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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've blown it!

85 replies

DuckedUp · 01/08/2014 22:08

I split from my husband last year. He was EA and it took a long time to break free.

I met a lovely man three months ago. I was really starting to like him a lot. We got on really well, sex was great. It was lovely! I was starting to think about a future.

We had an amazing time on Monday and he met some of my family. But then this week, I felt like he was backing off. He had a bad day at work and was pretty crap on the phone one night. I cut the conversation short after five mins because he was mumbling and clearly didn't want to speak. Then for the next two nights, he said he'd text me later and didn't.

I was convinced it was going tits up and I felt really vulnerable. I'd always been pretty chilled out before then. After a night of driving myself batty, I sent him a message this morning saying I was annoyed he kept saying one thing and doing another, he clearly wasn't bothered and we should call it a day. I can't believe I did it.

He accepted my decision, said he hand't wanted it to go that way.

This evening, I called him and said I was sorry. I knew it was a ridiculous thing to do. I said I'd felt pretty insecure because I really liked him, to me thats quite scary. I asked him if we could get past it, because I didn't want it to end and I realised I'd acted batty.

He said the fact I was annoyed he didn't text rang alarm bells. He didn't know why I thought he was backing off because he wasn't. He didn't want drama this early in a relationship and to him, it's done.

I'm gutted and can't believe Ive ruined it. I am not usually so dramatic or insecure. Please be nice to me. Is there anything I can do now? I'm such an idiot

OP posts:
Hatpin · 01/08/2014 23:43

Broken has a point. That was exactly what was going on in my case - what I thought was an exclusive situation turned out to be him keeping his options open (having successfully convinced me to close mine down).

But a couple of days before I found that out, I had a real gut feeling something was off.

Like PP said it at 3 months in it should be easy and no sudden strange changes of behaviour Smile

CherryEarrings · 01/08/2014 23:48

If the only things you know about this man are what he has told you, then take it all with a large pinch of salt. It takes a long time to really know someone, and yes, I am cynical.

Cantbelievethisishappening · 01/08/2014 23:49

"Nothing ever bothers me" "No one can hurt me"
That alone should make you realise that he is not the one for you. Do you want to be with an emotional void?
People have shitty lives and unspeakable tragedy to deal with...... It is no excuse to turn into a controlling arse. Perhaps he needs professional help.

Original poster
DuckedUp · 01/08/2014 23:54

Yeah this is all true
I met his flatmate and best friend of many years an he must have told me "you know X hasn't cried in years, he has no feelings!" he said it as a joke to tease him, and actually, i don't see anything wrong with him not crying for years, but it was definitely an in-joke about him being cold.

He didn't seem cold to me. Except not very huggy in bed. But then, i'm not either

OP posts:
Original poster
DuckedUp · 01/08/2014 23:55

I meant to say

he must have told me "you know X hasn't cried in years, he has no feelings!" at least three times in the handful of times i met him

OP posts:
lunatuna · 01/08/2014 23:56

I can see why you are kicking yourself, but seriously... he acted badly, you (understandably) overreacted slightly and it is over. He is pinning the end of the relationship on your overreaction and brushing over his poor contact. I think you are best out of it. Someone who refuses to have feelings so they can't be hurt, and refuses to admit mistakes is very likely to be a painful partner for you.

Do you think the pain of this break up could be saving you from greater pain and confusion further down the line?

Original poster
DuckedUp · 02/08/2014 00:04

It's definitely better happening now. That's why i did it. I don't want to be in anything where I am into it more than they are.

Also I need to be careful who I go on to have a long relationship with as I have a toddler.

It was just when he said he wasn't backing off and he hadn't wanted it to end, I regretted what I had done. Because I didn't either really. I'll miss him, we spoke everyday, we had a lot of fun. The sex was the best I've ever had!

Such is life

OP posts:
Kleptronic · 02/08/2014 00:05

I reckon he's got a whole big massive pile of stuff he hasn't even begun to process yet, and basically you've dodged a bullet.

HanselandGretel · 02/08/2014 00:05

What struck me was the way you said he was off with you on the phone, you picked up on this and cut the call short. Then he doesn't follow up with you and basically lets you go with no resistance whatsover, in fact he turns it all around so it's all your fault - sorry but I smell abusive tendencies there, it comes in different guises but it's emotional abuse all the same.

Original poster
DuckedUp · 02/08/2014 00:12

So he let me go because I cut the call short?

OP posts:
HanselandGretel · 02/08/2014 00:24

He let you go because you in his mind 'created drama', which he does not wish to deal with, he could have got beyond it if he wanted to but choose not to. He's left you feeling shitty and regretful and is doing nothing to take any of his share of the blame - he's switched off just as easily as he switched on. It's all or nothing with the 'victim'.

Original poster
DuckedUp · 02/08/2014 00:45

thank you hansel. i feel a little exonerated

OP posts:
Original poster
DuckedUp · 02/08/2014 07:23

Had a sleepless night going over it all. Arrrrgh u the the break up angst! I wish I could turn back the clock.

