Infidelity

[NCforconfidentiality]

Having read the relationships board afair bit since my exhusband and I seperated a couple of years ago, and reflecting on my own experiences, I can't help but wonder if all men are cheating, would cheat if they had the opportunity, are looking for opportunities, on POF and the like.

My dad cheated on my mum.
Her best friend's husband tried it on with her.

My exh cheated on me. He was the last person I'd have ever expected to cheat. I know everyone says that, but I really thought I'd found a 'good one'. The kind who dropped a friend who invited him to a lapdancing club when we were together, hated the way some TV storylines treated infidelity so casually, never even so much as noticeably looked at another woman in the street, didn't flirt, didn't go out much, worked hard, good family man... blah blah... then I discovered he'd been going on NSA websites and was having an affair with a woman at work. I ended the marriage.

My LTR before that cheated on me and got another woman pregnant while we were together.

Since then, four men have shown an interest in me. Two of them are/were married. (One is single. The other is my boyfriend.)

The first, I met through friends. We hit it off and became friends. He went on to tell me that he'd fallen in love with me and tried every line: they were only together for the children; he would leave if he could; they didn't have sex anymore; they should never have married in the first place; they weren't even friends any more... I ended the 'friendship'.

The second was more of a shock. I've known he and his wife for several years. He isn't claiming to be in love with me, and I certainly don't think he's looking for an 'exit affair'. I'm assuming he just fancies me and thinks it would be nice to see what I'm 'like', or something. I suppose. Who knows.

The point is, the wives of both of these men would think they have nothing to worry about. I don't really know the first man's wife very well, but he is quiet, unassuming, rather lacking in confidence, educated, intelligent and intellectual. The second, I know trusts her husband implicitly, he clearly and openly adores her, and, the sad thing is, he is the man I kept in mind as 'proof' that there are decent men out there. These are both decent, hardworking, either at work or at home, not out at the pub or away on business... The kind of men that women on here are with who say, "I know my husband would never cheat". At least one is close with his wife, there are no cracks in their relationship, he is supportive of her, and compliments her and is just lovely and sweet to her. In fact, I have always held every aspect of their family/relationship in my mind as proof that it's out there and it can work. These are those men.

And I haven't done anything to court or invite it. I'm not the sort of woman other women worry about being around their husbands; I've really rather average in most respects, I don't flirt. I'm hardly a 'femme fatale'. So I'm guessing it's not the first time for either of them in reality.

History suggests I'm the sort of woman men cheat on , not with So this is really affecting how I feel about my own boyfriend and relationships in general.

And I know people are going to say that these men are just bastards and that there are decent men out there, but these are the decent men. Or at least, their wives (and I!) believed they are, and that's all any of us have to go on after all, isn't it?

Most people go into relationships with every intention to be faithful. Then problems occur and the relationship becomes unstable. This is when people lose focus and become vulnerable to the attentions of others.

I suppose the bottom line for me is that people who trust are just beginning to look increasingly naive. And that's a horrible way to view the world, but I could provide lots of evidence to support it.

And again, Earth, I do have boundaries, but, as your partner found out, you don't always know it's happening.

Doit one of the two men who propositioned me is very happily married. If you saw them together, they appear to be absolutely solid. There is nothing unstable about their relationship. They have been together for over 20 years.

He's not vulnerable to the attentions of others. He's seeking it out.

well, I always say I don't trust anyone 100% and that includes myself

I know quite a few really nice blokes that are in LTR that are devoted to the wives. I have seen at works parties and other celebrations where their wives haven't been present, they have been drunk and woke have tried it on with them. I have seen them brush women off and tell them in no uncertain terms that they are married. It wasn't done for top show. I am normal sober and because of this I get to see how people behave when their inhibitions are down.

Not all men are bastards.

flip when a relationship is good it is good. It's when a relationship is going through hard times that people are prone to stray. Those married men you have observed might be different in years to come when the relationship hits hard times once too often.
OP are you 100 per cent sure this adoring couple are not in an open relationship? We never know what goes in other peoples relationships.

Doit They are constructing a very convincing narrative to the contrary if they are.

flip Some people just don't like to do it on their own doorsteps. That's all. A dalliance at work is a lot harder to keep quiet. And it's a lot easier to convince people of your faithfulness if you are often seen to be publicly turning others down.

I think it happens when things aren't honky dorey in your life and its that old thing of wanting to "change" something. You can't leave your job, move house, so lets have a bit of excitement, your relationship is a bit stale, you are lacking attention, lets go off and have some fun.

I can think of 3 couples that I know of who seemed "devoted" and "rock solid" who split up through infidelity.
Much as I love my DH of 30 years, I have always been aware that he could succumb to temptations at any time during our marriage, and I think everyone should be mindful of that.
You never know any one individual 100% or how they will behave, you just have to go into any relationship with your eyes wide open and not let your heart completely rule your head.

Ok doom merchants! Everyone cheats or might cheat .
Happy now.

I happen to think you are talking shit. Many people may but not all do. In fact why bother having relationships because everyone is going to shag someone else.

Fair enough Flip but why 'bother having relationships at all because everyone is going to shag someone else' is where I'm at.

So I guess I have my answer then

I would never trust anyone 100%, i hope dh is faithful but I honestly don't think it would be the biggest shock in the world if he cheated.

I used to think differently, I used to think love was enough and I knew that I would never cheat. That is until I almost did, it wasn't even with someone I knew that well. He was flirty and I just went along with it knowing I'd never cheat. He asked me to meet up for a drink an I agreed, it was only later that I realised what this drink would have lead to that I cancelled.

