My girlfriend of 13 years has fallen out of love with me & wants to split - I need help

[dylanp]

Hi, I've specifically come on here because I wanted to try and get some impartial advice - and maybe some coping strategies too - from people who may have found themselves in my own crushing position or who can empathise and understand how the beautiful woman I am engaged to (and have been with for 13 years - we have a 10 year old daughter too) feels.

Where to start.

Firstly, there's no infidelity. Never has been, never would be - I love my partner and she's the one. She always has been. We've been together a long time and had many many happy times, we're best friends, we have loads in common, we've been through a lot together and I absolutely adore her. We have an incredible daughter and we're a great family. We've had problems over recent years - money, illness, stress etc. but things are actually on the up. We've almost cleared all our debts and will have a lot more disposable income. My business is really starting to go places. My girlfriend is doing great with her job - a job where she really helps people and has an impact. Everybody likes my girlfriend - she's a beautiful, kind and funny person and I want to point out from the start that I'm the bad guy in all this, she's done nothing wrong. Everything that's happening has been brought on by me. I have so many regrets and I have been such an idiot for such a long time.

Until recently - until I woke up that is - I have always put myself first. I've been lazy and incredibly selfish. It's always been a case of it's my way or the highway. I've controlled her, manipulated her and mentally abused her. I've never lifted a finger towards her - I'm certainly not that kinda guy - but I've said terrible things to her. Things I never ever meant but said to lash out. Things I've said to win arguments. Things I've said out of an inflated sense of entitlement and/or out of bravado. I've often not listened. When I've listened I've not heard. When she's needed love from me, although I absolutely always have been in love with her, I didn't show it or say the right things. I've been lazy and not appreciated the things that have been important to her - simple things that I could easily have done. I've not focussed on making her happy - I've focussed on getting her tow my line and to be honest, god knows why because I don't want to change the wonderful person she is and never have so I have no idea what I was even trying to achieve. I've been a complete tool. I'll give you some examples of the awful things I've said. I've told her in the past that I was only with her because of our daughter. That was never true and I have no excuse for ever having said that. I told her once in the middle of a fiery row why doesn't she go hang herself. What kind of person says that? What the f* was wrong with me? I obviously never meant it. The thought of me ever doing anything that hurts her makes me feel physically sick, end of the day she is my best friend, the only person who has ever 'got me'. When she's really needed me, I've just not noticed. I haven't noticed the pain she's been in and she's rightfully lost respect for me over a long period of time.

We've had a few tough years - she was ill for over a year, work was difficult and from then forwards we haven't had much of a sex life. When we do it's fantastic - always has been - and for me that's one of the ways I connect. I've always thought that was enough and when we do connect like that, I can beat the world, it motivates me. I'd like to stress she's never withheld sex out of any kind of thing where she's playing games. Now of course I know that there's a lot more to it than sex - the sex starts way before the act in the little things - the talking, the closeness, the overall environment. Anyway, I've pressed and pressed the issue why - thinking of myself yet again. I've been raising the issue for months - and putting the blame on her, telling her we need to work on things. Thing is though, she's been working on it for a long, long time and I just haven't noticed.

I have changed a lot as a person over the last year or two - for the better. The old me is dead and I hate the person I was. We were so in love and we're so right for each other.

Anyway, it's come to a head and after a couple of weeks of anguish, soul searching, lots of talking and tears from both of us she's told me that she doesn't feel like she's in love with me anymore and that we should probably split. She feels like she's lost herself - lost the bubbly, happy person that she was. She's become numb. She's carried me and it's drained her. And she's right.

Now, when I heard those words, I basically collapsed. I have basically not eaten for over a week, I can't sleep and I couldn't cope or function at all. It was so bad that I went to the doctor who examined me, insisted I lie down and she personally went to the chemist, gave me valium there and then plus a prescription, cancelled her other appointments and sat and talked with me for almost an hour. The valium has helped me cope and it's been crucial because it is unfair on my girlfriend to see me in such a mess and feel like she's the cause. She can't be my therapist and shouldn't be. It's about what she feels, not what I feel.

I have complete clarity on what I want which is all well and good. But it's about what she wants. Of all the horrible things I have done, the worst would be to get her to stay with me out of pity and have her live a life where she's not happy. I desperately want her to be happy, she deserves it more than anyone I know.

