My girlfriend of 13 years has fallen out of love with me & wants to split - I need help

[dylanp]

Hi, I've specifically come on here because I wanted to try and get some impartial advice - and maybe some coping strategies too - from people who may have found themselves in my own crushing position or who can empathise and understand how the beautiful woman I am engaged to (and have been with for 13 years - we have a 10 year old daughter too) feels.

Where to start.

Firstly, there's no infidelity. Never has been, never would be - I love my partner and she's the one. She always has been. We've been together a long time and had many many happy times, we're best friends, we have loads in common, we've been through a lot together and I absolutely adore her. We have an incredible daughter and we're a great family. We've had problems over recent years - money, illness, stress etc. but things are actually on the up. We've almost cleared all our debts and will have a lot more disposable income. My business is really starting to go places. My girlfriend is doing great with her job - a job where she really helps people and has an impact. Everybody likes my girlfriend - she's a beautiful, kind and funny person and I want to point out from the start that I'm the bad guy in all this, she's done nothing wrong. Everything that's happening has been brought on by me. I have so many regrets and I have been such an idiot for such a long time.

Until recently - until I woke up that is - I have always put myself first. I've been lazy and incredibly selfish. It's always been a case of it's my way or the highway. I've controlled her, manipulated her and mentally abused her. I've never lifted a finger towards her - I'm certainly not that kinda guy - but I've said terrible things to her. Things I never ever meant but said to lash out. Things I've said to win arguments. Things I've said out of an inflated sense of entitlement and/or out of bravado. I've often not listened. When I've listened I've not heard. When she's needed love from me, although I absolutely always have been in love with her, I didn't show it or say the right things. I've been lazy and not appreciated the things that have been important to her - simple things that I could easily have done. I've not focussed on making her happy - I've focussed on getting her tow my line and to be honest, god knows why because I don't want to change the wonderful person she is and never have so I have no idea what I was even trying to achieve. I've been a complete tool. I'll give you some examples of the awful things I've said. I've told her in the past that I was only with her because of our daughter. That was never true and I have no excuse for ever having said that. I told her once in the middle of a fiery row why doesn't she go hang herself. What kind of person says that? What the f* was wrong with me? I obviously never meant it. The thought of me ever doing anything that hurts her makes me feel physically sick, end of the day she is my best friend, the only person who has ever 'got me'. When she's really needed me, I've just not noticed. I haven't noticed the pain she's been in and she's rightfully lost respect for me over a long period of time.

We've had a few tough years - she was ill for over a year, work was difficult and from then forwards we haven't had much of a sex life. When we do it's fantastic - always has been - and for me that's one of the ways I connect. I've always thought that was enough and when we do connect like that, I can beat the world, it motivates me. I'd like to stress she's never withheld sex out of any kind of thing where she's playing games. Now of course I know that there's a lot more to it than sex - the sex starts way before the act in the little things - the talking, the closeness, the overall environment. Anyway, I've pressed and pressed the issue why - thinking of myself yet again. I've been raising the issue for months - and putting the blame on her, telling her we need to work on things. Thing is though, she's been working on it for a long, long time and I just haven't noticed.

I have changed a lot as a person over the last year or two - for the better. The old me is dead and I hate the person I was. We were so in love and we're so right for each other.

Anyway, it's come to a head and after a couple of weeks of anguish, soul searching, lots of talking and tears from both of us she's told me that she doesn't feel like she's in love with me anymore and that we should probably split. She feels like she's lost herself - lost the bubbly, happy person that she was. She's become numb. She's carried me and it's drained her. And she's right.

Now, when I heard those words, I basically collapsed. I have basically not eaten for over a week, I can't sleep and I couldn't cope or function at all. It was so bad that I went to the doctor who examined me, insisted I lie down and she personally went to the chemist, gave me valium there and then plus a prescription, cancelled her other appointments and sat and talked with me for almost an hour. The valium has helped me cope and it's been crucial because it is unfair on my girlfriend to see me in such a mess and feel like she's the cause. She can't be my therapist and shouldn't be. It's about what she feels, not what I feel.

I have complete clarity on what I want which is all well and good. But it's about what she wants. Of all the horrible things I have done, the worst would be to get her to stay with me out of pity and have her live a life where she's not happy. I desperately want her to be happy, she deserves it more than anyone I know.

She knows I am genuinely sorry for everything I have done. She knows I am utterly in love with her. She knows I will dedicate the rest of my life to being a better man and making her happy - not because I have to but because I want to. Her being happy makes me happy. There's not a bad bone in that girls body, she's a wonderful mother, an incredible girlfriend, she's kind, interesting, funny, super sexy and to be frank she should have left me years ago. Maybe we could have had more chance fixing it then while she still felt in love with me. But all these things are for nothing because it's about what she feels. We do both agree that the love is probably still there inside her - it's been too strong a bond and too deep a love not to be. But it's hidden and covered by all these negative emotions caused by me. She can't see the wood for the trees basically because of all this negative currency I have built up over the years. God I have been such a stupid fool, I've hurt her and I really don't deserve any better than what's happening to me now. There's been a lot of dumb trust issues too from my behalf - stuff born out of macho paranoia on my part. I've made her feel uncomfortable many times just going out to see her friends and it's something she rarely does anyway. I've basically tried to keep her to myself and it's back to the controlling person that I was.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not a terrible guy. I'm kind, I am thoughtful, I do and have done a lot of good things and most of our time together has been wonderful. I really hope she can think of all those moments and not just the negative ones. I hope she can think of the love in my eyes whenever I have looked into hers because that has always been the case. I hope she can bring back all the feelings as to why she fell in love with me.

It's like the stages of grief isn't it? I've been through denial, I've been through bargaining, I've been through begging (not with her, I know that's not right or fair) and I've been through anger (at myself). I'll never get through acceptance because not being with her will be my cancer.

Anyway, there is no acrimony. We talk, we hug each other, we kiss but all as you would between friends - which we are. I've made silly threats to her in the past - long ago and not of violence but of making her feel like it would be a nightmare if she ever left me. This is no excuse but I only ever did that out of fear of losing her. I'd never ever have done anything. I'm so terrified now of losing her, I genuinely feel like someone on death row must feel the night before they get executed. I will never do anything to hurt her again. Even if god forbid we do split, I will always be a great friend to her, I will always provide, she can have the house and everything in it. For all my many flaws past and present I am a great dad and we both have an amazing relationship with our daughter and that will never change. I think my daughter - who's smart as anything - will understand if we did split but of course, I am desperate not to hurt her. Again, to reiterate, my girlfriend/love of my life is not doing anything wrong here -she's grieved over a period of years. She's suffered. She's tried and I haven't seen it.

Anyway, where we are now is this. I realise she needs space. Space to try and fight through the rubble and find out whether there are any feelings still there. So initially I have moved out for 4 days. It's the hardest thing I have ever done. We've worked it so our daughter doesn't actually know what's going on which is good.

I said to her earlier that I think she probably needs at least a month and that's probably what we will do. Again, it kills me to be apart from her for 5 minutes but I think if there's any glimmer of hope then she needs distance from me to even just find out if she misses me at all. I don't want her to think that the solution to this pain - and she's in pain too - is splitting because I know that if we both make the genuine commitment to work on this probably that all that will lift and we'll never look back.

I know this is a long post and thanks for reading. It's a little cathartic actually to just write it down. My darling knows all this and she's accepted my sincerest apologies for everything I've done and we've really bared our souls in the last few weeks. But ultimately, saying all this doesn't actually change anything and it's all down to whether she can find that spark again, whether she can see any prospect of a happy future with me or whether she wants to cut her losses now while she feels like she still has a chance to start again somewhere down the line (she is 38).

I guess what I want to know is anyone who has been in a similar position - especially a woman. Did you get the love back? Is that possible? What's the best way for me to handle this all? I don't mean for me, I mean what's the best way for me to handle this for my girlfriend so that she hurts as little as possible? I absolutely don't want to try and smother her with my love and be pathetic - she still needs to see me as the strong man I am (I'm not an emotional person - part of my problem) and not some pathetic begging guy. That's why I do believe the space is important. She doesn't and wouldn't see couples therapy as helpful by the way, she knows her own mind.

Is there anything I can do to win her back? Not being with her will destroy me - it already is. How do people cope with this pain, it's horrific. If we do break for a month, would it be a good thing to try and go out together as friends or better to just be completely apart? What's best for her?

I am at the lowest ebb of my entire life. This is the most important thing that has ever happened to me. It's certainly been the biggest wake up call imaginable. I fear it's all too late though. I've no-one to blame but myself. I can and will make her happy and will dedicate my life to doing so, it's just whether I even get the chance to do that.

[Roussette]

What gives you the right to even think she might give you a second chance? You don't deserve one and I hope she manages to make a new life for herself without you. She deserves a medal for 13 years of this behaviour. I went through something similar for a far shorter time back in my 20's and isn't it interesting how men like you say they've changed and recognise their behaviour, just when they realise that yes, they are about to lose the person they've abused for years.

You say this: if there's any glimmer of hope then she needs distance from me to even just find out if she misses me at all. I don't want her to think that the solution to this pain - and she's in pain too - is splitting because I know that if we both make the genuine commitment to work on this probably that all that will lift and we'll never look back.
For god's sake man... she's in pain too? FFS she's been in pain for 13 years - yours has come about now you realise she has gained the strength to leave you. As for never looking back - wake up. How can anyone forget 13 years of abuse by someone who is supposed to love them? You are beyond deluded.

Too little, too late, let her go and don't turn on her when she 100% (hopefully) makes that decision.

[AnyFucker]

I would, and have, said stuff like this to people to their face.

[Simplesusan]

Let her go.

I know you think you can change but I seriously doubt it.

Will you be accepting if you get back together and she tells you she is going away for the weekend with her friends?

Then the following month she is on a girl' s night out. Are you seriously going to start being someone else because that is precisely what you are suggesting.

Move on and next time, if there is one, treat your new partner with respect.

[Simplesusan]

Oh and the fact that you don't argue in front of you dd, so what?

Your dd will see everything that her mum does and says compared to everything that her dad does and says. She will also pick up on mood and happiness. Is her mum beginning to be a happier person without you? Your dd will feel this and know damn well the damage you have caused.

[PacificDogwood]

Let her go.

Go and change if you truly want to

Then see if she is still/again interested in you.
You cannot make her love you again and what you are struggling with is that lack of control. Suck it up.

[daisychain01]

beyond deluded

^^^^

[thornrose]

You sound terrifying tbh. You also sound very familiar! [cynical] Perhaps it's just that men like you all follow the same 'script'.

It's over, if you love her let her go, as they say.

[aylesburyduck]

My advice mirrors that of previous posters. Let her go.

She has left because your actions and your words have eroded her self esteem. She doesn't love you. It doesn't matter whether you meant what you said or not, the fact is you said it. I am of the opinion that words spoken in anger are generally a truthful reflection of our feelings.

My STBXH came out with pretty much the exact same story as you have.... in fact I was almost predicting what your next paragraph would say. You come across as wholly concerned with yourself, and I suspect that should she give you a second chance your emotional abuse of her will continue and worsen.

Reread your original post; Step forward fifteen years; replace the word girlfriend with your daughters name. Your daughter is telling you that this is how she is being treated and this is how her partner is making her feel. What would you be saying to your daughter? What do you think you would feel? One would hope you would tell her in no uncertain terms to LTB, and that you would be utterly furious that some little shit weasel could treat your daughter so appallingly.

Afford your girlfriend the same courtesy. Her decision has been made - your relationship is over. You have spouted on and on about how you have changed and that you're a thoroughly decent chap these days. Accept that the relationship has failed in no small part because of your attitude and treatment of her and as a result of that you have royally fucked up.

You can gain back her respect by doing the right thing. Support your daughter and ex girlfriend in an appropriate manner and allow them the freedom to flourish as women away from a narcissist controller.

And finally - it's over. Deal with it.

[AskBasil]

YY, please don't delude yourself that you've been a good father.

You've taught your DD what to expect from an adult relationship with a man. She's now 10 years old, there's time to recover and re-learn and re-configure her expectations, please don't fuck that up for her by manoeuvring your gf into coming back to you.

And to add to what HoneyBadger has said and answer your question about "getting it back"; from my own POV I was in a relationship with a man who was less overtly abusive than you and I spent fucking years trying to make everything right, trying to "work at it" until I gave up. By the time it got to the stage of understanding that I had no more to give, I no longer wanted to go to relationship counselling, I just wanted out, I wanted to get this joy-sucking, life-sucking influence out of my life and that was the only thing I could focus on, I had no time or energy or will to focus on anything else at all. As TheHB describes, all the energy I had, I needed for myself, my children and my own recovery. I simply couldn't bear the thought of going through one more hour of trying to fix this shit and I expect that's how your girlfriend feels.

