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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anyone awake? Another break up thread...

116 replies

Smashedup · 20/07/2014 06:28

Me and DP have had a rough few weeks. Basically I'm an idiot because I didn't tell the truth about being able to afford a holiday until the last minute and now he can't believe I lied for so long.

Yesterday things all came to a head, he broke up with me saying he didn't love me or want to be with me. Too much has happened between us and that he's just switched and doesn't care about me anymore. He actually was just going to leave me in pieces upset to go out last night but I begged him not to and he stayed in.

I've tried everything last night, crying, begging, pleading with him not to leave. Promising I will change, I shouldn't have lied, just for one more chance and for him not to move out. There isn't anything that works. He changed his Facebook picture to one not of us (childish to do it at this point I think) and said it made him feel better.

I do of course know the saying to let them go, I just have no idea what to do I'm scared if I just leave him he will never come back, I love him so bloody much. I'm well aware I can't force him to feel something but I just want him to see. He's said stuff like this before and then changed his mind once he calms down but I feel I've just pushed him away so much that I've lost him forever.

I've been awake most of the night upset, we've slept in the same bed and when I was crying he cuddled me and softened a bit. As soon as he realised he was he stopped himself. Totally know I sound like a right loser here as this is my doing but I'm in bits. Writing it down is making me feel a bit better

OP posts:
Original poster
Smashedup · 22/07/2014 19:25

We moved into a jointly rented apartment. Both of our names are on the lease

OP posts:
Hissy · 22/07/2014 19:36

Ah, ok.

Could you get out of the contract and matey carries on with the rental agreement?

Hissy · 22/07/2014 19:37

Can you see that no-one should have to live like this? That this is a dead in the water relationship? That he doesn't want to fight for it?

That you are worth more?

SweetErmengarde · 22/07/2014 19:47

OP, are you dating my ex?

I'm not being flippant here, your reference to the Games makes me think you really might be....

tipsytrifle · 22/07/2014 19:48

oh Smashedup - your update at Tue 22-Jul-14 18:33:52 presented as 3 paragraphs of the invisible woman digging her own emotional grave.

I can't describe or express how much i dislike your partner.

With enough time and nausea, perhaps you will start to question the validity of this set-up. But mostly it's just an awful situation.

I used to be an Invisible Woman who always Tried Her Best not to Offend Her Owner too.

tipsytrifle · 22/07/2014 19:52

Sorry - forgot this bit .. a few times you have said you've been dumped.

Why are you still there hoping for heavenly reinstatement when you're dumped? Words exist. The scenarios they paint exist. There's something almost surreal about your "carry on and we'll see" approach.

I mean, dumped means dumped doesn't it?

TalisaMaegyr · 22/07/2014 19:55

< I asked if I was still going to get to go with him and was told 'dunno'.>

Oh do tell him to fuck off Hmm

Where's your PRIDE, woman??

tipsytrifle · 22/07/2014 20:01

His "i dunno" thing is a whole scenario of punishment he has decided to subject you to. In his twisted mind he is doing to you as you did to him. Torture over a period of time exceeds what you did though. So he's added interest on to your payment. You owe him.

All of which makes him a burgeoning misogynistic/sadist, quite frankly. He is your judge, jury and executioner now. Superior, you know? And he is installing the scaffolding for abuse to climb on.

Original poster
Smashedup · 22/07/2014 20:13

Oh that's changed now. I'm going to the games and he's very excited about us going. He's still very guarded and shies away from being anywhere near me (probably punishment and trying to hurt me like I've hurt him)

It doesn't feel healthy, I'm going to spend this evening considering my options. Or even go on this trip and then evaluate from there if it's worth continuing.

OP posts:
TalisaMaegyr · 22/07/2014 20:18

Smashed. If you were going to evaluate your relationship, you wouldn't be going on this trip.

It upsets me that you seem to have so little self worth. This man is a cunt.... but you're not going to listen.

pippitysqueakity · 22/07/2014 20:34

Punishment? Listen to yourself. Who is he to punish you. This is not healthy. Take good care.

Vivacia · 22/07/2014 20:48

It doesn't feel healthy

No shit.

NacMacFeeglie · 22/07/2014 21:10

I think you misunderstood me hissy. What I was trying to point out to OP is that there are only two choices. Put up with it or leave.

I was in an eight year marriage and was miserable for most of it. Became violent towards the end. I realised one day that was my choices. And instead of wallowing in my misery I left.

I don't think the OP will listen to the very good advice given from you and other posters. I think she will get there in the end hopefully sooner rather than later. But it's like trying to convince someone that thinks they are overweight that they actually aren't. Until they believe it themselves they won't accept it.

