DP just exploded and stormed out

[Itsunderthesofaffs]

We have a fair amount of stuff to deal with at the moment and he is feeling very stressed so I think it's a culmination of things but he just completed lost it at me. He started a new job not so long ago and is quite stressed he says.

He says he is behind at the moment and wants to start early and finish late. I asked him if this is going to be a regular thing as we have very small DCs and he went crazy saying things like stop winding me up, you're ring totally unfair asking me that you know I'm behind and haven't been in recently. He then proceeded to tell me it's a loaded question and next minute I'll accuse him of lying about it. We've had trust issues as he's lied before. He then proceeded tell me that I'll probably accuse him of shagging half the office and yes that's exactly what he will e doing.

I hadn't said a word during this entire outburst.

I'm now in another room pretending to be asleep.

I honestly don't know where this came from apart from us falling out this weekend over my upset at his general lack of support and understanding of my sheet and utter exhaustion due to looking after small DC with no support.

Any ideas?

Obsessing is part and parcel of anxiety issues. You feel that its real but it's not.

No don't want medication I want to sort it out and for me I'm not sure medication is the solution as the anxiety is new.

I realised today how bad it is as I went to the doctor convinced something terrible was going in and she looked at me and said breather. If you're anxious you're not breathing and that can make you're body react in ways you won't believe. I was utterly shocked. She was spot on. All the physical sensations I'd been having had been anxiety all along. In a way it was such a relief to know that.

I don't really know much about anxiety as I've not admitted it's a problem until very very recently and now that I've accepted it I can see what I've been doing to everyone.

I want to get better so badly but I keep slipping back into it and I can see things that I have done and I'm starting to realise the anxiety has been the root cause. I've not dealt with any MH issues before so I'm really lost in all of this.i had my first DC on my own right the way through and was fine. Not this time around though which you'd think would be a breeze.

You really sound like you could do with some support OP. Do you have a homestart near you? Or what's your HV like? Could you start by talking to her?

Also do you go to any playgroups where you could chat to other mums?

I'm sure that however much you feel like you are not doing a good job I bet you are. If the DC are fed/watered/safe. Apart from that all they need is a bit of care and attention, nothing else or anything fancy. Two under two is hard work for anyone. Be easy on yourself and just try to relax into it. And go to your GP re the anxiety/PND. Don't struggle on on your own, get help.

Ok. There are lots of books on dealing with anxiety. Have a look st reviews on amazon and get the ones that stand out to you. Also there will be threads on here on anxiety if you put it in the search bar. You will find lotss of help in going over the threads and will ser that you ate not alone. If you are not on contraception then you could try good quality St. Johns wort which is used in Europe to treat moderate depression and anxiety. I take it and its like bottled sunshine . Keeps me positive and upbeat.

Sorry x post. Go back to your GP. It's alright saying breathe (and it is important ) but I think you probably need more help than that. Don't dismiss medication though it can be very helpful to cope through a difficult time and help you to recover alongside other therapies or just on its own. Talk it through with your GP.

Can I suggest a good quality vit D supplement too - often helps with anxiety imo.

For me, prescription medication has been a lifesaver in recovery from pnd. Once the anxiety/depression is under control it will be so so much easier to deal with other worries.

OP

I didn't read your OP as screaming 'OW', if I'm honest with you. The stress at work thing could be completely viable.

Yes, it's always a possiblity... but he is going out to work; he feels the pressure of financial responsibility for all of you; he's stressed about getting behind; he knows that the solution is to start early and finish late; he doesn't want to do that; he doesn't want to leave he house any earlier than he already does, and he knows he's going to be tired at the end of the day; he knows that the pressure/discomfort he feels at work is going to last for longer as his working day will be longer; he also knows what you're going to be thinking because you've thought it before; he doesn't need the stress of that on top of the other stress he's feeling; having a partner with anxiety is very hard...

I'm not going to be so magnanimous as to suggest that he feels guilty about leaving you with the young children for longer because, to be honest, he probably hasn't considered what that is going to feel like to you. He heard your question, not as a cry for help, or a fear of being on your own for longer during the day with the children without him/adult company/support... but instead as a critcisim of him for doing something he doesn't want to do either, but has no choice in because he needs to financially provide for you.

And of course, it's not your fault you were made redundant and it was both of your choice to have 2 small children, but now he is feeling under a huge pressure to keep it all afloat.

And of course, you are looking at this from an entirely different perspective. Because there are as many sides to a story as there are people telling it. All sides can be 'true', just different.

