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Original poster

He "vetoed moving house"

119 replies

Peonysandblueglass · 30/07/2014 08:49

So now we are stuck in a tiny rented house full of his hoard of crap.
When we decided to move in together he said he couldnt move into mine because of his cat and mine was on the main road, even though mine was vastly bigger / more modern, double glazed etc.
He said that when a house came up for rent on his road we could then move.
A beautiful lovely house came up on his (now our) road and he said "ive vetoed it, we're not moving because a) it will disturb the cat! (it's 5 doors away from our current hell hole) b) it's dark.
Im so angry that he has that lind of power meanwhile I'm living in a mad tiny house with all these buts of electrical equipment he buys on ebay (brken meaninb to fix but never does)
He haz put up a kind of hospital curtain in the kitchen to cover up the hoard which reaches the ceiling.
I wouldn't mind bug he NEVER uses any if this stuff, blaming time constraints ( he only works a 3 day week).
Im just about to marry this man and Im veeling voiceless, powerless, miserable that a cats happiness is put over mine.
This weekend I've said that were going to get rid of all the crap and he has agreed to it so I can look forward to a weekend of arguments and battles to get rid of just 3 of his 4 wooly scarves etcetc.
Sorry for the rant Im so cross and upset.

OP posts:
Bruins · 30/07/2014 09:56

It's fine to consider a cat's feelings, but plenty of cats live happily on main roads. This is about his feelings, the cat is an excuse.

Original poster
Peonysandblueglass · 30/07/2014 09:58

Thanks everyone, we're doing a carboot sale on Sunday with both of our cars, I'm going to up my dictatorial tone in the way he utilises his left right and centre. (happy days)
So that NOTHING crosses the front door without my approval.
I've already seen him scurrying boxes of jiffy bags into the shed.
I am going to marry him but need to find my power within that.

OP posts:
Julius02 · 30/07/2014 10:00

Chinamoon - your post really struck a chord with me. My DH is a hoarder, and it really gets me down, but I had never ever considered that his other behaviour (reluctance to do things etc) was linked to the hoarding. It makes me very depressed because I feel life is passing me by. Food for thought, thank you.

sunflower49 · 30/07/2014 10:01

My DP is a hoarder. To the contrary, I can fit 99% of things I own into the boot of my car-polar opposites!

It works because he's kind and considerate and willing to compromise-and seeks to improve often and is doing/has done.

However take it from me-if you move into a larger house, a true hoarder will just see more space, and fill it!

As has been already said, the issue isn't his cat or his stuff-It's his not making you, and the collective 'you' (you and him) a priority. You placing more regard on the relationship than him.

Need a serious word methinks. And don't marry, at least until some resolve is there.

kentishgirl · 30/07/2014 10:03

He's not really putting the cat's happiness above yours. The cat is an excuse - HE doesn't want to move.

Not moving to a main road because of cat's safety, fair enough, lots of pet owners make that decision. Not moving anywhere, ever, because of it disturbing a pet, I don't think he really believes that. If he does, he has more serious mental problems that are evident at the moment.

He's a hoarder. As someone else said, it's not just possessions, it also often involves hoarding ideas, lifestyle, etc. In this case, it could well be an awareness that if you move, you won't want him to bring all his crap with him. He can't let go of it. It's easier to stay where he is. He cannot see how unreasonable this is, and he can't see his crap as crap. I'm talking as the child of parents with some hoarding tendencies - more from wartime experiences and waste-not-want-not mentality - and it took me ages to persuade my Dad to discard a massive bin bag full of tiny bits of wood about 1 inch long, when they moved. He'd had them forever in case they were useful. He kept a few bits.

Why do you say what option do you have other than to marry him? Is it that you love him so much you can't imagine not being married to him, hoarding, cat and all? Or is there another reason you think you've got to marry him?

dreamingbohemian · 30/07/2014 10:08

Do you not realise how insane that sounds? "I'm going to find my power within my marriage"????

I feel sorry for you OP that whatever has happened to you in life has left you willing to put up with this nonsense. Why on earth you would settle for this rather than be happy alone or with someone else, I have no idea.

Sorry to be harsh but I think you are completely fooling yourself.

scarletforya · 30/07/2014 10:10

Oh well.

