Husband been visiting dominatrix

[Flowerseller]

Hi, I really need some advice as I can't talk to anyone else about this. I have just found out that my Husband started visiting dominatrix a year ago. I found out by accident as he lied to me about where he was going(said he was going on a course with work but it didn't seem to ring true). I confronted him and he admitted everything. He has apparently visited more than one and they never offer sex, I have looked into this and they don't actually have sex with their clients. It's the fact that he had to go somewhere else to get something he obviously thought he couldn't get from me.
To make matters worse I looked at his emails(Which I have never done before and felt really guilty about) but I just didn't feel as though I could trust him. I found some emails from one of the ' Dommes' who had put him on a long distance regime, which entailed him masturbating twice daily for her and to send pictures as proof. This devastated me, the thought that he was doing this because another woman had told him to has completely crushed me and feels like cheating.
He broke down and said he went too far down a path he shouldn't have done and he has promised to stop all contact with them and want to work on our marriage and building my trust again.
I'm sorry this is such a long post but everything has just spilled out I have kept it bottled up for days and don't know what to do.
Any advice is welcome
Thanks

vas the scene isn't grubby, unlike some of your posts, alas. I also suggest that you don't know much about it if you think the Dom/me controls the encounter, or if you are unaware of the misogynist illusion inherent in F/M couplings.

Mumsnet is considered by many women to be a safe space to share experiences and thoughts away from the rest of the male-dominated internet. If OP had wanted a sub male's perspective, there are a hundred places she could have looked. But she came here, to ask a cross-section of other women what our reactions and plans would be.

Overwhelmingly there has been no judgement of his interest in BDSM, whatever you might have inferred, but only of his secrecy, and of his seeking sexual gratification (repeated masturbation for the Domme) outside his marriage.

So really in every way your stories are unwelcome and unhelpful.

vas the scene isn't grubby, unlike some of your posts, alas. I also suggest that you don't know much about it if you think the Dom/me controls the encounter, or if you are unaware of the misogynist illusion inherent in F/M couplings.

Mumsnet is considered by many women to be a safe space to share experiences and thoughts away from the rest of the male-dominated internet. If OP had wanted a sub male's perspective, there are a hundred places she could have looked. But she came here, to ask a cross-section of other women what our reactions and plans would be.

Overwhelmingly there has been no judgement of his interest in BDSM, whatever you might have inferred, but only of his secrecy, and of his seeking sexual gratification (repeated masturbation for the Domme) outside his marriage.

So really in every way your stories are unwelcome and unhelpful.

my phone loved my post so much it sent it twice - fucker.

OP. Your husband has been using doms. Paying for them. Masturbating twice a day for them and sending photos. What else is he keeping a secret.

He also tells you all this then asks you to be a dom. Which is quite frankly taking advantage of the fact your head will be a mess right now.

How will you ever trust him again. What happens if you give being a dom a go and dislike it. Will you be thinking he is getting his needs met elsewhere. Because I don't believe he will stop. Sorry.

He has lied to you. Disrespected you. Taken money to support this from the family fund. And expects you to consider being a dom for you. Not the actions of a good man.

Just came in to add one small thing in response to Vas.

The scene is far from being grubby and one of the cardinal tenets of the fetish scene is consent.

All parties involved must give consent to the activities being taken part in. How can anyone give consent if they aren't even aware? That breaks 'riles' regarding consent and if anything, the person concealing pertinent information is considered grubby.

**Rules - stupid phone.

Vas, how did your wife react. Are you still together and how is your relationship now?

All that vitriol on Flowerseller's behalf, and she comes back with a sensible question.

Well done Flowerseller.

Vas is suffering from a superiority and self-righteous complex. He has been completely stumped by the lack of deference shown to his wise insights and brilliant show of knowledge.

Vas is doing everyone here a favour and he simply cannot understand why we are so stupid as to not recognise and appreciate this.

Sorry Vas, you lack self-awareness and do come across as an unbearable idiot. The insults are warranted (believe it or not). Your condescension is nauseating and at the same time laughable.

