Pregnant with second child but husband doesn't want it... have no idea where to go with this!

[Dorothy77]

Hi everyone

I feel this could be a pretty long post so apologies in advance!

I have just found out I am 6 weeks pregnant with our second child. It was a complete accident and a shock but I was really pleased as I always wanted a second child at some point. My husband however, doesnt want it he says we cant afford it (we are in a huge amount of debt not disputing that) and he feels our life is stressful enough being both full time working parents. He also doubts himself as a father and says he doesnt think he could handle having another child. He is saying he doesnt think our marriage will last another 12 months if I go through with the pregnancy but, if I am forced into a termination, I probably wouldnt even give us that long. He wants to give our son everything we can rather than scrimp along with two children, which I understand but to me material things arent the priority here.
My husband has depression/issues but refuses to go on medication so is on the waiting list for therapy (CBT I think) so he is aware that he is being negative. The thing is when I told him I was pregnant last week his first reaction was to smile and tell me everything was going to be ok. Its like hes had a few days to overthink everything and has let the negative thinking take over. Ive tried to get on his wavelength but I just cant we are poles apart with this.
I really want this baby I am an only child myself and hubby has 1 sister but she disappeared years ago and hasnt spoken to anyone since. Therefore my son has no aunts, uncles or cousins and if I terminate this baby will not have a brother or sister either and that makes me really sad.
I feel that whatever I decide will put a huge strain on us as individuals and on our marriage either way one of us will be forced into something we dont want and I dont know what to do.

Has anyone else been through this or even if you havent but have some advice I would really appreciate it.

xx

If whatever you decide will put a big strain on the marriage, go with the decision that makes you personally happiest. Husbands come and go, DCs are for life...

Don't have an abortion if you don't want to.

I'm sorry you are going through this. :(

I'm all for women having the choice to terminate a pregnancy. But if you actually want this child, then I can't imagine how you'll live with the regret. If you want the child, keep it. End of.

This baby exists now. Having a termination won't change that.

He can't make it not happen and he can't make your feelings about it go away by pushing you into a termination.

Whatever happens in the future will be in the context of you having been pregnant now.

Financial well being is a very small consideration in a child's life. There are lots of other things that matter more.

I agree with PP. If he says the marriage is over if you keep the baby, and you say the marriage is over if you terminate, then your only real option is to keep the baby.

Imagine if you terminate and 6 months from now he fucks off with next door neighbour/secretary anyway??!!

If you want to stay together then all I can suggest is counselling to help you both through. I have to say if I were in your shoes I would keep the baby as it is what you really want. It will be your child for life and a sibling for your existing DC.

Babies bring their own love and maybe he will change his mind when it is born. If he doesn't then I am sure you will cope, like many of us already do.

Good luck and congratulations

Thanks everyone... there is so much going through my head at the moment. If I keep the baby and the marriage breaks down will I cope on my own? Part of me is questioning our relationship anyway... the way he has dealt with this is already making me look at him differently and consider that he's maybe not the person I thought he was. If we can't come together on something as important as a child's life then where does that leave our future?

"If we can't come together on something as important as a child's life then where does that leave our future?"

Have you told him this? Does he realise the true consequences of what he's suggesting?

I would be very scared of having another child if I was desperately in debt and my husband was suffering from serious depression.

Hi op, sorry you are in such a horrible situation when you should be celebrating. I am vehemently pro choice, which of course means having the choice to continue a pregnancy if that's what you wish.

At the end of the day, for better or worse, you are the one who will have to either go through the pregnancy or the termination procedure, so the buck rests with you. I don't know if that's great to have the choice or terrible to be responsible with the decision, but it is what it is.

Depression issues aside, I do think financial issues are an important thing to consider when deciding to continue a pregnancy or not. Is there any way you could have a sensible discussion with your partner about this? You guys have done it before so would have a rough idea of costs etc, plus hopefully you still have a lot of baby stuff from the first time. Maybe he just needs some reassuring?

But as a base line I would recommend making the decision as if you were going it alone. It would be the worst case scenario (I guess?) So that's what you should plan around. Anything better is a great bonus. Basically you could keep the baby, but miscarry later and your partner might forever resent you for keeping it in the first place. Or you could terminate and hate him for it.

You can only make a decision based on now.

Sorry there's really no other advice to give but I hope you make a decision which feels right to you.

There are so many things to consider here that you almost have to forget them all and go straight to the bottom line. That, for me, is that it is your body and therefore your ultimate choice. Of course your DH's opinions are valid & important, but if you can't agree what to do then you get to choose.

No women should have a termination if they do not want one. Just the same as no women should continue with a pregnancy that they really do not want, just because their DH/DP wants them to.

It is quite possible that he is looking at the situation through a fog of depression where everything seems gloomy & negative. I would be tempted (very tempted) to see if something can be done to get him some urgent treatment, over the next week or two, for his depression. I know no treatment works instantly, but hopefully in 4 weeks or so, he could be a little better & more able to see the positives of the situation as well as the negatives. You could really do with him being mentally well to help make this huge decision. It may be that his feelings are no different at all though.

