How to get over the horrible things your partner says to you

[tisrainingagain]

Yesterday h told me that I have been lazy for 20 years (actually been together for 18 years but you get the gist). I am supposed to be clearing the dcs' rooms (which are messy) to prove that I care, but can't find the energy to get past h's sulking and being called lazy.

Was trying to tell h that he or our relationship makes me feel anxious and depressed which is one of the reasons some things don't get done, but he wasn't having any of it.

So h has gone away until Friday evening, how do I stop ruminating over being called lazy etc... and get on with stuff I need to do.

Get rid of him!! My ex-husband was exactly like that and it made me anxious and stressed and depressed and I ended up in a vicious circle and even started blaming myself for his behaviour. 2 years ago I finally had the guts to say Bye Bye (met and fell in love with someone else actually) and I'm now happy! New partner doesn't say nasty things to me and I finally understand what a healthy, happy relationship feels like!

Thanks for all your answers. Will write more when my dc have gone to bed but wanted to ask you bertiebotts what you mean by withdrawal?

It's very hard to leave an abusive relationship. It is very much like an addiction. Your emotions are all over the place. You don't know how to do normal things like eat, sleep, cry. Contact with them is double edged, it's terrifying, but it makes you miss them. They are promising things beyond what they have ever promised before, and they sound genuine. You don't miss the bad times but you miss all of the potential and what you imagined for the relationship. Often they transform back into the person you thought you met. It's hard to believe that they are still the nasty person who you left.

I weighed just under six stone when I left my ex, when I sat in the bath it hurt because I had so little padding on my bones. It took me a really long time to rediscover feelings, because I had numbed everything down for a long time. It was odd. I used to push DS in his pram to the video shop and rent films and then watch them and be really overcome by whatever the emotion was - happiness or sadness or whatever. I still have a tendency to hole away and hide and not feel anything if anything gets hard, it's a defence mechanism.

It takes a woman on average seven attempts to leave an abusive partner. Seven. And many leave after one or two. God knows how many times some people try. It's hard, don't underestimate it, but it is SO unbelievably worth it.

Yes ditch him...people who care about you don't hurt or insult you.

Thanks again for all your messages.

Leaving aside h's general rudeness and lack of empathy (and endless sulking ) for the moment, I am very disorganised and I am sure this is impacting negatively on the dc, so if only for that reason, I should clear their rooms of extra stuff that I have dumped there because I am not quite sure where it should go... It's about finding the energy to do this when I spend so much of my time being upset by the state of things between h and I.

I was upset earlier because he rang and spoke to the dc only (which is totally normal for how we are together at the moment, ie. very distant and at constant loggerheads), but being away from him does give me the opportunity to feel more positive about stuff as he is not here spreading his negativity (though I still feel constantly anxious at how rejected I feel).

So much to sort out but feeling disliked does really add a weight to your shoulders .

If I can manage to become more organised and tidier (as this is an issue of mine) as well as contribute more to one or two things he would like me to contribute more to, and he is still a. sulky b. rude c. totally unaffectionate and d. totally uncommunicative, then I know what I have to do (still very hard to do though given that we have 3 dc aged 8, 10 and 12).

Oops missed the last two posts, am going to read them now...

Dear God. Where to start ?

Dear God. Where to start ?

Yes loving, I often feel hurt.

Bertie, did you feel rejected and hurt by your partner and wish that they "liked" you? This is how I feel - jealous of my dc and how much affection h shows them.

When I told him that I need friendship and kindness yesterday, he told me that he is not my mother . While I recognise that I may be too needy in that I don't work and feel sort of pointless and a bit bored a lot of the time - I still think he may have missed the point!

Sorry about what happened to you Bertie .

I know what you are saying AF, but if I call h's bluff and organise the house properly so that the dc are then (for example) able to put away their own stuff more easily, I would probably feel a lot better, and h's age old excuse for why he can be so difficult, would have no ground to stand on.

I told him repeatedly yesterday that nothing is ever good enough for him, so he is aware of how I feel (though what this means in reality I don't know because he tends to be very much at the centre of his own world).

But look, I am ridiculously disorganised to the point that I forget to pay really important bills, have booked non-refundable flights twice and I had fucking Social Services briefly involved and unannounced Health Visitor visits and was banned from being a breastfeeding support worker (yeah can totally see THAT logic!) because my house was in such a state but you know, it is really not helping to be with someone who is constantly putting you down and pissing all over you about it. I'm serious, I was a total mess with XP, I was a disaster zone directly afterwards, I am much better now. OK don't get me wrong, I am still working up to being able to invite people over because my fear that people will see my house (which is probably fine, BTW) and they will know and they will take my DS away, and my reluctance to clean up in general is still strong, but who knows. What if I had stayed with him and it had never got better?

You've already identified that you could get more control over your life more easily (and fuck perfection, it's not attainable, it's okay for the housework and organisation not to be your highest priority, y'know) IF you didn't have his weight dragging you down. So what is keeping you there?

