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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Anyone awake? Another break up thread...

116 replies

Smashedup · 20/07/2014 06:28

Me and DP have had a rough few weeks. Basically I'm an idiot because I didn't tell the truth about being able to afford a holiday until the last minute and now he can't believe I lied for so long.

Yesterday things all came to a head, he broke up with me saying he didn't love me or want to be with me. Too much has happened between us and that he's just switched and doesn't care about me anymore. He actually was just going to leave me in pieces upset to go out last night but I begged him not to and he stayed in.

I've tried everything last night, crying, begging, pleading with him not to leave. Promising I will change, I shouldn't have lied, just for one more chance and for him not to move out. There isn't anything that works. He changed his Facebook picture to one not of us (childish to do it at this point I think) and said it made him feel better.

I do of course know the saying to let them go, I just have no idea what to do I'm scared if I just leave him he will never come back, I love him so bloody much. I'm well aware I can't force him to feel something but I just want him to see. He's said stuff like this before and then changed his mind once he calms down but I feel I've just pushed him away so much that I've lost him forever.

I've been awake most of the night upset, we've slept in the same bed and when I was crying he cuddled me and softened a bit. As soon as he realised he was he stopped himself. Totally know I sound like a right loser here as this is my doing but I'm in bits. Writing it down is making me feel a bit better

OP posts:
Vivacia · 20/07/2014 10:21

I am really surprised that you are as old as that.

gamerchick · 20/07/2014 10:33

It's a weird thing to break up over and you're beating yourself up far to much. If I was a bit silly about stuff like that I know my husband would have been far more concerned about the weeks of worrying I had been doing than the holiday.

How come he didn't know you couldn't afford it? Are you solely responsible for money in your household? Hmm

Pull on your big girl knickers and tell him to leave while he makes his mind up (or more preferable take charge and tell him to leave).

Unless lying is a common thing in your household I really don't see what you've done as being so terrible. It's annoying and disappointing but not worthy of all this upset.

cafesociety · 20/07/2014 10:54

Honesty is vital in a relationship. You have not been honest, and also kept up the dishonesty for a long time. No wonder he is bothered and realising you aren't the person he thought you were. I would be furious.

His constant mind changing is also worrying and seems like he has a lot of doubts about the relationship and is looking for a chance to get out.

Try and keep your dignity and let him be, and I agree with PP to tell him to leave [take back some control] until he can make up his mind about you. He's playing with your emotions far too much.

EveMarieSaint · 20/07/2014 13:27

No wonder he is bothered and realising you aren't the person he thought you were.

Oh do come on now. Is there really any need?

OP, this holiday thing just sounds like a red herring. Yes, it would be annoying but breaking up over it? Is he prone to storming off?

Smashedup · 20/07/2014 14:53

There is more of a backstory to this, I'm not going to pretend and say it's all his fault because it's not. I've just realised what I've lost after yesterday and coming to terms with it is horrible.

He's the most sweet, kind, funny, beautiful person I've ever met and I destroyed it with being stupid and silly things I've done, not meaning to yet it all comes out wrong to me and then I appear to be controlling/possessive/jealous. Those are all words which have been thrown about before and I know I'm not perfect and I do try my very best to keep things under control.

One instance was the day we moved in together, we went and signed for the place and were insanely happy. Then my sister called and asked me to go with her to pick up her wedding rings, me at the time just agreed thinking nothing of it. I thought we were moving our things in over the next couple of weeks. It turns out him and his Dad had done it all that day and I was then told I ruined our moving in day, I was back at the house by 3pm. This is one thing that always gets brought up.

Another is, I had a small housewarming for my friends, there was about eight of us. It would've been a larger one but DP was going out with his friends for a birthday meal. He stayed in a while with us first laughing and messing about and promised me he'd be home to see everyone before they left. He didn't, he text and said he'd gone to the pub. Me after a few drinks and slightly tipsy told him to go and stay at his parents and this resulted in not speaking for days.

The main point of contention is family. He has a big family, I'm quite introverted and my family is very small. I've spent an awful lot of time with his parents and sister and don't mind being around them, not for full days but a few hours here and there are fine. But he thinks I should be there every single weekend with him like a trophy, even with his larger circle of family who I don't know and feel awkward around. They don't try and talk to me, I try and have slight conversation but to be honest I'm not good at it. No other family member brings their girlfriend or boyfriend round every week, his sister's boyfriend is lucky to see any extended family!