Nobody that knows me would think I could cheat, and I didn't but I was closer than I ever thought I would get to cheating. I'll never let myself forget how close I came to going for that drink.

lunar see, you didn't cheat. You were probably a bit naive with what 'going for a drink' meant but once you realised you cancelled. See not everyone cheats.

I've cheated. In early relationships when I was young. I was in a string of bad relationships and very weak when someone showed me signs of affection. I'm not proud of it and as I've grown older and hopefully wiser plus counselling and a lot of self help I feel I know who I am now and what my morals are. I was married but I never cheated during my eight year marriage.

I have also been cheated on. In fact the day after my fiancé and I split he had his new girl in the house.

I think everybody has the capacity to cheat. I do think men are more inclined to cheat with a pretty face and woman are more inclined to cheat when they are unhappy in a relationship. I say more inclined for both as I'm sure that's not always the case either ways.

I don't believe anyone should ever believe their partner wouldn't cheat.

Would I forgive my partner now if he was to cheat. I think I would try. However I doubt I would succeed.

infidelity is just as likely to be a symptom of problems in a relationship as the cause of problems in a relationship.

that said, I think it is possible to cheat on someone if you love them

I also think that cheating is not always the worst thing that can happen in a relationship

life is not black and white - even nice people sometimes cheat and lie (and not just in a sexual/relationship context)

OP, you are right. Everyone is capable of cheating and I am another believer who thinks that everyone would given the opportunity.

Every couple who I've thought was the strongest, had the best marriage etc, it has happened to. One best friend was cheated on two years ago and her marriage ended and another best friend came out with me one night and snogged someone because they were jealous that I could do it whenever I wanted (I was single) and she couldn't because she was married.

My Dad had an affair and so did my Grandad (although that was during the war while he was in the RAF and based in Australia - not sure if it makes a difference - but I doubt it...).

One of my Sisters had an affair and left her husband and a different brother-in-law has had several. My sister is still with him.

I haven't cheated but my husband cheated on his current girlfriend with me (I didn't know he was still with her) when we first met almost 20 years ago (we were only together a month that time around). So I'm sure he could do it again if he wanted to. The sad thing is, I probably expect that he will and therefore have always kept a bit of myself away from him so I could cope on my own if I have to.

I think if people were honest, they probably do the same. Self-preservation and all that.

The majority of my male friends don't cheat on their wife's. The ones that do cheat (around 40%) come in all sorts of types; from a devoted husband to the careless player who openly cheats on his wife.

OTOH women aren't as innocent; when I was younger it was much easier to bed a married woman than anybody else. Its a cliche but I think women just hide it better than men. I'm sure a few married women have woken up with a stranger and 'regretted' it.

"In fact why bother having relationships because everyone is going to shag someone else."

That's a defeatist attitude. :) I think it's actually a good thing to be realistic enough to know that, just because there's a ring on a finger or a signature on a joint account, nothing's guaranteed. I don't like the phrase 'working at a relationship' because it sounds more heavy-going than it should be. Not everyone is going to cheat, of course, but relationships can easily drift without attention and a lot of people forget that and start taking each other for granted. Also, if a relationship is going wrong, it's probably better to acknowledge it early on rather than stick heads in the sand, let resentment fester or start being dishonest.

I also believe anyone is capable of being unfaithful. It doesn't, in my opinion, do any good for one to say they trust their partner 100% not to.

I do think men are more inclined to cheat with a pretty face

Do you think men are less likely to cheat if they've got 'a pretty face' at home already?

I know someone is going to cite celebrities who've been cheated on, but, to be honest, I don't think that's an accurate reflection of real life. Because it isn't.

Men are more likely to cheat because cheating = sex to a certain extent. Men more than women seem to be able to separate a relationship from sex (otherwise prostitutes wouldn't be in such abundance).

So they may have a devoted, pretty wife at home but be tempted to just have a fling for the fun. It doesn't change their attitude or indeed love for their wife. It certainly does disrespect them, but that's a different thing.

Flip it's not that all men are cheats its that when there is a breakdown for one reason or another in a relationship, that is a time when affairs happen. They are not always bad people just normal human beings. The older you get the more you realise that relationships take work, lots of work. Relationships need protecting and nourishing. Sometimes people treat their friends with more respect than they do their OH. Learning to protect your relationship from an affair is important if you want to remain a team.

"Do you think men are less likely to cheat if they've got 'a pretty face' at home already?"

Don't be daft. :) That's like asking if some men are not going to take up the offer of driving a Ferrari because they've got a Porsche in the garage. Some people are quite capable of neatly parcelling up their life between 'family them'... solid member of the community, father of two, doting husband to marvellous wife etc and 'playboy them'... taking advantage of frequent business trips to have a mistress or even another family in another town. 'And never the twain shall meet'

There are a lot of assumptions though that cheating only happens in unhappy relationships.

I think in some cases, it just happens because someone wants it to and it can. Rather than because they're desperately unhappy with what they have. At least one of the married men who tried it on with me is in a happy marriage. Not perfect, but it's happy, they support each other well, they are on similar 'wavelengths', he compliments her and values her...

I think it is just making me think I don't want to be part of any of it.To be honest.

My boyfriend has plenty of opportunity to cheat. He says he wouldn't, how do I know whether he would/is doing or not? The truth is, I don't.

I do sort of know it's daft cogito

But I think that it's just that if these slim, attractive, sexy women I know have husbands who could cheat on them with pasty, mousey me, then what chance do I have!

My head's just going round in circles.

I'm trying to rationalise whether or not I'm more or less likely to be cheated on than someone else. I suppose.

wary I would wonder how they could love someone and do that.