Hi Flowerseller,
I have been separated from my not so 'D' H for 3 months and he has moved out three weeks now, I posted on here a lot over the last few months and everyone was kind enough to reply to me so I thought I would share my story in case it helps you. We have 2 young DC's and he has a teenage DD from a previous relationship.
I discovered texts on his phones from a woman, after he had a history of texting other women, I would every so often check his phone and found them, like making appointments type conversations. I asked him about it and he came up with some BS that it was someone he worked with, I didn't believe him so I googled the number and found an escort site, an expensive one, when I am scraping around for shopping budget all the time and our joint account was overdrawn.
I confronted him again and he said he was just 'investigating' for kicks that would have been done deal for me but as we had the children I wanted to make sure that I was finishing this relationship for enough of a reason for me personally to hold my head up about.
He moved into spare room and moved out to hotels and back several time, I couldn't be in the same room at him, it was tough and I know now that it was tough on the children, again some people can co-habit, I can't!
So after 4 months when things were no further forward and he wasn't making any particular efforts for anything I sat at the computer typed in the website for his bank account and told him to enter his password or leave now, he refused and told me he would print the statements out, after a week nothing so again I told him enter the password or leave. He then admitted he had been to see a prostitute regularly over the last year but never had full sex so that was OK wasn't it (after I picked myself off the floor with laughter) I told him to find somewhere else to live as we were separated. He said 'that's your choice I don't want to go' and he still sees it and tells everyone that the break up is a joint decision and we weren't getting on etc which drives me crazy but I'm going to keep quiet unless to people I care about who I want to share with.
Anyhow I just want to tell you that looking back over it I was shocked at what he did, the wasted money, the deceit, lies and total disrespect and also how he thinks I am being irresponsible to the children by splitting up. He is either insane or in denial I don't know which but this isn't the person I married and I'm convinced he now has a compulsion he will have for life. Whilst he was still living here persuading me we should stay together, he was on dating sites, sex sites, unconditional sex sites, you name it. The guy has changed and he is trying to find his next victim.
It was the right decision for me and even though its hard and I feel lonely sometimes, I am not lonely for him, I'm just glad i found out when I did instead of in ten years time.
I just wanted to tell you to hold your head high, confide in a trusted friend or family member if you feel you can and look after yourself, I have two wonderful brothers and lots of lovely male friends so I know that there is no need for any woman to put up with this if she doesn't want to. Look after yourself and think about what you're willing to live with not just now but long term.
Please PM me if you would like to chat.
Take care x

Sorry to hear that onionlove. What a good, helpful post.

I'm part of a fetish scene, and also in a loving relationship with a huge fetish dynamic. I can assure you that whatever mealy-mouthed excuses people may give themselves for going behind a partner's back, they are not well thought of by bdsm-ers.

BTW, the whole sub-has-all-the-power thing makes scene people roll their eyes. It's a power exchange. Plenty of people don't have safewords, and plenty are into dynamics rather than playscenes.

Thank you onionlove for sharing your story, I'm sorry for what you have been through and it has given me a lot to think about. Luckily I have a couple of weeks on my own to work through everything in my head before I see him again. Thanks for the support I don't feel like I can confide in anybody I know so I appreciate everyone who has taken the time to post advice.
Thanks x

Ultimately, he's putting his wants before your needs. You're less important to him than he is.

In my marriage, we put the other first.

Didn't OP say she was of a mind to try and work it out and move forward together?

Wheres all the MN supportive love?

Good luck OP.

Nothing wrong with fetishes, I have a few myself, but lying to a partner that theyre youre one and only partner and pretending that youre doing monogamy when youre spanking one off twice a day and doing a mistresses regime is complete bullshit and pretty frowned upon by most BDSMers

Your husband is an arse, and hes a cheater.

And btw, my lovely friend who is an ex domme always told people she never had sex with clients, but she did admit to me after a while that she actually did and that most do provide that service, along with pissing on them etc.

There's something tragic about a man masturbating twice daily because he's been told to do so by someone he paid to tell him to masturbate twice daily.

When he gets home I would let him think I had changed my mind and would tie him up and give him the fecking whippin' of his life!

Flower: my XH had fetishes and was a cross dresser. Sex always, always, always had to centre around the fetishes. It was very boring for me.

We had sex but never made love.

You have a difficult decision to make.

Hi Op. Firstly I'm so sorry that you are in this situation.

It really seems like you are being clouded by the Dom angle in this, and to be completely honest that really doesn't make any difference in what your husband has done. Doms are there to fulfill a sexual fetish - in that respect it's really no difference than your husband visiting prostitutes.

There is something pretty chilling about how your husband's mind works to be frank and here's why.

1. has been doing this for over a YEAR. He has kept this from you for an entire year of your marriage. Its not like he did it once and told you about it, distraught and full of regret. If you hadn't found out he would still be happily lying to your face.

