Pregnant with second child but husband doesn't want it... have no idea where to go with this!

[Dorothy77]

Hi everyone

I feel this could be a pretty long post so apologies in advance!

I have just found out I am 6 weeks pregnant with our second child. It was a complete accident and a shock but I was really pleased as I always wanted a second child at some point. My husband however, doesnt want it  he says we cant afford it (we are in a huge amount of debt  not disputing that) and he feels our life is stressful enough being both full time working parents. He also doubts himself as a father and says he doesnt think he could handle having another child. He is saying he doesnt think our marriage will last another 12 months if I go through with the pregnancy but, if I am forced into a termination, I probably wouldnt even give us that long. He wants to give our son everything we can rather than scrimp along with two children, which I understand but to me material things arent the priority here.
My husband has depression/issues but refuses to go on medication so is on the waiting list for therapy (CBT I think) so he is aware that he is being negative. The thing is when I told him I was pregnant last week his first reaction was to smile and tell me everything was going to be ok. Its like hes had a few days to overthink everything and has let the negative thinking take over. Ive tried to get on his wavelength but I just cant we are poles apart with this.
I really want this baby  I am an only child myself and hubby has 1 sister but she disappeared years ago and hasnt spoken to anyone since. Therefore my son has no aunts, uncles or cousins and if I terminate this baby will not have a brother or sister either and that makes me really sad.
I feel that whatever I decide will put a huge strain on us as individuals and on our marriage either way one of us will be forced into something we dont want and I dont know what to do.

Has anyone else been through this or even if you havent but have some advice I would really appreciate it.

xx

[AskBasil]

Just tell him that the discussion is over, it's your body and your choice and he needs to accept that and start getting his head round it, planning it and learning how to deal with it. Is there anyway you could go to the doctor's with him to ask them to put him further up the list for CBT as it's now become urgent?

[Runningforfun]

But the roof over your heads is going either way.

Go ahead and have the baby and he says the marriage won't last 12 months or go ahead and have a termination and the marriage is over straight away.

Either way you need to move on and given your age and health issues and the way you feel I would go ahead and have the baby.

Saying you can try again in a year gives him more time to string you along. He knows at pushing 40 and a diabetic the chances of you conceiving are very slim.

And why is he not taking meds in the short term. He sounds a tad like a control freak.

[Viviennemary]

I don't think your DP is in the wrong for not wanting another child whilst you are heavily in debt and he is suffering from depression. But on the other hand if you really don't want to go through with a termination and do you might regret it for years. I agree with Yvyb.

[scarletoconnor]

Dorethy you need to speak to someone about whst financial help is available to you. I know my dsis partner gave her the same decision when she was pregnant with her 2dc. She left him as she wanted the baby she spoke to the gingerbread charity and they told her exactly what help she was entitled to.
She got help with things like going on college courses, healthy start vouchers etc.
You need to speak to them so you know how you will cope financially if your dh or you do end the relationship
You need to look at what tax credits etc you are entitled to if you stay together.

As for timing of a baby, I was once told if you wait for the perfect time to have a baby, you'll never have one. If you want this baby then you keep it.

[holeinmyheart]

You are between a rock and a hard place and I utterly respect your right to do with your body as you think fit. ( that is my head saying that) my guts are screaming, please don't abort the baby. You want the baby. You will so love it and it will enrich your life for ever. Your son will have a sibling and you experienced growing up without one. When they have things to face, like everyone does eventually ( the death of parents, probate etc) they will have someone to turn to. I have seen so often that blood is thicker than water. ( before I get slated, I know that it is not always the case) Your husband may or may not be there for you in the future but the baby will be. Hard as it is now, you will survive.

[Bogeyface]

if this were in 12-18 months time he would be fully on board.

Jam tomorrow!

So if you abort this one then you can ttc in a year?! I dont believe that for one minute, its a blatant attempt to persuade you to abort this baby.

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

I am also quite on your behalf with your DH suggesting you should abort this baby & try again in 12 months time!

