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Original poster

He "vetoed moving house"

119 replies

Peonysandblueglass · 30/07/2014 08:49

So now we are stuck in a tiny rented house full of his hoard of crap.
When we decided to move in together he said he couldnt move into mine because of his cat and mine was on the main road, even though mine was vastly bigger / more modern, double glazed etc.
He said that when a house came up for rent on his road we could then move.
A beautiful lovely house came up on his (now our) road and he said "ive vetoed it, we're not moving because a) it will disturb the cat! (it's 5 doors away from our current hell hole) b) it's dark.
Im so angry that he has that lind of power meanwhile I'm living in a mad tiny house with all these buts of electrical equipment he buys on ebay (brken meaninb to fix but never does)
He haz put up a kind of hospital curtain in the kitchen to cover up the hoard which reaches the ceiling.
I wouldn't mind bug he NEVER uses any if this stuff, blaming time constraints ( he only works a 3 day week).
Im just about to marry this man and Im veeling voiceless, powerless, miserable that a cats happiness is put over mine.
This weekend I've said that were going to get rid of all the crap and he has agreed to it so I can look forward to a weekend of arguments and battles to get rid of just 3 of his 4 wooly scarves etcetc.
Sorry for the rant Im so cross and upset.

OP posts:
ThinkFirst · 30/07/2014 12:58

This has disaster written all over it. You won't find your power within the marriage, you don't have any now and a marriage certificate will not change that.

He may have agreed to a car boot sale, but he's already started to squirrel his things away so you can't get rid of them. He probably will get rid of some things to get you off his back, but it'll just be the very small tip of a very large iceberg, and he will no doubt replace those things with more crap.

You can't police his every move and ensure he stops buying, you can't control what he brings into the home.

His needs, his wants, his obsessions are what are important to him. You can't change him, it's compulsive, a mental illness, and this won't get better.

rosepetalsoup · 30/07/2014 13:06

It's the hospital curtain that does it for me.

How do you know he's not building some kind of Frankenstein's monster with components he's sourced online, and plans to use the cat as some kind of vital ingredient? He can't move as his occult furnaces are already installed in the cellar.

Deffo leave and start again. If you imagine your OP as a story you're telling mates over dinner in the beautiful flat you share with your new boyfriend, it's almost funny.

magoria · 30/07/2014 13:13

You are not even married and you are feeling voiceless, powerless, miserable and that a cat comes before you.

What do you think is going to get better if you tie yourself to this man.

Why are you planning to tie yourself where you will have to parent this man for the next 40? years to stop him hoarding or put up with floor to ceiling shit hidden by a curtain.

More fool you if you ignore what is staring you Iin the face before it is too late.

Lweji · 30/07/2014 13:24

I remember your previous thread(s?).
I think the general opinion then was to LTB.

He is unreasonable.

You have given it a go and it turns out that it's not really working out, because his "reasons" are just excuses, really.

Good luck with your marriage. Particularly when he feels you have no power because if you are not leaving him now, you will definitely not leave once you get married and even less when you have children. But then you will get fed up and abused and the children will be the ones to suffer.
Your decision.

FrontForward · 30/07/2014 13:30

So this man's faults are his need to hoard despite the obvious problem being he doesn't need half this stuff not do anything with it. He also is resistant to change in moving house.

Your fault is ignoring the bloody obvious and burying your head in the sand. Why are you both in denial about massive problems

deste · 30/07/2014 13:38

The only thing I could suggest is that you live in separate houses and I wouldn't be marrying him knowing he is a hoarder.

Get the fire brigade to come and assess the property or get your landlord to come and see it.

noddyholder · 30/07/2014 13:51

Get your own place. Upping your tone and vetoing his stuff won't work or last.

GilbertBlytheWouldGetIt · 30/07/2014 13:52

You both sound like you have issues, this is just an outlet for your frustrations, isn't it? You have no intention of changing the status quo, so why bother posting?

Guiltypleasures001 · 30/07/2014 14:21

I really cannot understand how someone allowed themselves to be ousted from their much loved home and I remember your last thread, to be moved into what sounds like a a hell hole complete with cat and a tower of junk.

Then you say I'm going to marry this guy yes I am, and find my power within the marriage? This isn't going to sound very counsellorish but seriously are you nuts?

Have you got your fingers in your ears going la la la la la , has he got a gold plated 12" cock as I've oft seen written on these sorts of threads? This sounds like a recipe for disaster and I think this should be move to AIBU because I think you just might be.

LineRunner · 30/07/2014 14:55

Crikey. You are swimming in some serious cognitive dissonance here.

This particular relationship is not the one you wish for. You need to recognise that fully yourself, though.

eddielizzard · 30/07/2014 14:56

I am going to marry him but need to find my power within that.

yes - it's called divorce.

accept him as he is and be happy, or end it.

don't go into a marriage without feeling 100% about it.