She knows I am genuinely sorry for everything I have done. She knows I am utterly in love with her. She knows I will dedicate the rest of my life to being a better man and making her happy - not because I have to but because I want to. Her being happy makes me happy. There's not a bad bone in that girls body, she's a wonderful mother, an incredible girlfriend, she's kind, interesting, funny, super sexy and to be frank she should have left me years ago. Maybe we could have had more chance fixing it then while she still felt in love with me. But all these things are for nothing because it's about what she feels. We do both agree that the love is probably still there inside her - it's been too strong a bond and too deep a love not to be. But it's hidden and covered by all these negative emotions caused by me. She can't see the wood for the trees basically because of all this negative currency I have built up over the years. God I have been such a stupid fool, I've hurt her and I really don't deserve any better than what's happening to me now. There's been a lot of dumb trust issues too from my behalf - stuff born out of macho paranoia on my part. I've made her feel uncomfortable many times just going out to see her friends and it's something she rarely does anyway. I've basically tried to keep her to myself and it's back to the controlling person that I was.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not a terrible guy. I'm kind, I am thoughtful, I do and have done a lot of good things and most of our time together has been wonderful. I really hope she can think of all those moments and not just the negative ones. I hope she can think of the love in my eyes whenever I have looked into hers because that has always been the case. I hope she can bring back all the feelings as to why she fell in love with me.

It's like the stages of grief isn't it? I've been through denial, I've been through bargaining, I've been through begging (not with her, I know that's not right or fair) and I've been through anger (at myself). I'll never get through acceptance because not being with her will be my cancer.

Anyway, there is no acrimony. We talk, we hug each other, we kiss but all as you would between friends - which we are. I've made silly threats to her in the past - long ago and not of violence but of making her feel like it would be a nightmare if she ever left me. This is no excuse but I only ever did that out of fear of losing her. I'd never ever have done anything. I'm so terrified now of losing her, I genuinely feel like someone on death row must feel the night before they get executed. I will never do anything to hurt her again. Even if god forbid we do split, I will always be a great friend to her, I will always provide, she can have the house and everything in it. For all my many flaws past and present I am a great dad and we both have an amazing relationship with our daughter and that will never change. I think my daughter - who's smart as anything - will understand if we did split but of course, I am desperate not to hurt her. Again, to reiterate, my girlfriend/love of my life is not doing anything wrong here -she's grieved over a period of years. She's suffered. She's tried and I haven't seen it.

Anyway, where we are now is this. I realise she needs space. Space to try and fight through the rubble and find out whether there are any feelings still there. So initially I have moved out for 4 days. It's the hardest thing I have ever done. We've worked it so our daughter doesn't actually know what's going on which is good.

I said to her earlier that I think she probably needs at least a month and that's probably what we will do. Again, it kills me to be apart from her for 5 minutes but I think if there's any glimmer of hope then she needs distance from me to even just find out if she misses me at all. I don't want her to think that the solution to this pain - and she's in pain too - is splitting because I know that if we both make the genuine commitment to work on this probably that all that will lift and we'll never look back.

I know this is a long post and thanks for reading. It's a little cathartic actually to just write it down. My darling knows all this and she's accepted my sincerest apologies for everything I've done and we've really bared our souls in the last few weeks. But ultimately, saying all this doesn't actually change anything and it's all down to whether she can find that spark again, whether she can see any prospect of a happy future with me or whether she wants to cut her losses now while she feels like she still has a chance to start again somewhere down the line (she is 38).

I guess what I want to know is anyone who has been in a similar position - especially a woman. Did you get the love back? Is that possible? What's the best way for me to handle this all? I don't mean for me, I mean what's the best way for me to handle this for my girlfriend so that she hurts as little as possible? I absolutely don't want to try and smother her with my love and be pathetic - she still needs to see me as the strong man I am (I'm not an emotional person - part of my problem) and not some pathetic begging guy. That's why I do believe the space is important. She doesn't and wouldn't see couples therapy as helpful by the way, she knows her own mind.

Is there anything I can do to win her back? Not being with her will destroy me - it already is. How do people cope with this pain, it's horrific. If we do break for a month, would it be a good thing to try and go out together as friends or better to just be completely apart? What's best for her?

I am at the lowest ebb of my entire life. This is the most important thing that has ever happened to me. It's certainly been the biggest wake up call imaginable. I fear it's all too late though. I've no-one to blame but myself. I can and will make her happy and will dedicate my life to doing so, it's just whether I even get the chance to do that.

[Bobulate]

OP, I can guess from reading this that you probably had a difficult time growing up, that you projected your anger and self loathing on her, and that you need lots and lots of therapy before she should even consider getting back together with you.

[JaceyBee]

"The GP who cleared her appts? Perhaps you have the knack of winding foolish women around your little finger with your self-serving histrionics. Give it a break eh."

This.

[AnyFucker]

That GP never existed

[expatinscotland]

Tru dat, Any.

[expatinscotland]

And please don't compare her ending this abusive relationship with cancer. Some of us watched our loved ones, including our children, DIE from cancer.

[heyday]

You need to give her space now. Perhaps you can be friends again one day but that has to be when you are both over each other and have moved on.
The separation will give her the chance to find out if she genuinely misses you or if she really, finally wants out.
There should be minimal contact during this separation period, just text about daughter and nothing else.
This situation will resolve itself. You may not get the outcome that you hoped for but if it is over then it's best to know so you can both start to move on and re build your lives.

[SolidGoldBrass]

Hahahah bellend. You are getting what you deserve. I hope your ex gets to read this some day when she's made a happy life for herself, pisses herself laughing and says to DD, can you believe the years we wasted putting up with that self-obsessed drama llama? Bet he's still sitting in the same pub, with the same unwashed pants on, whining about The Love He Lost along with all the other losers.'

[ashtrayheart]

Ugh you sound like my ex who is the eternal victim and never actually takes the consequence for his own actions.

[Tallandgracefulmum]

Just came across this thread and sorry but I really did not read all; but why was she your girlfriend for 13 years and you did not propose? Anyway, maybe now you can realise that you need to change, she did well in sticking around for 13 years.

[ashtrayheart]

Must admit didn't read the whole thing because it was rather longwinded and self indulgent

[AskBasil]

As you must have expected, of course there's no point trying to get her back or hoping she'll come back. Once someone has killed the love, it's dead. And the problem with it is that you can't earn it back - it's a gift, there's nothing you can do to get it and sometimes it's just given to you for nothing. You killed it and now you have to live with the consequences of that.

I do believe that people can change, but the reason people are being so harsh is because you don't sound like you have; the histrionics, valiium etc. are really OTT and fit a pattern of narcissistic behaviour.

I'd advise you to go to counselling in order to learn how to accept that this is over and how to re-structure a relationship based on co-operative co-parenting. As others have pointed out, you have the chance to make the mother of your child happy now and forever, by being a reasonable, constructive co-parent and showing her enough respect to stand back from her life and let her live the rest of it free of the threat that you will re-discover your entitledness.

[zippey]

I think too much water has gone under the bridge to salvage this relationship. You may well have changed for the better, and you may well be a different person now, but your wife will never be able to forget or forgive the years of abuse you inflicted on her, which is why its better to split, for both your sakes.

After years of controlling behaviour, you now need to let your wife have control, and do what she asks. If that means leading separate lives, then this is what you should do.

I think you also need to be kind to yourself. You say you have changed, but you have hurt this person too much to have any comeback. However, you can take your changed personality and treat the next person you fall for the way you should have treated your wife. The only way you can do this is to forgive yourself, move on in your life, and let your wife move on and find happiness with someone who will treat her better.

[butterflygardens]

Please don't take it that I'm not on her side, I am and I understand that their relationship has probably sailed but we don't know that it definitely has sailed yet either. I am also not saying advice him to get her back either but perhaps advice for him on how to continue this path he is taking on changing himself? Of course I have only his word so it might be all tosh. However the internet seems to bring out the worst in people and I can guarantee that SOME of you wouldn't speak to someone in that manner without your usernames to hide behind so how about we just at least talk in a civilised manner to one another is all I am saying.

[butterflygardens]

Advise not advice!

[TheFairiesAreBack]

'I guess what I want to know is anyone who has been in a similar position - especially a woman. Did you get the love back? Is that possible? What's the best way for me to handle this all? I don't mean for me, I mean what's the best way for me to handle this for my girlfriend so that she hurts as little as possible? I absolutely don't want to try and smother her with my love and be pathetic - she still needs to see me as the strong man I am (I'm not an emotional person - part of my problem) and not some pathetic begging guy. That's why I do believe the space is important. She doesn't and wouldn't see couples therapy as helpful by the way, she knows her own mind. '

I think you are asking what is the best way to give her enough space that she forgets she wanted to,leave you and takes you back?

Personally, as someone who left a 13 year relationship myself, you probablyncan't do anything. She has probably been considering this for ages and finally has found the strength to say the words. Now she just needs to break free completely.