My DP and I will end. I am sure of that. I know once I am back on my feet I will come to the same decision that I made regarding my marriage. I'm just not ready to have the disruption it will bring when still in recovery from a breakdown. I think of it the way a woman may choose to stay whilst she gets some money behind her. I am choosing to wait until my mental health is strong enough to cope with the stress a break up will cause. Maybe that's not right in some peoples eyes but I know what I have just went through and I am in no rush to bring on a repeat. As I say when I know I am strong enough I will go.

I did not mean that the OP should suck it up and shut up. I meant that if she won't leave and no one can make her then at least try to make the best of a bad situation until she is ready or comes to realise what we already do.

Lweji · 22/07/2014 21:13

Walk
away
for
your
own
good.

You can remove yourself from the lease and find somewhere else to live.

TalisaMaegyr · 22/07/2014 21:26

She's not going to though, is she Sad

Lweji · 22/07/2014 21:37

Not yet. :(

And when she will it will be so much harder.

captainmummy · 22/07/2014 21:43

No, talisa, because she 'loves'him and will put up with any Crap. And doesn't he know it.

TalisaMaegyr · 22/07/2014 21:52

This thread has pissed me right off.

Smashed - you are worth so much more than this crap, honestly. He is spoilt, manipulative and I suspect he is gaslighting you. How long are you happy to be punished for?

I'd like to know why he thinks you've hurt him so badly Hmm The holiday thing is rubbish and I'm sorry you couldn't go, but big fucking deal. It's the other stuff that worries me, the manipulation of your emotions.

JustDontWantToSay · 22/07/2014 22:31

When I was in your position I wrote similar posts and certainly felt the same way! There is nothing anybody could have said that would made me leave him. I thought I adored him, I thought I had been selfish, thoughtless, idiotic and deserved to lose him - this wonderful man. I forgave him for throwing me out in the middle of the night when I had nowhere to go. I forgave him for calling me a disgusting cunt time and time again along with dozens of other names. I forgave him for choosing to lie to me when he felt like it. I thought I needed to accept him the way he was.
Needless to say I was ground down, left constantly unsure of where I stood, felt paranoid that I wasn't good enough, lost all self respect and self esteem, all family and friends told me to leave but I didn't. I couldn't.

Then eventually I began to change. I became tougher, less forgiving and less accepting. I knew I would piss him off by not being controlled by him any more but I took the risk. Eventually we split and it hurt. It was scary. It was a week ago and already I'm in a totally different place. I would never go back.

You won't leave him and it sounds as though he thrives on controlling you. I highly doubt he will leave you. I'd almost guarantee it. The holiday is almost irrelevant here. You didn't lie, you took a chance - that's almost ok. He's made you feel like you've lied. He's made you feel guilty and worthless. Do you feel special and valued? Probably not.

But you won't realise anything until you're ready to. And when you do split it will be a tremendous relief. Painful but an utter relief. You will stop trying to be his perfect woman and actually be yourself and realise how special you are. I suspect you maybe know this already. I had a relationship identical to yours and I knew. We were together 18m in the end and you know what? He will never be able to be truly happy - but I will. Good luck OP. Be brave xxx

TalisaMaegyr · 22/07/2014 22:55

Just Thanks

So happy for you.

theendoftheendoftheend · 23/07/2014 00:19

Oh dear God get out now, 7 years down the line I'm still not free of it and honestly, it doesn't get better you just get more bogged down by it. (Whatever you do, never have children with this man)

MsPavlichenko · 23/07/2014 00:46

You asked him, "am I getting to go with you?" Doesn't that tell you everything about the power dynamic in the relationship?

Original poster
Smashedup · 23/07/2014 12:49

The only reason I asked that was because he'd bought the tickets ages ago and I didn't know if he planned to go with someone else. It's just the same in the house, we talk and watch TV and laugh but he won't have any physical contact with me. I tried to kiss him this morning and he said he didn't know if he'd ever want to kiss me again.

Dead in the water.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 23/07/2014 13:21

Smashedup what do you think of people's responses on your thread? I get the sense that there's a mixture of disbelief, frustration and anger (on your behalf) at how you are allowing yourself to be treated.

Original poster
Smashedup · 23/07/2014 13:32

I feel that people make a lot of sense. But then I think of him and the things I've done, my anger and jealousy and I guess controlling behaviour. I do believe I'm at fault and he's put up with a lot from me and my behaviour. I shouldn't do a lot of the things I've done and probably deserve to be broken up with.

If it was for certain then I wish he'd just move out like he said he would. Being up in the air is awful

OP posts: