I totally dislike my daughter (long and ranty)

[ohthatsokthen]

DD now 21. Backstory she has been problematic since 13. Started with truancy, smoking etc. Then absconded from school and was found unconscious on the school field with an empty bottle of vodka. We then discovered she was bulimic and self harming. Many trips to the Drs later we were referred to PCAHMS for counselling. There are no known issues in our family, me and her dad still together, he has been a fantastic dad and we have both tried our best to support and encourage her. In her words "you are epic parents and I had a lovely childhood, I don't know why I do these things". Signed off from PCAHMS as deemed "helped". Over the next few years she went to college and got a part time job. She was then sent home from work as she was drunk, this continued and escalated until she was drinking all day and being abusive. I met with her work who offered to help - her words "all teenagers drink", took her to the drs "my mum is imagining it all, I am fine". To cut a long story short, the drinking escalated and she became threatening and violent and I snapped (probably not the best thing to do) and threw her out. We had a number of police visits due to threats and her trying to kick the door in. Police told me I was a victim of dv. She found a room, we paid the rent and deposit for 6 months. She got thrown out from that room because she kicked off and started smashing the place up. At this point I cut contact as she was making me ill with the stress. She moved in with her boyfriend, and his junkie father and moved onto drugs (speed, crack), got raped by her drug dealer. I can't even talk about that. She moved into a nice room, to get away and we paid the deposit. All this time still drinking but miraculously because of her manager she clung on to her job. She was then given notice on her room as the ll was getting married so she went off on a rare one and her threw her out that night. In desperation, the next day I found her a bedsit albeit in a halfway house type place, paid the deposit and the rent. She is still there. 5 months ago she quit drinking, we were so proud of her. I told her that she needed to get help as she obviously has issues (she says she wants to feel incredible all the time and can't bear the mundane day to day life). It transpires that although she isn't drinking the drug use has escalated, to the point she owes dealers. She came round last night and was vile, screaming and shouting at me. Told me all of this was her fault, she hated her life, we should take her back home and she would stop. I forced her to take the bedsit, if I hadn't she wouldn't be doing drugs. She hates her job, nobody has offered her a promotion and she's been there 3 years. I was very calm and told her, nobody had done this to her but herself and I wasn't going to discuss it anymore as she never listened (we asked her to attend Narcotics anonymous and the drs - she won't because they tell her things she doesn't want to hear). She was hateful, vicious and mean. I have got to the point where I totally dislike her and my husband says he despises her and can't be in her company. Sometimes I wish she was dead so that we didn't have to live like this and she wasn't suffering anymore. dh retires next year and we are going to sell up and move away (plan was to buy a house with annexe for dd if she got clean but that is never going to happen). All we wanted for her was to be happy, and either do uni/travel/or a job she liked. Whilst we are not perfect parents (who is) we have always encouraged and supported her and tried to do what we think is best. I am now at the point where I think - I've done everything I can, you are an adult and its up to you. I think this stems from growing up with both parents as alcoholics. I know she is a tortured soul but I can't help someone who refuses to take responsibility and help herself. Sorry for the essay, rant over - just wanted to get it off my chest!!! Thanks if you managed to read to the end

Pinkfrocks I can't believe you work with families.
That makes your comments even more disgraceful.

(I don't suppose you are a 'life-coach' by any chance.)

You should stop posting on this thread as you are coming across as a nasty person.

Pinfrocks, If you are a professional, you should have come at the OP with some sort of professionalism?
You did come over as a haughty layman with a touch too much book learning and not a lot of life experience. Especially with the "haven't you read that brains aren't formed until twenty five?" ( I'm paraphrasing) comment. You, being a professional may know this , but that was a personal dig and you showing off.
You need to work on your professional disposition. Your manner wouldn't cut the mustard in real, non internet life, would it? And if it does, well my understanding of the world as it is and not how I'd like it to be is ground in reality.

Funny how the responses here swing isn't it? Read upthread and there were other posters saying JUST the same as me.

Anyway- I am leaving now so good luck OP.

I am coming to this thread partly as a professional - not with drugs- but with training and experience in working with families.

