board

So if you're not sure you want children can I assume you're relationships with these women were not sexual? It's just that, you know sex can and often does lead to pregnancy. Many babies are here due to contraception failures so maybe you should remain celibate until you've made up your mind.

I have a lot of single mum friends in their 30s. I would say only seeing 4 women is a tad on the low side. Some of dfs go out every other weekend and date 6 different men in a weekend. They will dismiss some bring in new guys and eventually narrow it down. Not too sure if this is just my dfs but none of them would just date 1 guy exclusively from the first date.

I think op you should be more upfront about your views on children. I don't know if you've met these women through on line dating or not where you can be up front about these things before even contacting each other. I am 37 and thought I'd had my children with someone you mention this amazing connection with. However he chose to leave me last year! So I'm not sure the whole connection thing should be as important as you think without also considering the fertility issue facing women in their 30s .

Its very rare for a man in his 30s not to have at least decided he wants children yet as by this age most have at least 1. It sounds like you dont want children so you will just have to be clear on that when you meet women.

You think you would let fate decide if your fertility had a window but you have no idea really. You are speaking from the luxurious position of being able to wait until you are elderly and still be able to have children.
For many women, children are a deal breaker and they would rather have one and potentially end up single than not at all. Different priorities to you, that's all.

So you date a 32 year old woman. 18 months in you are still not sure she is the one you want kids with.

She is now little over a year off 35 and her fertility dropping.

She has to start again. Maybe spend another 18 months or a little longer before the bloke is sure he wants kids or wants kids with her.

Now she is over that 35 and bloody hell starting to think of 40 and still childless.

30 something women laying on the line that they want kids sooner or later are the sensible and smarter one who wastes several years getting a connection with a bloke who then still doesn't know what he wants and can take longer to decide.

There is nothing 'wrong' with them for knowing they want kids and have a limited time for it to happen.

Loved your post, whereyouleftit. Fart in a trance...

Of course to women in their 30s who want children, will not want to waste time with someone who doesn't. They are not choosing children over a 'connection'. They probably want both!
Someone who wants children and a man they feel connected too.

Most men in their 30s know whether they want children or not. Men can wait longer, but at the same time if they want more than one, they wait too long and become ' older' dads with the children still at home after retirement. And looking like the 'grandad'.

Most men would see themselves as a young dad like David Beckhan, not an older dad like Rod Stewart (no offence to Rod, he is rich and famous so can do as he pleases)

Of course you will have more in common with a 31yo than a 21yo but you'll probably have even more in common with a 25-28yo wrt where you're at in terms of settling down/ family/ timescales etc.

Stop messing women about who aren't on the same page as you (and complaining there's something wrong with them) and find some who are.

OP - in.general mothers love their kids more than their partner. if you think you would struggle with this then dont.have kids.

Really wilma?

OP, I think you're right actually. I think that if they had to choose, many women would choose having children over having a partner, although obviously both together would be better.

In your OP, you imply their priorities are wrong, but they would believe otherwise.

Surely you love each other the same and dont have favourites. Sounds a lot like the man is just there as a sperm donor. Of course both parents prioritise their childrens needs but the original couple are important and knowing your parents are in love like that helps children grow up happy.

OP how long did you date all those women for?

What did it matter if they wanted children? You say you are happy to consider kids for the right relationship, so why not find out if it would be the right rel? If not, it doesn't matter too much does it? Or do you feel bad about wasting their time (which is a good thing to consider)?

Is it possible you're misreading them and when you think they want kids above anything, they're just saying they don't want a casual rel? that if said connection is there, they only want to pursue it if their partner would also want children - that they're actually looking for a connection AND kids?

You realise you're coming to an age where it is harder to find women who are ambivalent if you're dating in the same age group? women have no choice but to think about fertility earlier. You can just keep moving on to younger women if you fancy it, after all.

What would be wrong if you said to Ms X, a few months in, 'oh yes I definitely want children too' - it doesn't mean you'd be forced to have them with HER, just that you're saying if the relationship goes well you'd be open to it.