It sounds as though your heart has made your decision OP, please don't be guilted in to having a termination you don't want on an empty promise of TTC again in 12 months time (why will that be better anyway?).

Financially speaking, you may need to take just the minimum maternity leave as you are the higher earner but it is always doable. Yes, of course babies can cost a fortune - but they don't have to!

[AskBasil]

"He's now saying he'll support me if I decide to keep it but can't see how we'll survive both from a relationship perspective and financially"

Why can't he see how you'll survive? If he loves you and is committed to you and your family and wants it to survive, he won't be able to see how he can possibly not ensure it does survive.

Relationships survive if people want them to. That's the bottom line. If he's not sure how the one thing that should be non-negotiable to him - the survival of your relationship - can happen, then maybe he needs to be honest about whether he really wants it to survive. People go through hell and high water to fight for their relationships, sometimes misguidedly, sometimes inspirationally. Those relationships survive or not, because of the choices people make. The relationship doesn't do things independently of the people having it, it develops as a result of their decisions and their actions. He's being very dishonest with himself and with you, if he takes this passive wishy washy attitude of "I don't know how our relationship can survive", when what he means is "I don't know if I want to do the things which mean our relationship will not just survive, but will grow and flourish as will our whole family".

The implication is that if you do something he doesn't want - give birth to your baby - he will not function as a partner, because he won't be doing any work on the relationship, that will all be your job. You really need to nail him down on this, because it's the difference between having a supportive, loving partner and having some twat who thinks you should be grateful he's stuck around and you'd better do some heavy duty work on keeping your relationship together because that's not his job.

I think you and your children deserve better than that, I think you deserve a partner and father 100% committed to you, so he'd better step up to the mark. Congratulations on your pregnancy.

[Itsfab]

So he won't really support you if you have the baby.

He is still guilt tripping you.

I have always felt the father has as much right as the mother given that he has to pay whether he wanted the baby or not if the condom failed - but he is being very casual about your child's life. Losing a baby is horrible whether you choose too or not - miscarriage or termination - it really isn't an easy decision for many people and he is being very clinical.

Maybe he says he will support you as you aren't falling into line but I would be thinking very carefully about whether my marriage is going to continue as I would definitely be having this baby.

[LittleMissRayofHope]

Admittedly 'kill' was the wrong word. I was being a bit flippant there. I don't see it as killing either so sorry I said that.
Follow your heart and your gut, you have already stated several times that you want to keep this baby. That is exactly what you should do

[ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy]

Thanks LittleMiss.

[Dorothy77]

Well there is no further discussion to be had on 'if' I keep the baby... I'm keeping it and I've told him this. Cue more emotional blackmail:
"So you're willing to risk a roof over ours and our son's head for the sake of another child"
"What is this insatiable need for this baby? Why can't you just be happy with what you've got?"
"So nothing I've said is important to you, you're just going to go ahead on a wing and a prayer and hope for the best"
"We certainly won't have money to do the rest of the house up now - if we are going ahead with this baby you cannot moan about the state of the house, you cannot moan about the state of the garden because we will have nothing."

Since all of this we have been civil to each other but I feel so much has changed. I had horrendous headache and sickness on Sat so went to the out of hours doc - he didn't once offer to take me, I had to drive myself and he didn't evevn ask how I was feeling or what the doc said when I got back.

I'm not sure if he's hoping it will go away or if he now just needs time to get his head around it but I feel so alone with this - I can't even speak to him about my pregnancy let alone get excited about it.

If it weren't for my mum and a couple of close friends I'd be lost. I almost feel the damage has been done now and I'm looking at him in a completely different way, regardless of whether he comes round or he doesn't.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

He should be supporting you in your choice, OP. It was his decision to have another child as he took no active measure in preventing it - and he could have done this.

It now sounds as if he's saying to you... "Since you're so selfish in wanting this baby, don't you dare complain to me about anything at all because I will throw this back in your face from now till doomsday.".

