Husband been visiting dominatrix

[Flowerseller]

Hi, I really need some advice as I can't talk to anyone else about this. I have just found out that my Husband started visiting dominatrix a year ago. I found out by accident as he lied to me about where he was going(said he was going on a course with work but it didn't seem to ring true). I confronted him and he admitted everything. He has apparently visited more than one and they never offer sex, I have looked into this and they don't actually have sex with their clients. It's the fact that he had to go somewhere else to get something he obviously thought he couldn't get from me.
To make matters worse I looked at his emails(Which I have never done before and felt really guilty about) but I just didn't feel as though I could trust him. I found some emails from one of the ' Dommes' who had put him on a long distance regime, which entailed him masturbating twice daily for her and to send pictures as proof. This devastated me, the thought that he was doing this because another woman had told him to has completely crushed me and feels like cheating.
He broke down and said he went too far down a path he shouldn't have done and he has promised to stop all contact with them and want to work on our marriage and building my trust again.
I'm sorry this is such a long post but everything has just spilled out I have kept it bottled up for days and don't know what to do.
Any advice is welcome
Thanks

Amazing how men keep showing up to this thread over the course of YEARS to tell women how it's really not so bad at all if they visit a dominatrix.

Well, I've been a pro domme, and let me tell you: MANY of those men are paying extra tips, they're stealing money from family accounts and savings to pay for their little "hobbies," and often buying their pro domme the nice things their wives would kill to see a fragment of.

I wouldn't touch a man who would engage with the sex industry, and that definitely includes the BDSM part, because most pro dommes are extremely skilled in getting men to give them more and more money until they have very little left to give.

I cannot imagine the poor wife of the man who posted in this zombie thread a man who obviously Googled about wives looking for advice about dominatrices to find this thread being asked to pay for a dominatrix visit for her husband's birthday. If she does it to be the cool wife, or because she's terrified that if she doesn't, he'll sneak around behind her back and it'll happen anyway, I hope she knows she's being taken advantage of. I hope she knows there are men out there who aren't like this.

Excellent post womb

Richard you're in denial. Hope the wife is also looking for a real man. God knows I would be.

It's grim. So sorry flowerseller.

A complete deal breaker as far as I am concerned, thanks to a) the deceit b) the sexual contact and c) I'd never be able to feel quite the same way about him again.

The only thing to bear in mind here, before packing his bags, is it at all possible, that if he has been spending long periods in the North Sea, he's become addicted to internet porn?

There are some people who start off on the 'soft stuff' and then gradually get sucked into the whole BDSM thing. He may have always had a secret fantasy (like some of us often do) which has then been reinforced by constant exposure to it on the net. There's quite a bit of research out there suggesting that repeated online porn exposure can, for want of a better word, 'rewire' your brain meaning that you can only get off one particular way and that you need stronger and stronger stimulation to keep that dopamine level up. At some point it then crosses a level and needs to be taken into RL. I think the net can be extremely dangerous for reinforcing and fueling fantasies, that most of us would have at one stage, happily kept private and not needed to act out. Friend of mine is a senior copper of 30 years and claims that there isn't a single violent murder or rape of a woman in which the offender has not been found to be in possession of a huge amount of porn.

Not suggesting that your DH is some sort of potential attacker, but that he might have an out of control addiction which has crossed a threshold. That is a feasible explanation, but if that's the case then he is going to need to seek treatment for it and actually want to be clean. At risk of being flamed, while a significant proportion of men and women do have a thing about being sexually dominated, going to these types of extremes is not a healthy manifestation of normal sexual relations. Sorry.

Oops sorry Zombie thread. Sorry, new to MN.

That is a terrible betrayal and there needs to be some form of punishment, I wouldn't recommend spanking him though....

Seriously, when is MN going to lock old threads?
Has anyone ever seen a zombie thread resurrected (on the R'ships board) that had ANYTHING useful added? It's always crap posts from men who are telling women that their DP isn't doing anything wrong using sex workers, or telling us about their perversions or fucking witch doctors to pay to get your ex back!
Rant over.

He's lied to you - do you want to be with a partner who's proven to have done that about something like this?

I agree with some of what others have said about spending money. Selling sex/BDSM isn't illegal and though there are people who do sex work with few other options/who are being exploited, people who are professional tops in a BDSM sense are unlikely to be amongst them. It takes a reasonable amount of resources to either maintain space suitable for play in your home (and many sex workers, whether dealing with BDSM or more vanilla types of sex wouldn't have clients in their homes) or to be able to hire suitable spaces for play.