Pooka · 30/07/2014 15:02

It seems rather masochistic to willingly enter into a marriage in anticipation of power struggles yet to come rather than as an equal partnership.

He doesn't get to veto stuff like this.

You're competing with a cat. I love cats, but... really?

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 30/07/2014 17:17

I can not see the reasoning here either, sorry.
Someone mentioned his parents being very rich. Is this the long game you are thinking of, Peony, to eventually inherit? Even without knowing any of the circumstances, that is such a long shot that depends on actions of other people, events, etc...unless his parents are contractually paying you to "look after him".

Whatever the reason is, Peony, please understand that the continued association with him is very mentally unhealthy for you (and exponentially magnified for any children you might have-besides the physical dangers for a toddler).

Please, do not be so desperate as to sacrifice your mental health for this relationship. And living with him is putting your physical health at risk as well: the fire hazard mentioned, the dust and mold, and I can imagine the stink precious puss leaving calling cards in hidden places.

Have more respect for yourself.

Hissy · 30/07/2014 18:50

Your last thread was clear that this was going to happen. I'm sorry that it turned out that way, but you have done your bit.

Go and rent something for yourself, where you want to live.

Don't marry him. End it and move on.

Beautifullymixed · 30/07/2014 19:09

I remember this poster too,and was horrified at the sound of this junk filled hovel house she was moving into. It sounded dirty and catty (and I love cats) but how can you properly clean a place with junk everywhere.

I believe the OP imagined she could change him.........she couldn't.
Yet here she is again, thinking he will ever part with his junk at a car boot sale, and not wander around collecting more.........
And she still believes she can change him.

You will definitely be back here,but hopefully deciding to take control of your own life this time.

One can only hope.

Beautifullymixed · 30/07/2014 19:16

It makes me very sad to still hear women wondering what their options are in life without a man.

The world is your oyster!

Educate yourself/ travel/ have fun/ concentrate on your career.

Don't settle for rubbish,and OP, that's what you are getting literally.

If I heard my two dds utter such garbage-I would think I've failed as a parent.

Life has so much more to offer.

CharlotteCollins · 30/07/2014 19:23

Sounds less of a marriage and more of a battleground.

Why would you knowingly commit to that?

You clearly don't love him, you know - you want to change and control him too much for that.

Still, if you're insisting on marriage, may I suggest separate houses?

Holdthepage · 30/07/2014 19:26

Do not marry a hoarder. Your life will be filled with misery & junk. I have never read one successful outcome of trying to change a hoarder, it is a serious mental health issue.

MintyCoolMojito · 30/07/2014 21:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Peonysandblueglass · 30/07/2014 22:44

I know I might seem mad but he seems willing to change, I feel a bit flat and confused.
Our wedding is in a couple of weeks and I feel like I'm rushed into processing what's gone on because Im working 3 jobs at the moment and studying for 2 exams and planning a wedding.
The hoard is the problem and when that's gone I can just not allow any more junk in (trying to be hopeful)
Today I was just grabbing shelf loads of crap and just loading it into my car he didn't seemto mind.
He's been on ultra good behaviour since last night when I called him on all of this.
I don't know what to do right now I'm so confused.
Thanks for all of your comments.

OP posts:
Igggi · 30/07/2014 22:47

So, are you moving house? He lifts his "veto" (ffs) or wedding off. Simple?
The problem is not the hoard,sadly Sad

Peacocklady · 30/07/2014 22:50

You sound lovely.

Have you discussed what will happen with the stuff that doesn't sell?

Have you talked about having children?

Can you move to your nice house, train the cat (as people do) and let you dp have a shed?

Can you veto the crap?

thestamp · 30/07/2014 22:50

God, what a complete train wreck this all sounds.

He won't change OP, and no, you can't just "not allow any more junk in". That's like saying it's a great idea to marry an alcoholic because you'll just throw all the booze out and not buy any more.

Things like this just get worse. Hoarders are almost always intractable.

If you are 100% committed to your own unhappiness, by all means, marry him.

iPaddy · 30/07/2014 22:51

DON'T MARRY HIM!

Sorry for shouting but seriously woman - WHAT ARE YOU THINKING???

You are describing your relationship in such parent-child terms it cannot possibly be sustainable.

QuintessentiallyQS · 30/07/2014 22:55

So.... you already regret moving in with him. Why do you think your marriage will be a success, and why do you think you will find your power in your marriage when you have not found it in your relationship?

If HE can veto your move, and YOU can veto his purchases, it means you both decide over the other, and none over yourselves? Confused wtf.

Your best indication of his future behaviour, is his past behaviour.

Likewise, your best indication of your future behaviour, is in your present and past behavior.