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Original poster

I appear to have offended my mom, and I don't think I've done anything unacceptable.

126 replies

ChaosTrulyReigns · 19/07/2014 15:02

I'm quite a private person with regards to personal life, alwats felt uncomfortable talking about achievement (could be regarded as boasting) or events/happenings. Mom, however has no filter on what us appropriate to share with people

FFor example, I lost a family member in quite unsettling circumstances last month, told only my closest friend. No one else. 4 school moms (not really friends) came up to me in the playground a few days after his death and offered condolences. It appears that she stood there in the playground on her day to collect the DC and told a group of people. Now, I'm not one to judge on how people grieve, but it upset me greatly, that people who I chat about the weather with at most, know this business because she just won't stop blurting to everyone. Sad

This morning it's come to a head as it's report season. She want a photocopy of all their reports and cerficates. I know this means she'll be flashing them around at all the various groups she participates in. I'm uncomfortable with thus as DH and I tell no one, apart from in the vaguest terms "yup, they're doing fine, and enjoying school" if asked directly. She's had a massive huff as I've kindly decline to photocopy the stuff and taken away her boasting evidence. I've been made to feel the bad guyion this. And I don't really think I should be made to feel that I am in the wrong.

Does anyone have advice on how to deal with this? I have a feeling that my reticence h arisen from the many moments in the past where her insensitive splurging of info has made me (and others) uncomfortable.

Sorry for the essay.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 19/07/2014 17:47

I'm guessing it's one with lots of holes

MNHQ
IonaMumsnet · 19/07/2014 17:50

That's the one, Bitoutofpractice.
Just a friendly reminder, LassLancashire. No drama here yet. It genuinely looked as if people were mistakenly answering an AIBU so we wanted to clarify.

SanityClause · 19/07/2014 17:52

I know what you mean about mothers and lack of privacy. I had to tell my mother she mustn't post on my DD1's friends' Facebook walls, if DD is tagged on a picture. You know, not on DD1's own wall, but her friends' walls. (DD1 asked me to tell her this; I didn't just interfere in their relationship.)

She obviously couldn't understand why it would even be an issue (or she wouldn't have done it in the first place).

The trouble is, it's an issue for you, but not for your mother, which is why she just thinks you're being unkind. (To be clear, it would be an issue for me, too, if I knew my mother or MIL would have access to my DC's friends' parents to boast or otherwise about their reports.)

It's hard, but you need to stick to your guns, I think. I'm sure it will blow over, in time. (That's just saying "This too will pass" - sorry!)

nooka · 19/07/2014 18:34

I think that all you can do is to say no every time she asks for the reports. If you want to meet her half way you could maybe send her a pic of your children holding a more important (to them) certificate?

On the more general front I think you probably need to recognise that it is as much your issue to want to be very private as it is for your mum to be very public (and I am sure that the two are related!). That her behaviour really grates on you does not necessarily mean it is inappropriate, she may well feel that your behaviour is odd and think she should compensate or at the least not adjust.

In the end you can only change the way you react to her.

Pagwatch · 19/07/2014 18:38

Mnhq arriving on a thread isn't a big deal is it?
I quite like the occasional

NewtRipley · 19/07/2014 18:40

This sounds familiar. I wonder if, the more she pushes, the more bolshy you feel (I am not not judging), and the more twittery and pushy she gets because she feels criticised?

Was she intrusive when you were a child? Does this take you back there?

I agree she sounds OTT, but that it probably comes from a good place, but that you don't have to give in. I agree, make a joke and deal with it if she gets huffy

NewtRipley · 19/07/2014 18:40

Yy nooka

Pagwatch · 19/07/2014 18:41

"In the end you can only change the way you react"

That's so true nooka.

Realising that helped my relationship with my mum enormously.

Maryz · 19/07/2014 18:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NewtRipley · 19/07/2014 18:43

So MNHQ is, figuratively speaking, Mummy ....

Pagwatch · 19/07/2014 18:52

Hmm . Not sure.

I think I want them to sing 'raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens'

So, a bunch of singing ex-nuns.

HoneyDragon · 19/07/2014 18:55
Maryz · 19/07/2014 18:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NewtRipley · 19/07/2014 18:58

Hmm

I wonder if mum gets all PA, and that pushes Chaos' buttons and makes her resentful. The person I am thinking of does this.

I will leave my beard alone.

