Pregnant with second child but husband doesn't want it... have no idea where to go with this!

[Dorothy77]

Hi everyone

I feel this could be a pretty long post so apologies in advance!

I have just found out I am 6 weeks pregnant with our second child. It was a complete accident and a shock but I was really pleased as I always wanted a second child at some point. My husband however, doesnt want it  he says we cant afford it (we are in a huge amount of debt  not disputing that) and he feels our life is stressful enough being both full time working parents. He also doubts himself as a father and says he doesnt think he could handle having another child. He is saying he doesnt think our marriage will last another 12 months if I go through with the pregnancy but, if I am forced into a termination, I probably wouldnt even give us that long. He wants to give our son everything we can rather than scrimp along with two children, which I understand but to me material things arent the priority here.
My husband has depression/issues but refuses to go on medication so is on the waiting list for therapy (CBT I think) so he is aware that he is being negative. The thing is when I told him I was pregnant last week his first reaction was to smile and tell me everything was going to be ok. Its like hes had a few days to overthink everything and has let the negative thinking take over. Ive tried to get on his wavelength but I just cant we are poles apart with this.
I really want this baby  I am an only child myself and hubby has 1 sister but she disappeared years ago and hasnt spoken to anyone since. Therefore my son has no aunts, uncles or cousins and if I terminate this baby will not have a brother or sister either and that makes me really sad.
I feel that whatever I decide will put a huge strain on us as individuals and on our marriage either way one of us will be forced into something we dont want and I dont know what to do.

Has anyone else been through this or even if you havent but have some advice I would really appreciate it.

xx

[YourKidsYourRulesHunXxx]

So sorry.

[Coughle]

So sorry you've miscarried.

Your emotions must be all over the place. Keep pushing if it will help

[Coughle]

*posting not pushing

[KiwiJude]

Oh Dorothy, I'm so sorry. Take care of yourself. I hope you have RL support.

[Cerisier]

Dorothy I am so sorry to read your story and your update. I hope you have lots of RL support around you. Thinking of you at this sad time.

[ShelaghTurner]

So sorry for your loss Dorothy. I've been lurking and that was the last update I expected.

[LoveBeingInTheSun]

I'm so sorry

[slightlyconfused85]

Dorothy I am so sorry. I didn't put a post on your original thread but I read it, and I sympathised because my dp originally said the same about our first dd. Your dh won't be relieved or pleased, he loves you and will be feeling sad for your unhappiness. it sounds like he has come round to the idea of the baby so don't think he will be pleased that this haa happened to you. Sending you hugs

[jaynebxl]

So sorry to hear that. What a horrible situation. Please do talk to your dr and make sure you get any help you can because it will take a lot to come back from this for you both.

[Aussiebean]

I'm so sorry. Having had one myself recently I can understand some of what you are going through. Please look after yourself and take all the time you need to grieve and heal.

Once you are a little stronger then you can work out what to do. But for now, just look after yourself and surround yourself with people who will support you.

[ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy]

So sorry

[3littlefrogs]

Dorothy I am am so sorry for your loss.
You must feel as if nothing will ever be the same again.
Be kind to yourself.
Think about whether you have someone to talk to or whether you could do with some help with that. For example you can access counselling through your GP or Relate.

[ChangelingToday]

So sorry Dorothy :(

[ThePinkOcelot]

So so sorry for your loss. Xx

[Castlemilk]

So sorry for your loss

For the moment, just be very kind to yourself. And honest. If you need space from him - ask for it.

In the longer term, counselling - good counselling - might be an idea. For what it's worth - I doubt he will be feeling relieved, more just as fearful as you for the future and afraid that the damage has indeed been done.

Take time.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

I'm very sorry for your loss, Dorothy :(

I would make no big decisions right now, you have enough to come to terms with and your welfare is the most important thing.

[TheWildRumpyPumpus]

I'm so sorry OP. This is such a horrible time you find yourself in. I would imagine that your DH may feel some relief that the 'situation' has ended this way whilst feeling extreme guilt at the same time for having those feelings. You obviously are grieving your loss and he may be too, if not in the same way.

It's so so difficult.

I had a second child, having suffered PND with the first. I wasn't sure that I should, but we were financially secure and my DH was very keen. I ended up in a psychiatric hospital for 4.5 months, and while I have a reasonable relationship now with the children, all 3 of us bear the scars of what was a very bad decision on all of our parts.

[Dorothy77]

Thank you for all your replies and support everyone x

I'm doing ok but still very upset, mainly because I feel that was the last chance for me to have another child. I certainly don't want to get pregnant under the current circumstances given everything we've I've just been through... Especially considering I don't even want my husband anywhere near me at the moment.

I am trying hard but I just don't know how I feel about him anymore.

We've got some friends coming to visit this weekend (we do an aug bank hol BBQ every year) and none of them know any of this has happened... The thought of playing happy families is just dreadful, I feel completely false and just can't be bothered!

Don't know whether to tell him how I feel or whether that will just start another load of hassle I can do without.

[lilywidget]

I understand how you're feeling and why. IMO you just have to live through the next few months the best way you can manage. Focus on doing what you need to do to get through this time. You need time. As time passes you'll start to work out what you need to do and there's no substitute for time passing.

I felt about last Christmas how you feel about this weekend.

I totally understand your last sentence. I got to the stage about a month ago where the balance changed. Up until then the 'load of hassle I could do without' outweighed the need to say how I felt. Then, the need to say how I felt became more important and now having said how I feel I'm in the next phase.

You will get through this.

[3littlefrogs]

davisha12 that is in very poor taste in general and on this thread in particular.

[Dayshiftdoris]

Have reported davisha's post

[Castlemilk]

Woah Davisha, that is one impressive big USA company where the managing director has little grasp of English grammar. Do buzz off.

OP, I completely agree with the poster above who says that there is no substitute for time here. Just take your time, and don't feel obliged to do or be anything for hid sake, ir for keeping up appearances. You don't feel like the BBQ? Cancel. You're ill.

Thinking of you x

[Kundry]

Hope you are okay OP. I am wondering about your DP - having depression is a serious disabling illness but having depression and refusing medication can be a good cover for being a manipulative self centred arse. Which do you think he is?

[hellsbellsmelons]

I'm so sorry for your loss.
This must be a very hard time for you.
I don't have any advice.
I think just fake it 'till you make for now.
Don't rush into any decisions.
Take your time.
Get your feelings in check.
Think things through, then act if necesary.
Try to enjoy your weekend.
for you.