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Original poster

Husband been visiting dominatrix

126 replies

Flowerseller · 14/07/2014 11:45

Hi, I really need some advice as I can't talk to anyone else about this. I have just found out that my Husband started visiting dominatrix a year ago. I found out by accident as he lied to me about where he was going(said he was going on a course with work but it didn't seem to ring true). I confronted him and he admitted everything. He has apparently visited more than one and they never offer sex, I have looked into this and they don't actually have sex with their clients. It's the fact that he had to go somewhere else to get something he obviously thought he couldn't get from me.
To make matters worse I looked at his emails(Which I have never done before and felt really guilty about) but I just didn't feel as though I could trust him. I found some emails from one of the ' Dommes' who had put him on a long distance regime, which entailed him masturbating twice daily for her and to send pictures as proof. This devastated me, the thought that he was doing this because another woman had told him to has completely crushed me and feels like cheating.
He broke down and said he went too far down a path he shouldn't have done and he has promised to stop all contact with them and want to work on our marriage and building my trust again.
I'm sorry this is such a long post but everything has just spilled out I have kept it bottled up for days and don't know what to do.
Any advice is welcome
Thanks

OP posts:
warysara · 14/07/2014 18:05

I don't think the men deliberately demean their wives, just that there is separation between the physical act of sex and the relationship that they have with their wife.

The problem is that they know that their wife wouldn't approve, would treat it as an act of cheating and do it anyway. So it is a lack of respect.

vasdefferins · 14/07/2014 18:06

First, drop the insults. They are meaningless to me. I have nothing to gain by telling you people this. I am trying to lessen Flowersellers burden. That is all.

Second, The details of my foolishness only seem to be fodder for your rage and hatreds. So I will just say I realized what I was doing and stopped it and came clean to my wife.

I only want to explain to Flowerseller that she did nothing wrong. You did not fail, you didnt 'miss anything', you were like my wife victimized. You see, the same thing that makes a dominatrix attractive to a masochist is the same thing that makes a wife unattractive. And that is cruelty. Be happy you do not possess this trait as while it may be desireable in the bedroom it most certainly is not in every day life.

Flowerseller, weigh your pros and cons of your mairrage. do not just throw it away over this as it is not unlike a wife who is married to an alcoholic. its a desire he has. He's not going to just forget it but you both have to realize that you may also not be able to fulfill it. You are fighting something that is really hard to fight and he may love you like nothing or no one else but cant stop.

But it is not your fault!

If any questions I would be happy to answer them for a brief period of time.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/07/2014 18:10

So wives should just stick by men because they have 'desires' they can't help ... like alcohol or prostitutes? Are you listening to yourself? Hmm

vasdefferins · 14/07/2014 18:10

But happy to get his rocks off with someone else
I never 'got my rocks off'.

vasdefferins · 14/07/2014 18:11

Gee vasdefferins... thanks for sharing your shitty behaviour. Your poor wife if you're the best she can do

Wow!
Insulted me and her! You must be a riot to live with!

vasdefferins · 14/07/2014 18:16

K, I have to go to work but will check in later today or tomorrow to answer civil questions. Just a thought before I go.. Maybe lots of you should look at your attitudes instead of judging mine.

vasdefferins · 14/07/2014 18:19

So wives should just stick by men because they have 'desires' they can't help ... like alcohol or prostitutes? Are you listening to yourself? hmm

No. I didnt say that. I do not have the cute little answer all wrapped up in a neat little package. I have no answer at all. Are you listening to yourself asking me if I'm listening to myself? lol

I'm simply telling you what my story was.

vasdefferins · 14/07/2014 18:20

it is a lack of respect.

Yes, yes it is. But you are not to blame.

vasdefferins · 14/07/2014 18:22

This thread is making me feel grubby and I'm only reading it.

stop reading it

if this makes you feel 'grubby', you reaaaally need to broaden your horizons.

vasdefferins · 14/07/2014 18:25

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

polkadotdelight · 14/07/2014 18:29

You know vas if you were trying to be clever with your user name you really should have double checked the spelling.

OP, I agree with the others and would consider it cheating. I'm so sorry.

vasdefferins · 14/07/2014 18:35

then one pops up to tell us that its all quite OK

Show me where I said that? This seems to be a recurrant belief you ladys have. Its not ok. Get past your anger to see that there are men out there that know that and you will grow.

I can't wait for the rest
There is no more I can say thats being considered for thought or discussion.

if anything is going to make Op decide to kick her arsehole of a husband into touch, it's not going to be us angry mummies

Exactly. Consider, If you ladys are half as nasty with your husbands as you are being with me, why wouldnt he be able to justify fooling around in his mind?

Vas Has however just made a beautiful case for just how little men who pay for sexual services think of their wives whilst doing so.
Did you even read my post

Men who pay for sex have a certain mindset. It can't be changed
Bullshit. its dependant on what each man is looking for which can be as varied as the snowflakes in the winter. Saying it cant be changed is weak and untrue.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/07/2014 18:36

I have a feeling the OP is going to get a lot of excuses like ones listed above in the very near future, if they haven't already. As women I often think we have no real concept just how much men despise us.

Backinthering · 14/07/2014 18:36

Vas-person, what a load of absolute shite. I have friends involved in the fetish scene and they are certainly not cruel-natured people, far from it.
if you're going to attempt to patronise people at least try and have a clue about what you're on about.

Backinthering · 14/07/2014 18:37

Actually I've worked you out. Yet another tedious madonna/whore complex.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/07/2014 18:38

"If you ladys are half as nasty with your husbands as you are being with me, why wouldnt he be able to justify fooling around in his mind?"

So how nasty was your DW to you for you to justify fooling around? Oh wait.... she's not.... Hmm Do try to keep up.

vasdefferins · 14/07/2014 18:38

You know vas if you were trying to be clever with your user name you really should have double checked the spelling.

Trivial. Just another dig. To bad. You ladys lost a real good opportunity to look at things from the other side and all you could come up with was insults and accusations. I expected more I guess.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/07/2014 18:40

Sorry to have disappointed you but this is a support group not a forum for misogynistic apologists... Shut the door on your way out

AnyFucker · 14/07/2014 18:45

As women I often think we have no real concept just how much men despise us.

Yup

WallyBantersJunkBox · 14/07/2014 18:45

Anyhow, moving on...

I think what riles me about your posts op is the way he seamlessly moved from "paying for spanks and wanks" to "how would you feel about doing it?" was there any interlude to allow you time to process any of this infidelity before he popped the notion of guilt in your head?

Very kind of him to take his dirty problem elsewhere and not bother you with it.

If you do want to save this marriage, and you simply can't involve yourself in the fetish of his choice how will you ever get the niggles out of your head? It would be present every time you had sex.

I dated a man who could only orgasm around gloves and fantasies about being kidnapped/chloroformed. He was upfront about it, and apart from this was quite a nice guy. I am open minded so I gave it a go.

The problem was, this was the only focus for him sexually, he wasn't interested in any other exploration, swinging off chandeliers, hot tubs, beaches on holiday etc. It all had to involve a very specific format. And you know what? It was fcking boring. And people call non-fetish folks vanilla. I had to end it, by the end of the relationship I used to get far too much pleasure out of ramming a gag ball in his mouth and fcking off to watch Coronation Street.

vasdefferins · 14/07/2014 18:46

I often think we have no real concept just how much men despise us
Do you realize domination puts the woman above the man? He is in a completly helpless situation that demands the ultimate of trust and understanding. Why in the world would a sub guy let a woman dom him if he thought she thinks he despises him?
Respectfully, You do not understand this.

Vas-person, what a load of absolute shite. I have friends involved in the fetish scene and they are certainly not cruel-natured people, far from it.
if you're going to attempt to patronise people at least try and have a clue about what you're on about.

And you should know what you are talking about ;)
First, Check out what patronize means. Im not patronizing anyone.
Second, Fetish could be anything. If hubby is into wearing a diaper and being treated like a baby, nooooo.... theres not going to be any cruelty. In Domination, at the level I like, there is.

So how nasty was your DW to you for you to justify fooling around?
HAHAHAHAAAA! Oh my... Once again... I never justified it.

vasdefferins · 14/07/2014 18:48

Yet another tedious madonna/whore complex.

No, just a guy that made a mistake. Simple as that, freud.

Justrestinginmyaccount · 14/07/2014 18:48

Yes Vas, I did. I read very clearly how your love for your wife made absolutely no difference in your decision to pay for sexual services. So you felt guilty afterwards and told her? Wow! have a cookie for being a sterling human being. It's a shame you didn't feel the guilt before you handed over the £150.

Your contempt for women shines through in your replies on this thread. I mean, what did you expect the people here were going to say to you? Did you think you weren't going to be put through the wringer? Your attitude in your responses shows you up for what you are...a man who thinks women can be bought. If you are trying to get us to sympathise with your existential punter dilemma; then you really are going the wrong way about it.

WallyBantersJunkBox · 14/07/2014 18:50

I'm not belittling your friends or scene "Backinthering" by the way. I think the scene should work on a "it takes one to know one" attitude, rather than making people feel unadventurous because they don't want to participate or it isn't their bag.

The fact that there is a "scene" hopefully makes brave like minded folk meet to share the same passions.

Not carry on behind someone's back in a cowardly fashion.

WallyBantersJunkBox · 14/07/2014 18:55

Actually it's the sub that really has the control in a sub/Dom relationship.

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