How to get over the horrible things your partner says to you

[tisrainingagain]

Yesterday h told me that I have been lazy for 20 years (actually been together for 18 years but you get the gist). I am supposed to be clearing the dcs' rooms (which are messy) to prove that I care, but can't find the energy to get past h's sulking and being called lazy.

Was trying to tell h that he or our relationship makes me feel anxious and depressed which is one of the reasons some things don't get done, but he wasn't having any of it.

So h has gone away until Friday evening, how do I stop ruminating over being called lazy etc... and get on with stuff I need to do.

Tis - you do seem to beleive that if you found out why he dislikes/hates/holds you in contempt, that you could say 'aha! I can do Xxxx or Yyyy or stop doing Xxxx - then he would love/like/tolerate me'! It doesn't work llike that. There is nothing you can do, or stop doing, that turns on feelings like that. He holds you in contempt because he can.

And who cares what he feels? You should be thinking about what you feel, not him.

Hmm, plenty of this strikes a chord with me... haven't got anything to add other than I'm going through the same issue with mine and currently looking into arrangements to free myself from the situation. Good luck OP x

Truly excellent posts BertieBotts. I'm so happy for you that you got out of your horrible situation.

'It is mainly the constant silence/strain between h and I which must be really unsettling, coupled with how unhappy we must both come across to the dc'

This sounds like the home I grew up in. My parents would go months without speaking to each other - silence around the dinner table every night, walking on eggshells, wondering when it would ever end. My siblings and I are extremely anxious and unhappy adults, and we have all been in abusive relationships ourselves. I am 4 years in with psychotherapy and only recently have I started to let go of the terror that any cross word between my lovely DP and I would mean the end of our relationship and the end of the world. Please do not underestimate the damage that is being done to your children right now. You are using the idea that 'they adore him' as an excuse to stay. They deserve to grow up in an stable, happy home and not to have to see their mum get treated like shit all the time.

When I did get out of my own abusive relationship, it felt like coming out of prison. It took me months to leave and it was petrifying and we weren't living together and had no children, but it was still scary. It was the best thing I ever did though. You don't deserve to live like this OP. And he WILL. NOT. CHANGE. no matter what sort of hoops you make yourself jump through.

How are you doing tisrainingagain?

Thanks for asking bertiebotts, I have been thinking about you and your amazing posts (including your last one on OCD) and meaning to write more - and to thank you and everyone else.

My dd is better in herself. She is still doing some OCD things but seems to have come back from wherever she was in her mind, which is a massive relief. We are still waiting for the appointment with CAMHS.

With regards to h, the disconnect between us is huge and I don't know how to bridge it. After a difficult Sunday I was composing how I would explain the fact that I think we should separate - basically by saying that I can no longer tolerate (as in really can't bear) the lack of affection, rudeness and endless silence. It gets to Monday however and the enormity of what I am considering seems preposterous. Feel very unloved however and also want dc to be in an environment where they see their parents being happy so don't know what to do.

Have more to say but will do it tomorrow as am too tired and am typing on phone.

Thanks again for asking .

Hi OP. I just wanted to share my experience about the tidying thing.

When DC1 was 9mo I had to go back to work full time and DH became a SAHD. I still did all the laundry, half the cooking, and of course some cleaning and tidying up, plus all the marking ang preparing lessons while DC was stuck to my boob.

Once DH sat me down and proceeded to tell me for half an hour what a crap wife and mother I was, that I didn't do anything around the house, that the clothes stayed on the drying line for too long...

I was devastated and tried to do more, which meant that I got less sleep and that my work suffered.

FF 6 years. I am now a SAHM with 3 DCs and a bigger house. I have to do all the housework and childcare (DCs are homeschooled). Guess what - DH still periodically goes on about what a crap housewife I am. A few week ago he shouted at me because I didn't rinse the bath once, FIVE YEARS AGO.

You cannot win, OP. This has nothing do to with your housekeeping abilities. If you tidy up, he will either move the goalposts or find something else to complain about.

I know firsthand that LTB is easier said than done, so I am not going to advise it, but please don't blame yourself.

Leave him. It's amazing how quickly you can get over things once you're rid. I did it recently and within a week was like 'why did I ever listen to him'

Best decision I've ever made, although not the easiest.

You do know what to do OP, you're just scared of the unknown, he's probably got you as far down as you can go, please love yourself and your DCs and make a happy life for yourself, you are allowed that you know. Do it, you will be amazed at how easy it is and was.

Imagine being an old lady, children grown up, nothing has changed. He is retired and still moaning. You dread the grand kids making mess because he moans. You dd is married to a man who treats her the same way.

I am watching this act out in real life, and its heartbreaking. My lovely MIL has a degenerative disease, and where, when she hit 50 something, she got a bit harder and did a few things for herself (though always rushing home to have FIL lunch on the table) as she is getting weaker he is revelling in her vulnerability.
His behaviour is bullying and domineering. He drives everyone away and then, because she doesnt like to lose face or admit the truth of it, she ends up agreeing as to how awful that person was. A few strong minded friends still visit but he hates her going out and sulks for days if she does. He frightens the grandchildren so much that he is isolating her from her family. My DP hates him, but he also feels frustrated that she never stood up to him, and even now she is scared to make decisions or choices that will be seen as 'siding' with the kids. He is self centred and can only see everything from his own point of view. She is frightened, she cannot imagine that she could cope without him, even though there are many people who care about her who would help. He is unpredictable, aggressive, controlling and acts like a scared little boy, which may be the crux of the matter - these men know they cannot survive without their 'victim' they know how useless they are themselves, so they try to control them by bullying and destroying them, so that the victim has no confidence to be able to leave.
The relationship has a certain co-dependancy though, because you need to buy into the game, to believe that you can 'make the abuser better' whether by more love, more housework, more sex, more 'being perfect'. But the problem is never really with the victim in the first place.

Thanks very much for the new posts which people have written, I really appreciate all of them.

Feel very very sad at what things are like between h and I.

I am totally lost and am even wondering whether I am the kind of person who would in any situation be feeling this kind of anxiety.

Will write more later as need to put dc to bed.

It has got to the point where for my own sanity I should seriously think about separating. All this stuff I am supposed to do before I consider that option seems so difficult. The situation between h and I is very depressing and makes me anxious.

On the other hand the thought of separating or getting divorced, the sheer traumatic enormity of it, is truly terrifying and also makes me very anxious.

I don't know what to do.

At the very least we should be apart for a bit but I don't have a clue how to organise that either.

It's as if, where h is concerned, I have shut down.

It's not good. Shutting down is a sign of emotional trauma. So as hard as it is, it's just a case of making the first step. Just one step at a time. Do you have anyone in real life you can confide in? Sometimes having someone egging you on helps. BTW, the anxiety is a direct response to this situation. Whether you are anxious or not - this situation would make the strongest most emotionally resilient person in the world anxious. Once again, it is not you.

Sorry I can't stay tonight because I'm an hour ahead of you (time zones) and I have work in the morning. But I will catch up in the day and probably evening too.

What do you feel you have to do before you consider the option? Or do you mean all of the constant changing etc that you've given yourself as a condition (which isn't really a condition at all).

Divorce is not so bad - I didn't have that step myself, but I have friends who have, and it's just paperwork and legal stuff. You can even just leave it alone for 2 years and then it's much simpler. And separating can be separated out (ha) into little easy practical steps. The ladies on here can help you out with those. The emotional stuff - it's no worse than what you're going through now. You'll come through it. Concentrate on the practical and let that shut down trauma response carry you through, or ride the storm out. It will be fine, it is a million times worth it. I'd go through it again. Think of it as like childbirth! Gotta be done, and what's that side of it is much better than what's this side of it.

Hi Bertiebotts and anyone else who is still reading

I feel better this morning.

It was the last day of school for my two dds yesterday (my ds finished the day before) and I spent the day clearing up dd2's room, going to the supermarket (twice) and making some phonecalls I had to make... After school I went to the park with other parents and kids from school as it is an end of year tradition. Got back and was playing UNO with kids as well as dd1's friend who had come home with us. Dd2 and ds had an argument which resulted in dd2 going to the other room to cry loudly.

At this point dh (who was making food that he didn't think the dc would like) told me to make food for her as she was obviously hungry (which she was but I was spaced out by the heat and end of term sadness). I didn't like the tone that he used so looked him squarely in the face (eyeballed him a bit maybe) and told him I would when I had finished the game of UNO. He then made a horrible face at me. So it is this exchange which knocked me for six. We then hardly spoke again all evening. He also proceeded to offer quite a lot of the food he was making to the kids (though they also had the stuff which I made) and I was left wondering why he couldn't have done that in the first place (and they did like what he had made).

I know it all sounds incredibly petty. I think what upset me about the exchange between h and I and the disapproving dicatorial way he told me to make dd2 some food (is this a throwback to when I was told off by my parents and felt shamed by it??) is that I had thought I was doing ok today. Tackling dd's room which is one of the "conditions", in my mind, of h and I getting on better. His food outburst made me realise (for the umpteenth time) that there is always going to be something that he will be annoyed about. Like earlier on in the day when he had asked me to bank a cheque but I had forgotten to give it a reference (which he has asked me to do in the past). So he was annoyed about this (as it had come up in his account with a place reference rather than a job reference) and told me I had just (words to this effect anyway) "dumped the cheque there" .

It all sounds petty but I suppose it is the backdrop of absolutely no affection which makes it difficult - and I feel weighed down by his past criticisms. I can't forget the things he has said and the unending feeling of not being good enough. I also don't like h's short temper which manifests itself in chucking things out of his way if he doesn't think they should be there (in the kitchen mainly) and I always know this particular body language is aimed at me.

I do have people I confide in - mostly my Dad, Aunt and sister (though she is fed up with hearing about it).

It's all a mess. Last night when I was thinking I would have to garner all my strength and organise a separation, it suddenly occurred to me that ds (who is 12) would probably decide where he wanted to be the most (I have been thinking that h and I would probably have some kind of 50 /50 arrangement). He is a creature of routine (ds) and I was thinking that if I had to be the one to leave (with the kids) in the first instance, (while a divorce was sorted out later), he would probably want to stay in the family home, so I would then see him a lot less . Plus the idea of having to leave the home (because h definitely wouldn't) is very very painful. And worst of all the fear that I may regret it all later.

Was watching one of those A & E programmes the day before yesterday which featured a 78 year old man who had had a heart attack in a gym (and luckily been given CPR there). His wife came to see him and they were holding hands and telling each other that they loved each other. Unless you have this kind of feeling as a base in a relationship, is there actually any point? I was thinking that I could not imagine h saying the same to me in hospital (whether he was the patient or I was).

Anyway, thanks for listening to my ramblings!!

One of the things which depresses me a lot is the fact that h is a workaholic who is on his laptop every spare moment and every evening until very late at night. Always. He is not interested in relating with me or trying to. Or maybe we are just too different.

So why stay with him? He has no respect for you at all let alone any caring. And he is showing your children how you should treat people - that isn't good is it? And glued to his laptop every minute - are you sure he is just working? Is he secretive with his phone too? He seems like he has already detached and is ready to go.

Oh tis - why bother? You may feel that 'divorce/separation etc is toooo much upheaval, but honestly, it;s not. Once you break it down, it's a matter of telling him, then the dc, then solicitor -actually do this first;- sort out what you will live on, where you will live, what happens to the dc. You say 'he will not leave' - he may well have to. He can't just say 'you go'. If you are the Primary carer, and it is their home, then why should you all leave, and he keep on living there? A court would most llikely award you residency in the house, or the house will be sold and the proceeds split. Or He can leave and get a flat or something - that would all be sorted by your and his solictors.

Re the food - leave him to it. Sort out yourself and dc. Let him bank his own cheques, if you 'don't do it right'. In fact stop doing stuff for him altogether.

The laptop stuff is definitely work. H is self employed and the computer is the source of all his learning and some of the work he does. He is also addicted though.

He is definitely detached but I don't think he is "ready to go". I think he could sit this out for years. We went to the park with our 2 dds this evening but didn't speak while there over a silly argument about him wearing my shoes. That was me - I should have kept my mouth shut. It all sounds ridiculous but I think feelings of hurt are running very high. I don't know what to do about it. It feels very very lonely and kind of humiliating in the sense that being disliked by your "nearest and dearest" makes you think there is something wrong with you.

We are spending the next 3 days with his family which will be fun while being ignored.

Basically I feel kind of worthless and ridiculous.

And I feel very sad for our dc who are forced to function as if the way things are between h and I is normal

And (sorry to go on!) I feel sorry that my dc think that this version of me is ok .

Like someone said to me on one of my previous threads - I feel like dragging this waste of space out of your home by the balls!! I'm incensed on your behalf.

This moron is zapping your energy. The answer to the thread question is LTB in my honest opinion. Your energy will be renewed not having this parasite breathing down your neck.

It's not to late to change the path you are on. You only get one life... grab it with both hands.

The best thing is you are in the driving seat. You decide the 'when' and 'how'. Take stock and make plans.

What if I'm the parasite though?? I haven't worked for almost 13 years and from the position I am in now don't really understand why I made that choice. My youngest has been in school for 4 years now so I don't really understand what I have been doing (I did a course to become a teaching assistant and then lots of volunteering which has this year petered down to almost nothing, and I have never gone on to get paid work as a TA - a combination of lack of confidence and, I suppose, not wanting to be tied down to a job what with dc off school when sick (though that is less frequent now) - and just generally not wanting to be tied down ).

Plus, if you do separate or get divorced, how do you get over the sheer and utter miserable failure of it all and the fact that somewhere, your ex cares less than nothing about you (projecting here, don't know how all exes feel!).

I'm really sorry but your relationship has already failed. To stay living with him to avoid public 'failure' at the expense of your own and your kids happiness is warped logic.

Success isn't staying with a horrible man. It's being honest with yourself and doing the best you can for yourself and your loved ones. And he already cares for you not one jot, as evidenced by his behaviour.

Somebody already said you only get one life, please don't waste any more of it.