Just wanted some opinions/ advice on whether my relationship sounds in any way normal... my H tells me that I am naive to think that other couples don't have exactly the same kind of rows as us, but I think I know deep down that I'm married to a very unreasonable and possibly abusive man. I just don't know what to do about it.
I could give hundreds of examples of the 'type' of argument we have, but I'll give the most recent example from the last few days. It started on Sunday morning, when I walked into our bedroom at 9.40am with our two kids (6 months and 4 years old). It was H's turn for a lie-in (I'd slept until 9am the day before). I'd been downstairs and having breakfast with the kids since 7.30 and it was becoming a bit difficult to delay getting dressed etc for much longer. Also, he'd told me the previous month that he didn;t ever want to sleep past 10am anyway. Basically, I thought it was fine to come into the room and allow our eldest to wake him up. I said something like "morning! hope it's ok to wake you - couldn't keep them downstairs for too much longer." After a couple of minutes, it became apparent that he wasn't happy to have been woken at all. I was accused of being 'horrible and moody', and 'begrudging' his lie-in. I was left speechless (this is a bit of a theme) as I quite simply wasn't moody at all. I was absolutely fine!! I tried to say this, and reminded him that he'd said he didn't want to sleep longer than 10am... I was then told again that I was being difficult, moody and horrible (all in front of the kids) and that he would;t dream of doing that to me - I can;t possibly care about him if I can walk in and interrupt his sleep like that.
He was then off with me all morning, until I apologised and "admitted" that I was being moody. This is the ludicrous kind of thing that is now quite common for me - i.e. I admit to feelings and intentions that I never even had, just to stop him sulking.
Later that day, I was clearing away the kitchen and I put one of his magazines (that he hadn't yet read) in the recycling bin. He asked me later where the magazine was, and I remembered where I had put it and immediately retrieved it for him. I didn't apologise for doing it, I just said something casual like 'oh yeah, I must have done that completely on auto pilot - here it is." He accused me of not caring about him, being lost in my own 'bubble', being distant and self-absorbed all day, and said he 'couldn't BELIEVE' that I could do that with 'his possession'. It turned into a proper tirade, with him shouting and saying it was typical of how I have no regard for his things (honestly no idea what he means) and don't show any care for him.
On other occasions we've had huge rows when I've ordered the wrong drink for him in a pub, got myself cutlery at a buffet but didn't bring any for him, and when I've made a fuss about wasps at an outdoor restaurant (I'm scared of them, and he went absolutely mad at me for 'creating a scene'). In all of these scenarios, the row happens because 1) he gets angry with me for being "horrible" or "difficult", 2) I defend myself and tell him he's overreacting, and then 3) he gets angrier and angrier, demanding an apology. Sometimes I get angry in return, and other times (more the case recently) I just give in and apologise, even if it involves lying about how I really feel. On the occasions that I DO get angry, I can sometimes get very angry - I have actually accused him of being abusive, and have threatened to leave. It's because of this that I'm not sure whether it truly IS abuse, because I'm not exactly a beaten-down wallflower who can't stick up for myself.
Tonight I tried to talk to him about the lie-in and magazine incidents. I said that, despite apologising for them, I now feel stupid that I'm in a relationship where he puts words into my mouth, and that I wasn't actually moody at all over the weekend - but he was. He immediately got angry that I was "retracting my apology" and refused to talk to me. He called me f*ing insane, and shouted so loudly that our son came downstairs and asked why Daddy was being nasty to Mummy. Obviously that part completely breaks my heart. He regularly swears at me and calls me names (mental, insane and mad are the favourites at the moment, but he also uses bitch a lot). For my part, I call him abusive and tell him he's out of control and childish. I always end up apologising for calling him abusive though, whereas he's never apologised for the name-calling he does - he says he will call me a bitch if I behave like one.
He's never genuinely hurt me, but he has pushed me out of a room ONCE a few months ago (he said I should have walked out, and admittedly I kept resisting when he was pushing me as if to test whether he would continue... does this make me equally to blame??). I then fell on the floor, and the glass I was holding smashed everywhere. He yelled "I can't believe you just f'ing did that" as if I had done it in a fit of melodrama, instead of having been pushed down by him.
On one other occasion, he was yelling in my face (literally with his head pressed against mine) so I slapped him in an attempt to snap him out of it. It's the only time I've ever slapped someone around the face and I know it sounds terrible. He retaliated immediately by hitting me around the head. It still shocks me to think about it. It wasn't hard, but it completely shocked me. He said he was entitled to "hit back."
Other relevant things - he's not a financial abuser. He earns a lot of money and I have full access to it. I am a SAHM and used to earn good money myself, but willingly gave up my career to look after the kids. If I left I would get a lot of money, but I hate the thought of being a single mother. Why? To be honest because I would feel like I'd failed (there is pretty much no divorce in my family), and i'd be terrified of the effect on our son who adores both of us. I know that I lead a very charmed life and that H works hard to provide it for us. But he is stressed, often moody and difficult to live with as a result. He also expects me to do all of the home 'admin' (or find someone else to do it - he seems to think you can pay for everything...) which often leaves me feeling quite stressed myself.
This is turning into an essay but one more relevant fact... My H suffered from a big drop in testosterone over the last 12 months, due to medication he was taking. The arguments practically disappeared. However, he has nearly recovered now and things are going back to how they used to be. My ability to deal with them, having been through a 'good patch', is worse than ever. But if hormones are to blame, then is it fair to break up the relationship??
Thanks for listening to my rant.