Pregnant with second child but husband doesn't want it... have no idea where to go with this!

[Dorothy77]

Hi everyone

I feel this could be a pretty long post so apologies in advance!

I have just found out I am 6 weeks pregnant with our second child. It was a complete accident and a shock but I was really pleased as I always wanted a second child at some point. My husband however, doesnt want it  he says we cant afford it (we are in a huge amount of debt  not disputing that) and he feels our life is stressful enough being both full time working parents. He also doubts himself as a father and says he doesnt think he could handle having another child. He is saying he doesnt think our marriage will last another 12 months if I go through with the pregnancy but, if I am forced into a termination, I probably wouldnt even give us that long. He wants to give our son everything we can rather than scrimp along with two children, which I understand but to me material things arent the priority here.
My husband has depression/issues but refuses to go on medication so is on the waiting list for therapy (CBT I think) so he is aware that he is being negative. The thing is when I told him I was pregnant last week his first reaction was to smile and tell me everything was going to be ok. Its like hes had a few days to overthink everything and has let the negative thinking take over. Ive tried to get on his wavelength but I just cant we are poles apart with this.
I really want this baby  I am an only child myself and hubby has 1 sister but she disappeared years ago and hasnt spoken to anyone since. Therefore my son has no aunts, uncles or cousins and if I terminate this baby will not have a brother or sister either and that makes me really sad.
I feel that whatever I decide will put a huge strain on us as individuals and on our marriage either way one of us will be forced into something we dont want and I dont know what to do.

Has anyone else been through this or even if you havent but have some advice I would really appreciate it.

xx

[Frogisatwat]

Dorothy read your last post. You know the right decision.
You will cope on your own. He might come round he might not. You will manage.

[juneau]

If you don't want to terminate - don't.

He cannot force you and he created this embryo every bit as much as you did. If he's having second thoughts now he wouldn't be the first man to shag first and regret later. He needs to accept that he is 50% responsible and man up FFS.

[HazelBite]

He has already changed his mind once, what is to say that perhaps after some treatment/therapy he won't change it again.

Do not have a termination unless you are 100% okay with it and are 100% sure that you will not live to regret it, otherwise it will eat you up.

The problem is not the pregnancy or the debts it is your DH.

Years down the line your debt problems will be sorted, what will your mental/emtional health be like if you do what he wants?
Telling/asking you to have a termination is not taking 50% of the responsibility for what has happened. Perhaps properly addressing his depression might go some way to taking some responsibility.

Good Luck x

[BeenThereGotTheTShirt]

I was in the same situation. He told me to have an abortion or he would leave me.

I kept the baby and dealt with the fall out, never regretted it.

[BeenThereGotTheTShirt]

We were married with 1 child already.

[LittleMissRayofHope]

He has effectively asked you to choose between him and your unborn baby with the whole 'our marriage won't last a year if you keep the baby'. That is a huge and cruel emotional manipulation. He knows you want the baby and yet he forcing you to choose. If you terminate the baby - when you actually want it - you will in time resent him so strongly you will hate him and there is the possibility that he will turn to hate and resent you in justification of his own feelings.
If you choose the baby then you are telling him that your love for an unknown and unborn child is stronger then your love for him.
I would do the second. If my DH ever asked me something like that I would know, deep down, that just by him asking our relationship was dead.

Bringing a baby into a stressful and debt filled environment is hard. I would be scared but to me it's still better then terminating against your wishes. You would be doing it to please him but your relationship is gone already.
Make yourself happy.

Btw, a second child costs next to nothing compared to the first. Yes, once they are older and your paying for expensive things and school trips, extra tuition and clubs etc you will see the financial aspect but as a baby... Can this one not have old toys and clothes? I'm about to have my second and my first is a girl and this is a boy so I've had to buy stuff again but it's just the clothes that are different and we don't have much. Baby can use DD's old toys and stuff.

Hope your doing ok. Stay strong. Hugs

[Goldmandra]

for me there is no justification for ending this little life.

You know exactly where you need to go with this. Termination is not an option for you.

If your marriage breaks up you will cope and you and your DH will always have the option to try again.

[sezamcgregor]

One of the reasons why I chose to have my DS was that there's no guarantee that I'd be able to fall pregnant again. I decided that the lifelong struggle as a single parent was the lesser of the two evils of that, and the lifelong struggle of knowing that I should have a son, but "decided not to".

Having one DC, you know already how difficult parenting is. You probably have friends that already juggle two children and can see how difficult it can be - but also, seeing children grow up together, you also know the special bond that they can have (I say can as some siblings just hate each other).

I think that if I were so set on not ending the pregnancy, I would reassess your options with DH. It is still early days yet - and until you're on the other side of the first trimester, anything could happen.

I hope that you manage to resolve this soon, there's nothing worse than going through a pregnancy crying yourself to sleep every night because the person that it supposed to love you the most is giving you a hard time and making you wish your precious little baby away and doubt your decision. I know, I've been there. BUT I'd rather have endured all of that and have my DS than be without him. Challenging as he is! He's everything to me and I'm sure your children will be the same to you.

As PP have said, "husbands come and go, DC are for life"

[kilmuir]

Will you be looking for child support from him?

