My girlfriend of 13 years has fallen out of love with me & wants to split - I need help

[dylanp]

Hi, I've specifically come on here because I wanted to try and get some impartial advice - and maybe some coping strategies too - from people who may have found themselves in my own crushing position or who can empathise and understand how the beautiful woman I am engaged to (and have been with for 13 years - we have a 10 year old daughter too) feels.

Where to start.

Firstly, there's no infidelity. Never has been, never would be - I love my partner and she's the one. She always has been. We've been together a long time and had many many happy times, we're best friends, we have loads in common, we've been through a lot together and I absolutely adore her. We have an incredible daughter and we're a great family. We've had problems over recent years - money, illness, stress etc. but things are actually on the up. We've almost cleared all our debts and will have a lot more disposable income. My business is really starting to go places. My girlfriend is doing great with her job - a job where she really helps people and has an impact. Everybody likes my girlfriend - she's a beautiful, kind and funny person and I want to point out from the start that I'm the bad guy in all this, she's done nothing wrong. Everything that's happening has been brought on by me. I have so many regrets and I have been such an idiot for such a long time.

Until recently - until I woke up that is - I have always put myself first. I've been lazy and incredibly selfish. It's always been a case of it's my way or the highway. I've controlled her, manipulated her and mentally abused her. I've never lifted a finger towards her - I'm certainly not that kinda guy - but I've said terrible things to her. Things I never ever meant but said to lash out. Things I've said to win arguments. Things I've said out of an inflated sense of entitlement and/or out of bravado. I've often not listened. When I've listened I've not heard. When she's needed love from me, although I absolutely always have been in love with her, I didn't show it or say the right things. I've been lazy and not appreciated the things that have been important to her - simple things that I could easily have done. I've not focussed on making her happy - I've focussed on getting her tow my line and to be honest, god knows why because I don't want to change the wonderful person she is and never have so I have no idea what I was even trying to achieve. I've been a complete tool. I'll give you some examples of the awful things I've said. I've told her in the past that I was only with her because of our daughter. That was never true and I have no excuse for ever having said that. I told her once in the middle of a fiery row why doesn't she go hang herself. What kind of person says that? What the f* was wrong with me? I obviously never meant it. The thought of me ever doing anything that hurts her makes me feel physically sick, end of the day she is my best friend, the only person who has ever 'got me'. When she's really needed me, I've just not noticed. I haven't noticed the pain she's been in and she's rightfully lost respect for me over a long period of time.

We've had a few tough years - she was ill for over a year, work was difficult and from then forwards we haven't had much of a sex life. When we do it's fantastic - always has been - and for me that's one of the ways I connect. I've always thought that was enough and when we do connect like that, I can beat the world, it motivates me. I'd like to stress she's never withheld sex out of any kind of thing where she's playing games. Now of course I know that there's a lot more to it than sex - the sex starts way before the act in the little things - the talking, the closeness, the overall environment. Anyway, I've pressed and pressed the issue why - thinking of myself yet again. I've been raising the issue for months - and putting the blame on her, telling her we need to work on things. Thing is though, she's been working on it for a long, long time and I just haven't noticed.

I have changed a lot as a person over the last year or two - for the better. The old me is dead and I hate the person I was. We were so in love and we're so right for each other.

Anyway, it's come to a head and after a couple of weeks of anguish, soul searching, lots of talking and tears from both of us she's told me that she doesn't feel like she's in love with me anymore and that we should probably split. She feels like she's lost herself - lost the bubbly, happy person that she was. She's become numb. She's carried me and it's drained her. And she's right.

Now, when I heard those words, I basically collapsed. I have basically not eaten for over a week, I can't sleep and I couldn't cope or function at all. It was so bad that I went to the doctor who examined me, insisted I lie down and she personally went to the chemist, gave me valium there and then plus a prescription, cancelled her other appointments and sat and talked with me for almost an hour. The valium has helped me cope and it's been crucial because it is unfair on my girlfriend to see me in such a mess and feel like she's the cause. She can't be my therapist and shouldn't be. It's about what she feels, not what I feel.

I have complete clarity on what I want which is all well and good. But it's about what she wants. Of all the horrible things I have done, the worst would be to get her to stay with me out of pity and have her live a life where she's not happy. I desperately want her to be happy, she deserves it more than anyone I know.

She knows I am genuinely sorry for everything I have done. She knows I am utterly in love with her. She knows I will dedicate the rest of my life to being a better man and making her happy - not because I have to but because I want to. Her being happy makes me happy. There's not a bad bone in that girls body, she's a wonderful mother, an incredible girlfriend, she's kind, interesting, funny, super sexy and to be frank she should have left me years ago. Maybe we could have had more chance fixing it then while she still felt in love with me. But all these things are for nothing because it's about what she feels. We do both agree that the love is probably still there inside her - it's been too strong a bond and too deep a love not to be. But it's hidden and covered by all these negative emotions caused by me. She can't see the wood for the trees basically because of all this negative currency I have built up over the years. God I have been such a stupid fool, I've hurt her and I really don't deserve any better than what's happening to me now. There's been a lot of dumb trust issues too from my behalf - stuff born out of macho paranoia on my part. I've made her feel uncomfortable many times just going out to see her friends and it's something she rarely does anyway. I've basically tried to keep her to myself and it's back to the controlling person that I was.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not a terrible guy. I'm kind, I am thoughtful, I do and have done a lot of good things and most of our time together has been wonderful. I really hope she can think of all those moments and not just the negative ones. I hope she can think of the love in my eyes whenever I have looked into hers because that has always been the case. I hope she can bring back all the feelings as to why she fell in love with me.

It's like the stages of grief isn't it? I've been through denial, I've been through bargaining, I've been through begging (not with her, I know that's not right or fair) and I've been through anger (at myself). I'll never get through acceptance because not being with her will be my cancer.

Anyway, there is no acrimony. We talk, we hug each other, we kiss but all as you would between friends - which we are. I've made silly threats to her in the past - long ago and not of violence but of making her feel like it would be a nightmare if she ever left me. This is no excuse but I only ever did that out of fear of losing her. I'd never ever have done anything. I'm so terrified now of losing her, I genuinely feel like someone on death row must feel the night before they get executed. I will never do anything to hurt her again. Even if god forbid we do split, I will always be a great friend to her, I will always provide, she can have the house and everything in it. For all my many flaws past and present I am a great dad and we both have an amazing relationship with our daughter and that will never change. I think my daughter - who's smart as anything - will understand if we did split but of course, I am desperate not to hurt her. Again, to reiterate, my girlfriend/love of my life is not doing anything wrong here -she's grieved over a period of years. She's suffered. She's tried and I haven't seen it.

Anyway, where we are now is this. I realise she needs space. Space to try and fight through the rubble and find out whether there are any feelings still there. So initially I have moved out for 4 days. It's the hardest thing I have ever done. We've worked it so our daughter doesn't actually know what's going on which is good.

I said to her earlier that I think she probably needs at least a month and that's probably what we will do. Again, it kills me to be apart from her for 5 minutes but I think if there's any glimmer of hope then she needs distance from me to even just find out if she misses me at all. I don't want her to think that the solution to this pain - and she's in pain too - is splitting because I know that if we both make the genuine commitment to work on this probably that all that will lift and we'll never look back.

I know this is a long post and thanks for reading. It's a little cathartic actually to just write it down. My darling knows all this and she's accepted my sincerest apologies for everything I've done and we've really bared our souls in the last few weeks. But ultimately, saying all this doesn't actually change anything and it's all down to whether she can find that spark again, whether she can see any prospect of a happy future with me or whether she wants to cut her losses now while she feels like she still has a chance to start again somewhere down the line (she is 38).

I guess what I want to know is anyone who has been in a similar position - especially a woman. Did you get the love back? Is that possible? What's the best way for me to handle this all? I don't mean for me, I mean what's the best way for me to handle this for my girlfriend so that she hurts as little as possible? I absolutely don't want to try and smother her with my love and be pathetic - she still needs to see me as the strong man I am (I'm not an emotional person - part of my problem) and not some pathetic begging guy. That's why I do believe the space is important. She doesn't and wouldn't see couples therapy as helpful by the way, she knows her own mind.

Is there anything I can do to win her back? Not being with her will destroy me - it already is. How do people cope with this pain, it's horrific. If we do break for a month, would it be a good thing to try and go out together as friends or better to just be completely apart? What's best for her?

I am at the lowest ebb of my entire life. This is the most important thing that has ever happened to me. It's certainly been the biggest wake up call imaginable. I fear it's all too late though. I've no-one to blame but myself. I can and will make her happy and will dedicate my life to doing so, it's just whether I even get the chance to do that.

[maras2]

Oh, and if you think that a 10 year old girl doesn't know what's going on, then you are seriously deluded.

[mumtosome61]

Yes - agree with JaceyBee OP - maybe the appointment with your doctor could be followed up and you could explain the full extent of what has happened? I still think you should let go of your girlfriend, but with work and appropriate help emotional abuse need not be your 'go to' in the future.

[gamerchick]

You're saying that because there is still hope inside of you.. when that hope is completely snuffed out you may act differently.

I really hope for all of your sakes that you do as you're saying.

[ScarlettlovesRhett]

Good grief!

If you go on and on and on and on to your girlfriend as much as you have on here, no wonder she can't take anymore.

It's all about you, isn't it? Good luck to her, she's left you for a reason - she is not a possession that you can lay claim to; I suspect the only reason you 'want' her so badly now is because you can't bear the thought of losing one of your 'things' without your say-so.

[hammyspammy]

If what you said in your last post is exactly what you'll do then that's a good start - the last thing she'll need right now is emotional blackmail or to have to fight you over custody etc, doing either of those to her would be downright cruel, verging on evil. But smaller things can be harmful too, like trying to work out how to get her back rather than focusing 100% on what you can do for her. That's love, and if you really love her it might mean you've lost her for good - but that should be ok (not pleasant I grant you) but ok, because you know it's best for her.

The last line of your OP said "I fear it's all too late though. I've no-one to blame but myself. I can and will make her happy and will dedicate my life to doing so, it's just whether I even get the chance to do that." which I'm sorry is completely the wrong attitude. You already have the chance to make her happy, it just might be without a relationship with you. So yes, you already have the chance. Dedicate your life to making her happy - right now she wants you out so that's what you do. If you need emotional support you bugger off elsewhere and get it.

Hard as it might be, you should be working to completely clear your mind of thoughts that you might get back together or might be able to win her back. She needs one thing - to have her wishes respected and your daughter needs one thing - a good, non-abusive dad. So get yourself settled into being single, let your gf get on with her life and be the best damn dad you can. One day, a long way down the road, perhaps your ex-gf might want to give it another go but it should be because she's seen how genuinely changed you are and is practically begging to get back together with you (figure of speech, don't expect her to beg) - NOT because it was what you wanted and worked towards.

[dylanp]

Maras, we never shout, we don't argue, we do a lot as a family and we're very affectionate together. We're incredibly good friends, the three of us. When these things have happened - and I do stress that they were rare and not the norm (no excuse) - it was never obvious to our daughter. Our daughter, for both of us, is the most important thing, we are good parents, she's a very happy girl. Of course, she must sense some kind of gloom at the moment. And if it comes to a split she will get through it with both of us. I will always provide, I will always be there for my daughter and there will never be any nastiness from me ever to my partner, I'm really not that guy. I think I have painted a worse picture of me than is probably fair but I wanted to try and put words and terms to my actions. I get the pushback towards me, it's deserved. People can change, I did and have. But it is probably way too late and she needs to be happy in life. Maybe you're all right I am not the person to make her happy given past events and if that's the case so be it. Whatever decision she makes is the right one.

[Twinklestein]

Yes you can be so awful for so long that it kills someone's love for you. That's what you've done.

Saying that you can see you were an arsehole, and actually stopping being an arsehole are two completely different things. The latter takes a lifetime's commitment to put into practice.

All of these dramatics are simply a continuation of control, so you haven't actually changed a bit.

Let her go, she will go anyway, but you will find it easier to deal with if you accept the reality.

[expatinscotland]

Dear god. What a waste of five minutes of my life. It's still All About You.

[coppertop]

"there will never be any nastiness from me ever to my partner, I'm really not that guy."

You've been "that guy" for at least 13 years!

You also seem incredibly naive about what your daughter will have picked up. And of course there won't have been any arguing. That's because your ex has learned to tiptoe around you.

[hammyspammy]

Thing is, it's not down to you to decide how bad things really were, whether or not you've painted it as 'worse' or not. If they were that bad that she wants a split then go with it. If SHE later decides 'actually, that was a bit of a fuss over a few cross words' then fine, she can suggest talking it through, giving it another go, whatever, but it ALL has to come from her. She's 'numb' so however bad or not it was enough damage has been done - step away and leave it up to her.

Stats be damned, I firmly believe no-one has ever lost out by NOT being in a relationship that could have worked but people, and especially kids, lose out every day by being part of relationships that aren't working.

[Itsfab]

"I don't want her to feel a shred of guilt"

That is big of you and why the hell would she? She hasn't done anything wrong.

[Nomama]

Euw! OP, I am really sorry but reading all of that has left me feeling dirty, spat upon, worse!

I appreciate you feel sincere, but please, read it back with her name in place of yours.... what would you think?

I think you have been as bad as you say, very hard work and abusive, threatening, extremely unpleasant. She has had enough, you have killed off what you loved.

PLEASE let her go, and continue getting help for yourself. If you have been at all sincere here you need to gain control of yourself before you repeat this behaviour with a new partner - and push your current one and your daughter away for good.

[butterflygardens]

I don't mean to be funny but why are you all being so mean? I'm not excusing what he's done but he admits it and he knows he is in the wrong. He is desperate to put it right. People make mistakes yes even treating people wrongly can be a mistake. As long as he is truly sorry and puts her first. He is asking for help and you lot berating does not help does it really? Talk about judging someone. I know he has done wrong and she has suffered. But life isn't black and white. They are real people and have a child. Sometimes things need to be sorted out. Just help him rather than admonish him. I don't care if I get abuse but sometimes people on here are very rude.

