Please be gentle...what do you think? (Bit long sorry)

[Lula2515]

I looked at DPs emails (I know this is wrong, please don't have a go..I know), and he had been private messaging some women from another office at work. He's been on a couple of business trips with them this year where they've been gone for like a week.
Some of the messages had been deleted.
One of the women was saying "oh woman A has been asking intrusive questions" and he replied "haha she should have been a policeman" there was previous messages between them joking that he was her husband and when was she gonna meet the in laws etc. I know he flirts..
Then with the other woman, she was basically saying "so you didn't tell us your gf was pregnant" and he was like "no, she didn't tell me til I got back from second trip either and she was drinking before I left" (I wasn't). And this woman was like, "come on, you must have known when you were on second trip" he denied it again and said I'd just moved in which was a nightmare (I moved in in feb). He also said thank god it was a boy or he'd run a mile.
I confronted him about it and he said on first trip he told them he was just seeing someone and it wasn't serious. And that he didn't tell them about the baby. He said I was being a psycho for thinking that something was going on between either of them and stormed out.
I am 26 weeks pregnant, he knew when I was 4 weeks- same time I found out. He was pleased.
I feel so hurt. I understand that I shouldn't have read his messages, and this isn't the first time I've done it. But he's stormed off and is furious.
I don't know if how I'm feeling is justified or if I should just be sorry.

I agree, do not go out to dinner with him. Get a copy of the message and go out yourself- have you got a sister, mum or good friend you could talk to and spend a bit of time with.

I would want to kill DH if he did this to me. It is so disrespectful and destructive. How can he not care?

Don't back down. He's out preparing his plausible story, or formulating a response to make it all your fault.

He's denied your pregnancy when, as another poster says he really should have been as pleased as Punch and telling anyone who would listen, never mind work colleagues who he allegedly doesn't know that well.

He's been horribly disloyal and lied about the seriousness of your relationship. Focus on that and why he would do such a thing. Do not be sidetracked by any crap from him about poking into his emails. There is nothing to back down about. He's been a shit about you and your pregnancy and he needs to know that you're bloody furious with him. DO NOT let him deflect.

No, no one close who is free right now. I'm not sure I am ready to discuss this with people in RL either, I'm not sure of their reaction. Also, I'd have to waddle across London to see them and that's not too easy when you're crying!

I don't know your situation OP but you could be surprised how willing friends are to help if you just ask. Don't be ashamed of talking about this, he is the arsehole who should be ashamed- can you think of a friend who could help you out with a spare room?

Xpost but my point of talking about this to friends stands!

I've said no to dinner, said he clearly doesn't understand how hurt I am.

Good for you op x

Lula I would think exactly what you are thinking.

More damningly, his responses to your questions are extremely slippery and disingenuous. There will be a reason for that.

Will you be able to trust him at all after this? (Not to cheat, not to flirt, not to denigrate or badmouth you, not to speak dismissively of your child, not to pretend to be single or semi-single?)

NO.

LEAVE HIM.

Yesterday, I spent about two hours on the phone to a very good friend. She has just spent the last two years of her life absolutely busting a gut to try and pretend to herself that every single one of the million red flags waving like a cheerleading squad around the despicable waste of skin she calls a partner didn't exist. That he was just 'finding his feet as he's never lived with anyone before'. That he was just 'really a sociable person, he just loves banter and that's been his life for 42 (yes 42!) years you know, pubs and casual relationships, that's been him up til now'. That 'he was just shocked and took a while finding his feet at being a dad' (when they got pregnant at the end of the first year of their frankly grim sounding relationship). That he's not a lazy misogynistic shit, 'he's learning that he has to change nappies and help out more, he's just scared of hurting the baby.' That when he blew up in her face and accused her of all sorts when she confronted him about some dodgy messages after a stage weekend (oh the cliche) he was 'just hurt about being accused because he loves me and our little family so much.' Etc.

Well, now after a miserable first year of their baby's life not even she can ignore the reality: he's a lazy, rude, unintelligent player who liked the idea of a proper partner and a baby coz that's what you do at 42 isn't it? - and he was getting a bit sick of having his mum be the person he had to go back to to get his shirts washed and his Sunday lunch. But now he's bored, he misses all his Saturday nights out and having a noisy baby is beginning to grate, and there's no way he can keep up the pretence that his default setting isn't to act like a panting dog which can't pass a lamp post without trying to hump it.

So she is miserable, and kicking herself that she didn't get rid a long time ago. Preferably before the baby, but even after it: he's RUINED her first year with her baby, frankly.

This guy is a total prick. What he's said about you, and your baby especially, is HOW HE THINKS. And that is your warning, frankly. If you 'back down', you are basically welcoming in a life where you learn to live with disrespect, cruelty, infidelity, laziness and a whole lot more. If you stay with this guy, make no mistake about what you are signing up for. You'd be an utter utter fool to stay. Pregnant or not. Especially pregnant, in fact.

