How to get over the horrible things your partner says to you

[tisrainingagain]

Yesterday h told me that I have been lazy for 20 years (actually been together for 18 years but you get the gist). I am supposed to be clearing the dcs' rooms (which are messy) to prove that I care, but can't find the energy to get past h's sulking and being called lazy.

Was trying to tell h that he or our relationship makes me feel anxious and depressed which is one of the reasons some things don't get done, but he wasn't having any of it.

So h has gone away until Friday evening, how do I stop ruminating over being called lazy etc... and get on with stuff I need to do.

it also illustrates how little he cares for you

but but but

your are wasting your life and contributing to your children getting terribly damaging examples of how supposedly loving relationships are supposed to work while you waffle about "chances" and "giving it one last shot"

he doesn't give a shit....if he did, he wouldn't hurt you like he does

hiow would you feel if a daughter of yours ended up with a man like this...how if your son treated his partner like his father does ?

this is how it is going to be

Please leave ASAP. I'm planning to leave my EA husband (second attempt) after I've been told he's abusive by: friends, family, my counsellor, the school nurse and our Relate counsellor. My straw-that-breaks-the-camels-back moment was seeing the effect on my DCs over past 12 months. DS1 showing OCD symptoms and DS3 angry and aggressive. It will only get worse. If you can't get out for yourself, do it for your DCs before he fucks them up to totally and they blame you for not protecting them (my brother did this to my mother).

You MUST consider what's in their best interests; they don't know because they are young. They will not miss the stress and tension, I promise you, and all the nasty stress symptoms will disappear. Best people I've spoken to are Women's Aid. I felt a bit lame calling them, but they are so supportive and will help you put a plan together and 'find the space' to leave. Don't listen to your Dad, you need to go because your shitty abusive husband is damaging your health and theirs.

Best of luck OP and make that call to Women's Aid - what have u got to lose?

hiow would you feel if a daughter of yours ended up with a man like this...how if your son treated his partner like his father does ?

This is a very good point.

You are currently teaching them that this is an acceptable way to be treated in a relationship, as you are staying. Likewise, you are saying to them it is ok to treat a partner the way H treats you.

I really have to go to bed. Good luck figuring everything out. I'm around most evenings, feel free to post direct questions or whatever you want to do :) x

This, the unknown is a terrifying place.

But your children will survive and they won't grow up copying your relationship.

Imagine being an old lady, children grown up, nothing has changed. He is retired and still moaning. You dread the grand kids making mess because he moans. You dd is married to a man who treats her the same way.

Change is positive, see it as a new chapter, a fresh start, exciting. Start tomorrow, seek advice. How much money would you have if you were to leave? You don't have to leave yet, just find out what you would have if you ever chose to. Knowledge is good.

Tis not this, bloody predictive!

Oh yes I agree with the money comment. Turn2us.org I think is the site. Just look it up. Go on Rightmove and browse cheap lets. I used to do this, it was my fantasy. We were sort of planning to move anyway so when he saw me on Rightmove it didn't matter.

You can always make a plan. The favourite activity of the procrastinator, because making a plan doesn't involve actually doing anything. In this case it's not a bad idea, because it means it's half done when you do decide you have to do it.

His personality is not a reaction to your behaviour. His reaction is his personality. Am going to hang on to this too!

12 maybe on the cusp . Yes it is! Ds is far less taken in by things than the other two...

Yes I really do not want my dc to think that it is normal for relationships to be so empty of affection.

Cambridge how old are your dc? Strangely, my middle dd is also showing signs of OCD (or rather definite OCD symptoms) and we are waiting for an appointment with our local CAMHS. My aunt has been saying that she (my dd) is carrying the strain of what is going on . How are you planning to leave?

Yes I do sometimes wonder 43 what we will / would both be like with each other once the kids have left home.

Thank you all so much for your thoughts, advice and sharing your stories. Thank you for your offer to speak again Bertie. I too go through phases of fantasizing on Rightmove!

Good night xx

I don't ever have to get over horrible things my DH says to me, simply because he never says horrible things to me. There are plenty of good men out there who would never say horrible things to the woman they're supposed to love and cherish.

Please love yourself a little bit more and get rid of that horrible man!

I have 3 DS, aged 12, 10 and 6. It's the eldest who has OCD symptoms, it happens mainly at bed time and includes hearing voices. I know it is caused by the strain of my relationship with DH and he is on waiting list for treatment, like your DD. He (DS) is going through puberty and clashing with his Dad a lot but whenever I defend him, DD has a million justifications for his appalling behaviour. I am haunted by the story of my SIL's sister; she took 4 years to get away and her 14 year old daughter now has severe depression, self-harms and had to be sectioned last Xmas. All triggered by her narcissistic father's shitty behaviour. I don't want that for my DS and that's why I have to go now. DS has also started noticing the way I'm being treated and telling me it 'could be abuse' based on PSHE lessons at school, I think. I'm also extremely worried he could emulate his fathers behaviour one day; he has no other male role model after all. If my DS behaved the way my DH behaves to a future wife/ girlfriend I would be furious and tell her to run for the hills.

I don't know how I'm going to leave yet. Last year I got a PT job and that's really boosted my self esteem. I'm seeing a solicitor today, one who specialises in abusive men, and I'm seeing Women's Aid again next week to 'make my plan'. Last year when i got rid of him for 3 months, I didn't realise how manipulative he'd be; anger, suicide threats, threats to cut contact with the DCs. I didn't have enough resilience to cope with it and took him back, so this time I'm making sure I have a plan and lots of support. I'll also have to go NC, to avoid the abuse via text I got last time. It's much harder to leave than anyone realises, but as soon as he was gone the DCs were all so much better. My youngest one cried and missed him, but he didn't really understand what was happening and is much more anxious now. Also, he has been hit twice by DH, hard enough to leave a handprint on his leg and that's just so wrong it makes me angry to type it

Hope you get enough strength to leave; remember, it's about what's best for you and DCs. Try to call Women's Aid. I think that, like me, you need someone independent to tell you it's abuse and that no one deserves the treatment you're getting, however untidy.

BTW, I have lots of 'faults' too many to mention here, but it's just a way to put me down

Thanks for your posts aurynne and cambridge, will reply properly later cambridge as am going on the school picnic this morning and this afternoon. What happens at our house is more low level I think. It is mainly the constant silence/strain between h and I which must be really unsettling, coupled with how unhappy we must both come across to the dc. And h's short temper which erupts sometimes (and which I hate). He clashes with ds (12) sometimes but is very close to the other two. It does make me sad that they think a strained / distant relationship is the norm though .

Tis - you do know that you could run a sparkling palace, curtsey to him in your pinny every day, be the complete Stepford Wife, a perfect shopping shopping automaton - and he would still find something to complain and moan about?

He dislikes you; who knows why. Who cares? Now you know he disrespects and dislikes you, you should be trying to find a way to get away from him. He will never like you, no matter what you do to try to make him like you.

Good luck Cambridge!

"But why does he hate me? And if he does, why doesn't he talk to me about the possibility of separating?"

He hates you because he sees you as something contemptible. He knows that, by keeping you distressed, you blame yourself rather than him. He knows you'll try a bit harder and be easier to control. Every time this happens, you attract more of his contempt.

He will start clashing with the others too soon enough. You would all be better off with some distance, them with a safe place to retreat to (your home) if he tries his sulking and silence on them.

Incidentally you mentioned that he is away this week, have you noticed any change in their behaviour, mood or body language when he's not around?

Sorry to sound a bit repetitive and dim, but why does he see me as contemptible? Is that just his style of personality?

Re. The dc, I think the younger two miss him and my ds carries on with what he has to do regardless.

I agree re. h finding something to moan about but the house is in real disarray almost as if it were a reflection of my internal landscape so that is stressful for the dc. Also my dd's OCD is very noticeable at the moment so that is the main thing that is coming across.

I do think that with h it is all about not seeming weak, but why is that such an issue for people like him? His Dad was an alcoholic and left when he was 15 so I am guessing that has had an effect.

Sorry to sound a bit repetitive and dim, but why does he see me as contemptible? Is that just his style of personality?

Re. The dc, I think the younger two miss him and my ds carries on with what he has to do regardless.

I agree re. h finding something to moan about but the house is in real disarray almost as if it were a reflection of my internal landscape so that is stressful for the dc. Also my dd's OCD is very noticeable at the moment so that is the main thing that is coming across.

I do think that with h it is all about not seeming weak, but why is that such an issue for people like him? His Dad was an alcoholic and left when he was 15 so I am guessing that has had an effect.

he sees you as contemptible because he isn't very nice. It is not your fault and nothing you could have done could change that. Maybe he hates women, maybe he saw his father treat his mother with the same lack of love and respect - who knows or cares. It is not your problem. Stop using his poor childhood as an excuse.

You may think the dc will hate him - in my experience they will breathe a huge sigh of relief and will blossom when they are away from his domineering behaviour in the home.

• DC miss him not hate - sorry!

I was never told I was lazy as he never did any cleaning he did cook though and everybody would say how lucky are you.

lucky I wasnt so lucky under all the smiles and jokes was a nasty, controlling, mentally abusive arse.
Took me years to see the truth.
I ended up seeming cold, distant and unloving all those things were true.

I used to walk into the house and it was like a light was switched off and I became a different person.
4 weeks ago I left and my spark came back full time and I dont think there has been an hour go past that I havent smiled.
I dont miss him I dont feel anger or sadness I just feel relief and a huge sense of satisfaction and respect in myself.

Or your dcs will miss him because they are so used to see him at home but will also feel VERY relieve that the tension has gone, that their mum is smiling again, that the pressure to take everything perfect isn't there anymore. You might find that your dd OCD is calming down. You might find that your dcs are just happier, more relaxed (anybody them who have tummy aches or headaches too by any chance? All rings of stress in children).
For children to be happy, they need their mum to be happy too.

As for why he is acting like this, why is he not leaving if he is miserable? So many possible answers. One of them might've that he is unhappy but raging at you is a way to lessen his responsibility of the situation and feel better. He might find pleasure in putting you down (she is less than nothing therefore I am better and good), feeling better by controlling you. Who knows? But whatever the reasons, they have nothing up do with you!!!

One last word re tidying. I see what you are saying re the fact it would be better if the bedrooms were better organised. BUT if you do that, do it for yourself, do it for the dcs but not got him it on the hope he will be a nicer person. Never do things in the hope that it will make someone be nice to you.

Please contact Womens Aid.
That's how you get out.
You can discuss an exit plan with them.
Contact CAB and see what you would be entitled to make sure you know all your options.
To start with though - Womens Aid.
They help you to realise this is abuse and you DON'T have to put up with it!
But I'm sure you've been told this before and probably didn't act on it.
Time to do so now. It's rubbing off on your DC and you need to protect them from this. You could choose to put up with this IF you were on your own. You are NOT. You have a responsibility here!
Get out now for your own and sake and most of all your DC sake.

But the reality of having to be apart from my dc for half the week is really frightening. And this odd jealousy that there is a whole section of their life I would not be part of at all. Not knowing where I would live or how h and I would manage co-parenting etc

I just want to addres this fear. It was a reason why I hesitated to leave exH too. And the co-parenting has been damn hard.

BUT the quality of my relationship with my dd improved so much once I left. Because I was no longer ground-down, constantly upset and distracted by my own misery, I was able to develop such a care-free and joyous relationship with her. When we're together, the fact that we're away from my H means I can concentrate on her - I'm not constantly braced for an attack from him. I've given her a peaceful home instead of one that rings with insults and anxiety. You know what it's like when you enter a room and you just know there has been a nasty argument - you can see it in people's postures and you can feel the air humming with it. Why would you bring children up in such a polluted environment when you have another choice?

Oh, and if it hasn't been said so far, read Lundy Bancroft "Why does he do that?" To answer your question about why he doesn't leave if he doesn't like you and is miserable, the answer is that actually it makes him good to put you down. It's a nice little relief from tension for him.

Watch him carefully the next time he rages at you. Towards the end, is there a hint of satisfaction, even jauntiness as he walks off?

The ocd could also be related - it could be that she is picking up that you are anxious about the disorganisation - believing it is this which is making hin unpleasant - she could have picked up this belief too very easily even if you've never discussed it in front of her. Children watch how we act, they pick up on tone of voice or silence. She might even be unconsciously copying you. You are probably displaying behaviour very similar to ocd, because you believe that if you can just get x or y under control, he might turn around. OCD doesn't mean that you have a perfect house, it just means that there is a certain level of anxiety over control, and often an irrational belief that controlling one thing or several things is going to affect another thing which is usually something that is way out of the sufferer's control. If she has picked up that you believe his behaviour is affected by how clean or organised you keep certain areas of the house then it's quite possible that this is related to that belief and hence by rejecting that idea, letting go of that imagined control, accepting that you cannot control his behaviour, only he can, you may help her to be able to let go of these kinds of ideas as well. Even if she was naturally inclined to it, this kind of environment is not conducive to her learning to cope with it better.

I am NOT saying this is your fault in any way or that you have somehow caused the ocd, just that this whole set up and environment cannot be helpful to her while she is suffering from a condition which tells her very strongly that she must always be in control, even over things none of us can ever control.