Anyone awake? Another break up thread...

[Smashedup]

Me and DP have had a rough few weeks. Basically I'm an idiot because I didn't tell the truth about being able to afford a holiday until the last minute and now he can't believe I lied for so long.

Yesterday things all came to a head, he broke up with me saying he didn't love me or want to be with me. Too much has happened between us and that he's just switched and doesn't care about me anymore. He actually was just going to leave me in pieces upset to go out last night but I begged him not to and he stayed in.

I've tried everything last night, crying, begging, pleading with him not to leave. Promising I will change, I shouldn't have lied, just for one more chance and for him not to move out. There isn't anything that works. He changed his Facebook picture to one not of us (childish to do it at this point I think) and said it made him feel better.

I do of course know the saying to let them go, I just have no idea what to do I'm scared if I just leave him he will never come back, I love him so bloody much. I'm well aware I can't force him to feel something but I just want him to see. He's said stuff like this before and then changed his mind once he calms down but I feel I've just pushed him away so much that I've lost him forever.

I've been awake most of the night upset, we've slept in the same bed and when I was crying he cuddled me and softened a bit. As soon as he realised he was he stopped himself. Totally know I sound like a right loser here as this is my doing but I'm in bits. Writing it down is making me feel a bit better

He actually sounds quite horrible.
Time to hold your head high and walk away.
Stop doing everything you possibly can to keep him.
That's a hiding to nothing.
Time to exit with a bit of dignity in tact!

And please look at the Freedom Progamme.
It may help you for future relationships.

He does sound liuke a total drama queen (you both do, actually, living on the highs )

Dump him. Call his bluff - he is making a big deal of this huge drama - you call him on it. Tell him he's dumped, and to get out by friday. Tell all his family and yours that he is dumped.

Honestly, there is better out there.

My best guess is that he wants you to beg him to reconsider.
I don't think you are properly dumped.

But I do think you should start to sort out your life and kick him out or find somewhere else to live and properly end it.

This is your chance to break free and not to lose yourself trying to please him.

Reading it all, I have a slightly different view on why you didn't tell him to start with that you might not be able to afford the holiday.

I didn't tell him about not being able to afford it because at the time I thought I could. Then everything got on top of me and instead of explaining I went into panic mode. Thinking I could sort it and couldn't in the end so had to be honest.

When it happened and I told him he cuddled me and told me he loved me no matter what about a holiday. Four hours later he started with all of this

Sounds like he is being influenced by others. Bit more maturity needed all round.

Did he speak to friends and family between the time of you telling him and commencing his tantrum?

Nope, we had spent the time with his parents looking at cars. They wouldn't have told him to break up with me, I know his sister wants us to stay together too

So it's all him then.

What are you planning to do now? Just keep hanging around waiting for him to throw you a bone?

FFS. Why are you sharing a house, let alone a bed, with a man who has dumped you?

No idea. I was tired and just went to bed. If he didn't want to be around me he could've slept on the sofa

If a man who wasn't my partner got in to bed with me, I'd tell him to get the fuck out.

So what are YOU going to do then? You sound worryingly passive tbh.

viv

Worryingly passive and lacking in any kind of dignity.

I'm not going to do anything. I've came in from work fully expecting him not to be here but he is, planning for Glasgow at the weekend. I asked if I was still going to get to go with him and was told 'dunno'. Which is his language for yes. Asked him if he wants to do something tonight. Met with 'like what?' Went through every outdoor option and said no, watch the TV 'well I'm doing this first'.

So now I'm leaving him to it, could've done with him being out to be honest as I need the laptop for work but we'll see what he says

If you are not going to do anything then why are you asking for advice on a public forum?

So sounds like he has had his little 'drama' and is now brushing it under the carpet. Or he has seen a future in which he doesn't have you to emotionally abuse.. and has decided to back off a bit.

Mention it again, and you will be gaslighted in no time.

But i get the feeling that you are going to be soooooo glad he is back that you will do the same - under the carpet. On eggshells from now on. Waiting for the next huge crisis !

(My dp would be out and finding a sofa to surf. The Games Tickets - can't you find a friend to go with?)

I doubt his friend doesn't dislike you on the back of one meeting, he probably doesn't like you because of what your dp says about you.

he is playing with you. clearly immature and enjoys the drama of watching you worry. He will stay and in a few months will concoct another argument threaten to leave, upset you and have you begging him to stay, he will and on it will go until you have lost all self esteem and dignity but hey he is too good to lose eh?

Ffs woman! Why are you a passenger in all this? If you come home and he's an ex partner then Wtf is he doing in your house?

The fact that he cuddled you then 4 hours later is haranguing you worries me. He manufactured that anger. He bided his time, then hit you when your guard was down.

Get him out of your life, he'll respect you far more for that than he will if you just let him walk all over you!

So he said that his friend says you're controlling him, and destroying him, right?

ALL emotionally abusive/controlling idiots accuse us of exactly what they do to us. It's probably number 6 on their script.

Tell him that you've been thinking, and you want some time to yourself, and that actually he needs to go somewhere else for a while. Perhaps for good.

Oh OP. You lied about the holiday. Except you didn't. You wanted to go. Thought you might not be able to afford it but chances your luck. Silly yes. Dumping offence no.

I am being a hypocrite here. I'm in a similar relationship where my DP and I have periods of happiness then suddenly it's all over. I have a day or two of thinking nope not doing this anymore then weaken and we are back together. It's not a fun cycle at all.

look up co dependant. That's you and me. Look up narcissist and see if he fits the bill. I suspect he might.

I don't know how to advise you OP as like I say I am on this whole roundabout of a relationship. Because I love him. And because I'm too cowardly to start all over again on my own. I had a terrible start to the year that left me on long term antidepressants and I just don't feel strong enough. I've just been forgiven for making a comment and for expressing an opinion.

Way I see it OP. If we are going to make our bed and lie in it then we don't get to moan about it. Either accept your volatile relationship until it crushes you or walk away. That's really the only choices.

Your bloke wants your world to revolve around him. He knows what buttons to press and where to keep you. You have self esteem issues. Like me. It's ridiculously easy for a man to knock you down then go overkill to have you thinking he's the best thing since sliced bread. It's all a part of being a narc.

If we are going to make our bed and lie in it then we don't get to moan about it

That line makes me feel ILL NacMac. Who taught you that? your 'D'P? your mother? your father? Sure as eggs are eggs you were not born knowing that, some insignificant little shit told you that.

I HATE that 'make your own bed' expression. It's utter bollocks.

By 'moaning' about it, bit by bit we grow stronger and realise that it's NOT right. As it took years to be so worn down, it takes years to get out.

On average women in dysfunctional/abusive relationships once they realise they are in one, take TWO YEARS to get out. It's easier if they are physically abused sometimes as the violence FORCES someone to step in and help

An outsider stepping in and saving the poor bugger in this quagmire of shite however is not as effective as the poor bugger themselves coming to terms, gradually, that there really IS no hope.

The way you present it NacMac is that it's utterly hopeless and not to even try.

Misery loves company, is it? why not look at the OP's situation and see that it is as unlikely to improve as yours (because it won't EVER improve, only worsen) and that you too are wasting your life with someone who makes you sad/ruined.

Your depression would improve if you got rid of a shit that will dump you as soon as look at you if it means he gets his own way. He won't dump you for real btw, it's far too much fun seeing what he can extract from you. You give him his drug of control and power.

Your depression would improve if you took back your own life and started kicking arses and taking names. He won't like it, but that's a good sign.

You love him? no you don't. you can't love him, you don't know what love is. If you did, you would love yourself first. You love the perfect person he had to pretend to be to hook you. it was a con, no more clever than a Nigerian Money Scheme.

so deep breath and do what you gotta do. END IT!

What's the worst that could happen? From here, the worst that would happen is that your relationship limps on for years.

Think about it, ENDING this relationship is the only way to inject hope into either of your lives, at the moment with this waste of oxygen sucking the very life out of you, the ONLY way is down.

And I speak as one who spent 10 YEARS in a relationship like this, who has been practically imprisoned in a flat 4 floors up, months inside, isolated and ignored, thousands of miles away from anyone who gave a shit, and 3 hours from the nearest airport home. I've survived suicide, and beaten depression. For good. By fighting the 'bed' others made for me, and by not giving up.

If I made my bed, I'd still be there. :(

If I made my bed I'd not be the happy, strong mother to a happy strong and nothing like his father DS.

I'm no super human, far from it, but if I can do it, so can you BOTH

As an update. I went home after work and he was there, as I said. We ended up going to the park for a couple of hours and talked a lot more, I was honest and said I had seen what his best friend had said about me and it's uncalled for, obviously that's the impression he's given off about me and not anything that's actually good. He was just annoyed I had read his phone really.

He's said he's not moving out, that we will try but he doesn't feel the same about me. Listed all the things he finds attractive about me and what he does like and I've told him I'm not a Stepford wife but I do expect commitment and wanting to spend time together not just a trophy to pick up and drop as he pleases. I apologised for the things I've done and to me I've actually figured out why I've changed since we first met. Going from being the centre of someone's world to nothing apart from sleeping in the same bed was hard to adjust to after moving in and I guess I did become jealous and a little controlling.

Anyway we'll see how it goes. Right now I'm not holding out too much hope as I can see me saying the wrong thing again. There's been no physical contact for days now, so maybe slow steps would be the best. We'll see.

He is not into you.

You have to end it. For your own dignity and self esteem.

Who moved in with who? What's the legal situation here?