He says your marriage won't last another year if you keep the baby.

You say your marriage won't last another year if you don't keep the baby.

Your marriage is over regardless : the question here is what do you want to do about the baby? You will be a single parent one way or the other anyway. You do what makes you happiest I think now.

A sibling for your son would be a much better gift to him than material things. Your DH initial response was positive so it may just be doubt/ depression creeping in... He's backtracking because he's worried about how you'll cope on several levels. Maybe he will come round when the initial shock wears off a little?
Do you know why your DH is so against depression meds? Won't he even try them? At least until the CBT starts up?
Anyhow, I would proceed with the pregnancy. You want the child. Speaking as an only child, I would have loved a sibling.
I think I would make it clear to your DH that you want the child you created together and that if he really feels that your marriage won't withstand it then so be it... Of course, he must realise that even if you divorced he would still be financially responsible for your children?

Could you live with yourself if you terminated the pregnancy?
Would you ever want to do that?

If its 'No' to those questions, form your plans for coping as a single parent. You can't carry an adult male as well as two babies. He'll have to go.

I feel sorry for your husband tbh. He doesn't want another child at this moment in time yet he really has no say in the matter from this moment on. He has given you the reasons why and I think they are valid reasons.

Don't have an abortion if you don't want one. Stand firm and go ahead with it. I speak from personal experience when I say a man can demand you have an abortion and be awful throughout your pregnancy but eventually come round in the end. It has happened to friends of mine.

One friends DH actually moved out when she insisted on keeping their 3rd child - they had just taken out a wacking big mortgage and were both working full time. He even refused to come to the birth and the hospital (not that she wanted him there anyway by that point)

After she had the baby he moved back in 3 months later. Now 6 years later he is ashamed of awful he was, and loves his little girl to death. If my friend had buckled and had an abortion it would have destroyed them and her.

I don't know many people who regretted having a child although they might regret the timing.

I know lots of people who have regretted an abortion.

Being forced/coerced into an abortion is a form of domestic violence.

Him blackmailing you is disgusting.

Quitelikely Mon 21-Jul-14 19:39:45
I feel sorry for your husband tbh. He doesn't want another child at this moment in time yet he really has no say in the matter from this moment on. He has given you the reasons why and I think they are valid reasons.

They may be valid reasons, but ultimately the OP is the one who will have to make that decision and I think she should focus on what she wants as by her reasoning the marriage is doomed anyway.

He won't be the one who will have to live with the regrets for the rest of his life, and it's not his body. If he was that determined not to have another child he had the choice to take responsibility before he had sex.

It's a terrible decision and you are both entitled to your opinions your dh isn't necessarily wrong for not wanting another child.

Have you thought about the practicalities? Forget about the romanticism of aunts and siblings (who quite often hate each other) and about the sacrifices which will be needed are you willing to make them?

could you call a pregnancy crisis helpline discuss it through with an independent?

If you feel so strongly about another DC you already know deep down, you must keep this baby. However, plan and be prepared to be a single parent of two and struggling financially with nil input from your DH. If you imagine the absolute worse scenario, and still want this baby then go for it!

Pregnancy aren't something to magic away when they're inconvenient I.e. have an abortion because of debt.

Sorry I feel quite strongly as my mum was given £100 to abort my brother by his father as didn't suit him

As you say, I think your relationship isn't in a good place and his depression isn't helping things.

I don't know what I would do OP. Probabky keep the baby and work things out in terms of debt.

My exh left when I was pregnant. I decided that I didnt want a child to pay the price for his poor behaviour so I went ahead by myself. Yes, ive had to work harder and go without more than my married friends but I wouldnt swap a second of it. Ds is 10 now and I have never regretted my choice. It was scary but things sorted themselves out as time went on.

Dont let fear sway you from doing what you believe to be right: ultimately, you have to live with whatever you decide so base your decision on what you believe to be the right thing to do. You have time to find out practical information such as how your finances will work if that is what is worrying you. But dont forget, even the most prepared, organised families get nasty shocks such as redundancy, where their financial stability is shattered over night. If you know that going ahead is the right thing for you, I promise you that the practicalities will get sorted and you will manage.

Quitelikely - the H could have used a condom if he felt that strongly he didn't want another baby.

If this relationship is failing etc wouldn't it be better to call it a day and have another child when you meet someone else who actually wants to share the joys of parenting? Instead of going it alone and having a situation where there is a lack of input from the father. I do believe it benefits children to have both parents involved in their life. Each to their own though.

QuiteLikely If the OP doesn't want to abort, then actually she shouldn't. An abortion can play havoc with mental health; I saw the effect on someone I know.

Quitelikely - you have a right to your view and you make some very valid points. I'm just worried about the effects terminating will have when it's not what I want.
As for having a child with someone else, it would be lovely to think I had that much time but I am nearly 38 and diabetic so if I abort this child I may not get another chance - or even if I do, the health risks for me and the baby grow with time.
At the moment I am pretty healthy and for me there is no justification for ending this little life.