Pinkfrocks, really, if ever there has been an advertisement against counseling in the OP's position, YOU ARE IT. You have achieved the complete opposite of what you probably hoped to have achieved. I wasn't against the OP having counseling, but the chance that she could come across a sanctimonious, self opinionated, damaging "professional" like you, well....I think the OP is quite right to avoid it. I have true pity for the poor people you deal with in your "professional" capacity, as professional, non-judgmental, calm, reasonable and fair are the last words I would use to describe you. God help your clients.

Pinfrocks, hasn't anybody said that they are a "professional", but you. And you have acted so unprofessional.

Anyhoo, I'd keep your narcissism in check. Even laypeople know that your type of professions attract them like flies to shit.
Nah, I'm not buying it. You are too touchy to be a professional and too self justifying (in a ner ner ner ner ner way) with your Tavistock link.
You have the disposition of the type of social worker that a struggling person doesn't want to open their door to.

use a disabled child in this argument like someone has done is like saying people who put their children onto residential care are failing their child
No, it's not like saying that. That's a very different situation.

That.is.not.self.inflicted
OP, you believe that your DD has serious mental health problems. You need to understand that mental health problems are not self inflicted. Likewise, the consequences of the choices that people make when suffering from severe mental health problems are not self inflicted. You believe that you're entitled to compassion - and validation too, it seems - but this is difficult to give when your attitude to your DD is without compassion insofar as you are judging her and blaming her for the situation she is in. When these problems began with your DD, she was very much a child. By the time she reached an age of maturity, traumatic events and addiction had done their work. You seem to feel that you are different from other parents who have grown-up children with complex needs. You have said that this is because their problems aren't self-inflicted. It doesn't seem logical or compassionate to look at your DD's situation and hold her personally responsible for the position she is in. Likewise, she probably isn't responsible for burning the rope you've thrown her to help her out. As for pulling you into the hole with her - you have my deep sympathy for the damage you've suffered. However, there are many parents walking hard roads who will never receive a phone call stressing about what to get them for a birthday present, hear themselves described as 'epic' and 'legends', or hear their child affirm the happy childhood they enjoyed. That is an awful lot.

I have no doubt that you've been a wonderful parent. But telling yourself that it's DD's fault she is in this position is wrong. It won't validate what you are doing. You're responding to eight years of awfulness that nobody caused. You're leaving a vulnerable person because you feel you can take no more. That's your choice but don't make out your DD doesn't deserve more help. This is not a stereotypical 'selfish' drug addict. This is a very sick young woman who is barely out of childhood. If you could put her on a train to me, I'd do what I could.

I'm glad some of Pinkfrocks earlier posts were deleted by MNHQ.

Hi Are I am not a wonderful parent, just a normal one trying to the do the best I can. I am not saying the MH issues are her fault, she can't help that but continuing to be an addict is under her control and so is her responsibility - that is self inflicted. We have a dr's appt for her next week but she is refusing to attend - we continue to offer help but she refuses to engage. She deserves all the help she can have but she will not take it.

Please disengage with Pinkfrocks - I sense she is troubled and I don't think this thread is helping her.

The OP's Dd is NOT an adult, emotionally. Her chronological age is irrelevant, really. If she has been 'having problems' since she was 13, then parts of her development may have 'arrested' then, certainly she has not progressed to adulthood in a harmonious and integrated way. Whether it was because she has underlying MH issues which she has self medicated with because she hasn't received adequate help, or whether the drugs have grabbed hold of her and turned her into a 'demon'- then the end result is the same. A frightened child in an adults body.

Pinkfrocks makes a relevant point about the Tavistock's findings about childhood 'continuing' until around the age of 25 - (and that is with a 'standard' childhood). OP, very clearly you have tried and tried and tried to give your only child the very best start - but SOMETHING has gone wrong. It doesn't matter 'who is to blame' it simply matters that she stays alive and you keep talking together whilst it is all worked through. It may well involve some 'looking back' even if she has a mental illness which started at 13.

