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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Please be gentle...what do you think? (Bit long sorry)

107 replies

Lula2515 · 28/07/2014 18:19

I looked at DPs emails (I know this is wrong, please don't have a go..I know), and he had been private messaging some women from another office at work. He's been on a couple of business trips with them this year where they've been gone for like a week.
Some of the messages had been deleted.
One of the women was saying "oh woman A has been asking intrusive questions" and he replied "haha she should have been a policeman" there was previous messages between them joking that he was her husband and when was she gonna meet the in laws etc. I know he flirts..
Then with the other woman, she was basically saying "so you didn't tell us your gf was pregnant" and he was like "no, she didn't tell me til I got back from second trip either and she was drinking before I left" (I wasn't). And this woman was like, "come on, you must have known when you were on second trip" he denied it again and said I'd just moved in which was a nightmare (I moved in in feb). He also said thank god it was a boy or he'd run a mile.
I confronted him about it and he said on first trip he told them he was just seeing someone and it wasn't serious. And that he didn't tell them about the baby. He said I was being a psycho for thinking that something was going on between either of them and stormed out.
I am 26 weeks pregnant, he knew when I was 4 weeks- same time I found out. He was pleased.
I feel so hurt. I understand that I shouldn't have read his messages, and this isn't the first time I've done it. But he's stormed off and is furious.
I don't know if how I'm feeling is justified or if I should just be sorry.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 28/07/2014 21:00

Go home to your mum, love.

Favouriteblanky · 28/07/2014 21:00

I'm sorry this is happening to you OP, but as others have said, better to find out now than potentially waste years of your life, and your precious baby's life on someone who is not worth it. You both deserve better.

Please don't let money be a factor in your decision making, I am sure your mum would support you whilst you get on your feet.

He will not change.

Itsfab · 28/07/2014 21:05

You need to man up.

Not having the money to get a train is a ridiculous reason to stay with this twat.

He is following the script.

Saying it is banter
getting defensive when you say you don't like it
storming off
texting like nothing is wrong - ie shut the fuck up and be the little woman

you would be an idiot to stay with this "man".

JapaneseMargaret · 28/07/2014 21:09

Whether this man loves you or not is quite irrelevant.

He certainly doesn't like you, and long-term, that matters far more.

LTB.

HumblePieMonster · 28/07/2014 21:18

Well, you're in a good position. [Don't shoot me, I'm looking at it in 'lifetime' terms].
You've got your degree. That will be handy when you can work again.
Did I pick up that you have parents? Brilliant. Get onto them and if you can, move in with them for a bit, until you set yourself up independently. I don't know if you've got property or assets you have to sort out with the partner - sorry, I haven't read everything. But get away if you can.
You're pregnant, with a son on the way. Brilliant. Lots of hard work but probably going to be your greatest joy, or one of many joys.
You have an amazing future ahead. You don't need the disrespectful and probably unfaithful dp. And never feel shy about having read his emails. That was clearly what was needed.

Lula2515 · 28/07/2014 21:21

I need some help with how to approach it when he finally comes back.

I've read his messages before and he tends to blow up at me about it, which I guess is justified (although when he's read my messages I've had no issues as I have nothing to hide).

I know his position will be 'either you trust me or its over' as that's what he's said before..normally I back down.

OP posts:
inlectorecumbit · 28/07/2014 21:25

So why let him pose the question?

you should be saying l don't trust you and it's over.

ArsenicFaceCream · 28/07/2014 21:26

DO you trust him?

Trusting him isn't really a decision, is it? He can't demand trust from you. It's either there or it isn't.

AnyFucker · 28/07/2014 21:26

Well, he's not wrong really is he ?

You clearly don't trust him and never will and the reason for that is because of him so yes, it is over (or it should be)

Lula2515 · 28/07/2014 21:28

You're all right, I know. And no, I don't trust him.
I just need time to get my head around this.

OP posts:
ArsenicFaceCream · 28/07/2014 21:28

(What a horrible man BTW, behaving in a completely untrustworthy way behind your back then threatening to end the relationship unless you profess trust in him)

Itsfab · 28/07/2014 21:30

You do need time but you need to be away from him to do it and don't spend too much time. He has wasted enough of your life already and unfortunately you are stuck with this idiot in your life for the next 18 years now. Though I don't see him hanging around and being a decent father.

