More of a wwyd - strange husband situation

[clpsmum]

My DH works away from home mon-fri and just recently been working a lot of weekends too. For the past couple of months he never answers his phone but always calls me back saying he didn't hear it, was asleep, in shower etc. didn't think anything if it at first.

Then we went away for a week and while we were there he said he received a phonecall asking him to go back to work a day early. So we got back sat pm and he went away before I woke up on Sunday. Fine because we need the money but found it a bit strange they rang and asked him tbh.

Now he's turned up home with a black eye, broken nose and covered in cuts and bruises. He's given a story he saw a man punch a woman and got into a fight and this is how it happened. He doesn't know the people and although police were involved he's told them he doesn't want to press charges.

This happened on Thursday night. He didn't call me on Thursday or Friday to tell me about it just turned up home on Friday and told me about it.

Am I right thinking this is all a bit suspicious or is it my imagination working overtime? Genuinely looking for honest advice as I can over analyse things sometimes! Sorry for long post

So sorry op, you need to decide what you're going to do about it. Must be a shock!
About the not contacting you though - if he had been involved in a fight he may have been arrested and hell at the police station for a while, if so he wouldn't have been allowed to contact anyone but if his story is true you'd think he would have phoned you straight away.

Hope your ok OP x

OW partner decked him! Random strangers assaulted him and he didn't want to press charges? More to this than meets the eye.

Oh dear I hope you are ok x

He's still denying he's done anything wrong. He's sticking to the story about the fight and the phonecall while we were on holiday. I found messages on his phone but didn't actually get a chance to read them. He refused point blank to let me see them but swears blind that he's done nothing. I've told him I want a divorce and he still won't admit to anything. I'm so bloody confused

Sit down and calmly tell him that you want to see his phone / facebook / email etc otherwise you are making an appointment with a solicitor. When he refuses and tries to put it all back on you - you dont trust him etc, pick up the phone to the solicitor and let him hear you do this. I think his actions from this point onwards will be very telling.

Something similar happened to me with a previous DP.

He came home with a dislocated shoulder! Claimed he didn't know how it happened! Made me suspicious so I started looking for evidence. Found membership to an illicit encounters site on bank statements.

He denied everything until he was blue in the face. Even when I was crying almost begging him to tell me the truth for my own sanity, he still denied. Then when I found text messages he STILL denied anything was going on, they were just friendly etc etc.

Anyway turned out the OW husband came home unexpectedly caught them at it and threw him out hence the dislocated shoulder.

The fucker STILL tells anyone who will listen that he didn't cheat.

Sounds like same going on here.

Of course you are confused. He will make out you are crazy and overreacting. He is such a twat. You won't get the truth.
Good advice from headless. Take control. Take back your power.

Listen to Frog...
Of course you are confused. He will make out you are crazy and overreacting. He is such a twat. You won't get the truth.
Good advice from headless. Take control. Take back your power.

He either needs to provide you with proof he's not lying or he's lying as simple as that. Do not allow him to blame you, confuse you, manipulate you.

Be strong OP.

I have to agree with headlesslambrini on this one.

Think about it. If your marriage was at stake, wouldn't you show your OH your phone messages if you had nothing to hide and he was worried that you had cheated? (as a one off - I think the constant checking implies that there are serious trust issues anyway)

Have you asked for the police incident number yet? I'd demand that as well. Since police were called for it, they take names of everyone that was involved. I'd be willing to bet that there's information on there that he doesn't want you to know, possibly what he's involved in... or who he's involved with (as in OW).

But he's obviously not interested in coming clean. Is this the kind of person you want to spend the rest of your life with? Someone who is perfectly happy to lie to you at the drop of a hat? You may have to face that you may never find out what's going on, as he is not likely to tell you unless you have such solid evidence he can't back out. And honestly, even THEN many will cling to their lies. But that doesn't mean you have to stay with him.

OMG why do they always do this, keep lying and making out it's the wife that is in the wrong. He's got the opportunity to prove his story is the truth by showing you his phone. I hate the lies it's so demeaning.

Listen to headless and frog, they are offering good advice.

Because they're arrogant. They've gotten away with it, simply by lying, thus far, so they come to believe they're invincible and clever and can easily convince others even when there is evidence to the contrary.

Things I wish I'd done when faced with evidence:

Told someone in RL, who knew us both, who wouldn't tell me I was mad, paranoid, controlling or insecure.

Told him to move out for a while whilst I sorted out how I felt and how I wanted to proceed.

Told him that unless I had the full facts I wanted him to go any way.

Sought legal advice for a worst case scenario forecast.

Listened to my gut instinct more closely.

Put myself and my needs before his.

Sorry OP. He's lying to you and he'll continue lying for as long as he can.
Try visiting Chump Lady and read her posts on cheating.

He refused point blank to let me see them but swears blind that he's done nothing

If he's done nothing then why can't you see them?

You know what he's been up to.
He knows what he's been up to.

Make an appoinment with a solicitor and see what you are entitled to etc...

Do you work?
Joint mortgage or rent?
Children?

Knowledge is power.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

Can someone link to the 'cheaters script'?
He'll be following it to the letter right now OP.

for you.

I've told him I want a divorce and he still won't admit to anything. I'm so bloody confused

He doesn't have to admit to anything for you to divorce. You can simply say

'You are lying to me, you are not showing me love or respect, I don't trust you and, right now I don't even like you. I am going to start divorce proceedings because I don't want to live with someone who treats me like that.

If you would like to change the way you are treating me and start to show some love, respect and intelligence, we can discuss this like adults. Otherwise, this relationship has come to it's natural end and I will contact a solicitor. How long do you need to think it over?'

If he immediately starts to deny everything then you pick up the phone and call the solicitor. If he says he wants 24 hours to 'think it over' he has at least opened up a chance that you could talk about this.

Then you can tell him 'You have one chance to be honest with me and tell me everything. If I find out later that you've lied to me again we will be back to square one. I am not prepared to be messed around, I am better than that and I deserve the whole truth. Do you understand?'

By making these very clear statements and getting a response from him, one way or another, you are showing him that you are strong and you know your own mind (even if you really don't feel that inside).

He will panic because he will be in the opposite state and won't be at all sure of himself. He won't want to lose you - if he did he would have left already - so he will at least give you something. Hopefully that will help you find out more about what's been going on.

I'm not sure if a solicitor can find out from police what might have happened but that might be another way to get some clarification.

I've told him I want a divorce and he still won't admit to anything
By the way.
This isn't a court of law.
You do not need 'proof'.
He does not need to 'pleed guilty' for you to have justification to start the process of divorce.

Could it be that there may be another woman, who's husband found out, and in violent rage attacked her. She contacted your husband who was angry about the OW being hit and beat the tar outta the husband.

Stand you ground, OP.
It is over now, you don't need to listen to his lies or excuses.

Hope you are OK op.

Clps mum, really sorry to hear that things have become even more muddled. I have to agree with you and your own gut instinct: it sounds dodgy as hell. I did wonder why you think the texts were suspicious, given that you didn't get to read them. Is it just because they were under a woman's name? Obviously, he will have deleted them now but I can't imagine why anyone innocent would refuse to let you see them. Are you going to try any of the things suggested like calling his employer or the local police to try and get more concrete evidence of what went on?