2. he has been paying for sexual services, even been on a long distance sexual "regime" of masturbating whilst thinking of another woman. and then he has the gall, the fucking nerve to turn to you and say there was no intercourse, so it wasn't sexual and therefore no big deal. If he had been getting blow jobs for a year from another woman but no sex, would that be acceptable? Should it be your fault for not blowing him three times a day? Frankly this attitude alone would have me kicking him out for good.

He thinks that you are an idiot. Sorry, but if he expects you to accept this bullshit...

3. he has asked if you could replace his Dom (that's justifiable murder right there!) But he is just trying to weasel his way out of the shit he is in. If he was really committed to you and your marriage, he would have raised this before now. Maybe not come straight out with it, but slowly, and over the course of time, see if you were willing to introduce slightly more Dom elements into your sex life, and see how you react.

But he didn't do that, because he has a huge Madonna/whore fetish. You are the mother of his children. The safe, dependable wife. The woman who isn't going anywhere no matter what he does (which seems sadly true). The Dom is the whore - the exciting, unpredictable mistress he has to fight to keep every second they are together. Its a short term thrill which lasts a long time since it can end any second. No mundane daily chores, no boring arranging of kids appointments...

Your marriage will never provide that because that would be a shit marriage.

4. please do factor your self respect into all this. Can you trust this man after a full year of lies? After paying a woman to fulfill sexual desires that he didn't even tell you he had? you say you should stay together for the children. I see that trotted out a lot on Mumsnet, despite the posters who say that they were products of such a situation and it made them miserable. Miserable to see parents who clearly were unhappy.miserable to see their mother obviously filled with resentment and self hate for having to put up with her lot. And a fuck ton of pressure to somehow make it all worth them staying together.

My personal view is that "staying together for the kids" is often less about the kids and more about a fear of the unknown. Its often a convenient excuse. I'm not saying this is true in your situation, but you should think about what you would do if you had no children, and then do that. Having children does not switch off the part of your brain that regulates self respect.

Vas once paid a Dom for a beating. He's getting it for free here ladies! Maybe he's having the last laugh?

Speaking as someone with BDSM kinks, his feeling are unlikely change however serious he is about not hurting you. I hurt someone I loved in a similar manner as a young person, confused and very ashamed about my sexuality. His behaviour is not compatible with the about-town serial cheater who cares nothing for their partner's feelings but a 50s gay man in a lavender marriage. He has foolishly attempted to deal with this dichotomy by compartmentalising and hoping no-one will find out and get hurt.

I have been fairly open about my fetishes ever since I messed up without rubbing the noses of people who would find such activities distasteful. Role playing, dressing up and clubbing within relationships has worked for me and I have never strayed with pro-dommes while in a relationship.

That also means walking away from someone you have sparked up a connection with but I'd rather stay alone than living a lie or upsetting someone in an established relationship when they find out I've been pretending to be someone I'm not.

But deciding to hold your nose and playing along simply to pacify a partner's desires can install a feelings of guilt in a partner that they are being selfish by foisting their sexuality on a reluctant partner (especially if they genuinely love you).

Your husband isn't a bad person but is paying the price for his shadey actions. From what you have said he should do the decent thing and leave you before you throw him out, put his mistakes behind him and start again being more honest with himself. Unless of course you're game. The BDSM community are an easygoing and sane bunch on the whole.

Well this is a zombie thread!
Im also speaking as someone with kinks.
Me and DP like a few things such as I like being tied up, he likes pegging. I didn't know this but I brought it up, unbeknownst to me that he liked it. If I hadn't have brought it up, he'd have gotten it elsewhere. If he magically stopped being so vanilla and went to a dom, i'd go ballistic. I have the same kinks as a domme has. He would never go to one anyway.
He could have just talked to you, thats how you get to know people's kinks. my DP would have never told me his desire for assplay but I brought it up as a new thing to try. he was all for it and told me he's liked it for a long time. you don't go to dommes. you talk to your SOs/DWs whatever/whoever. -.-

you really do take every opportunity to tell us the ins and outs of how kinky you and your ass lovin' partner are, don't you crayola ?

why do you feel the need to repeatedly advertise it on a parenting website? Serious question.

You really have nothing to worry about. No professional dominatrix offers sex. I do not believe there is anything sexual about the experience. I would describe it as a sense of euphoria and relaxation when it is over. I am about to tell my partner that I intend to visit a local dominatrix for my birthday and I want it to be her present to me. I think if t was the other way around and your husband was spanking a female then there is clearly a sexual motive and it is a different issue.