Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've blown it!

85 replies

DuckedUp · 01/08/2014 22:08

I split from my husband last year. He was EA and it took a long time to break free.

I met a lovely man three months ago. I was really starting to like him a lot. We got on really well, sex was great. It was lovely! I was starting to think about a future.

We had an amazing time on Monday and he met some of my family. But then this week, I felt like he was backing off. He had a bad day at work and was pretty crap on the phone one night. I cut the conversation short after five mins because he was mumbling and clearly didn't want to speak. Then for the next two nights, he said he'd text me later and didn't.

I was convinced it was going tits up and I felt really vulnerable. I'd always been pretty chilled out before then. After a night of driving myself batty, I sent him a message this morning saying I was annoyed he kept saying one thing and doing another, he clearly wasn't bothered and we should call it a day. I can't believe I did it.

He accepted my decision, said he hand't wanted it to go that way.

This evening, I called him and said I was sorry. I knew it was a ridiculous thing to do. I said I'd felt pretty insecure because I really liked him, to me thats quite scary. I asked him if we could get past it, because I didn't want it to end and I realised I'd acted batty.

He said the fact I was annoyed he didn't text rang alarm bells. He didn't know why I thought he was backing off because he wasn't. He didn't want drama this early in a relationship and to him, it's done.

I'm gutted and can't believe Ive ruined it. I am not usually so dramatic or insecure. Please be nice to me. Is there anything I can do now? I'm such an idiot

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 01/08/2014 22:12

He sounds moody. Sure, we all have bad days, or evenings where we can't be arsed engaging with others, but after a mere three months it's crap to muck you about like that.

I'm wondering if he just felt it was going a bit fast, meeting the family etc. think about it, if you'd had a bit of a bad day, would you have mumbled and been crap on the phone to him, and dissed him for two further nights? Of course you wouldn't have.

Think he's best kept dumped tbh. Onwards and upwards! Xx

JaneFonda · 01/08/2014 22:13

He's not worth your time!

Seriously, anyone would be annoyed if someone said they would text two nights in a row and didn't. That's not anything to 'ring alarm bells', that's him backing off and trying to turn it into your fault.

He sounds very immature and I'm sorry you're feeling hurt by him.

Original poster
DuckedUp · 01/08/2014 22:16

Thank you. I think this is what I need.

Do you not think it was a completely bat shit thing to do, to dump him for not texting me?

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 01/08/2014 22:17

Nah, you didn't ruin it, you were right.

You called him on his behaviour and he didn't like it.

He was backing off. Better you know. Now do NOT start idealising him as the one who got away, if only you hadn't blown it etc. That isn't the story.

Onwards!

JaneFonda · 01/08/2014 22:19

No, not at all. Don't let him convince you that it was just about the texting.

Him being moody and withdrawn, and not communicating properly with you is why! Three months is no time at all, really, and at that stage it should still be lovely without anyone ignoring anyone else.

I think you're a lot more aware of what you want/don't want from a relationship after your horrible experience with ex-H, so obviously you don't want to waste your time on anyone who would make you feel this way after 3 months.

MorrisZapp · 01/08/2014 22:20

I dated a guy once who phoned up to cancel a date for some crap reason. Half an hour later, he rang back and said actually he might as well come round after all. When he arrived I said it felt like I was being mucked about, he said but this isn't meant to be a serious relationship.

There's a huge difference though between having a casual or early stage relationship, and treating somebody like crap.

I never saw him again.

BitOutOfPractice · 01/08/2014 22:20

Hmmm. But to be fair he called you on your behaviour too - which, as you admit, was rather drama lama-ish

The moral - don't make ultimatums you are not happy to follow through

Original poster
DuckedUp · 01/08/2014 22:22

Do you think?
After the phone conversation, he text to apologise for being rubbish, he was tired and we'd speak later. We didn't.
The next day, he text to ask about my day and then said he was off out and would text again when he got back. He didn't.

He said today (after i'd dumped him) that was because a friend had come round with marriage problems.

I also felt insecure because he said he was going to a friends' barbecue on saturday and I wondered why I hadn't been invited after he met some of my people. I didn't say that but it contributed to the dumping

OP posts:
Original poster
DuckedUp · 01/08/2014 22:24

Yeah BOOP i am fully aware it was.
I'm frustrated that he didn't understand it was because I have a history, and I felt a bit vulnerable and couldn't over look it. Not that I blame him

OP posts:
Cantbelievethisishappening · 01/08/2014 22:52

Hmm..... I can see it from his perspective to be honest. Yes he said he would text but you have come across as a bit full on and dramarama when he didn't. Chalk it up to experience and don't dwell on it. We've all done stroud shit like that. Maybe you need to address some of your own issues before venturing into the world of dating. It can be brutal out there.