[Goldmandra]

Will you be looking for child support from him?

That is irrelevant.

[Bogeyface]

Why shouldnt she be looking for Child Support on the basis that they already have a child?! Or should she just get it for the one child on the basis that she "forced" him to become a father again by jumping on him and stealing his sperm

for me there is no justification for ending this little life.

So dont. Your marriage will sink or swim either way, but if you terminate when you dont want to then you will carry that forever.

[ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy]

His reasons for preferring an abortion are understandable, as are yours for preferring to continue with the pregnancy.

However, you are pregnant, it is your body and it is your choice. Yes, you may break up but he will still need to pay child support, see the kids etc. And you may not break up.

Good luck, OP

[Ketchuphidestheburntbits]

The fact that in your OP you have said 'I really want this baby' means that you should not be forced into having an abortion. The question to ask yourself is would you regret a termination more than ending your marriage by continuing with the pregnancy?

[mammadiggingdeep]

From what you say, I think you would regret a termination and the marriage probably wouldn't be the same anyway. This baby exists already...your husband can't demand you terminate.

[Itsfab]

Have your lovely baby, he or she will be loved very much by his or her mum. Nothing else matters. Certainly not a man who says get rid of the baby or I am leaving you .

[TeamSteady]

I think you have had many sensible answers OP.

Just to reiterate, as he has already changed his mind once, he may well change it back... my DH wasn't pleased when i fell pg with DS2, but over the first trimester he came to terms with the idea (like yours he was worried about money and material practicalities of another DC) and by the time DS2 was born he adored him, and has ever since.

[KeepSmiling83]

Dorothy77 I could have written parts of your post myself. I have just found out that I am pregnant with #2 although my husband is happy about it. However I work part time and he is currently off work with depression. There are all sorts of problems at his work at the moment which could lead to him losing his job. This would mean we would have to move house as we couldn't afford it on my salary. I am really starting to stress about this now and hate all this uncertainty. I am also starting to worry how our DD will be affected and if we were selfish trying for another. We weren't actively trying hard but weren't being careful and if anyone else had written what I have I would have questioned what they were doing!

I'm just so sad that this is not a happy time like it should be (and was with #1) but already a stressful time. I haven't got any advice but just so you know you are not alone!

[QuintessentiallyQS]

Your marriage is over regardless : the question here is what do you want to do about the baby? You will be a single parent one way or the other anyway. You do what makes you happiest I think now.

I second this. If your husband felt so strongly, he should have made sure no pregnancy could happen.

[Dorothy77]

Hi everyone

Thanks so much for all your replies.

He's now saying he'll support me if I decide to keep it but can't see how we'll survive both from a relationship perspective and financially - he doesn't want to risk the roof we currently have over our heads and deprive our son for the sake of another child. He doesn't see how having this child will benefit us in any way (!) and if this were in 12-18 months time he would be fully on board.

The first part of this, to me, seems like emotional blackmail and the second part, well... I asked is he seriously saying hey it's not convenient at the moment so let's just get rid of this one but we can try again in a year! He pretty much said yes. I'm stunned.

He is right in the fact that we can't really afford it - I earn the higher salary by about £10k a year so me being on mat leave would have a huge impact and we are stretched to the limit now. He wants justification on how it is going to work and I can't give him that. The only argument I have is that this baby is growing inside me and I loathe the thought of a termination.

[Goldmandra]

Your argument is the most powerful by miles. In his head he is just postponing having a child. In yours you would be killing your child because he or she isn't arriving at a convenient time.

You would clearly never forgive yourself or him and your relationship would be doomed, to say nothing of your emotional well being.

You know what you need to do. I hope he wakes up and realises what he's asking you to do soon and stops talking about termination.

[ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy]

Can he share your maternity leave as you earn more?

Again, his views are not unreasonable in themselves (as in - later for another child would be better ) but it is your body, your feelings and your choice.

[EhricLovesTheBhrothers]

You don't have to convince him if the benefit of keeping the pg. the pregnancy exists, it's not like you are persuading him to ttc. The time for convincing has past, he justs has to get used to it.

[DontstepontheMomeRaths]

Dorothy can you get some financial advice? Speak to cab or even go on a cap money course or similar?

If you can have a long term plan for your finances on how to reduce the debt and also how to manage whilst on mat leave that will greatly reduce anxiety.

[LittleMissRayofHope]

I would struggle to believe him 100% tbh. If this was me and my DH said 'kill it we can try again in a year' the bugger part of me would say to myself 'what if in a year we aren't financially better off? What if he changes his mind? What if he doesn't mean that and is saying it to persuade me?'
I'm a naturally suspicious person as it is but it seems like he is padding his argument.

What is going to be different in a years time that will mean you can afford a second baby?
As pp said, why not split your mat leave? My DB and his wife did that as she is the higher earner and it worked out great for them.
I think you know deep down that you can't terminate this baby. Even if he is 100% on trying again in a year... You'll always resent him for making you terminate this one and what if you can't conceive again?

Put yourself and your baby first. Many a single mum has coped before, you will cope with this

[ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy]

LittleMiss, like many people, I don't think the DH would see the abortion as killing. If OP does, then I think she already has her answer and had it from the POAS moment.