Incidentally I split up with him over 12 years ago and I still wrestle with some of the issues he caused / added to in my life. You have no clue of how much damage you've done and if you really want to atone for it, you really do need to give up on the idea that you will get back together with her. Your penance needs to be, to let her be happy without you. Anything else is just you being an entitled abuser in another guise and that's what people here are recognising very clearly. If it sounds harsh, it's because it's really necessary that you understand exactly what's going on here and are not enabled to hide behind this "oh woe is me, I've fucked up bad, what can I do to make it better" guff.

[ballsballsballs]

I had to check the dates in the OP because your post is the kind of self-serving bullshit that my abusive XH would have posted after I dumped him; he loved a bit of a dramatic swoon too.

I don't believe for a minute that your XGF isn't a Mumsnet user. Are you stalking her?

If you really care about her, leave her the hell alone and let her recover.

[Anniegetyourgun]

You know why so many posters are being mean? Because they've been there. They've been that woman, they've loved and forgiven and tried to make their partner see because they cared about him and wanted to keep a happy family unit together. They've started to break away, heard the promises and gone back for more. Then, once their eyes truly opened they have felt right proper idiots for having fallen for the "he's a nice guy, he can't help it, he's really learned his lesson" bullshit, yes, I say bullshit.

I have no doubt the OP was sincere when he wrote the opening post, and has every intention of being a good partner from now on. Just as XH was sincere when he listened to my explanation of why I believed our marriage was deader than the proverbial dodo, and said he realised he had behaved like an arsehole and it was all going to change. It lasted two days. Thing is, I don't think XH actually knows any other way of relating to a woman. He may change one or two behaviours, indeed did so over the years, but it always broke out again in a different form, the goalposts always subtly shifting. And yes, it was all about holding onto me (eg he loved me too much to let me go out for an evening where other male persons might be present in case I found myself unable to resist their inevitable advances; or to countenance me wearing a polo shirt with the top button undone in a public place, revealing a whole inch of sexy collarbone; or to let me take one of the DC up to town for the day knowing I'm such a brilliant sensible human being that I would be sure to stroll into traffic or hand the child and/or my handbag to a stranger to hold), when all he really had to do to keep me was stop playing stupid mind games and relate to me as one adult to another. It actually took quite a lot of hard work over a couple of decades to beat my love and loyalty thoroughly into the ground. But he was prepared to put that work in because... er?

If nothing else, my embarrassment at my own previous credulity would prevent me ever being able to go back. How could I have been such a gullible fool is an even stronger driver than how could be have been such an abusive arse, funnily enough. I say abusive; we had some great times too. Lots of laughter, and at one time plenty of nice family days out etc. If it was all bad, or even mostly bad, very few women would put up with the other stuff for five minutes, let alone a decade or two. We persist in believing the nice part is the real man, whilst the bad stuff is the result of damage we can just love better. Wrong - it's all of a piece. Some, at least, of the nice stuff is "playing nice" to keep us sweet, whilst some of the nasty stuff is deliberately dredged up to keep us second-guessing. And because they are behaving dishonestly, they can't imagine the woman is not playing dishonest games too. No wonder we couldn't win. We didn't know what the rules of the game were, or even that it was a game.

And when I'd finally decided that leaving was the only possible option, feet first if necessary (but fortunately it wasn't necessary), still tortured by doubts and guilt, a kindly friend sent me a link to the Mumsnet Relationships board. I was astonished and appalled to see XH's behaviour repeated over and over, like some kind of script, in many many threads. He wasn't even original, dammit! There were so many of them, all adopting the same patterns of behaviour and sometimes using even the very same words. There's an abuser's script, a cheater's script, and a cocklodger's script, and that's why so many regulars here can tell you before you tell us what your chap is going to do or say next.

I'll leave you with a last thought (not original, even on this thread, but hey ho). Why did it take the poor woman leaving to realise that that kind of behaviour is not on? Why, whatever she said, whatever her reaction, did none of it sink in until she gave up and buggered off? At what stage of the last 13 years could you have realistically thought to yourself "this is a very unhealthy way to conduct a relationship, I shall try to behave better, with counselling/therapy if necessary"? No, it's only the sound of the retreating footsteps of the belatedly recognised love of your life that made an impact. As long as she was there to put up with it you'd carry on dishing it out. Not so surprising that she has finally chosen to remove herself from the firing line.

