Recovering from an affair (as the innocent party)

[olderguy]

Some may remember the thread I had deleted (because I was concerned over privacy)
Today has been much better as for the first time she has told me how truly she is sorry for what she has done and we have started reconnecting emotionally. We have been able to talk things through without getting angry, shouting, walking off or any childish or petulant displays.
We have been able to hug, cuddle and kiss with it feeling meaningful.
Rather than looking always to what has happened we have talked about the future and the road to becoming a loving couple again.
This is not to say I have fully recovered. I still feel on the verge of a panic attack most of the time, constantly worry if her phone goes off and am still prone to crying for no apparent reason (which as a man is embarrassing and humiliating).
I think we still have a long way to go but truly believe we can get there.

Have you told her that you feel this way?

I still feel on the verge of a panic attack most of the time, constantly worry if her phone goes off and am still prone to crying for no apparent reason.

By the way, please don´t feel embarrassed or humiliated. These are your feelings, there is no need to be ashamed.

Yes I've told her how I feel and she says to give it time and she loves me and wants to be with me and has been trying hard to reassure me.

This is incredibly recent...have you googled "hysterical bonding"? Just to make sure you know what it is and whether the phase you are both currently in fits this bill or not; you may find it extremely useful x

Unfortunately you have Rug swept. There needs to be full disclosure from your wife , ties cut with om , and a willingness to be open with all communications. Your wife is in a dopamine fog and is probably hooked on this guy. There just isn't that sort of turn around within days.

You may find it useful to have a read of this forum.talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/

talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/

Is this the one where she refused to stop texting and got caught at a hotel (hope not giving anything too much away here) I wouldn't want to add to incorrect thread.

Tis Frog.

It is the one where she refused to admit she was having an affair, where she refused to admit she had sex and where she refused to cut contact.
I am amazed she's had such a turnaround in two/three days?
How very convenient that you will not talk about what happened in the 'past' ie. last week and will just look to the future.
Sorry op. I can understand you want things back to normal quickly, but I don't believe this is the way forwards for your mental health.

Ah she pressed the 'reset' button. You should have a look on the baggage reclaim site about the reset button op. Very convenient for her.

I wouldn't trust her as far as l could throw her. Her complete turnaround does not sit right with me.
i would be wary, very wary of what she says, she has probably realised you were not prepared to tolerate her affair and had to rethink her attitude.
Are you totally sure she has broken all contact with OM.

Your trust in her has been totally shattered and will not return overnight/next week and never completely at all.
Your relationship from now on will be different unlike your previous one. It will be like starting all over again.
I wish you well

Please remember that just because you've agreed to "try", you can't be held to that. If you realise in a week, a month, a year, that you bang forgive her- that's fine.

What's she doing? Has she agreed to tell you the truth about what happened, for how long (whatever else you want to know), etc? To share passwords with you? Or just conveniently suggested we "move on" from....last week?

She sounded incredibly spiteful in get initial response. Almost hateful. How do you know she and her fancy man aren't carrying on, really?

I realise by agreeing to try that it may still end as us splitting.
I said some nasty things this morning after she didn't show any affection that later I regretted. This evening again has been better, talking things through but I still feel she is withholding things either to protect my feelings or because she herself is ashamed. Is it wrong to want to know everything? For me I think it will help me move on but is this a normal reaction?

I think it's ok to want all of the details. I don't think it's ok to say nasty things because she's not being affectionate.

olderguy You are totally normal and you have every right to ask for answers. However, remember that your focus is on moving forward. Good luck.

I think your wife could be trying a bit harder to show you that she loves you as clearly you are still feeling very low.

I did apologise for what I said and called her I was wrong to say it. And just to clarify by affection I'm talking of saying I love you, a hug/cuddle or a kiss and not sex.

You should never have given her another chance. How can you after they showed such little respect or regard for your feelings? Affairs should never be forgiven.

I found a full disclosure helpful. Otherwise you're constantly in fear of a further skeleton coming out of the closet and being set back yet again with all the previous hurt and fear rising to the surface. All the feelings of betrayal come back.

I read Shirley Glasses Not Just Friends. It was extremely helpful and showed you how to repair a marriage after adultery. Unfortunately in my case after reading it I could see so much clearer and realised my marriage wasn't salvageable.

Good luck.

@dontsteponthemomeraths - no marriages are salvageable after an affair. How can anyone go back to someone who has showed them such contempt?

Very rarely a marriage is salvageable with a lot of hard work by both parties. If both are prepared to put the work in and forgive. It doesn't sound like she does.

It's a good book if you want to try like olderguy seems to. And hopefully by reading it he won't be taken for a mug by her and also have realistic expectations.

Being very angry about the affair is completely normal and understandable. Calling someone names because they're not being affectionate is abusive I think. Any affection you received after the name calling was likely forced and not genuine.

After reading the original thread , and now this , I think there is something very wrong. You have mithered her to be affectionate to you several times , clearly when she hasn't wanted to. You sound incredibly needy and possibly this has been a problem for a long time.

Today I feel I've finally got over the shock and we've really been connecting and made progress. I think rather than calling this an affair it would be better described as an inappropriate friendship which then crossed the line. I still believe there was no sex and very little sexual contact just from her reaction, reading her body language and her willingness to swear on the kids lives which she takes very seriously.

Obviously this doesn't make everything right and it still hurts but she now seems truly remorseful and is really making an effort to rebuild what we have. There has now been no contact between her and OM for 5 days which has seems to have lifted the fog from her mind a bit and she realises even though the texts may have been innocent it was still not right to hide it.

We are getting there and it will take time but I'm glad we are making the effort and believe that we can be the loving happy couple we once was.
It also helps me to know I have the b'stards and his wifes facebook and can send her a message at any time of my choosing if for any reason OM tries to get in contact again :)

I really feel for you op,

I hope things turn out the way you want them to.

I'm still on an emotional roller coaster.

Earlier I was feeling good, we can get over this, what she done was bad but could have been so much worse.

Now I'm feeling really down again, how could she have done this to me, why could she not see what she was doing was so wrong, what did I ever do to deserve this?

Was it my fault some how? Did I not tell her I love her enough? Did I not spoil her enough? Was I not there for her enough? I hate life at the moment, why does this have to hurt so bad?

Calling her affair a inappropriate friendship is simply deluding yourself . While I understand the desire to minimize this , in the long run its not helpful for you , your wife , or your relationship. If you are serious about reconciliation , consider enlisting the help of a counsellor. Your reluctance to acknowledge or deal with things is going to invite more trouble.