I appear to have offended my mom, and I don't think I've done anything unacceptable.

[ChaosTrulyReigns]

I'm quite a private person with regards to personal life, alwats felt uncomfortable talking about achievement (could be regarded as boasting) or events/happenings. Mom, however has no filter on what us appropriate to share with people

FFor example, I lost a family member in quite unsettling circumstances last month, told only my closest friend. No one else. 4 school moms (not really friends) came up to me in the playground a few days after his death and offered condolences. It appears that she stood there in the playground on her day to collect the DC and told a group of people. Now, I'm not one to judge on how people grieve, but it upset me greatly, that people who I chat about the weather with at most, know this business because she just won't stop blurting to everyone.

This morning it's come to a head as it's report season. She want a photocopy of all their reports and cerficates. I know this means she'll be flashing them around at all the various groups she participates in. I'm uncomfortable with thus as DH and I tell no one, apart from in the vaguest terms "yup, they're doing fine, and enjoying school" if asked directly. She's had a massive huff as I've kindly decline to photocopy the stuff and taken away her boasting evidence. I've been made to feel the bad guyion this. And I don't really think I should be made to feel that I am in the wrong.

Does anyone have advice on how to deal with this? I have a feeling that my reticence h arisen from the many moments in the past where her insensitive splurging of info has made me (and others) uncomfortable.

Sorry for the essay.

It is very very hard Chaos to keep quiet about GC as in common with a lot of other Grannies I actually have the best and most wonderful GC in the world.! Yea, Seriously post, a relationship is give and take. I bet your Mum has given you a lot of help and will always be there for you. Don't you feel a bit disloyal posting this stuff about her on MN ? Why can't you allow her to be proud and bore the pants off everyone regarding her GC. You do sound a bit like the thought Police and very intolerant and mean. You will be sorry that you were nasty to her when she has gone. I was... No more Mum to complain to, or complain about. Life is too short. Haven't you get anything more major to moan about ? Something really meaty like she has told someone what size bra you wear. Be tolerant towards your Mum, she sounds nice and ordinary, maybe a bit bonkers regarding the photocopies, but she will not be around for long. What you have related is nothing major and I think it is you that comes over as a bit neurotic about your secrecy. No one actually will give a Shit. People are basically only interested in them selves and their own. Next week the 4 at the school gate will not even remember what your Mum said. Even if you appeared naked at the gates, that would be forgotten in a couple of weeks. Stop worrying and get a life.

Nice post Hole
Now go and jump down one.

And why won't her Mum be around for long?

My Aunt has school reports of her Gt Grandson, I had the very tiresome pleasure of being given them to read, I have met the child once, nice enough kid and brilliant at everything by all accounts.

Bloody hell hole what a nasty , spiteful post!

So holeinmyheart you were nasty to your mum and then she died and you felt bad about it. And yet here you are, being nasty again. Learn your own lesson before you preach to others.

Your mum sounds like my ex mil, Chaos. She went one step further and went into ds's school (unannounced) and asked the head for copies of ds's school reports though The head told her to ask me and I promptly told her off. Sounds like your mum (and my ex mil) don't know the boundaries. It's a tricky one, of course they love their gc and want to be involved, this one's going too far though.

Sorry about your loss

Blimey, well I hope you enjoyed that wander down guilt-trip lane, Chaos. Try not to flog yourself on the way out.

I understand, I'm very private too. I hate, hate, hate people knowing my business. I honestly don't know why but it just makes me so uncomfortable. My mother is an attention-seeking nightmare with a very flimsy grasp on reality and little to no social skills. It is not a good combination.

Photocopying school reports is indeed 'fucking weird'. I know lots of lovely grabs like a nice boast, no harm in that whatsoever, but who on earth photocopies school reports? Weird.

(Pag does actually live in a castle, I don't blame her mum for having a photo of it)

" You do sound a bit like the thought Police and very intolerant and mean. You will be sorry that you were nasty to her when she has gone. I was... No more Mum to complain to, or complain about. Life is too short. "

So Hole, you are saying you learnt fuck all from that.

You were gratuitously rude to your mum and she died.
So instead of learning to be a better person you decided to be fucking horrible to people on the Internet.

Genius

Holeinmyheart - you post like you've got a hole in your head tbh.

I don't think hole phrased it very nicely but I agree in principle ie it's really not a big deal and many nans like to brag about their GC. I know my mom does about my DC. And yes, I do send her a copy of their reports (which makes me "fucking weird" according to Pag) because she loves to read them. It gives her pleasure - and why would I want to stop that?

Anyway chaos, even though we don't agree, I don't like to think of you upset so I shall offer you a glass of the Pimms I just made and give you a friedndly MN punch on the shoulder in a comradely fashion. Don't be upset. Have a little chat with your mom and see if you can find some middle ground

Oh and I'm fucking weird according to randall as well. I feel great now!

I'd have a picture of Paggys house on my windowsill. It's lovely.

Right. Not a lot you can do about the gobbling off about your personal life at the school gates if you've told her it makes you uncomfortable and she's ignored this. The problem is what we consider personal is subjective to us as individuals. Added to the fact that this is your mum, she may simply refuse to consider this on the basis she still sees you as hers. If she's a sulker you can't confront her either.

I'd rely in your friends on this one. If they bring it up say. "I'm not good talking about personal stuff, unlike my mother (roll your eyes here)" at least they'll get it then.

As for the wanting photocopies of their school reports. Tell her to memorise them, as it will help her memory as she ages.

Or tell her the toaster has never been quite right since she stole it so your not happy about entrusting your children's educational achievements to her in hard copy either.

Sending a grandparent who lives away a copy of their grand children's school report, so they can feel connected and 'in touch' is completely different to a gran who lives down the road asking for one. Surely you can see that.

I think you are unreasonable to expect your mum not to talk about a member of her own family, regardless of whether you would have told the school gate mums about your bereavement.

On photocopying reports and certificates, just say you don't want them being shown around though you understand how proud she is of them.

But from the extra info about perfume / migraine etc, it sounds like there's a bit more going on than just these two things.

I'm sending my Mum copies of my children's school reports as she lives 70 miles away and won't get to see them any time soon. I am positive she won't bore her friends or neighbours with them, though.

I'm not sure I do Randall (although my mom does live 150 miles away and misses her GC so very much )

It's about the motivation.
Your mum wouldn't see the reports unless you sent them to her and it's a lovely way for her to feel involved in her DGC's lives.

Chaos's mum sees these children all the time. Why on earth would she need her own copy? It's just bizarre.

I don't know. Maybe she just enjoys reading them more than once? I dunno.

Amyway, in the original "That's fucking weird" comments no distance criteria were mentioned!

Hello folks! Just a reminder that this isn't AIBU. The OP hasn't asked for opinions on whether she is right to be upset or not, just on how to deal with this. Some of the responses here are a bit harsh, too. You know how we hate a lacey thread, so please steer clear of posting in a way that veers towards personal attacks. Advice relevant to the original post only, please. Let's all be 'naice'. Thanks for all the ideas contributed for the OP - there' lots of valuable input too.

www.mumsnet.com/info/netiquette

I might email my mum a copy of her gc report but thats because I know she wouldnt dream of showing it to anyone! It is odd to want a personal copy if she has actually read it. But its clearly a bigger issue than reports and playground chat, there is something about the prospect of maternal disapproval that can make a grown woman feel v wobbly

MNHQ involved? Bit much. It may as well be AIBU because 90% of people have just said 'yeah your mum sounds insane, you are totally right to not photocopy the reports!' which is just a roundabout way of saying YANBU and not actually giving advice on the problem.

And WTH is a lacey thread?