OP, your child needs you, even if she is showing it in a very skewed way.
She also needs her father, who seems to have opted out, sadly.
YOU need some professional support simply due to the strain of what you have been trying to 'carry' for her, single handedly by the sound of it, for all these years. Doesn't have to be 'counselling for your issues', just some support for YOU, so you can continue to be around her (which will ultimately benefit her).
There have been some posters on here who have challenged you, in an attempt to convey their genuinely felt points to you, which you have found difficult.
There have been some posters on here who have offered the support of recounting their similar experiences, which I imagine will be of help.
Perhaps you could access a group of parents who have had similar experiences so you could reach that support more regularly?

I hope you can find a way of accepting your damaged Dd back into your life, whilst she gets adequate professional help (just because she has had help in the past, doesn't mean it was adequate) and you and your Dh get some support for the stress too, as you must need it, or you wouldn't be posting here. Clearly, you still love your daughter, and clearly you are at the end of your tether.

Keep reach out for help and support. For her, and for you and dH too.

I have never asked for any pity, compassion or validation. I just wanted to get it off my chest as its not fair to keep venting to dh.

First thank you - this has nearly destroyed dh he loves her so much and it has broken his heart.

We are in contact she comes round about 4 times a week and we chat, but she knows we will be moving next year. She is welcome to come with us but only if she is clean from drugs, we have said she has a year to start the ball rolling and accept all the help that has been offered. That's the current situation, I give her little treats like nail varnish or chocolate and try and persuade her to give help a try but she refuses point blank. She is very thin so I buy her food and feed her and make sure she has toiletries etc to stay clean. I also pick her up from the station (she lives in another town) when it rains so she doesn't have to go to work wet, its not like we don't care. Agree mentally she is stuck at 13 but from a medical perspective she is an adult and we have been unable to get help on her behalf as she is over 18, we have been told she has to consent.

You know the way she has agreed with you that she might be bipolar? It seems like sometimes she is acknowledging that something is wrong with her. Is she simply refusing to take it further because to do so might mean giving up the drugs?

Would you go to counselling with her as a family?

She seems really angry about something.

Thats it in a nutshell are you.

Chock we have done that.

OK what came out of the counselling?

How many sessions did you have?

We had weekly sessions over a few months, that there were no underlying issues. The bulimia started because she likes eating and thought it was a good way to eat what she wanted without putting on weight. The drinking is because she likes it, and the drugs are because she has stopped drinking. She knows things aren't right but says there is no point asking for help as she will be told to stop taking drugs and she doesn't want to. She is also supposed to attend a weekly NA meeting, but doesn't because and I quote "they make her feel depressed sitting in a room of addicts, when I am not one, I just like drugs"

I was having a very nice discussion with another MN'er who had been subjected to abuse, from her son.

There is a gap in the market.

There is no money for this. And no one wants to know. No one wants to talk about it.

I am sure that many people mean well. When they suggest counselling , or camhs.

But if you have done both. ( I have done both, and been turned away from camhs, atleast twice due to 'lack of resources' , once when ds1 wanted to die), then eventually you realise that TRUE support us often very lacking.

And you would only know this, if you actually experienced it for yourself.
Which I suggest a lot of people haven't.
(Praise god, for atleast that!!!!)

Yes once they hit 18 the scant support that was there is gone and you are left to your own devices. We tried to get her into a detox facility, they said it was a lasars referral, lasars said, DAAT referral and DAAT said Lasars. Even the dr she was seeing was angry about it. They all kept going in circles sending us to agencies who then said we had to go back to the previous agency.

oblomov I am sorry for you and your son x

Oh, I know that feeling!! I go round and round in circles and get nowhere.

Its heartbreaking for these kids, no one wants to help them and the families just can't always cope. I just feel thankful she is an only child, it must be dreadful for the brothers and sisters to be a part of this.

What's her response when you point out how much this lifestyle is damaging her parents?

The referral was made, they will only deal with dd, she says they have never contacted her - she was put forward as an urgent need case. I suspect they did contact her and she turned them away

Mental health services are shockingly underfunded.

Its a difficult situation, as with low self esteem, she may not feel worthy of help.

For counselling to be of any benefit, a person has to be willing to uncover painful emotions. Some just shut down as its too much for them.

Has she had any contact with social services? I'm thinking if there's one person she could get to know and maybe trust a little.

From what you've written, she appears to be very defensive and guarded.