He is going to continue to be an arse even if you transform into a domestic goddess. He just is. I think that my actual lovely husband has probably uttered the word "lazy" to me on occasion in frustration but he is supportive. The difference is he knows I am lazy and he doesn't care. He accepts me like this. He gets annoyed when I leave a hurricane in the kitchen but he doesn't get mad, he just asks me if I could please clean it when I get a second. That is what your DH would be like if he was kind, communicative and affectionate. He is not therefore he is not going to magically transform into someone who is, just because you tidied up.

What would it take for you to leave him OP? What would be the straw-that-breaks-the-camels-back moment?

I found it useful to identify that moment when I was planning on leaving an abusive ex. It was feeling threatened and belittled. When I actually thought about it, that was everyday.

Took me four days to pluck up the courage to kick him out after that epiphany.

You cannot manage your relationship from an abusive into a respectful one

This man hates you. Can't you see that ?

a tidy house won't change him - why are you blaming his behaviour on your lack of organisation? Just an excuse to cling onto he wreckage of your relationship?

did you feel rejected and hurt by your partner and wish that they "liked" you?

Yes of course. It's basic - surely the baseline of a relationship - for your partner to like you. You stick around for too long and you start to feel unlikeable by anybody. If even your husband doesn't like you, what is the point? I didn't get jealousy over the DC but DS was only a year when I left and he was never particularly interested in him anyway, just on the surface, he was more interested in dressing him up and making him do things, I have videos which are just XP saying "Look at me! Look at the camera! Ddddddd-Sssssssss! Look at Daddy!" while DS plays happily and unaware doing his normal adorable baby thing.

In fact, not in frustration. Never in frustration. In jest, yes. In frank discussions about stuff, yes. But not in a mean way and not in anger. He doesn't resent part of who I am.

Its, why do you want to be with this man?

You know when you get that feeling of dread when you hear his key turn in the lock? Well life doesn't have to be like that. Next time you get that feeling, when you hear him arrive home, think to yourself I do not have to have this feeling.

Life can be amazing. You deserve a fantastic life. Xx

That is what your DH would be like if he was kind, communicative and affectionate. He is not therefore he is not going to magically transform into someone who is, just because you tidied up. You are probably right but in a way I will only know when I have done certain things. You are right about perfection though as h complains about stuff even when I think I have done loads . This happens especially at the weekends (rather than the week - he is more mellow then as he is working which in a sense is his comfort zone) and used to be (he does it less now apart from a recent complaint about the lemons I hadn't got) about items of shopping I hadn't got . It still makes me very angry to think about it.

This man hates you. Can't you see that ? But why does he hate me ? And if he does, why doesn't he talk to me about the possibility of separating? He is certainly not very happy. He works very hard and feels that I do not pull my weight... Maybe there is some truth to this but I resent the fact that he owns everything and, in the end, makes the decisions he wants to make...

He feels very shamed by me I think because he knows that I speak about him to people like my Aunt and on here! He is very defensive and has had some difficult experiences in life which probably contribute to how mistrusting he is. Anyway could ramble on for ages.

The thought of leaving is terrifying. Especially the not being with or available to my dc all the time. Not knowing how traumatic the divorce would be etc...

Re. the straw that breaks the camel's back, in a way there have been many. Temper outbursts or rudeness where I have thought right, that's it... But the reality of having to be apart from my dc for half the week is really frightening. And this odd jealousy that there is a whole section of their life I would not be part of at all. Not knowing where I would live or how h and I would manage co-parenting etc.. etc... Also I really should sort out some work before taking the leap into the unknown.

Life can be amazing. You deserve a fantastic life. Xx Thanks, am going to hold on to that thought.

And I really would like never to have a knot in my stomach again!!

he doesn't separate from you because he is an inadequate fuck who needs someone to wipe his feet on to remind him what a Big Man he is

you will do

your DC's wouldn't be with him half the week if you split

the usual pattern is every other weekend and one night in the week if it fits the kids schedule

you are the main carer...he works full time, what is best for the children will be the priority

But they would really miss him (especially the my two dds) and would want to see him more. Basically there isn't an easy way of looking at this.

you will do, in a way that helps to de-personalise the unpleasantness...

You are probably right but in a way I will only know when I have done certain things.

Why? Do you believe in magic? Because that's not logic you're using. I repeat. He has shown you who he is. His personality is not a reaction to your behaviour. His reaction is his personality. Somebody else would react in a different way. He is still going to have this personality when you are "better" or whatever other solution you think you have found. None have worked before! Because it is not you. It is he who is the problem, and the problem will remain for as long as he is there.

He will only be happy if you are a performing monkey, who runs when he clicks his fingers. That does not involve you having a life, or relaxing, or being you. He wants a robot or a puppet on a string. This is not a life! In time, he will stop adoring the DC as well and start expecting them to be his performing monkeys also. They are young enough to still adore him unquestioningly. 12 maybe on the cusp.

I think they would miss him less than you think they would. I also think that you're using this because it's an easy and convenient excuse, and it means that you don't need to look at your own fear, which is real and valid and totally understandable. But you need to look at it.