I've deleted all his numbers but I can't stop th

OP posts:
Original poster
DuckedUp · 02/08/2014 07:24

Oooops posted too soon

I can't stop thinking about wanting him to change his mind

OP posts:
Quitelikely · 02/08/2014 07:29

I bet he does change his mind! Give him a few days and he'll be in touch!

WhatsGoingOnEh · 02/08/2014 10:41

He got the classic 3-month freak-outs. Happens to lots of men. After 12 weeks of dating they back away for a bit while they decide if they want to take the relationship further - or leave. He left.

Don't take responsibility for this. That'll keep you really keen on him for AGES because you'll start believing this would have been the perfect modern-day Romeo and Juliet love affair if only you hadn't gone mental and ruined it. In your mind, you've brushed aside the stuff that was annoying you (his cooling off) and only remember your psycho text. You're rewriting him as perfect and yourself as rubbish.

Stop this! Yes you sent an over-emotional text that you didn't mean. You were trying to push him into giving you attention. Yes, that was a nutty thing to do and next time, DO NOT DO THAT.

But in this case, you haven't lost anything at ALL. You were right - he was already backing off and wanted to finish things. He was ALREADY thinking that. (Who knows why? We don't, and we don't care.)

So please rewrite this in your mind. Try to remember this experience as, you met a bloke, he was nice at the start, then he cooled off and started being a dick so you dumped him because it wasn't good enough for you. Then stop dwelling on anything else. And definitely never contact him again.

Sadly this relationship wasn't meant to be. Lick your wounds, make some plans with your favourite friends, go to Boots and treat yourself to some make-up/beauty stuff to cheer yourself up, buy a new dress, go to the gym, start writing a novel, rearrange your bedroom, paint a wall bright red in your kitchen... Keep busy and realise that actually, the Universe is back in alignment and there's something better waiting for you. Not this Roboguy who prides himself on having no emotions. Hmm

lottieandmia · 02/08/2014 10:43

You can't trust people who don't do what they say they are going to do.

lottieandmia · 02/08/2014 10:45

Actually I really don't think it's nutty to be confused by someone who suddenly changes their behaviour.

eddielizzard · 02/08/2014 10:51

well he was sending mixed signals. you picked up on it, and it seems to me that there is just too much second guessing and sensitivity on both sides for this to work comfortably. personally i think he wasn't being open and honest. i also think your expectations weren't the same as his. very difficult early on in a relationship.

but i think it wasn't going to work long term. clearly he has ishoos that might be difficult to get past. you are trying to get past yours.

best you can do now is to get over him, get back to yourself and see where you feel in a couple of months.

HanselandGretel · 02/08/2014 10:54

I don't think the text was 'nutty' either, yes, she forced his hand as a way of getting 'through' to him due to frustration. Yes, preferably as he should have played it cool but that's not where her head was at at that moment, he left her hanging for two days and she built it up and reacted. Not 'nutty'. That's what he'd like her to think though. The guy was cooling off as soon as he didn't text those two days, her spidey senses on that were working perfectly well.
He would have been hard work all the way as she would have to muffle her true feelings so as not to upset him and make him withdraw. Believe me, I've had this and it drives you to distraction.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 02/08/2014 11:05

It wouldn't have been nutty if she'd meant it. But she didn't. She rang up to apologise for it and took it all back.

Castlemilk · 02/08/2014 11:21

I too think you've dodged a bullet.

I've known a few 'Nothing can hurt meee' types.

Without exception, they have ended up being (in emotional intelligence terms) MASSIVE BELLENDS.

The Persona: - I'm so tough, a wild-eyed loner standing on the chasm, I've been through dark times, been hurt - I've BEEN there man... and nobody will ever get that close again! You may touch my coat tails... But don't think you can contain me - I am impervious to Love!'

Most of them simply have loads of issues they don't have the emotional intelligence to process, so they simply decide they're a cross between Clint Eastwood and the Littlest Hobo. Others have just not ever grown up and move straight onto this once they're grown out of pretending to be Spiderman.

Sure, there are people who have been hurt and are wary in relationships because of it. But they don't go on and on and on AND ON about how they are so cool to be untouchable/unbothered/not caring about anything.

He would have turned out to be a NOB. I can almost guarantee it Grin

HanselandGretel · 02/08/2014 11:24

Because she sent the text in a state of anxiety, bad idea I know but her own vulnerabilities were working overtime. Then she regretted it and rang to smooth it over but he already had his 'out' all there for him on a plate. He told her he wasn't cooling off, in that case, why not give her another chance? Nope, unforgivable isn't it? One hasty text and you're out! The guy sounds passive.

brokenhearted55a · 02/08/2014 11:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HanselandGretel · 02/08/2014 12:00

That's classic Broken, emotional abuse with bags of manipulation thrown in. An ex of mine turned on me like this after I caught him out on lies, he went from 'Mr Sensitive' to 'Mr Nasty' in the space of seconds. His treatment of me still haunts to this day. I read the book I mentioned in another having seen it recommended somewhere, it really described his 'personality' and made me see it wasn't my fault. These kind of guys are very good at getting us to blame ourselves.