FishRabbit · 28/07/2014 21:32

When I first got together with DP, he went through my emails and texts and FB messages. We ended up going to relate about it all and I was quite shocked that the counsellor was on his side with it all. She said, "if you leave your passwords about/leave your phone unlocked/don't delete messages, then you're leaving them around for someone to read. It's like leaving your diary open on the coffee table in front of him".

(my messages weren't that bad but he took offence)

So he can't have been that arsed about what he'd said... I'm so sorry OP. Go to your mama. Can you do bank work for the NHS? xxx

RedRoom · 28/07/2014 21:37

When I read that you'd had a miscarriage and that he's now saying to people if this baby wasn't a boy he'd be off like a shot, it sickened me. What an awful thing for any father to say about their baby, and how disrespectful of him given what you have been through to have a baby at all.

He's poor father material and him going off in a huff smacks of utter immaturity.

LuluJakey1 · 28/07/2014 21:44

You can't stay. This is not a one off.

You must feel terrible. I don't know what I would do.

Go to your mum's and take some time out to make a plan.

Itsfab · 28/07/2014 21:57

FishRabbit - why are you still with him? You do know the counsellor was wrong?

flappityfanjos · 28/07/2014 21:57

So what even if the comment about the baby being a boy WAS a joke - what the hell kind of shitty joke is that?? I'm not all fluff and sunlight when I talk about the realities of parenthood, but I'd never say something like that when I was having a wanted baby with the person I loved!

He sounds like a total shit. The little lies have really sent the hairs on the back of my neck standing up. Everyone conceals a few things, or stretches the truth to smooth the path of a social interaction (oh what a lovely name for a baby, gosh this soup you've made is delicious) but I'd run a mile from a person who could lie that easily for no reason and obviously see nothing wrong with it.

He lies to you about his previous relationships with other people, he lies to them about his relationship with you. And then he has the sheer fucking nerve to call you a psycho when this troubles you. He really doesn't think he owes honesty to anyone, does he? Imagine your son being brought up day in, day out with that attitude, imagine him watching you living under the same roof, accepting it as part of your relationship, putting up with it...

Lula2515 · 28/07/2014 22:00

Thank you for all your support x

OP posts:
RainbowB7 · 28/07/2014 22:08

Sorry this is happening to you OP. This man sounds a total disgrace. He doesn't deserve another chance. He is treating you with contempt! You are well off out of it. Good luck

CarryOnDancing · 28/07/2014 22:21

You really need to have a decision and to stick to it before the baby arrives-for your sake. You really don't want to feel trapped with a newborn. It's a special time but it's also difficult. You will need all your energy for the baby and you don't want a dark shadow over the entire time.

The good news is, when your boy arrives, he will take your heart and you will be much less bothered about removing your OH from it. If that's what you decide of course!

CarryOnDancing · 28/07/2014 22:30

Sorry forgot to say. We have a friend who tells random completely unnecessary lies. It's started to escalate and now he tells lies when his GF is there and it's clear she's never heard the lie before and is then in the position where she either has to call him out or go along with the lie.
In parallel to this I've noticed his controlling behaviour towards her getting worse. He is constantly telling her how she wouldn't be able to live without him. He actively makes her reliant on him.

I fear your situation is going the same way.

Lying for no possible purpose is very odd behaviour.

Lula2515 · 28/07/2014 23:24

So he messages saying he'd sleep in the spare room and doesn't want to talk to me until Thursday evening when we can talk about this if I still want to "ruin his life with this shit"
I said no, I want to discuss it now and that I think something has happened and it's his chance to be honest before the baby comes so we have a chance at a fresh start rather than ruining the baby's life in the future.
His reply-"nothing has happened you fucking mentalist.. Go fuck yourself I don't need you."

I'm going to bed now and will pack my bags in the morning.

OP posts:
ArsenicFaceCream · 28/07/2014 23:30

Good call.

I hope you're ok Flowers

Lula2515 · 28/07/2014 23:33

Not very ok... But I will be xx

OP posts:
Hattifattiner · 28/07/2014 23:36

oh my love (((((Lula)))) he's an utter fuckwit