I was so glad there were no children involved with me and my ex. It meant I never had to see him again. I do still have fond thoughts about the good times but never enough to make me come back.

Oh, and he was all reasonable and pitiful,and begging in the first few weeks but then turned into a complete knob.

[expatinscotland]

PMSL. I'm pretty sure all those on here would be happy to say the same to this creep's face!

[MsFanackerPants]

You told her to kill herself.
You told her if she ever left you'd make her life a nightmare.



I left a partner after a decade. He was and is a nice person. Not abusive, not manipulative but we'd grown apart and I never would have got back together with him
If I'd managed to escape an abusive man I'd be running and never looking back.

None of this is about her. It's you. You want to be her best friend. Maybe she doesn't want (and certainly doesn't need) you as a friend. You don't get to decide that.

It's not about you. The reason you're sooo boohoo sad now is not because you're losing her but because you're losing control.

[Lweji]

why was she your girlfriend for 13 years and you did not propose?

He says he's engaged. But, and after 13 years, she's just a gf. Not a fiancé or a partner.
Significantly, not a partner. Because she isn't, isn't she? She's not an equal. Still.

[daisychain01]

Butterfly I would be more than happy to say what I said to this person to his face. Nothing to do with hiding behind a keyboard.

I think some of us just know this sort of hollow-sounding script and it does not wash.

Actually, do you know what, the detailed blow-by-blow descriptions sound spookily like a power-trip to me. A roll-call of 13 years of torture. I wonder why he has the need to go into such forensic detail, like it's an inventory.

[Egghead68]

Have you posted before? There was a similar post last week that got deleted.

You're going to stalk her aren't you.

Dickhead.

[Pancakeflipper]

If your girlfriend is numb and not the person she was as you say in your initial post, then your daughter will have noticed. Don't fool yourself.

Stop justifying your behaviour. Your girlfriend needs to sort out a future for herself and daughter. You need to back off and let her do it. 13yrs of being grinded down is really hard to recover from.

[springydaffs]

And btw you weren't a good father if you treated your daughter's mother so badly.

And you're already minimising what you did re 'I wasn't so bad, we had some good times'. I wonder how she views those 'good times'.

You didn't hit her eh. No, you killed her slowly, from the inside out.

[BigHairyLeggedSpider]

You cant be her best friend when you've been her worst enemy. The best thing you can do is leave the poor woman alone to rebuild her confidence and her life. You no longer have any access to her life. Stop being a clinging tool and leave her alone.

[TheHoneyBadger]

you asked if women have been in similar situations and whether 'they got the love back'. i find the latter part of that question irrelevant. the more relevant questions are whether they got their self esteem back, whether they learnt to trust themselves again and whether they went on to manage to trust other people and feel safe getting close to people again.

when someone you love wears you down to the point of, 'i cannot do this anymore' you have literally nothing left. they have emotionally and mentally exhausted you to the point of feeling like a rung out rag who can't even go through the motions anymore. it's not about love or no love or like or dislike anymore - there is just nothing left.

i hope sincerely she'll rebuild herself, that time and good friends (not you i'm afraid you're way too close to it) and getting to know herself again, her likes, dislikes, what she likes to do, what she wants from life once she is freed up from everything being sucked from her by a relationship will see her move on to be happy.

in reality though spending a decade or so of your life being ground down, hurt and treated poorly by someone who claims to love you, putting up with poor treatment, suppressing hurts and pain etc etc takes it's toll. some people got it from parents, some from a 'partner', some from both and it really does scar you badly and no, it doesn't magically get better after a month or because the person who put you through it changes. the damage is hers - it's IN her - you are kind of irrelevant to that now. your changing doesn't effect her insides right? you get that? your changing doesn't heal the damage that's been done.

this isn't a 'having a go at you' post i'm sincerely trying to get stuff across.

[something2say]

Gosh I am shocked at the things the op has said he said to his girlfriend!! To hang herself?? That he is only with her for the child?

My view is that he has learned a tough lesson here. There are consequences to actions. She may have grieved the end of the relationship while in the relationship. She may now be having the time of her life, feeling amazingly free and full of plans for the future that do not include a man who deliberately hurts her verbally.

My goodness me, you do not deserve a partner if you say such things!!!

My advice to you is to step back, get as therapist and work it out there. You do not deserve your girlfriend back and you really need to take responsibility for your problems so that you don't do it again.

And also, if she stops returning your calls, remember that she doesn't have to. Don't chase her. You might get a criminal record. Respect the words that she says, if she says to fuck off.