NewtRipley · 19/07/2014 19:07

My mum used to wear a perufme that mad me feel really sick. I honestly don't know if I could have broached that with her. Thank goodness she stopped wearing it. It is embarrassing really how unassertive I can be with her.

holeinmyheart · 19/07/2014 19:08

Ok I was mean about Chaos. I wasn't so much mean to my Mum but careless of her. I think people can be careless towards your Mum because she is your Mum, and usually if she is a caring one, she will always be there for you whatever you do( almost) I was careless ( not mean) of her because of my youth and inexperience, etc. The usual state of play is to love your children more than they love you. It is the way of the world. Chaos is a private person who worries about her personal information being broadcast. Her DM sounds a totally different character. I don't think personally that most people are interested in others, not because they are selfish but because the most important people to them, are them. Chaos is capable of telling her DM what's what already, so I wasn't sure what she wanted from posting on MNet. She holds all the cards, as do my DC. She may not realise it , but she does. She could try and worry less about what people think of her when they get hold of private information. If it is any comfort to her I don't think they think much. She could become more secretive and cagey with her mum, but she seems to be that already. If she can't change her DM then the only person left is herself. The Buddist saying' you die if you worry and you die if you don't worry' I think is an excellent saying to remember, when you get worked up to a pitch about something. It applies to me, as I wasn't in the least bit concerned about the vitriol and insults poured on my head by my post. ( I laughed) That's what I thought and thats what Chaos got.

RandallFloyd · 19/07/2014 19:10

Wow, that's like totes zen, dude.

Pagwatch · 19/07/2014 19:11

Oh good.
So you upset someone but it's not bad because you laughed when people pointed out that you were being unnecessarily rude.

Great.
Yay Buddhism. I'm sure you are what they were aiming for.

Catmint · 19/07/2014 19:18

Dealing with someone who has different boundaries is never easy and it makes it trickier if it's your mum.

I've been thinking about any advice to offer but I don't really have any apart from keep channels open and negotiate constantly. Sounds like hard work; sorry.

BeerTricksPotter · 19/07/2014 19:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RandallFloyd · 19/07/2014 19:28

(Can I add dismissive, Beatty?)

Original poster
ChaosTrulyReigns · 19/07/2014 19:29

Gosh. This went well.

Thanks fir the offer of Pimm's, darkling, I'll reciprocate with some chocolate concrete that I've been baking with my wondrous Hmm DC. Smile

There's a lot of good words on here, and some words to consider. Just to reassure you, I'm not careless with my mom, I'm gentle, kid gloveish really. I internalised a lot if the irk, and then something happens and I need to vent. Today yiu lot were my outlet, thanks fir being here.

It probably wouldn't surprise you to hear I'm am only child, and she was Very Invested in my life. Actually still is. I don't want to repeat that in my adulthood, so me having 4 DC was deliberate, to ensure that the intensity was diluted and I'm quite a relaxed mom as I try to not be all intense with mine. It helps that I'm a lazy toad as well.

A lot of her friends have DC that mingle with mine and I think that makes the boastery quire awkward.

Thanks again.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 19/07/2014 19:50

It went beautifully chaos! Without a hitch!

I have one really good friend from the school and we have a pact that we can boast to each other about our kids' achievements without recrimination. Other than that I keep it all in amongst friends.

sykadelic · 19/07/2014 19:58

OP - To answer your question "Does anyone have advice on how to deal with this?" (seems several posts missed that question).

Boasting about kids happens (doesn't mean it's okay or that you have to be okay with it). Especially among grandparents who, and this isn't a slight, have empty nests and no-one to focus their constant energy on. They want people to know that they did right with YOU because your kids are doing so wonderfully. Most parents main concern is their children grow up well. Your children are proof of that.

The problem with bragging is it can be taken multiple ways. I find there are a few main thoughts by people who hear bragging:

  1. You're overcompensating for a failing: Hearing "Little Johnnie is a GREAT sportsman" implies "but dumb as a bunch of rocks" and vice versa (good at school, sucky at everything else)
  2. You're hiding the failing with generic statements: NOT hearing bragging in response to your bragging = they're doing crap at school/work/sport
  3. You're hiding your kids achievements because you think your kids are better than theirs
  4. They feel bad about their own child's achievements/lack thereof
  5. They are happy for you.

You seem to be concerned that #4 would be the only response (which some people could take as you actually meaning #3) and so you want to save feelings and embarrassment. Your mother seems to want to avoid #2 and thinks she's a #5.

I think you need to actually sit down with your mother and risk an upset because you're already there and this may help you get on the same page, if not closer to it

I would tell her you're not showing her the reports anymore. By giving it to her you're just feeding her idea that she deserves to know. I would tell her of any special achievements (winning a spelling bee, sports awards, etc etc) and of course give her pictures. I would stop the pick-ups as well. She's only doing the pick-ups because she wants to get in with the school mums and keep tabs on your kids. She wants to share in the parental joy, she needs to back off and share in the grandmother joy instead.

I would explain to her that you need to spend the next several years with some of these mums and as your peers you don't wish to alienate them or feel uncomfortable around them. I would give her the example of the bragging she did in front of someone who hadn't had that achievement and how you would feel if the same had happened to you.

They are her grandchildren, great, but they're your children. She raised you how she saw fit, now it's up to you to raise yours as you see fit.

GoodtoBetter · 19/07/2014 20:29

She sounds very difficult and over bearing and smothering (speaking from experience here). Photocopying reports isn't being a proud gran, it's batshit weird.