Aggressive husband (sorry long story!)

[flowerpothead]

It has been a very bad week - we're trying to move house and it's all going terribly wrong and have the added stress of an 8 week old DS and just turned 2 DS. Last night I was in a foul mood after picking eldest up from nursery to find that again he had come home with awful awful nappy rash. I have been really struggling with doing bedtimes alone for the 2 of them and my H is usually home in time on Friday for bedtime. Yesterday he came home late, completely pissed after a big corporate event at Lords. We had a big row as I'm not happy about him going away for 2 nights on a stag do weekend after next and this brought it to a head. I know I was being a cow about it (saying I would email his friend and say he was only going for 1 night) but he totally flipped out.
He was holding me down on the sofa trying to get my phone off me then threw it forcefully onto the floor. He held me down so hard I have huge bruises on both arms and scratches. I told him I wanted him to go and stay at his mums (lives in same town). We were shouting but he then proceeded to push me hard against the fridge three times whilst still holding my wrists really hard then against the back door twice - I was terrified the glass would break. The fridge door is dented. Then I was cowering on the floor and I really thought he would hit me - I started screaming for help and he stopped and sulked off.
Also a bit sad as he was on the phone to his mum saying could he stay and I was shouting at him to just leave - he said "sorry I'm just going to beat my wife and hung up". She didn't ring to check I was ok - guess she thought it was jest :-(
This only happens once in a blue moon (under exceptional circumstances) and has never been this bad. He's never hit me but I feel really sore - my arms and back are killing me. I don't want to separate as most of the time we get on pretty well. I want him to see someone about his temper though. I think we should be able to have a flaming row without me ending up feeling like this. Would be very grateful for advice. Am most scared that when the children are bigger they'll experience his temper.

Finally got through to women's aid and they were just amazing. Now confident to go to Gp and get referred for the appropriate counselling - or go back to them if that doesn't happen. Feel so much more supported. My family have been royally crap - my dad just changed the subject and my mum kept coming up with things I could do differently (pretty much blaming me). I asked them to come and help with the boys today as I am totally wiped out but they were busy.
Also have a friend who's husband has a gambling addiction and I think I'll confide in her - I know it's very different but I now feel like I fall into a group of people who are living with a problem.
Thank you for all of your help and guidance. Xx

Glad you are getting some real life support OP. Wishing you all the best - be strong.

Is this counselling for you, flowerpothead?

Very glad you're feeling better supported.

Is this a man you would choose to marry and live with, one who hurts you and frightens you? If you could rewind the clock?

No
Then get rid of him. He's a bad egg. He is not up to the mark and you can't fix it.

You are very brave. It is a tough journey you have found yourself on.

You are so brave. So courageous, and an ace mum.

Let's hope you have a gp who gets it. Many do these days.

Keep talking, here or WA, or anywhere.

xxxx

Thank you xx
Today I just feel grief-stricken for the life I thought we had. Gp appt this pm. H has decided that, apart from anger management, he thinks it would be wise to just "have a therapist" indefinitely so he can stay on guard of his problem. Feel this is positive.
Is it ok just to wallow or should I be trying to take my mind off it? Eldest is at nursery today so just me and the baby.

Wallow if you want too. You're entitled to. In your shoes though I would start to take him out of your headspace and start filling it with you and your children. if he is genuinely on a path to fixing himself, then that's great. But it is something he needs to do. Not you. If he tries to make his "recovery" a team effort. It is futile. He is essentially saying that it is something you both need to work on. That is absolutely not the case.

If I were you I would concentrate on you. Book a hair appointment, take the kids for a day out, maybe join a group or start a course, organise a girls night out. These are things that a loving partner should encourage anyway. The more of a life you build for yourself, the easier it will be should things not go as you hope.

If things do go as you hope, then that's great.

The thing is, your life has totally and fundamentally changed in the space of what is really a few moments.

That is tough. Really tough.

That is what got me.....that fist landing on my face ended my marriage, in that one moment.

I also had to face up to the family I came from, and all of their stuff.

I tried, as I have said to go through the therapy route, and whilst that has been, and continues to be amazing for me....my husband is STILL lying about his. I know he is. If he were REALLY doing a perpetrators course, they would have been in touch with me. No one has.

It has taken years to face up to the fact that he simply doesn't get it. And never will.

Something that has been a big part of that realisation, is the fact that I have kept all his emails in a secret folder. I have read them back....you can clearly see the "cycle of abuse" in operation. I can no longer believe a word he says, about anything, not therapy, not "loving" me, or the kids, nothing.

But back on 2009, before the attack, before all that...I knew in my tummy that it was all wrong, and that I would, at some point, have to leave. I was right.

I am so sorry for you flowerpot, really I am. It is devastating. xxx

I understand what you're saying about feeling grief stricken for the life you thought you had. It's hard, and you will inevitably start to have realisations about his intentions over the years.

There is a part in Lundy's book that explains quite well. Every person in this position sticks around for the good times. Because he's not all bad. And an ill conceived notion that it's in the best interest of the children.

Lundy explained that these abusers are "entitled". Your abuser doesn't mind you being happy, so long as it doesn't affect him in anyway. This was a real realisation for me. Because I spent my life doing everything I could to make him happy and was in a cloud of fog thinking that he was the same. It's hard to realise that thr person you love and wanted to spend your whole life with doesn't only not love you, but actually doesn't even have the best of intentions for you.

If you are worrying about him, who's worrying about you. You have to change your mindset to being the one who thinks about you. (Im 6 months out and still find this difficult because I haven't done it for so long.) You'll be a stronger person for it and a happier better mother for it.

I agree, stop focusing on him and trying to fix him, focus on yourself and the future.
The other problem is...how will you ever know he is fixed and it won't happen again?

How long will it take to know?

Check out The Freedom Programme, when you are ready. The person that ran the one I did, is now part of our family support team.

There are a myriad of books and websites. I personally never got the Lundy Bancroft thing, although I have read it many times. I always wanted a deeper answer, which seems to lie in the personality disorder thing.

I could never work out why they couldn't understand how they ultimately wreck their own lives, totally. End up isolated and alone, and still don't get that it's because of their own behaviour.....even people who appear to be quite bright, have zero insight into their own behaviours and the effects on their own lives.

One of the better books, for me, was the Alexander Lowen book on Narcissism.

I found reading and learning about abuse and abusive people was incredibly helpful, for me. May not be for you, but I had a deep need to understand why.

Your thread caught my interest as my dh threw the remote control hard against the wall the other day. It was clear he lost his temper.

I don't know whether this will ever happen again.

To add....it has taken three years of therapy to stop focussing on him, and start to focus on me.....so be kind to yourself. It is very hard to re-callibrate everything you were taught to "be".

This is what you want him to do? The starting point is doing it yourself.

You can even do the Freedom Programme online for free

www.onespace.org.uk/elearning/courses/freedom-programme

I'm sorry to hear that aheadofyourtime. It is an intimidation tactic to get you to stay in line. To give uou an idea of what he is capable of doing. I take it you were doing something that he didn't like at the time. NOT THAT IT IS AN EXCUSE. But more that it is a tactic to get you to change your behaviour so that whatever you were doing, you don't do again, for fear that next time you be on the receiving end of the remote.

Are you ok?

Bless you, I understand your reluctance to "give up without trying to fix it", but make sure you don't start to accept this as your normal, to the point where if it happens again, it almost doesn't faze you.