Vitalstatistix · 30/07/2014 10:11

well, that's your choice and you have the right to make it. I hope you are happy with it because you know what you are getting into and you can't moan about it if you chose it.

I hope it all works out for you and that you have a happy life.

Good luck.

BeCool · 30/07/2014 10:21

I'm going to up my dictatorial tone in the way he utilises his left right and centre. (happy days)
So that NOTHING crosses the front door without my approval.

So your way forward/solution is to try to assert control over him, his behaviour and his belongings.
How do you see that working out for you both and your relationship?

Why are you so hell bent on marrying him?

LondonForTheWeekend · 30/07/2014 10:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pictish · 30/07/2014 10:38

Thsat's fine OP, so long as you don't kid yourself that things will change or get better.
What you've got, is what you'll get.

Fairenuff · 30/07/2014 10:50

He doesn't have any power OP, you are choosing this. You are going to marry him and be miserable and that is your choice.

Not sure why you're posting about it though, if you have your mind set on this disaster.

vicmackie · 30/07/2014 10:51

Oh well.

Yup.

NettleTea · 30/07/2014 10:54

good luck with that. you realise that a carboot sale is a hoarders paradise. I guarantee you will come back with more stuff than you start off with

ArcheryAnnie · 30/07/2014 10:56

I have hoarders in the family. Even if you did move to this bigger house, it would be full of crap by the year's end.

Are you really prepared to put up with a lifetime of junk and controlling behaviour? Because it isn't going to get better. I can guarantee this, alas.

PittTheYounger · 30/07/2014 10:56

Op. See you back here next time

Ragwort · 30/07/2014 11:02

You are mad & stupid to marry this man, as Pitt says, we look forward to seeing you back on the relationship boards very soon.

As has been said numerous times on Mumsnet (& I've been here for over 12 years Grin) - you can't change someone, you can only change your own attitude.

If he irritates you now at what should be the romantic, honeymoon, 'anything to please each other' phase, what will it be like in a few months time? Hmm.

You are going to marry him and be miserable and that is your choice. - well said.

I have often wondered why so many women end up in unhappy relationships when they can clearly see things are difficult at the start, it will be interesting to watch how things pan out for you ...............

bibliomania · 30/07/2014 11:14

Why is it so non-negotiable that you have to marry him?

Talking about finding your power within the relationship may sound superficially liberating, but honestly, do you want a lifetime engaged in a power struggle? Never able to let your guard down? Sounds bloody exhausting.

Is this the future self you want to be?

Castlemilk · 30/07/2014 11:35

This does not solve the problem.

This might:

'You said that we would be moving here temporarily until a nicer house came up. It has. We either move there, or I'm not marrying you, because I don't want to marry a manipulative liar. I'm also not going to marry anyone who thinks they get to 'veto' anything they originally agreed to, and especially not because they put a cat and a load of boxes of pointless shit above my happiness.

I want to live in that house, as agreed. We move or you're dumped.'

Try that.

MaryWestmacott · 30/07/2014 11:39

Oh OP - take a look, this is your life then if you accept it. You might 'win' over small amounts of crap that he will conceed aren't important to him, htat doesnt change the fact that your opinions aren't all that important to him.

Accept that, or don't, but if you decide to engage in a power struggle, accept that you will lose it long term because you won't walk away from this relationship and you clearly think that when faced with the choice, he wouldn't pick you.

TheHouseatWhoCorner · 30/07/2014 11:45

The relationship sounds like a battle of wills.not good, or happy.
Are you happy?

gamerchick · 30/07/2014 11:58

If you really want to stay with him.. marry him even then there's no law that says you have to live together. Hoarding is a fire hazard as well as being stressful to live with.

Let him crack on and you get your own place.

Squitten · 30/07/2014 12:01

Sounds like your marriage is going to be a constant battle. Very bad idea.

Horsemad · 30/07/2014 12:12

I agree with Julius02 - chinamoon's post really resonated with me.

You will not change him, don't say you weren't warned Smile

hamptoncourt · 30/07/2014 12:45

You have posted about this relationship before I believe OP.

This is the man with the extremely wealthy parents who is a compulsive hoarder and you didn't want to leave your home but he talked you into it..........

I agree with PP, you know what you are getting into, and presumably your reasons for doing so, so I hope you get what you want out of it.