I appear to have offended my mom, and I don't think I've done anything unacceptable.

[ChaosTrulyReigns]

I'm quite a private person with regards to personal life, alwats felt uncomfortable talking about achievement (could be regarded as boasting) or events/happenings. Mom, however has no filter on what us appropriate to share with people

FFor example, I lost a family member in quite unsettling circumstances last month, told only my closest friend. No one else. 4 school moms (not really friends) came up to me in the playground a few days after his death and offered condolences. It appears that she stood there in the playground on her day to collect the DC and told a group of people. Now, I'm not one to judge on how people grieve, but it upset me greatly, that people who I chat about the weather with at most, know this business because she just won't stop blurting to everyone.

This morning it's come to a head as it's report season. She want a photocopy of all their reports and cerficates. I know this means she'll be flashing them around at all the various groups she participates in. I'm uncomfortable with thus as DH and I tell no one, apart from in the vaguest terms "yup, they're doing fine, and enjoying school" if asked directly. She's had a massive huff as I've kindly decline to photocopy the stuff and taken away her boasting evidence. I've been made to feel the bad guyion this. And I don't really think I should be made to feel that I am in the wrong.

Does anyone have advice on how to deal with this? I have a feeling that my reticence h arisen from the many moments in the past where her insensitive splurging of info has made me (and others) uncomfortable.

Sorry for the essay.

How was my advice 'ridiculous' Mintyy ?

OP's mum is upset because OP won't explain reasons for not letting her share in her grandchildrens lives. While I believe it is perfectly acceptable to saying no to the photocopying thing OP could at least explain to her mum why if she feels that strongly about it instead of leaving her in the dark.

OP's mum clearly a very open person, if OP doesn't explain to her she is not and would appreciate it if her mother didn't talk about her/her family then is it any reason mother is feeling offended?

The family member dying is her news to tell. Your DC's academic levels are not.
This. I wouldn't give her the reports, and would just tell her what you want her to know - "yup, they're doing fine, and enjoying school".

Thanks, BitOut for phrasing that kindly, I'm getting all upset again about the situation. I think my sense of logic and true reason has evaporated.

sorry for your loss Chaos. xx

Is the family member that you have lost also her family member? If so, then although you don't want to talk about your loss, which is your right, she has the right to want to talk about her loss, iyswim. What's right for you is right for you and what is right for her is right for her.

I don't mean to sound harsh because I can tell that you are really struggling with this but in the nicest way possible, it would benefit you to change the way you think about the ownership of information. In this case (again, assuming the family member is hers as well as yours, if not then I apologise) The information about the loss of a mutual family member is not owned by you. If you see what I am saying. It is as ok for her to disclose as it is for you not to.

I am sensing that there's a massive background here of you feeling like you own nothing of your information - I understand because I grew up with parents who took my personal information and shared it with the world any time they thought it would get sympathy and/or attention for them. Them not me, note. So I get that it can be about more than the information itself.

Re the school reports - some people, grandparents often like to show off their pride and joy (the grandchildren). There isn't actually anything wrong with that. Too many years on here will convince you that demonstrating public pride in one's offspring or allowing anyone else to do so is a Bad Bad Thing.

This is not true.

missed a few of your later posts, chaos my love.

She sounds more and more like my parents.

Is everything about attention for herself, in whatever way she can get it?

Grandparents are supposed to think their grandchildren are wonderful and have a boast at every chance. Let her boast and be proud.

Try and ignore the rest of it. She sounds like she works in a different way to you, which is fine. Try and accept it and leave her to it. You sound very similar as you both seem to read way too much into what other people say/don't say.

OP's mum is upset because OP won't explain reasons for not letting her share in her grandchildrens lives.

What? Where did I say that?

How is not giving her photocopies of their reports 'not letting her share in her grandchildren's lives'??? What a bizarre comment.

OP do you actually know she wants to copy them so she can whip them out at random to impress or whatever? Perhaps she wants to keep them in a memory box or something. My mum still has all my school reports etc

Your mother. Not your grandmother.

HavantGuad

Totally twisted what I just posted with that misquote. If you want to read it again properly I said OP is perfectly justified to not let her photocopy stuff.

Sorry. You said 'OP won't explain reasons for not letting her share in her grandchildrens lives.' Very different

Fucks sake lasslancs, lay off.
School reports are private and I wouldn't be copying my kids reports for my Mum even if she begged, Chaos has said already that her Mum has seen them and they have talked about them.

Thanks for the kindness and agreements. I knew it was right to vent here. I don't normally. I really appreciate it.

I see her as a massive attention seeker, Hect, always has been. Dad's the total opposite, has got many professional qualifications that he tells no one about. Very private and humble. I guess I'm in the middle. I like some attention - like to entertain, but am particular about revealing stuff about me andmine.

I think that's the point I was making about not judging grieving, but I think I know I'd feel uncomfortable in the pkayground if sone acquaintance's parent started telling me about a loss.

Hhmmm yes Havant I put that because that is clearly how OP's mother see's it. She wants to show off her grandchildren (and doesn't think the reports are an inappropriate way to do it) OP won't allow but didn't bother to explain why.

OP, it sounds like you and your mum are poles apart on views and opinions - and that's not a criticism, just a fact.

Your DC are your concern and you have every right to decline to copy reports/certificates for her boasting (maybe she is proud of them and maybe, she likes to bask in their reflected glory - either way you have a right to put your foot down.)

If she asks for things that you are not happy providing/disclosing just give general answers eg "Yes, we're proud of them, they've all done really well" and then, if asked for hardcopies just explain "no, these things are private and not for public viewing".

Your DM will, probably, never change her ways but, as you repeatedly decline her requests for more info, she may begin to respect your privacy a bit more.

And as for not telling Aunty Mildred about an illness this made me laugh as my (not so dear) grandma was the same. Every imaginary illness that she had had to be broadcast to family/friends/neighbours and any other fecker who did/didn't care just to appease her. We soon started to drop our weekly visits to bi-monthly ones!!!!

Wow, apparently a lot of people on this thread cannot read. I never once said OP should copy the reports. I said she should explain to her mother why she wouldn't then maybe she wouldn't feel so offended.

OP won't allow but didn't bother to explain why.

OP doesn't actually have any obligation to explain herself, though.

Oh sure, she might want to, because depending on her mum's personality, that might be a better strategy and get her the result she's looking for. Equally, it might not.

I think it's inconsiderate and inappropriate to makessomeone feel uncomfortable, do I wouldn't do that to them.

(that should have been in previous poat)

My mother is the worlds proudest grandmother. She has photos of dd with swimming medals in her handbag, she has a photo of my house - a huge one- on her windowsill.
Even she would not ask for photocopied school reports because it is
A) fucking weird
B) intrusive
C) really really fucking weird

If anyone thinks its normal. It isn't.

This isn't AIBU, it's relationships, that doesn't appear to deter some people.

I mean the photo is a huge one..