I'm so sorry, but he's telling you who he is. Please listen. Those are seriously upsetting things to find your partner has said, and he is dismissing you, getting angry with you, minimising and now pretending it's nothing. You are in for a whole world of pain if you back down and smooth things over as that will be your future. I've been there. It's unbearable, and far worse than the awfulness of cutting him loose now and going it alone for this pregnancy. It's possible the shock of being given the boot might make him grow up, but I wouldn't expect it, as he sounds like a classic EA dickhead. It just isn't acceptable to speak of or treat you like that. Don't give him the message that you'll roll over in the end after a token fuss, he'll take that as confirmation he can do it again.

You are worth more than this!

Is he going on his own?

Don't listen to any more mind game nonsense while you are feeling fragile.

Yeah I believe he's going on his own. I don't know. I need some time to pull myself together anyway, don't want to cry in front of him about this.

What worries me is recently, I've seen how easily he lies- caught him out a couple of times telling really silly and unnecessary lies to other people I.e "oh yeah I've been to X for business" when he hadn't.

I hadn't seen that side of him before.
It also came out recently that a woman who he was very close with when we first got together, he had kissed her a few times even though promising me at the time that nothing had ever happened. So how can I believe him now?!

Simply put OP...you can't.

What worries me is recently, I've seen how easily he lies- caught him out a couple of times telling really silly and unnecessary lies to other people I.e "oh yeah I've been to X for business" when he hadn't.

This isn't a behaviour. It is a personality type. He sounds entirely self centred and self interested.

I was married to a man like this. I am so sorry

You can't. Unfortuately you can't believe a word that comes out of his mouth.
he has denied your existence and rubbished your relationship. I think there is something going on with first office worker and number 2 is starting to suspect. I think the storming out was designed to buy him time to think of an excuse and for you to simmer down. He is guilty of something that l would bet my bottom dollar on.
So are you prepared to continue in a relationship, with a new baby with a partner who you cannot trust and rely on?
Get shot now-save yourself a lifetime of worry and grief.

Best get out now really.

He's a liar and no empathy. You're pregnant and stress isn't good for babies. You've had a mc. He should be frantic with worry not arranging dinners with his mum and dad to get you back under control and not making a scene.

Where did you live before? Can you go back there? Or is your mum the only option? You don't have to discuss it with her straightaway, you can just go for a rest. Are you working?

Now the good news.

You have learnt everything you need to know about him today. You have all the information you need to make choices that will make you and your baby happy.

Which isn't to say you must act. You might need a few more shocks before the truth sinks in.

But it honestly is a stroke of luck to have have his real character revealed this clearly, this early, rather than five years down the line (or ten).

Well done for following your instincts to his email (I know that isn't a popular viw here but pah).

I know it's still shit OP. Be gentle with yourself while you absorb the shock

Those aren't the type if things someone would question without good reason are they. When someone found out their OH was pregnant isn't a normal thing to quiz a colleague on.

For me his response tells more than the emails. Just think, if he came to you and said he was worried about your relationship with a colleague would you storm out or what you be concerned and sit down immediately and iron out the misunderstanding whilst doing your utmost to comfort him. You'd be frantic that this would spoil the trust between you and would be an open book.
Yet he's not doing that. He's literally any from the situation because he can't face you. Why can't he face you?!

Even if it's all completely innocent I would be very concerned about his response. You need to parent with this man and be able to trust he has your best interests at heart at all times. Can you do that now?

OP, how on earth have you ended up in some dickhead's flat with not even the money for train fare home ?

Ring your mum. Ask her to send you the money, and leave this flat-out twat.

Your life and your baby's life will be made a misery if you stay under these circumstances. No mother would want that for her child.

The comment on being glad it's a boy, would be a deal breaker for me.
He seriously wrote that?
He needs dumping from a great height.

I've just finished an NHS funded degree, sadly being up the duff means even temp agencies won't tough me with a very long barge pole. So I have no income and he's supporting me.

I'm not sure what to do. Now I've had time to think, maybe I need to be sensible in my decision.

He said about the baby gender comment that it was just a joke, which it could have been. But he can fuck off joking about my baby.

You don't have to do anything.

But you know this now and you cannot unknow it.

Your dp is a liar and he denies your relationship to women he flirts with but it is only 'a joke'. You would be mad to trust him.

what do you mean by "sensible" ?

I mean that I don't think I should do anything rash....I need to think.

I've just looked through his old texts (I'm in this deep, why stop?) and looked at the messages he was sending that women he had kissed before we got together. He was telling her he loved her when we first got together and he'd stop seeing me if she said and was sexting her whilst waiting for me to turn up for a date.

We weren't exclusive at that time but does give me an insight of how very unimportant I've always been. Silly me.

Cut your losses and get out now while you can.