Original poster
DuckedUp · 01/08/2014 22:54

I honestly don't think I can go into the world of dating again for a very long time. I feel sick, I'm so annoyed with myself!

OP posts:
Cantbelievethisishappening · 01/08/2014 22:57

I've done similar.... Don't be hard on yourself. Dating can be hideous. Next time you feel the compulsion to send an angry make or break text save it to drafts and leave to for half an hour then decide if you still want to send it. Texting can be a bloody nightmare where dating is concerned.

PlantsAndFlowers · 01/08/2014 22:58

I think you over reacted, but if he really liked you I think he would forgive you after your apology.

TeenageMutantNinjaTurtle · 01/08/2014 23:04

I completely agree with PlantsandFlowers, he would have moved past it if he was really keen. The fact that he accepted it so easily tells me he was probably backing off. I don't think you caused this...

Chalk it up to experience and keep dating. There will be someone else it will all seem easy with.

brokenhearted55a · 01/08/2014 23:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hatpin · 01/08/2014 23:16

Just had a similar experience OP, only I sat on my hands and didn't send the dumping text in the end, and two days later he did it himself.

Really wish I'd got in there first!

I don't think you'll regret this in the long run....who needs a moody, PA person in their lives?

Original poster
DuckedUp · 01/08/2014 23:21

This is all really helping thanks.

To be honest, I hadn't really seen much of the moody before that but I guess it's early days and it would have come. If he wasn't planning on dumping me anyway.

He has had a pretty shit time of it himself and has said a couple of times he thinks he has got himself to a place, where he can't be hurt be hurt by other people and he can switch off emotionally.

I think this is why I started to feel insecure. I was starting to really like him but wondered if he was really capable of it.

But I think it is also why he upheld my decision. Because he will "never let anyone treat him badly again"

OP posts:
CherryEarrings · 01/08/2014 23:26

He got cold feet, and manipulated the situation so he could blame you. You did not cause this but he wants you to think you did. If you hadn't called him on it, he probably would have kept you on the back burner for a while. Classic knob behaviour.

Cantbelievethisishappening · 01/08/2014 23:27

Out of interest, how old is he? Based on your last comment and your previous history it is probably a good thing you are out of it. Any man who states that he will not allow anyone to hurt him again just sounds a bit too soap opera. Perhaps I am to much of a cynic as well. I think my response to someone saying that to me would be 'see ya'.

Original poster
DuckedUp · 01/08/2014 23:31

Im 32 and he's 33. His ex-wife left him for another man and he's seen a lot of tragedy in his family. He just says he's able to get over things and move on quickly. And a few times he's said things like "na, nobody can hurt me" or "nothing bothers me"

When I started to like him though, it made me feel like I was at a real disadvantage. You know like i was the only one taking a risk so once I got a feeling he wasn't bothered about me, I waded in and fired off the text

OP posts:
CherryEarrings · 01/08/2014 23:34

Have you met his friends and family OP?

HanselandGretel · 01/08/2014 23:35

He sounds petulant and passive aggressive and all to ready to lay the blame on 'your behaviour', this 'I won't let anyone treat him badly', sorry but he is the classic 'victim' mentality. Look up a book called 'Why Does He Do That' by Lundy Bancroft, I think you may recognise his behaviour in there.

littleSpud · 01/08/2014 23:36

He sounds a dick

And not that into you, sorry

You're well rid x

Original poster
DuckedUp · 01/08/2014 23:38

He doesn't have any family. I've met a couple of friends.
I mentioned before one of the reasons I started to feel weird this week was because he said he was going to a friends BBQ (very close ones I haven't met before) this saturday and I wondered why he didn't ask me to go with him seeing as he had seen some of my people earlier in the week.

And actually, I didn't push the meeting, it was more of an accidental thing because we were going to the same place. He seemed happy to and said "nothing bothers me, you know that!" Of course it doesn't. ;-)

OP posts:
Original poster
DuckedUp · 01/08/2014 23:39

Really Hansel? I didn't get the impression he was abusive at all and I like to think my spider senses are working well after the ex. He's actually been nothing but lovely save this week

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread