DRY 5

[allhailqueenmab]

Starting this before the old one gets filled up!
this is the thread for the alcohol free.
Join us!

I meet quite afew in AA that do seem to live for AA, all their social events done with aa people, but like just said thats up to them, they're happy thats all that really matters. My sponsor told me early on dont live FOR AA live WITH it.
As for relapses I had 2 just over a year ago, very close together, went straight back to aa as I knew I couldn't control this alcoholic madness alone. No judging, no lovey pat on the back, just a start again, dust yourself down and get on with it. I was told stop feeling sorry for yourself, if you want it get it, and I did.
I have met many that have had relapses, after days, weeks, months, years, my heart breaks each and every time for them, but its another reminder how close I am to a drink . If i don't keep my defences that could be me tomorrow.
I have met those that do get molly coddled by family and aa friends, and some conveniently forget their relapse because of this, even if its just one night of drinking its a relapse. I think if its forgotten its a little bit easier to do it again even if its in a while. All my opinion obviously, but I never ever want to forget my last drink as horrible as the memory, or lack of it, is.

I've really enjoyed all the posts & constructive discussion below on AA. I guess as has been said, it's an organisation and as such, it's made up of people. We are all flawed and I guess the aim is to find some kind of support where the good in people outweighs the bad. I imagine that it might be possible for certain meetings/groups to become dominated by certain negative personality types, and that becomes self-perpetuating.

Whatever the format, there's something within us that needs fellowship and community when we are doing something hard. This thread is a great example.

Sorry. I didn't mean to come across the way I think I probably did :(

Yes,you are right about relapse. People were very kind when I went back but I know that if it happens again,and I bloody hope it doesn't, then I'll be up for some well deserved tough love

It's an appalling disease which gets progressively worse,I can understand now that forgetting or minimising a lapse just suggests that it's ok to drink again another time.

So looking in a disgusted way at someone sobbing heir heart out and tutting and ignoring her at coffee time is ok?! I was horrified, but new so had no idea what to do! I just wanted to talk to her but it seemed like she was now an outcast.

I really don't want to get into an AA/Non AA situation but surely this isn't the way to do 'tough love'?

personally I've loved all the posts about AA, all great, constructed comments.
At the end of the day, we are all of us fighting this killer disease and it seems one day at a time we are getting there. I have so much respect and heart felt empathy with those on their 1st early days coping with their new found scary sobriety. I know that it doesn't take long before the good stuff starts to happen.Hang in there, I promise its gets better and better.
With my year coming up, been thinking alot of this, I remember in the early days being scared to death of people finding out I was an alcoholic, almost going to meetings in balaclava and dark glassess
but now I don't think it would bother me at all . I'm bloody proud at the woman I have become.let them judge me, I am beating this illness 1 day at a time. I am now a good mum, partner, good to others, non judgemental, help others with their alcoholic battle, and above all else I like myself. one drink will take all that from me

Anyway off my soapbox, off to my last meeting this week, my favourite one, all we seem to do is laugh and I think some one has found us a virgin for us to tie up and dance around let the good times roll

joking

Hmm..no that's not right either! Crying at aa is fine- people need to let it out and generally the others try not to interrupt,hugs and tissues are offered. I've been ignored at coffee time which isn't nice but i can see that some people have been friends for years and years and want to catch up- I don't really know,I don't behave like that.

There was a new woman at my meeting the other day and she was very welcome, one of the other women spent lots of time with her.

Did people help her at all? Any useful words of advice? was it her first lapse or had she had lots and lots?

Maybe they were just gits? Doesn't take much to offer a bit of sympathy really whatever the circumstances.

stayingdry x post. When I went to my first meeting I slunk in,making sure no one was looking. (Ego? Me? ) Then a very posh,nicely dressed lady walked into the same building,I decided to pretend that I was going to another group in the same building- Over 80's singles,or somesuch.
Of course she walked into the aa meet and I followed her in feeling a bit dazed that normal,naice people would go there.

Twat

They were gits

From what I could gather it was her first lapse, she was well known as they all greeted her at the beginning - she was v posh and v kind of bohemian, and seriously not one woman spoke to her. It was a womens group :(

However, away from the tangent I am also extremely proud of whom am I now and don't care who knows I'm sober, what they think or what they do!

I'm pondering whether I should go back to that meeting to see if they are still there..I didn't hate every minute of the meetings by any means, in fact a lot of it was sooo useful, but being told i should come of my anti d's, ignore my family pretty much and then witnessing that, was fairly off putting! It was a group of about 4 of them and they really were very pushy.

It doesn't sound like aa at it's finest!

The meetings are always there if you did decide to go back but just avoid pushy people.

I've enjoyed the sober discussion today though.

I'm sorry - DH heading through to living room, I posted on the other thread but gotta close my browser - can't imagine his reaction if he saw me on a sobriety thread. He might be forced to face the reality that he's married to a drunkard :-(

I have not had a drink. I am extraordinarily grateful to everyone here. I'm hoping to have more time to read/post tomorrow.

Hope everyone is feeling good and staying dry.

haha it's really good that you haven't had a drink- ODATT. You don't have to discuss sobriety with anyone until you are ready and want to,that includes dh. Keep posting and keep reading.

Hi All x Gosh, all this talk of mean groups has got me a bit worried. I am moving 300km away in a month and will have to join a new group. My current group is composed of builders, lorry drivers etc - all men, obvs i would prefer some women there but its the only english speaking group in the area (its still mostly Germans but they speak English in the group). It suits me because its very plain spoken and theres lots of jokes. Its very supportive and uncritical. I've now realised I might have to 'shop around' for a new group but at least where I'm going there will be loads more groups. Hmmmm... Think I just got lucky with my group. If its one thing I hate, its drama and people who love drama.

Anyway, we'll see when we get there.

Glad everyone's still dry, well done new people - its a brave decision but very rewarding. WRT the controlled drinking issue - I dont think its for me as I can't be arsed to control my drinking! I love getting pissed! I have to be honest :) much easier for me to just not drink and have nice skin and be able to eat what I want because I dont have to adjust for the empty calories. But thats just my opinion and experience, lots of people would disagree. Have a happy Friday everyone x

Hi all
Welcome haha and well done.

day 21.

Just wanted to note a few things from yesterday, not drinking

• feeling very edgy at first, interpreting that as really wanting to have a drink, interrogating the feeling and realising that it had to do with things that were going on and booze just being a one-size-fits-all habit response to feelings, not a solution

• watching the desire for a drink come and go, noticing it always goes away, sometimes much sooner than you think

• realising I was forced to feel things in real time, and sometimes feeling odd and rabbit-in-the-headlights with it

• noticing the need to do something, and what was available to do: wandering around chatting, taking photographs, helping out with a bit of housekeepingy type stuff. feeling very fidgety and mobile, rather than sedated and still contained in the booze bubble; realising that this can be superficially less comfortable but also exposes you to more social and thoughtful opportunity

• feeling exposed as if I am more visible when not half cut, rationalising that as that I am not more visible, just when I am drunk everyone can see me just the same but I am actually more likely to be an arse

• noticing that some people didn't drink, some people drank a little bit, and some people drank a lot, got very invested in it, and from the first sip really did not want to stop drinking at all for more than a minute at a time (why do you think I noticed those people?)

• realising when I left how calm I felt. Realising that I had actually processed my feelings and felt them when I felt them; that I was free to carry on with no baggage, I put up my photos on facebook and considered the event done; I went to my favourite book shop because I had a voucher and bought myself a book and some tea and cake; realising I felt very free and young

Oh one final thing that I noticed which is odd (I noticed this a week ago when MIL came to Sunday lunch too): if I have firmly decided not to drink, I actually like having wine around and other people drinking it. I like the look of the bottles standing about and the glasses with stems. I like the festive feel and the pretty labels. It makes me feel as if I am not missing out. I think this may lead to trouble eventually if I get complacent

That's a great explanation vezzie. You do feel more exposed and there's no hiding

presses send too soon! exposed until you can kind of work out how to act without drink in public.

