I've blown it!

[DuckedUp]

I split from my husband last year. He was EA and it took a long time to break free.

I met a lovely man three months ago. I was really starting to like him a lot. We got on really well, sex was great. It was lovely! I was starting to think about a future.

We had an amazing time on Monday and he met some of my family. But then this week, I felt like he was backing off. He had a bad day at work and was pretty crap on the phone one night. I cut the conversation short after five mins because he was mumbling and clearly didn't want to speak. Then for the next two nights, he said he'd text me later and didn't.

I was convinced it was going tits up and I felt really vulnerable. I'd always been pretty chilled out before then. After a night of driving myself batty, I sent him a message this morning saying I was annoyed he kept saying one thing and doing another, he clearly wasn't bothered and we should call it a day. I can't believe I did it.

He accepted my decision, said he hand't wanted it to go that way.

This evening, I called him and said I was sorry. I knew it was a ridiculous thing to do. I said I'd felt pretty insecure because I really liked him, to me thats quite scary. I asked him if we could get past it, because I didn't want it to end and I realised I'd acted batty.

He said the fact I was annoyed he didn't text rang alarm bells. He didn't know why I thought he was backing off because he wasn't. He didn't want drama this early in a relationship and to him, it's done.

I'm gutted and can't believe Ive ruined it. I am not usually so dramatic or insecure. Please be nice to me. Is there anything I can do now? I'm such an idiot

Also I had the 'my life is falling apart, I can't do this right now' (breaking up with me), turns out he was OD at the time and actively seeking someone else. A real sheep in wolfs clothing, so nice and gentle, wouldn't say boo to a goose sort.

His low degree marks, his job, his family, you name it nothing was his fault = 'The Victim' (from Lundy's book) urgh, the worst sort apparently and as you say they eventually turn on the next one when it doesn't go their way.

castlemilk -- your post is my favourite-ever post on MN, bar none. So funny and true!

*He went back not forward though. He met someone on OD who he didnt eant. Kept dating and met me. We fell in love met family and friends, made reference to his new house being an investment for our future.

But I think the one he rejected stayed in touch as he ended up going out with the one he rejected after one date before he met me*

Eerily similar to my story. The shit will one day hit the fan with them too though, when they're not being catered to as they would like it and start fault finding.

This thread has helped me so much today! I was sat reading some comments with a friend and we were saying "yes, exactly that!"

So thanks everyone for the advice. I still feel ridiculous for acting batshit. I keep thinking about it and slapping my forehead. I wish I hadn't done that. But I'm begining to see I wouldn't have if I didn't have a reason.

I just wish I hadn't given him a reason to think I am unhinged.

Still sad. It'll go soon. I'm going to keep rereading this when i start losing my mind again.

I know, but he doesn't think his behaviour was unreasonable does he, and in my weaker moments, I think "was not texting and being tired on the phone?" that bad.

But then, I do think, if he wasn't backing off then he would have accepted my apology.

Now I'm going round in circles again! I will be over this man before the week is out i am determined!

DuckedUp My DD recently broke up with her partner, and something she told me could apply here. She said "I thought he had hidden depths, turned out he had hidden shallows".

It's horrible that you feel so bad, please don't blame yourself. He didn't have to behave the way he did, he chose to.

I have done the same

I think he wanted to back it off but was too chicken. H sounds like too much hard work anyway you're better off and at least you haven't wasted too much time on him....

Next...
(It shouldn't be hard work three months in at all)

Stopping texting and being "tired" on the phone aren't unforgivable crimes, no. But don't forget he'd also not invited you to his friends' BBQ, and his mates had warned you three times that he was a cold, unemotional person who never got upset about anything.

Rightly or wrongly, you decided that this all added up to shit you just didn't need and finished it. Boom. Like a Ninja, you swept in at the first sign of fuckwittery and called him out on his crap, and nuked him. NEOWWW.

You were probably right! If this had been a month later, when you'd seen more of his crapness and his gloss had tarnished a bit, you'd be more sure you'd done the right thing. As it is, you simply preempted things. You cut it off before it had got really bad - which has to be a good thing, no?

Please please stop thinking you've been an idiot. PLEASE start feeling PROUD of yourself for chucking a bloke you felt was messing you about. That's a skill we should all cultivate. How many of us have stayed with blokes who've treated us badly for YEARS? At least you cut it off early!

Instinctively, you did the right thing. I know you're kicking yourself a bit now but I am 100% sure, in my heart of hearts, that it was the correct move.

Now, take some time and some action to build up your win self-confidence. What can you do to feel amazing about yourself? Imagine the perfect version of you - what can you do to become her? Take steps in that direction.

Then you can see yourself and know you are the KickAss Love Ninja and never think you're rubbish ever again.

WhatsGoingOnEh Spot on.

By the way, OP, he may well contact you again. If you give him another chance, a repeat performance is on the cards.

I see his side of it more than yours but understand where you are coming from because of your past.

He accepted that you wanted to end it because he hadn't text you, because all arrows point to you being a bit clingy (again I understand the reasoning).

It doesn't mean he was seeing someone else, also with the BBQ it is possible that he just wanted some time to be with his friends.

My advice, try not to let your past relationship affect how you treat your current one.

Thing is, if you don't let your past relationships affect your current one you're in danger of repeating past mistakes.

You're also in danger of ruining a perfectly good relationship, i.e this one.

*OP, I have just read your contribution on another thread.

Not such a great loss then.

This was never the relationship to work through some of your issues in because he was never that guy. It sounds like he had some 'issues' of his own and you dumping him probably made him realise that your relationship wasn't for him. You weren't on the same page as this guy and it probably was a compatibility rather than a timing issue.

Break-ups suck but they happen for a reason and if you feel there were aspects of your behaviour that you didn't like, address them.

Please don't make excuses for his behaviour, Duckedup - he is an adult! It hasn't worked out - believe me in a few weeks' time it will be a bad dream forgotten. It feels awful at the moment, we've all been there - not minimising how it is for you now. Please see this in the bigger-picture of your life. HEADLINE IS: He just isn't worth it !!!

He accepted my decision, said he hand't wanted it to go that way - this was his get-out-of jail free card, he leapt on this, and deflect everything back onto you. He could have been more magnanimous, generous of spirit, "worry Duckedup, it's better that we go our separate ways" - honesty would have given you a reason to respect him at least.

oops should have said sorry not worry

I did something really stupid today, and I messaged him...I wasn't trying to open up a conversation, I told him I was cross with myself for getting too emotional, and said I'd allowed my previous circumstances to take over my head and I had handled it badly. And I wished him well.

Achieves nothing I know. It's kind have helped that I now have drawn a line under it in a more balanced, less knee jerk reaction way. I feel like my last contact with him is now at least a sane one and that helps.

He probably couldn't give a shit either way.

Anyway onwards and upwards.

Everyone's comments have been brilliant today! And thanks loads to people who keep posting encouragement! I am going to try to be awesome like you say.

CherryEarrings haha! You wouldn't think so would you, but actually it made him work very hard in other areas and it was really very good! But if he does get back in touch I will just remember the measurement and forget the rest!

whatsgoingoneh thanks for calling me a ninja! I feel ace!