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Husband been visiting dominatrix

126 replies

Flowerseller · 14/07/2014 11:45

Hi, I really need some advice as I can't talk to anyone else about this. I have just found out that my Husband started visiting dominatrix a year ago. I found out by accident as he lied to me about where he was going(said he was going on a course with work but it didn't seem to ring true). I confronted him and he admitted everything. He has apparently visited more than one and they never offer sex, I have looked into this and they don't actually have sex with their clients. It's the fact that he had to go somewhere else to get something he obviously thought he couldn't get from me.
To make matters worse I looked at his emails(Which I have never done before and felt really guilty about) but I just didn't feel as though I could trust him. I found some emails from one of the ' Dommes' who had put him on a long distance regime, which entailed him masturbating twice daily for her and to send pictures as proof. This devastated me, the thought that he was doing this because another woman had told him to has completely crushed me and feels like cheating.
He broke down and said he went too far down a path he shouldn't have done and he has promised to stop all contact with them and want to work on our marriage and building my trust again.
I'm sorry this is such a long post but everything has just spilled out I have kept it bottled up for days and don't know what to do.
Any advice is welcome
Thanks

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/07/2014 14:01

frivolous ?

warysara · 14/07/2014 14:05

Frivolous (adjective): not having any serious purpose or value.

I like kite-surfing, my partner has an unhealthy obsession with boats. We spend money individually on those items and don't keep a count or worry about that money as long as the other bills / savings etc. are good.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/07/2014 14:05

Either you buy the line that it's just a bit of a hobby Hmm or you react as most people would and find it a gross breach of trust. Sex or no sex can you ever look at him the same way again?

chutmum · 14/07/2014 14:37

Hi mums,i really need some advice.I just found my husbands e mail acc was open that he has been chatting his ex girlfriend.They split 13 years ago and she lives in Korea.They chat about how they thinking about each other and wanted to see in person in her next visit..(Last year she was in UK of course i didn't let him go)She is Korean almost 30 years and still single.My husband wrote to her about 2 son and his career how growing.So what should i do?Should i tell him that i know about this email or just pretend i didn't know.he said me they dont have contact at all except when she came UK only she let him know incase some help needed :(..one thing also that women suggested him app that they can chat free and easy...) I really don't want lose my husband.Please give me some advice..its really scary...

warysara · 14/07/2014 14:39

Unless she dresses in tight leather and wants to punish him, probably you should start another thread ...

firstchoice · 14/07/2014 15:01

Kitesurfing and boating are hardly the same ways of 'spending spare money' as paying into the prostitution industry with all its concomitant misery though, are they?

Jan45 · 14/07/2014 15:27

It is cheating OP and it is sexual, and it is family money, even one of them would be enough to send him packing.

He will do it again, esp if you just wrap his knuckles with no real consequence. I couldn't even be in the same room as him never mind the bedroom.

You can work away at it but there won't be any denying that he's a cheat and a liar, don't see why that would change, fundamentally that's who he is.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/07/2014 15:29

"esp if you just wrap his knuckles with no real consequence"

He'd enjoy that, surely...?

Jan45 · 14/07/2014 15:36

Cog - Grin

AnyFucker · 14/07/2014 16:49

I don't think the op's husband's compulsive need to get his arse paddled and to pay women to wank in front of them is frivolous or has no serious value

bearing in mind he has risked his marriage to pursue these activities, I would say he takes them very seriously indeed

MiniTheMinx · 14/07/2014 17:04

But that is the problem with compulsion, pursuing the object of ones compulsion doesn't blind people to the consequences and risks. I'm sure he probably feels shame...but then he probably gets off on that!

vasdefferins · 14/07/2014 17:05

Morning!
1st off, I'm a male. I'm off sick and am bored and was surfin' and came across your fine site. I have a 'the other side of the fence' story, if you ladies want.
I'm married, and have been so for almost 30 years. Early on in my life I realized I had an almost uncontrollable fetish for womens feet. I think it started when I was about 12 and the neighbor girl and I used to hang out a lot somehow always ended up standing on me in diffrent games. I'm not being evasive, I really do not remember why or how these things happened. King of the hill, me on my knees while she used my back like a skateboard... that kind of thing.
Now, fast forward a couple of years and I'm in high school dating a girl who used to ask me to massage her feet. I remember the smell and feel of her socks and feet. That in itself shows the power of this fetish. Can any of you over 40 remember a smell from a high school heart throb? Probably not. But at this time I still did not identify that I had a sexualattraction to this often ignored part of our anatomy.