To be honest I'm kind of used to this, it's when his eyes glaze over and he says he doesn't know what he wants and that I'm not the person he thought he was going out with. It's happened a lot of times before, just never this seriously has he said it. And I'm fully accepting blame, if I hadn't have gone to get the rings, if I'd have just said enjoy yourself at the pub and went to see his parents each week things would be perfect, I regret not doing all of them.

Right now he's with his sister because she's got a kidney infection and he's off to sort the antibiotics, I asked him if I should pick him up or visit (own car out of order) and no reply. He's took my phone charger though the bloody idiot! Soon replies to a text when I ask where that is.

Sorry for the long post, a lot of background there.

OP posts:
60sname · 20/07/2014 15:06

Look, it's not supposed to be this hard and angsty. With the right partner you won't end up second guessing yourself all the time.

Though to be honest it does seem like you could do a little work on your communication skills!

gamerchick · 20/07/2014 15:08

It really doesn't sound as if you're compatible and have massive communication problems. I can't see a large enough crime in what you've said to mess with your head the way he is.

It sounds as if you both have a smite more growing up to do though.

NickiFury · 20/07/2014 16:27

Honestly? I think you sound like a pair of drama queens and far too immature to be living together.

That said, I certainly wouldn't be visiting the in laws every weekend. As for the going out choosing wedding rings of moving day? This is NOT a big deal, it really isn't and I would be mightily fed up with listening to him whining on about it however many months later.

I think he isn't going to dump you actually, I think the two will stay together being thoroughly toxic together for a good few years yet. Something to look forward to Hmm

Smashedup · 20/07/2014 16:31

Well he's already dumped me. Saying that, his internet says he's spent all morning looking at holidays to Rome (where we were going to go) so unless he's planning on going with someone else maybe he is in the throw of reconsideration. Who knows with him.

I don't think we are toxic I think we have a massive communication issue, one we can't seem to ever come to an agreement on as one of us ends up agressive.

OP posts:
NickiFury · 20/07/2014 16:35

Aggression IS toxic in relationships.

Vivacia · 20/07/2014 16:39

Look, it's not supposed to be this hard and angsty

This is what I was thinking.

Deftones · 20/07/2014 16:44

All sounds very fraught! I wouldn't recommend the emotional roller coaster that is your relationship, you both must be exhausted by each other.

Try your hardest to let go, heal and get to know yourself better. Relationships shouldn't be this hard!

Hissy · 20/07/2014 17:26

Love, Rome isn't Long Haul love, and to be honest neither is your relationship.

If this guy dumps you over a holiday, then let him stay dumped!

Your relationship attitude is about the unhealthiest it can be. Where's your self esteem?

Who taught you that you're worth this little.

You're idolising a bloke. A regular ordinary and tbh imperfect bloke. You think you're lucky he chose you, when anyone is lucky to have someone prepared to love them like you do.

He's angry, sure, but to be this nasty about it, nah... jog on sunshine!

Roseflowers · 20/07/2014 18:55

OP what on earth are you thinking? You've been made to feel like you 'ruined your moving in day' because you spent a few hours that day off with your sister? Honestly!? I'm sorry but that, and the 'you must spend every weekend with my family or else you aren't doing enough' attitude are saying to me that your much vaunted boyfriend is a colossal precious little princess who needs to be the centre of attention all the time. And all this hand wringing you're doing bout being terrible and not deserving of him sounds (to me at least) as though you've been programmed into this state of mind by him, or by some sort of past relationship experience. I think you need to address this feeling that you have that you're a terrible person who doesn't deserve him. Ok, the incident when he went to the pub was an example of out being out of order. However, you need to stop thinking that you need to be the perfect stepford girlfriend. Christ, I've had partners tell me I was the perfect girlfriend and that I'd never one anything wrong, whilst dumping me! We are all human, we all make mistakes and life sometimes gets in the way of those 'perfect' moments or days (like your moving in day). So please stop thinking you're defective or terrible.

pippitysqueakity · 20/07/2014 19:25

Oh, OP, I could have written your op many times over, 'if I just hadn't done x,y,z, everything would be perfect now'. Well, no it wouldn't, because instead you would have done a,b,c. You are in the position of not being able to do right for doing wrong. It is a shit place to be, and long term you will be better off out of it.
But oh my god, it hurts like hell while you are in it.
You will come out of this stronger, and less ready to mould your life around someone elses whims.
This is awful just now though, and I really hope you have some RL support to get you through it.
Thanks

Lweji · 20/07/2014 22:33

I couldn't respond earlier, but your update has turned all my twat detectors on.