[daisychain01]

And I don't do rage or anything like that how admirable

I make no excuses for loving her though nor do I excuse being a twat up until a few years back. She's seen me totally change since then but the damage was done excuses for loving her? No Im sorry, that word love is easy to say but it's just clanking around like an empty vessel.

Reading through my post, it probably does sound self centred because I am hurting My ex spent about 8 years doing all the stuff you described and when I walked away he spent as much effort as you snivelling about how hurt he was and how he would change. Letter after letter would arrive through my door gushing exactly like you have, it must have taken you hours! Why oh why do people spend a decade being an arsehole to someone they profess to love, what a friggin waste of the other person's life. Then think they can put it all right when the train has left the station a loooooong time ago.

[scottishmummy]

Oh Gosh!where are our manners one must politely tell him he is omnipotent bully?

[aziraphale]

If "whatever decision she makes is the right one" why are you posting? Are you asking to see if searching our hearts as women we are able to offer you some hope? From your OP, objectively there is none. Focus on your daughter and helping her through the split. You are wrong that she will get over it, she won't but she will accept the reality that you present to her. Prepare yourself for some tough questions. Your focus should be on the person you still have a relationship with, not your ex.

[Nomama]

Butteflygardens, there would be no point in telling OP that he is in with a chance of full on forever reconciliation. That would be unfair to him.

The sheer weight of that first post and the apparent insight of following posts suggests that, taken at face value, OP knows his current relationship is dead in the water but still clings to the hope that he can, by sheer dint of wanting make it right. But, as others have said, it is no longer his to put right. That ship has sailed - or will do shortly.

[aziraphale]

Oh and in your exes next relationship, whenever that may be, I hope you can handle her happiness with a man that respects her and listens to her. Because you will have to sit aside and watch her be happy. If you love her, that is.

[VerityWaves]

Poor woman.

[daisychain01]

You've said it just right, nomama, it's the thought that "Ive decided now that because I've changed, that automatically means you have to love me again". And so it shall be thus....

Riiiight.......

[Quitelikely]

Well you have changed and I think you deserve credit for that. I am glad you have finally realised what is important in life. I hope you are translating everything you put here in real life terms to your partner and I do hope you get one more chance at this relationship for the sake of your daughter if anything.

I am pleased you have been reflecting upon your behaviour and realise what a bad person you were back then. Don't be fooled into thinking that your child was unaware of things and situations. How do you think you became the person you were? I imagine you were exposed to some poor behaviour as a youngster and were repeating it as an adult in your own relationship. Your daughter could well seek out a personality like yours when she is older so please bear that in mind. This is usually how patterns repeat themselves.

As far as I'm concerned if you have indeed changed then you deserve a second chance. Good luck with it all. You can only do your best and if it fails then at best you will know you tried your hardest, at worst you will know your previous behaviour ruined it and that you should never return to those ways.

[Lweji]

Butterfly, she has probably gone through this before. Promises of change. The I love yous.
She has probably found out that he actually doesn't. He may have got less bad, but I bet he still is manipulative and abusive in less obvious ways (as shown by the OP).
She has given up, quite rightly. His slightly improved behaviour has probably allowed her to feel that she can set herself free. I just hope she can.

[Back2Two]

Life is way too short for this sort of drama.

You've stolen enough of her life and energy and if you do really, honestly! hand on your heart, think you have changed and believe that you love these two human beings then you need to back the fuck off and give them their lives back. As others have said, your daughter needs to learn another way in order to not be being told by her "lover" in a few years time that she is unworthy and should go hang herself. How does that thought make you feel?

You need to work on yourself. They are not a part of your recovery.

[Back2Two]

I don't feel it's fair for people here to be sarcastic and dismissive.
But, at the same time, your OP sounds dangerously self-obsessed and self-important.

You've a long way to go and I really wish you all the best. Personality issues are hard to crack and take a lot of work. Some of your intentions do appear to be honest. None of you can move forward unless you let go of this relationship as a "boyfriend -girlfriend" relationship.

She owes you nothing emotionally.

[springydaffs]

You've killed her stone dead, over many years. That is an exquisite torture - and you think it's going to be sorted out in the four days/month you have so graciously given her. You really have no idea at all what you've done, the colossal damage you have wrought.

The GP who cleared her appts? Perhaps you have the knack of winding foolish women around your little finger with your self-serving histrionics. Give it a break eh.

That poor, poor woman. Your ex that is. You will make everything about you for ever. Even this ffs.