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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Please be gentle...what do you think? (Bit long sorry)

107 replies

Lula2515 · 28/07/2014 18:19

I looked at DPs emails (I know this is wrong, please don't have a go..I know), and he had been private messaging some women from another office at work. He's been on a couple of business trips with them this year where they've been gone for like a week.
Some of the messages had been deleted.
One of the women was saying "oh woman A has been asking intrusive questions" and he replied "haha she should have been a policeman" there was previous messages between them joking that he was her husband and when was she gonna meet the in laws etc. I know he flirts..
Then with the other woman, she was basically saying "so you didn't tell us your gf was pregnant" and he was like "no, she didn't tell me til I got back from second trip either and she was drinking before I left" (I wasn't). And this woman was like, "come on, you must have known when you were on second trip" he denied it again and said I'd just moved in which was a nightmare (I moved in in feb). He also said thank god it was a boy or he'd run a mile.
I confronted him about it and he said on first trip he told them he was just seeing someone and it wasn't serious. And that he didn't tell them about the baby. He said I was being a psycho for thinking that something was going on between either of them and stormed out.
I am 26 weeks pregnant, he knew when I was 4 weeks- same time I found out. He was pleased.
I feel so hurt. I understand that I shouldn't have read his messages, and this isn't the first time I've done it. But he's stormed off and is furious.
I don't know if how I'm feeling is justified or if I should just be sorry.

OP posts:
FishRabbit · 29/07/2014 23:36

How's your day gone today? Hope he's making it up to you. If it's any consolation, i've done the same thing in the past. It's super scary to leave. Xxx

Lula2515 · 29/07/2014 23:50

Thanks for those who are understanding. I appreciate the things you have all said.

Today has been ok. He listened and apologised when I said that the things he had said had really hurt me. It is believable that nothing else happened. Saw the in laws today, they heard about things from him last night. Told MIL and SIL my side. They said the things he said were awful but genuinely believe he wouldn't do anything to jeopardise what we have.

OP posts:
ArsenicFaceCream · 30/07/2014 00:06

I hope it turns out the way you want it to.

A plan B would be wise though. Get some savings when you can, however small. Leave yourself choices. Good luck with it all.

Lula2515 · 30/07/2014 00:28

I can leave and go to my mums at any time. Sat down and worked out last night what benefits etc i could claim. I know I would be ok if I had to leave.

I hope things turn out ok but I know that I have options x

OP posts:
CarryOnDancing · 30/07/2014 00:30

I'm so sorry that his intimidation worked and made you back down from your gut instincts. Calling you a mentalist is purely to make you doubt yourself and adding extra venom to it all makes it seem like his anger towards you is justified doesn't it? Saying he doesn't need you to create a fear of loss situation and the worry that he might leave you.
It's all very manipulative.

As others have said, it's rare for people to leave abusive relationships immediately. Why not look at alternative plans whilst you are seeing how it goes? Then if there is a next time you will have a headstart and feel more empowered to leave.
Maybe just take a look at what financial help you could receive? Make one potential path a little less scary and if it comes to it you won't be as afraid to take a step on it.

Good luck OP! I wish you all the best with your baby.

CarryOnDancing · 30/07/2014 00:31

Sorry OP x-post there. It's great that you are getting the info you need just in case!

Keep at it-you might not want to stop!

Itsfab · 30/07/2014 07:14

We are all understanding but I for one will not tell you you have made the right decision and as for your SIL saying he wouldn't jeopardise what you have? WTF, that just shows the crap SHE would put up with as well. Look at what he has already done, what does he have to do now to "jeopardise what you have"? Which by the way is a crap relationship where your life could be in danger. Your mental health certainly is.

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