I think you should leave him at this point. You really don't want to be with this man.

PatriciaHolm · 20/07/2014 23:18

Relationships just shouldn't be this hard, OP. It's not working, that's clear, for either of you. It happens, faults on both sides, no need for life to be so dramatic. Move on.

Smashedup · 21/07/2014 12:25

It just gets more confusing. I feel like writing this online diary of events helps to be honest. So apologies if anyone thinks I'm whining or too much information it really is just making me see some sense of it all.

Firstly, the original holiday wasn't to Rome, that was our new one. The original was to Vegas.

So last night he comes in and off we walk to play badminton together. We laughed a little in the group we were in and at the end walked home and talked most of the way. Bumped into a cousin and I made my best effort to be friendly and ask questions! We get in and I suggest we watch some TV together on the laptop and he agrees. Sits on the same sofa for the first time in days, voice is softening. Have a glass of wine and then watch more TV. Then I went to bed, felt him come in and lay right next to me (usually when annoyed he would be right at the other end). This morning I left him to sleep and a note on the door saying to have a good day, text to ask if we'd still be going to the commonwealth games on Saturday and nothing! I mean if he doesn't want me there just say so and I can cancel my holidays from work, it feels like games!!

Why not just say yes or no? I know I've done a bad thing about the holiday, I told him we could book now to go to Rome and he just stays silent. Never talks about a break up now and I feel totally confused!

Sorry again for the whining!

OP posts:
angryangryyoungwoman · 21/07/2014 12:46

Take control.
Forget Rome and Vegas.
Ask him to leave. Or leave yourself, if better, I don't know your circumstances.
Or stay in a couple dependant relationship that is making neither of you happy.

Don't forget that it's your life, you make the decisions, not someone else.

Sounds cliché, but you only get one life!

Is this the one you want?

angryangryyoungwoman · 21/07/2014 12:48

co dependant, not couple

Hissy · 21/07/2014 12:57

dump him.

today. sod the holiday, he is not worth it and never will be.

Jan45 · 21/07/2014 13:01

Talk about dysfunctional, seriously OP, he's keeping you dangling like a piece of string, you didn't commit murder, you fucked up, we all do, being in a committed relationship involves forgiveness, sounds like he really couldn't give a toss, you really need to stop beating yourself up, open your eyes and see things for what they are, a relationship that clearly will not stand the test of time.

Smashedup · 21/07/2014 13:02

I'm already dumped. I've done loads these past couple of days to try and prove that I'm not a bad girlfriend. Don't think...yes. Naive...yes. But not a bad girlfriend.

I don't want to break up with him hence my effort, and yesterday I felt like there was actual hope. But who knows if he's just pretending trying to stop me being upset or whatever again. I stupidly read his texts last night and saw his friend who dislikes me saying I'm controlling and destroying him. Lovely from a person who has met me once.

OP posts:
Jan45 · 21/07/2014 13:07

Him and his friend sound like a pair of tossers, best thing you can do is hold your head up high and show him you can function without his approval of anything!

NickiFury · 21/07/2014 13:18

You're not a bad girlfriend.

You don't have communication issues.

There's a certain kind of person who actually does not want to communicate with you properly. They wilfully misunderstand you and no matter how much you try and explain yourself you just can't seem to get through. Do you feel like that with him?

These kinds of people don't tend to actually like the person they are in a relationship with and so feel quite hostile to them (though if you ask them straight out they will claim to "love" them). Setting them up to fail and purposely misunderstanding them is just so that they can confirm those feelings and gives them an excuse to keep treating the person they are in the relationship with like crap.

I would be annoyed about the holiday I admit but it would be sadness and disappointment rather than anything else.

From everything you post your BF sounds highly toxic and pretty controlling.

You should tell him to get out and take his miserable face and attitude with him. You're not going to though I can tell by how you post, you are totally enmeshed in this and desperate to hang onto him. He knows this and will continue to treat you badly.