What will you do now? If it were me, I'd be sorting out my paperwork and financial security as a single mum of two. I'd be getting my mum on board and telling her that the marriage is going to be ending and that I'd appreciate her support, maybe going to stay with her at some point whilst the house is being 'got rid of'.

Once I'd done all that, I would be telling my husband that as the house is going to be going anyway, he should find somewhere to live - by himself. You'll be going to your mother's and the children will be with you. It isn't for him to decide whether he wants to be with you, but for you to decide whether you can ever look him in the face and see him as a decent husband again. You will not restrict access to the children but it will be on your terms. Move in with your mum, friend, whomever - not him.

If he really does decide that you're too wonderful a family to lose, he will take steps to make a new home with you all again. If he doesn't, no loss really.

He's done damage NOW. Take away his choices and see how good he is at repairing it, how much he event wants to.

Best wishes OP

[ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy]

Op, I'm so sorry.

He is wrong to act like this. He must realise that this isn't like a holiday in the uk vs one in Australia where you can maybe compromise on one in the US. There are only two possible outcomes. You could equally say that "nothing you've says is important to him" as he hasn't come round to your POV.

[Goldmandra]

So you're willing to risk a roof over ours and our son's head for the sake of another child

Well seeing as that 'other child' is also yours, your stance seems perfectly reasonable.

He still thinks you're deciding whether or not to get pregnant.

[3littlefrogs]

Oh God. You poor thing.
All I can say is that IMO and IME the best thing you can give your Ds is a sibling. No material things can ever come close.
If your husband forces you to have an abortion that will be the end of your marriage anyway.
If you have an abortion and you really want this child, you are setting yourself up for MH problems for the rest of your life.
Your husband is an adult. He has an equal responsibility for the new life you made together. He needs to make huge efforts to get help with his depression because he too may have serious regrets in the future.
I feel sorry for both of you, but if he didn't want another child the issue of contraception should have been addressed, if necessary by him having a vasectomy.
He may feel differently once the baby is here.

[petalsandstars]

What lyingwitch said - with bells on - you make the decision about yours and your dcs lives now. And it's up to him if he wants to grow up or not.

[Downtheroadfirstonleft]

Ignore "D"H, do what feels right, in your heart.

[BluebellsandWhistles]

I would have left him by now.

[cestlavielife]

he ahs depression and refuses to go on medication.

you have to make the decisions for you (and DS)

make the right decision for you.

he will or wont join in. that is a separate matter

[Dorothy77]

The decision is that I'm keeping our baby and he knows I won't change my mind.

He has been a bit distant the last few days but has been more himself and affectionate towards me over the last 24 hours. The optimist in me would like to think that it's him coming round - I told him I'll probably have an early scan (due to the diabetes) in the next couple of weeks and he said to just let him know when so he can arrange the time off work.

I do feel an awful amount of damage has been done to our relationship but it's his attitude towards me and the baby going forward that will determine for me if that damage can be repaired.

Whilst I'm prepared to give him that opportunity in the short term I am still fully prepared for the fact that things may not work out and can only take things one day at a time for now.

I'm sure there will be setbacks and, depending on the magnitude of those setbacks, I will do whatever needs to be done for me and my children.

Thanks to everyone who has offered advice, it's really helped me put things in perspective.

xx

[NewtRipley]

The central issue here seems to be his mood and his attitude to helping himself with it. Whilst I don't think medication is necessarily the answer I think I'd be really frustrated at his unwillingness to try it.

Maybe this will spur him on

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

I wish you the very best of luck with everything Dorothy77.

I really hope it all works out well for you - and I am very glad that you have made the right decision for you.

[Dorothy77]

Update: unfortunately after all this I have miscarried at 8 weeks.

I am devastated but can't even look at him without thinking he must be relieved/pleased etc. don't want to be anywhere near him which makes me sad and scared for out future.

I feel like a bomb has gone off in the middle of our marriage and we are worlds apart.

[lettertoherms]

Dorothy, I'm so, so sorry for your loss.

Do you any friends/family that can offer you real life support right now? If not, mumsnet is always here.

Try to focus on taking care of yourself right now above anything else.