If he's spent £x on this person, what has that stopped you buying - either as a whole household or specifically on things for you?

I'm bristling a bit at seeing his interest in BDSM being described as a 'need', as if he 'can't help himself' from going to get it, because he 'needs' it. It's no more a need than any other sort of sex might be. [and getting enough of the sort of sex you want might be a deal breaker for entering/staying in a particular relationship, but it doesn't entitle you to force sex on your partner or to break relationship agreements to go and get it].

It might be that for him, he will decide getting to do BDSM is important enough to him to want to end his relationship with you.

It might be that you two decide to explore BDSM together and you reach an agreement whereby he's content with the intimacy within your relationship.

Or, it might be you can negotiate a degree of non-monogamy and encourage him to continue seeing this person [might be good for you to meet her - real life people are much less scary than the imaginary versions of them that live in our heads] whilst continuing in your relationship, but there's still the issue that this started off with him lying and seemingly with him using a disproportionate amount of money on this, compared with what was available to you for fun things.

The OP posted this over 2 years ago.

Wtf did I just read?

I don't agree with those saying that this man is seeing a prostitute to satisfy his 'needs'. In my mind he is indulging himself at the expense of his family. He doesn't 'need' to do this.

My husband who loves me a lot has a strong bdsm and sexual dominant desire which has to fulfill by a sexual partner who acts as his slave in bdsm...He has always been into bdsm and always used to tell me he loves me to death but he cannot satisfy himself sexually with standard sex alone . And he really needs to have a bdsm session once in a while with some one but not me, he believes he cannot do those horrible things. He does to a slave to me..because he cannot disrespect me..he knows i do not like bdsm and also knows that he cannot live without bdsm,,he doesnt know what do do either stop bdsm and have dissatisfavtion for ever or continue having bdsm and make me worried ,, how should i deal with him,,who is so honest and loving and caring but with this bdsm which is so severe he cannot do on me,

Your husband is a sex creep and you have low self esteem, Mehrbod. HTH.

Eugh, just yuck, I wish women would stop allowing men to treat them like crap under the guise of they have to have this fetish satisfied or some other kink, it's just an excuse to cheat, and of course it's about sex, what else is it then?

Why would you even want to be with a man that was disrespecting you to this extent, it's just vile.

Bdsm is not like oxygen or water

He will not die without it

He simply wants to have different sexual experiences with other women

What a number he has done on you. It would be kinder of him to accept you are not suited sexually, leave you and let you find someone who will remain faithful to you.

So sorry about this op

A dominatrix just by the very nature of her job, couldn't be forced in to anything yet alone sex against her will professionally that is.

Your dh has a need to see these women for a reason, his offering to stop seeing them doesn't stop his reason for needing it.

Being an Domme myself in a previous life, I'de venture to say that his relationship with them is very intimate indeed, more so than his having casual sex with a woman. Yes He would have been intimately touched even in some extreme ways depending on what he is in to.

Visiting a Dominatrix can be costly not only monetarily wise, better check any Amazon accounts for wish lists you dont recognise and or purchases. Also check any PayPal accounts.

Does he do a particularly stressful job? Does he manage a large team or is quite senior, often find these types need to be humiliated or dominated. It can their way of destressing and given up control for a while.

Somehow there needs to be a very frank conversation about what he feels his needs are and how she was meeting them, and you may have to sit there and listen to him, if you think you can.

If he doesn't know why it might be that he really doesn't, these reasons are often very buried in the unconscious and go back to childhood, something small like being smacked on the bum once can be a trigger for a life long need.

Either way you don't have to meet his need, you only have to look after yourself and any dc

So sorry lovely

I would really like to speak with Flowerseller who posted her story ! I'm in a mess my partner of 15 years has been doing the same !! What did this lady do in the end !

Guilty pleasure
Can I ask would you ever visit someone's home knowing that a family live there and be recorded this is what my partners done ! With same women for several year I found the recordings , what the hell do I do now , mess my life up by staying or pack my bags and run with nothing and broken hearted ! You know these men , do they ever stop

Sounds fairly outrageous. Whilst LTB gets trotted out far, far too often on here, this does seem more or less cut and dried to me?

Bunny
What a horrible thing to find out. I don't know what happened to OP, but you might have more responses and advice starting your own thread, if you haven't already done so. Good luck.

As there have been some unwelcome posters from UKPunters writing fake posts in a very specific style, and this is a zombie post regenerated by a possible first time poster, I'd advise other posters genuinely offering to support just to hold off and report until it's clarified.

ZOMBIE THREAD

and DUBIOUS posters