Fast forward again now about 10 years. Thisis where I think the domination thing took a solid hold on me. I'm married now and working as a tradesman with a large group of people and among them is a lady electrician. I'm in the shop and Beth comes in, takes off her boots and socks to change into her flip-flops to go home and the smell instantly made me hard. It was just like that. no control over it, no working myself up, just ka-bang! She left and that was that.

A few months later during lunch (with about 20 other people) she tells me shes got a busy weekend ahead of her planned. So, not really caring, I asked her what her plans are. Thats when she comes clean and says she moonlights as a Dominatrix evenings and weekends. It got a few comments from the people there but mostly it wasnt really a big deal to any of us. One of the guys there sold weed on the side (I dont use) another fixed cars and sold them. At the time I did odd carpentry jobs. She was just another person trying to make a buck.

Half joking, she looked around the table and stated she wanted to go to Cuba and was booking sessions. The usual laughing and joking took place and we immediatly picked one guy out who was the most likely to like getting the crap kicked out of him by Beth and picked on him. I remember we also joked about how one of the guys there who had been trying to bed Beth had better wear a flak jacket.

A week later her and I are working alone at night. I'm building a stage and she's wiring it. I asked her what guys get done during these session, (lots...) if she 'put out', (no) and what she charged. (150/hr)

Then, for reasons I still dont fully understand, I booked a session with her, and yes, I was married.

A little insight now into my private life. I love my wife. I'm crazy about her.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/07/2014 17:14

Gee vasdefferins... thanks for sharing your shitty behaviour. Your poor wife if you're the best she can do

FatalCabbage · 14/07/2014 17:25

Vas has explained it perfectly - his wife doesn't feature in his thought process at all, but his penis does. I'm imagining it's similar for the OP's husband.

AMumInScotland · 14/07/2014 17:30

Well, yeah, there you go.

Crazy in love with his wife. But happy to get his rocks off with someone else for money. Sees no discrepancy between these two 'facts'.

I hope that gives the OP some insight into how much she matters to her husband in comparison with the women he pays for their services.

Haffdonga · 14/07/2014 17:32

Ooooh, I didn't realise that if it's a fetish then that makes it excusable. How very silly of me! I hope you enjoyed telling us that story vas Hmm

In fact it may help the OP more than you perhaps intended Vas, by helping demonstrate very clearly how yes, visiting a dominatrix is sexual and just how very seedy and shitty a man is who would do that behind the back of his wife.

MiniTheMinx · 14/07/2014 17:33

And the flip side of marriage and monogamy...prostitution...runs off to read a book. Quite honestly the whole system is just skewed to benefit men. They know it and then one pops up to tell us that its all quite OK because he loves his wife and he paid the other women £150.

vasdefferins · 14/07/2014 17:34

Yah, I'm still trying to explain it to Flowerseller to explain how screwed up it is. The rest of you can blow it out your ass. Shes the one being hurt, not you.

vasdefferins · 14/07/2014 17:37

I'm not trying to make it excusable. I still have more to tell.
I had the rest of my post ready but screwed it up so im retyping it flowerseller. hang on

Hughfearnley · 14/07/2014 17:41

I can't wait for the rest Confused

AnyFucker · 14/07/2014 17:50

Oh deary me, Vas deferens, did your article get knocked back by your usual preferred brand of smutty reading ?

I can't imagine what you might get out of recounting your "activities" here

AnyFucker · 14/07/2014 17:52

I think if anything is going to make Op decide to kick her arsehole of a husband into touch, it's not going to be us angry mummies. It'll be Vas deferens and him waving his mangy cock around that does it.

morethanpotatoprints · 14/07/2014 17:56

I don't know OP, but if it was my dh he'd b too busy trying to sew it back on and would soon know the meaning of dominatrix

Justrestinginmyaccount · 14/07/2014 17:58

Vas Has however just made a beautiful case for just how little men who pay for sexual services think of their wives whilst doing so.

You might get the odd one who claims to be conflicted about what he is doing, but his cock will ALWAYS win out in the end.

Men who pay for sex have a certain mindset. It can't be changed and any woman who decides to stay with them is, I'm afraid, making a huge mistake.

MerdeAlor · 14/07/2014 17:59

This thread is making me feel grubby and I'm only reading it.