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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DP just exploded and stormed out

83 replies

Itsunderthesofaffs · 07/07/2014 21:50

We have a fair amount of stuff to deal with at the moment and he is feeling very stressed so I think it's a culmination of things but he just completed lost it at me. He started a new job not so long ago and is quite stressed he says.

He says he is behind at the moment and wants to start early and finish late. I asked him if this is going to be a regular thing as we have very small DCs and he went crazy saying things like stop winding me up, you're ring totally unfair asking me that you know I'm behind and haven't been in recently. He then proceeded to tell me it's a loaded question and next minute I'll accuse him of lying about it. We've had trust issues as he's lied before. He then proceeded tell me that I'll probably accuse him of shagging half the office and yes that's exactly what he will e doing.

I hadn't said a word during this entire outburst.

I'm now in another room pretending to be asleep.

I honestly don't know where this came from apart from us falling out this weekend over my upset at his general lack of support and understanding of my sheet and utter exhaustion due to looking after small DC with no support.

Any ideas?

OP posts:

wallaby73 · 07/07/2014 22:01

Sorry to say i think that's exactley what he is doing already......hence the explosion making it look "all your fault"....take care xxx

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/07/2014 22:03

If 'stormed out' means he's gone elsewhere suggest you properly lock and bolt all doors, then get some sleep. When he's ready to apologise, talk to each other.

Bogeyface · 07/07/2014 22:09

Oh dear.

Why would he say that you will accuse him of cheating when you never said a word about it? Guilty conscience thats why. That and "Well I know you were thinking it so I thought I might as well do it". Basically he is making whatever he does next to be your fault, the emotional distancing is text book too.

I hope I'm wrong :(

Lweji · 07/07/2014 22:10

Another one whose first thought was he is actually shagging someone else.

Hassled · 07/07/2014 22:12

When he lied before what was it about? Little white lies or serious shit?

Is the job the type he could reasonably get very stressed about and where work could pile up so he's always "behind"?

MillyDots · 07/07/2014 22:14

So is he saying that he is behind at work and needs to catch up and he is stressed about it? And he got angry because you are asking how long he will need to be doing extra hours as you have to cope with a child on your own?

Original poster

Itsunderthesofaffs · 07/07/2014 22:18

I accused him of having an affair when I was pregnant. He made a comment about a female colleague and for some reason I jumped to that as a conclusion. This was 2 years ago.

He then lied about her doing something at an event the were all at. I knew she was there so I don't know why he lied. He says it was to stop any confrontation. It was an awful period. He has form for lying about stupid things.

I feel a bit sick.

OP posts:

Original poster

Itsunderthesofaffs · 07/07/2014 22:19

Yes milly. He says I asked a loaded question. I think I've a right to know how long he's working for. We have two under two.

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 07/07/2014 22:23

I'm sorry but this is sounding worse and worse.

You didnt ask a loaded question but he heard one, because he knows more about what he is doing with his time than you do. I very much doubt the stress is work related, more work mate related.

theendoftheendoftheend · 07/07/2014 22:24

I think jumping to the conclusion he is having an affair of some sort is a massive assumption. He sounds very stressed. It could be the pressure of work and 2 under 2. It happens to the best of us at times.

sleepysleepy · 07/07/2014 22:27

I will get shot down, but it is also entirely possible he's under a huge amount of pressure and struggling to balance demands from work and demands from home.

Doesn't make exoding right but it is another possibility rather than shagging half the office.

I'd sleep it off then try an have an open conversation about things in the morning. Are you under financial pressure?

MillyDots · 07/07/2014 22:27

It sounds like he didn't tell you about the female because you had already accused him of having an affair and he wasn't so he was scared to make you feel like that again. Maybe.

If he needs to work to catch up then its not really something he is doing for pleasure though is it? Maybe he is behind and he is scared of losing his job. I know its not easy with little kids (mine were very close together too) but if he has to work then is there any other choice?
My DH worked long shifts and was called out a lot. We had no other family to help at all so it was left to me.

sleepysleepy · 07/07/2014 22:28

Ah, I see in the time it took to write that someone else has come along to suggest the same thing.

Careful you're not falling into the competitive misery game (whose life is harder)

Guiltypleasures001 · 07/07/2014 22:29

Huge projection of his guilt on to you then the badly done deflection technique. He's either got an ow or is in the process.

Original poster

Itsunderthesofaffs · 07/07/2014 22:31

He hasn't been in today so he is starting early and staying late and has says it was a shitty thing to ask as he does everything for everyone and basically I'm ungrateful and asking something like that is shitty and how can I not understand how it's not a shitty thing.

Yes accusing of having an affair based on nothing was not my finest moment.

Yes under the worst financial pressure imaginable and it wasn't expected.

He's had enough of my shitty attitude towards him too.

OP posts:

MillyDots · 07/07/2014 22:33

You said "we have had trust issues" but from what you have written you are the one with the trust issues it would seem. Would he really be wanting to go into work early in the morning if he were having an affair?
More likely he would want to work weekends and late but not early.
I don't know OP, it just doesn't seem like there is something going on here other than him being stressed. Do you work outside the home? Do you have money troubles?

Original poster

Itsunderthesofaffs · 07/07/2014 22:35

I uses to work but DC are tiny. Recent massive financial setback and he is sole earner after redundancy.

I have developed a crippling anxiety disorder recently.

It's a bit horrible at the moment if I'm honest.

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 07/07/2014 22:35

Leaving aside the possibility of OW, I suggest you say to him, when he is calm or email him if you think its better, that if you were not at home with the kids then he wouldnt be able to work those hours so all you ask is that he treats you with respect about it. That it is not unreasonable to ask how long the longer hours are going to be, and that him blowing up at you was not acceptable. Tell him that you want to respect and support him but you are finding it very hard to do so when he verbally attacks you and wont discuss anything rationally.

If he will then talk about things, good. If he uses it as another weapon, you may have your answer.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/07/2014 22:36

I'm really not getting 'OW' from this. Two DCs under 2 are tough going but so is a FT job which is presumably keeping the wolf from the door financially. Are you a SAHM?

MillyDots · 07/07/2014 22:37

Well from what you have just said I don't think he is having an affair. As I said, I know its hard with little kids but if he is having such a hard time and needing to work extra to make ends meet then I can understand him feeling even more pressure from you.

sleepysleepy · 07/07/2014 22:38

You need to give each other a break. He's stressed, you're stressed. Pull together, don't argue as to whose life is hardest

Life's a bit shit for you both, don't let your anxiety get the better of you over this.

Original poster

Itsunderthesofaffs · 07/07/2014 22:40

Yes sahm and struggling so much. I feel utterly useless and inept. I cry all the time and then feel like I'm
being so ungrateful and wallowing in self pity.

He seems very angry with me about it all but I'm struggling. My friends have all disowned me too it seems.

He refuses to communicate with me and when I try this sort of thing happens. He used to be so kind and caring but not anymore.

We are trying to move somewhere bigger but that's all been put on hold unfortunately.

Yes, it's all quite tricky.

OP posts:

MillyDots · 07/07/2014 22:40

Is your anxiety making you need him there more OP? That's hard going but he needs to work. I think you need to find ways to deal with the anxiety first otherwise it will affect your life.

Original poster

Itsunderthesofaffs · 07/07/2014 22:41

I think we are a little bit resentful of each other so the pulling together bit is a mammoth task sadly.

We are both incredibly stubborn.

OP posts:

MillyDots · 07/07/2014 22:42

There are some really good books that you could get to help you get to grips with the anxiety and overcome it and change your life around. Im not surprised your anxious with everything .

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