I feel I've opened a horrible can of worms with my aa stuff I just wanted to talk about what happened - if I am to be honest it really has put me off aa but I see from here that many people do get a lot from it and it obviously is a good thing. I am really angry that people like the ones I came across get away with their appalling behaviour and are never challenges. Going to aa takes a huge amount of courage and you're so vulnerable. I guess they are bullies elsewhere

I was so sad to see pictures of Paul Gascoigne in a dreadful state this morning too. I think he will die soon. It makes me wonder how some people conquer it ( or at least manage it) and others just can't. I guess being in the public eye is a curse when you have such a terrible illness.

on that light note (sorry!) happy Friday and love to you all xxx

My God, Biggies, no wonder you have such a strong reaction to AA. Sounds appalling. Cruelty is just NOT OK in any arena. Full stop. I suppose there is no way of stopping a group of smug nutters 'taking over' a meeting or area, but such a shame and so NOT what it should be about. I am in a big city so have the luxury of loads of meetings and most of the ones I go to have plenty of people who have relapsed. To be honest, I think many of the most useful chairs are from people who have had that experience as it reminds me that I can't get complacent. And I would say most of the people in my home group are on anti-depressants (me included). In fact, when I tried to come off them I got a bit of a ticking off from my sponsor who said I was being silly given that it has always gone pear-shaped whenever I have tried to ditch them.

I still loathe the religious angle and have to work hard at finding meetings that don't push that, but seem to have found a way of taking the bits that work for me (most of it) and letting the rest (higher power stuff) slightly go over me.

Mistress, I do hope it goes well for you with moderation. I have always really enjoyed reading your posts, but can't deny it does feel slightly triggering for me. I think I have given myself enough evidence that I can't do moderation, but the idea that you might have cracked it is dangerous as it makes me think/hope that the same option might be open to me too. Totally agree you should say what's going on for you, but just wanted to be honest about how it makes me feel (wobbly)! May have 2.5 yrs under my belt, but it is still a day at a time and need to hold on v. tight to my sobriety.

Welcome Haha and Vezzie. Everyone is welcome! And agree - keep yourself busy to start with. And/or go to bed really, really early xx

biggles honestly,I think it was a good,good thing to bring up on this thread. I hate the woo like mystery which surrounds aa,I don't think it benefits anyone. Also much as I love the aims I would never say that it's all wonderful,I've met some pita types who put me right off going.

The more open discussion we can have then it just shows that aa is just a group of people getting sober,not a religious cult. It contains the good,bad and ugly same as the church,WI, any kind of organisation you can think of.

Hope you feel ok,i enjoyed the discussion. Hope we'll be free to discuss any aspect of getting sober here

Hey Biggles, I'm affected by what you said BUT I think you are right to bring it up. I'm the daft one for not really considering that not all AAers are kind people. I have read further on 'when AA goes bad' and realised that this is a common problem with some rather unpleasant or unstable people causing big problems for groups and individuals. At least I'm aware of the issues now.

Hey Biggles, I'm affected by what you said BUT I think you are right to bring it up. I'm the daft one for not really considering that not all AAers are kind people. I have read further on 'when AA goes bad' and realised that this is a common problem with some rather unpleasant or unstable people causing big problems for groups and individuals. At least I'm aware of the issues now.

Hey Biggles, I'm affected by what you said BUT I think you are right to bring it up. I'm the daft one for not really considering that not all AAers are kind people. I have read further on 'when AA goes bad' and realised that this is a common problem with some rather unpleasant or unstable people causing big problems for groups and individuals. At least I'm aware of the issues now.