I am not really addressing this to the OP, as I believe he will read it, take it to heart for a day or so, and then retreat from the pain by deciding to forgive himself for everything. It's more addressed to readers who wonder why the Relationships board is so full of cynical harpies. Not cynical, dear friend: experienced.

[SolidGoldBrass]

I actually really hope that the woman who found the strength to dump this tosspot gets to read this thread at some point, and that hearing so many other women tell him what an inadequate cock he is helps her on her journey away from him and his life-sucking, negative, useless behaviour.

If you are that woman: well done for getting out. Don't be fooled by his whining. He could have stopped being a cock at any point in the past 13 years but chose not to. He's still a cock now. Your life will just get better and better the further you grow away from him. Best of luck.

[caramelwaffle]

Annie has summed it up absolutely accurately.

[aylesburyduck]

SGB

I love you

[TheHoneyBadger]

for the ex of the OP if she reads this. good luck getting over things and moving on with your life.

[cheeseandpineapple]

OP, I'm sorry you, your DP and daughter are going through this. The prospect of any family unit separating can be devastating. That's tough for all of you.

Some harsh comments on this thread but the overriding message, whether sugar coated or not is that you should respect your partner's wishes. Your reaction to how she is feeling is likely to be adding to her emotional turmoil. Even if she did make a decision in your favour in the next few weeks, could you rule out, in all honesty whether she was doing it due to the guilt and pity she now probably feels. Fundamentally, she is a good person and your current behaviour is going to make her feel that she is soley responsible for splitting up the family because you now see the light.

The begging, the pleading, are going to leave her even more confused and uncertain about what is right for her. You're feeling devastated and no doubt she is feeling devasted too, plus she has the added burden of guilt because of your late remorse.

As others have said, you should not be setting a timeframe here. Respect her wishes and accept that you are going to be living apart indefinitely, without any expectation that she must make a decision within a fixed time period.

Get a grip emotionally, go see a therapist for yourself, not for a reconciliation but to deal with your issues, to understand why you were unable to appreciate what you had, while you had it so history does not repeat itself.

[springydaffs]

Don't tell him too much, mind, he'll only use it as a stick to beat her with/give him a get-out clause. Let him find it out himself.

Perpetrator programme, OP, as soon as. They (the group, not just the leaders) won't put up with your shit/excuses around this. They know all about drama as a smokescreen for what's really going on.

[AskBasil]

Are there many good perpetrator programmes Springydaffs?

How does one go about finding one?

There's always a lot of guff talked about anger mgmt when abuse is mentioned, but as I understand it, perp programmes are different? Who runs them?

[PacificDogwood]

Oh, I'd be interested in the answer to those questions too, Basil

[TheHoneyBadger]

anger management programmes are totally inappropriate because of the obvious fact that abusers have no problems 'managing' their anger elsewhere re: not punching their boss, not mismanaging it around other men who might retaliate.

my impression of perpetrator programmes is that they are more about taking responsibility for own's behaviour and developing empathy for the people you've hurt. that may be wishful thinking though.

[Lweji]

As for the OP saying there were or won't be threats of suicide. If the gp story is true, it can only be if he did threaten suicide to her.

As others said, many of us have seen the script. Even the apparently self-realisation stage that you seem to be at now.

And as pointed out, I'm not even mentioning some aspects of it should you make use of them.

All you need to know is that if you truly love your partner (not gf, she's the mother of your child and you shared a life fgs), then you let her go and facilitate splitting up as much as possible. Start moving on with your life and forget about her.

[springydaffs]

If he's serious, he will find a perp programme. 'When' he gets there he'll meet perps like him who won't be able to use 'but I never hit her!' justification to excuse the years of emotional, psychological etc abuse they doled out to their poor partners.

[Anniegetyourgun]

Google it, lazy peeps. One quick look through "domestic violence perpetrator programmes uk" throws up Respect for starters - I've even heard of that one.

Note that domestic violence doesn't have to include knocking people about. It can also include emotional, financial or any other form of abuse. The mindset that leads to it is the same; it's just a question of degree/method. So don't go telling yourself "I never laid a finger on her" (assuming that's true) as some kind of justification for not working on yourself. A pickpocket doesn't get off in court because someone else robbed a bank.

[Anniegetyourgun]

Ha, x-post Springy!

[springydaffs]

It could look like I'm using a broad brush but ALL PERPS ARE THE SAME so a broad brush is appropriate. I would love one to be different but I've yet to find one because they don't exist