He "vetoed moving house"

[Peonysandblueglass]

So now we are stuck in a tiny rented house full of his hoard of crap.
When we decided to move in together he said he couldnt move into mine because of his cat and mine was on the main road, even though mine was vastly bigger / more modern, double glazed etc.
He said that when a house came up for rent on his road we could then move.
A beautiful lovely house came up on his (now our) road and he said "ive vetoed it, we're not moving because a) it will disturb the cat! (it's 5 doors away from our current hell hole) b) it's dark.
Im so angry that he has that lind of power meanwhile I'm living in a mad tiny house with all these buts of electrical equipment he buys on ebay (brken meaninb to fix but never does)
He haz put up a kind of hospital curtain in the kitchen to cover up the hoard which reaches the ceiling.
I wouldn't mind bug he NEVER uses any if this stuff, blaming time constraints ( he only works a 3 day week).
Im just about to marry this man and Im veeling voiceless, powerless, miserable that a cats happiness is put over mine.
This weekend I've said that were going to get rid of all the crap and he has agreed to it so I can look forward to a weekend of arguments and battles to get rid of just 3 of his 4 wooly scarves etcetc.
Sorry for the rant Im so cross and upset.

I don't know what you have been through in the past, but it must have been pretty bloody awful for you to be so determined to marry this man :(

It's a shame you aren't willing to postpone the wedding... I really really think you need to. However, one thing you have to keep in mind, always, is that it's never too late... even if you do marry him, you can walk away anytime you want to. It's not a great way to go into a marriage, but you don't seem willing to postpone or cancel that - just know that it's never too late to leave someone who makes you unhappy.

It's really not a healthy relationship when he is 'veto-ing' stuff and you are working out how to deal with the 'control' he has in your relationship and his hoarding. You aren't facing up to what living with a hoarder really really means, because you don't want to :(

If you are not 100% thrilled to bits to be marrying this man, exactly the way he is, without any reservations at all, then don't do it.

Don't marry him hoping he will change. If you loved him fully, you would love him just the way he is, you would not want him to change a thing. He is not just skin and bone - his personality, his quirks, his obsessions, make up the whole of him. This is who he is.

You should also just be yourself. If he wants to be with you he will decide, for himself, what he needs to change or adapt to suit the 'couple' lifestyle. If he doesn't make any changes of his volition because he wants to improve his relationship with you, then it just lets you know that you are not that important to him.

At the moment he is still behaving like a single man, with only himself and his own needs to worry about. You are adapting to him but it is only making you miserable.

If you marry him like this, you will be wasting the years when you could have the chance to meet someone who will value you properly and really love and respect you.

If you are confused, ask yourself this. If you knew for a fact that he would never change, would you still want to marry him? If the answer is no, then you should not marry him now.

Look, you don't have to break your relationship with him if you don't want to (and you clearly don't want to). But why the hurry to get married? Why can't you just put it off?

You are right about finding your power within the relationship. But you can only find it by threatening him - right now, he has nothing to lose, as you have systematically yielded to all his requests. I think you should move back to your old home and tell him that you will live separately until you are certain that he won't revert to his hoarding. And perhaps he could get some therapy.

People can change, it's true. But it's he who needs to make sure that he changes, not you. And right now he has got no reasons to change.

Put the wedding on hold for the time being. If he won't agree to sensible things now there is no hope afterwards. I think there is hope for hoarding and it can be contained. But the person needs to want to improve things. But I think the refusal to move to a bigger place is more worrying.

Think VERY carefully before you marry him. Hoarding is a deep-rooted psychological disorder that is very difficult to change, even if the person concerned wants help. I'm married to one - he wasn't a hoarder when we started out but a traumatic bereavement and depression brought something out/ triggered it. It makes life for me and ds very hard.

Smokers and alcoholics are absolutely amenable to giving up their addictions in many cases. Happy to plan for it. Happy to do the first step.

But pretty quickly the addiction kicks in. Starting a fight so they can huff off for a hit that you made them do.

Your dp is ok about theoretically getting rid of some stuff. See how he is a few days later.

Having gone through with a marriage I knew was a mistake, I say screw the awfulness of cancelling. It'll be far worse to live with it. And then divorce.

Please do not marry a man who believes you come second to a cat and who allows you to feel powerless.
They never change, please don't think he will.
What are his qualities that you are willing to take from this day forward till death do you part?

Don't do it. Do women seriously want to put up with crap just so they are 'married'. Is it so much worse to call it off and be single for a while (and more choosey next time). You KNOW he will never change. Just get worse.

I grew up with this. It is miserable to know that a parent prioritises piles of old junk over your comfort. And it was always 'his' house. Not our house.

It's probable you may always have his hoarding obsession in your life. If this is the case, it will be a constant exhausting uphill battle for you, especially if you are the opposite and like space and your home to be tidy.

According to a tv programme I saw last year, hoarding is soon to become a recognised MH condition.

Bet that space in your kitchen gets filled up again in the blink of an eye!

Good luck.

I'm going to up my dictatorial tone in the way he utilises his left right and centre. (happy days)
So that NOTHING crosses the front door without my approval

So you're prepared to do this for the rest of your days together?

Doesn't sound like fun to me and your policing him is going to lead to resentment in both of you.

Please, postpone the wedding. The only reason you aren't is money and what others think, YOU are more important than all of that.

Do you even want to get married to him or are you just thinking you have to as its so close.

No one is going to think badly of you if you change your mind.

You risk spending the rest of your life in parent mode. Do you want to be in a relationship where you are so controlling? And what happens when you have kids? And the piles of carp turn to safety hazards?

Please rethink. You don't have to go through with the wedding.

best thing you can do is postpone the wedding. awful as it will be, you just aren't ready to make this commitment.

in your mind if you just get rid of the junk, and then stop it coming in everything will be fine. everything will NOT be fine, because his junk is who he is. he will just wait until you're not there and it'll magically creep in. wave after wave. you can't change this. decide whether you can accept it.

Have I got this straight ? He is working a three day week and you are working three jobs and in your spare time studying.
His spare time is spent accumulating junk and caressing his cat ?
If it wasn't for your previous thread OP I could think you are a troll.
Please be kind to yourself and do not marry this man.

I remember your previous thread too. I can't believe you moved out of your house and into this situation with him, to be honest.

My exH was a bit of a hoarder. Not a massive one, but a bit of one.

When we first moved in together, he brought some of his 'hoard' with him. But he moved in with me and he kept a bit of a lid on it. But imagine how much that hoard is going to develop over the next 10, 15, 20 years/the rest of his lifetime...

Hoarding gets worse, not better.

You know that feeling you mentioned that you're being rushed into processing this?

Listen to that feeling.

Then think seriously about what you can do about it.

You won't find any power within this relationship.

Maybe a part of you unconsciously likes to feel martyred?

It really would be a shame to choose to stay in a situation which can only get worse. But it's your choice.

Hoarding IS already a diagnosable mental health condition. It's in the standard diagnostic manual.

Don't enter into a relationship with a hoarder without your eyes wide open. You have to be prepared to live with their crap if you want to live with them. Or live with a constant struggle to try to keep some semblence of control. I love dh very much but it is HARD and affects ds and I in many ways.

There is a brilliant fiction book called "The house we grew up in" by Lisa Jewell.

Read it.