As for taking medication, it does annoy me when people have health concerns and won't take medication. If you found out you had cancer would you not accept chemo then on the ground that you'd only been recently diagnosed..? No, of course you wouldn't. I had quite bad anxiety for a long time. I took ADs for it and it does help. It's not a sticking plaster or a false help, it genuinely helps you to get from one end of the day to the other and gives you the opportunity to address the issues in your life that are causing you difficulty and to see things clearly.

I don't want to sound hard, but it's actually quite selfish to not take medication for an illness you have when it impacts so heavily on those around you (and it does).

I'm only anxious around him. He shouts a lot of the time and I'm never allowed to express how I feel without getting a mouthful about how unfair and wrong I am and how I'm stressing him out. He refuses to discuss anything calmly. I feel exhausted around him all the time.

He says the same about me.

My question is really is it anxiety or is he not being entirely honest. How do I tell one from the other. I've been reading a few other relationships and the general consensus is if you have some sort of feeling something isn't above board then usually there is an 'OW' lurking about. Some posters here have even said as much.

It's hard to see the wood from the trees especially when there is no communication so I'm
Struggling to relax with him and let him get on with it.

I think firstly, see yourself right - talk to your health visitor and/or gp. Ask her about HomeStart. Severe pnd is not going to go away on its own, and you need support of some kind. Tbh I feel as though even a few friendly faces through the day would make a huge difference for you.

Make the phone call today

The more you write the more I think you're incompatible as a couple. Relationships are tested by stressful events and, in a good relationship, the stress means you pull together. In a bad relationship the stress will split you apart. There is no love in this story whatsoever. There's too much anger, anxiety and resentment going on. There's no trust, no respect and you don't even appear to like each other very much. You seem incapable of communicating without resorting to blame and accusations. This is now an entrenched bad habit and, if you can't start talking kindly and honestly to each other soon (either independently or via a counsellor), it's going to be too late.

How long had you been together before the DCs came along?

We had been together less than a year. Yes,not ideal.

About the OW, if you have given him lots of grief about that possibility, that would explain his words and the rant. If you haven't, then his words when ranting are suggestive that there is.

It is difficult to evaluate the dynamics, as it sounds like chicken and egg ATM.
It may be worth having joint and individual counselling to sort it out. But he also has to be committed to improving the relationship. If he comes out as only you're at fault, then you should leave.

Oh yes we've done potential OW to death.

I would look at going to your GP to explain the situation, and start to help yourself. Regardless of where the marriage is going, you owe it to yourself and your DCs to get appropriate help. That isn't going to go away...

Secondly, maybe you should both go to see a counsellor to see if the relationship is a go-er or a non starter.

Lastly, Homestart will help you with practical and emotional help. You can self refer, or go via your GP or HV. Its not means tested.

Folkgirl many people with cancer do not have chemo as their is.a lot of controversy around it and that it is so depleting to the body that it in itself will kill them. Antidepressants are not always the way to deal with depression and anxiety. Learning how to deal with it and overcome it yourself gives you the tools to use again and again. It's not always chemical.
OP, you keep focusing on him having an affair as being your answer to why you feel this way. You are blaming him for your anxiety. You are part of the dynamics of why the two of you are not able to be happy.

Millydots

When you put it so simply! It's a relief in a way to be certain it's anxiety and not reality as with the correct tools (which I currently don't have) we can move past this.

As Cog says yes in many ways we are incompatible but fundamentally if we can try and res

"I'm only anxious around him"
This looks like a red flag to me. I would seriously suggest you get some advice about this.
It could be the problem is him not anything medical.

olve the more pressing issues then mate we have some hope of salvinging what's left.

I've read so many posts from other women on here that affairs seem inevitable so I'm almost waiting for it to happen. It's terrible and irrational and I have no idea how to stop it.

What do I say to my GP? They know I have this general anxiety disorder but as I've never experience and other issues say it's a lifestyle/situational problem.

Mummytime

What sort of advice? Why is it a red flag?

Talking to a counsellor would be your best bet. Get help to stop the same old thoughts going round and round. You have said that only your youngest child is his. As both children are under two and you havnt been together long maybe you don't really know each other. What happened in your previous relationship?

Well that statement sounds as though he could be a major cause of your anxiety.
Do you feel calmer when he isn't around?

I would suggest you tell your GP some of what you have said here. It could be that your anxiety is making you suspicious. However it could also be that your intuition is making you suspicious and anxious, or even that you are sensing something which with your anxiety problems are interacting.

Some counselling, to try to find the source of some of your anxiety and ways to deal with it; could help you start to see thinks a little more clearly.

You really need RL advice and help. It is too complicated for advice over the internet to be anything but possibly dangerous.