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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Totally disgusted with myself...

88 replies

SimplyComplicated · 07/07/2014 13:24

I don't even know who I am anymore Sad

After a drunken night out at the weekend I ended up going home and spending the night with a friend of my very recent ex partner. He thinks it would be better not to tell my ex know what happened, but I am terrified he will somehow find out and how he will react if he does.

Although we are both single, I can't help but feel really shitty for what I have done. If it was roles reversed I know what people would be thinking and saying about a guy who had behaved as I did.

Should I try and convince the friend to tell my ex what happened? Just think it would be better coming from him as opposed to him maybe hearing it elsewhere.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/07/2014 13:28

I think if ever there was a case of letting sleeping dogs lie, this is it. You're clearly frightened of this ex partner and allowing that fear to restrict your life, cause you guilt and make you think irrationally. There is no obligation to tell your ex partner anything at all about your life at any time ever again. You're free.

'What people would be thinking'.... ?? .... what they don't know they can't think about and anyway it's none of their business what you do with your personal life.

handfulofcottonbuds · 07/07/2014 13:31

I don't think you've done anything wrong from what you've said.

My concern is that you have said you are terrified of your ex finding out, why? He is your ex and it's nobody's business.

Bogeyface · 07/07/2014 13:32

Why are you disgusted with yourself?

You are single, you dont need anyones permission and you know this guy. Its not like you dropped your knickers for all comers in the middle of a pub is it?

Why are you so concerned about your ex's reaction? Is he abusive?

SagaNorensLeatherTrousers · 07/07/2014 13:34

Are you hoping to reconcile?

MrsCosmopilite · 07/07/2014 13:42

I'm with Bogeyface - you haven't done anything wrong.

You are single, the guy you slept with is single.

SagaNorensLeatherTrousers · 07/07/2014 13:46

I agree with above, fwiw, just also trying to work out your "disgust" for yourself.

hellsbellsmelons · 07/07/2014 13:50

I am terrified he will somehow find out
Why are you terrified?

You've done nothing wrong at all.
I think someone's been getting into your head and making you feel this way.
Ignore him. He is your Ex.
You owe him nothing now.

I can only assume he was abusive???

Original poster
SimplyComplicated · 07/07/2014 13:56

He is hoping to reconcile, I definitely am not. I realised that our relationship was one I no longer wanted to be in - he was controlling, manipulative and I suppose emotionally abusive.

I suppose I am disgusted with myself as it was only 2 weeks ago that I left him, and like I said if it was roles reversed and a guy had done this, I know most people would think he was totally out of order.

I suppose I am frightened of him finding out as although he was never physically violent towards me, I don't doubt he be towards his friend.

Just can't ignore the feeling I have that he is going to somehow find out and not deal with it very well!

OP posts:
GoatsDoRoam · 07/07/2014 13:59

You've done nothing wrong.

It is of no concern to your ex what you do.

There is no need to plot and anguish about how he may or may not hear about this.

And "what people would think", if this thread is anything to go by, is that two single people are entitled to sleep with each other if they both so choose.

hellsbellsmelons · 07/07/2014 13:59

It's been 2 weeks.
You are single
You've done nothing wrong - really!
So he would be violent towards his own friend because he thinks you are still his possession!???
That's what it boils down to.
Are you still in contact with your Ex?
If not, then don't worry about it for now.
Carry on with your single life and you do what you want with who you want!
It's none of his business anymore!

tachehag · 07/07/2014 14:00

Oh don't worry about it. I'm sure you can both keep a secret!

piratecat · 07/07/2014 14:01

go easy on yourself, you have not committed a crime, you got pissed and slept with someone.

I am sure the person you slept with isn't going to straight to your ex and tell him.

It's already in the past, and you have ended your relationship.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 07/07/2014 14:01

You are single. Your ex is your ex. You haven't cheated on him. That said I might be a bit startled if you said it was your ex's brother. You didn't go with him behind your ex's back while you were still a couple I presume, so stay calm.

The man you had a ONS with, he may tell your ex he may not. If your ex rings you or approaches you, don't act guilty. When were you supposed to get over each other, hours? Days? Or weeks? Months?

How do you know that your ex wasn't sleeping with someone else within days of you splitting up?

GoatsDoRoam · 07/07/2014 14:03

x-post

I understand your fear, since he is abusive. But all the posts above still hold: you can sleep with whoever you choose to, and it is none of his business. If he doesn't deal well with the thought of you moving on and having a life of your own, that is, again, nothing that you can control. Leave him to his delusions of power and control over you, and don't let them stop you living your life to the fullest.

Do you have DC?

Are you afraid for your safety?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/07/2014 14:04

"if it was roles reversed and a guy had done this...."

I really don't think anyone's that bothered. Introducing 'new Mummies/Daddies' to children at an early stage or having a new companion for breakfast each morning might raise a few eyebrows but two single people having a ONS?... unless these people are Amish, it's a non-event

I'd suggest you need to take some time out, maybe look into some counselling or check out the Freedom Programme. You've clearly had a bad experience with this ex and need time to recover if you're to get past this self-loathing.

tachehag · 07/07/2014 14:06

I would just say chalk this up to experience and move on. Eventually you'll start dating again in a pretty normal way. It's very normal - lots of people have had a lost night with the wrong person after a breakup.

Don't worry. Was it fun?

Hissy · 07/07/2014 14:08

he was controlling, manipulative and I suppose emotionally abusive.

If you are in fear of your safety, please report this to 101.

You have the right to end any relationship you want, and start one with anyone else. He has ZERO right to take ANY kind of reactive action/revenge against you.

I'm sorry, but I watched Murdered by my boyfriend the other week, and this scenario was what triggered him to kill her.

Stay safe.

Get yourself on The Freedom Programme. Sharpish.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 07/07/2014 14:08

It took two. This friend is presumably old enough to handle the situation with ex by himself.

If you would not repeat the experience sober, maybe take care with your alcohol intake if it leads you into awkward scenarios. You may find you look back and rather like the memory once this misplaced guilt wears off, is this man someone you could picture yourself seeing?

It's a big wide world out there, you can't go around worrying what a controlling, manipulative and emotionally abusive ex-partner thinks of your life.

Frogisatwat · 07/07/2014 14:16

What he doesn't know can't hurt him.

Original poster
SimplyComplicated · 07/07/2014 14:26

I don't think I would go as far to say that I am concerned about my safety, he is nasty and capable of making me feel shit about myself but really don't think he would ever harm me physically.

Suppose I am just feeling the way I am as well because he used to get annoyed if I spoke to (or in his words flirted with) his friends, so by going and sleeping with one of them is just something I never would have imagined I would do!

What exactly is the Freedom Programme as it sounds like something I should maybe be looking into?

Oh and yes tachetag it was fun... a lot of fun!

OP posts:
neiljames77 · 07/07/2014 14:28

I know you're all virtually saying, "you're both single, no harm done" but I'll be totally honest here, I've been separated from my ex for a few months now but if I found out that her and my best mate had got it on 2 weeks after we'd split, I'd go ballistic. It's human nature. I think that deep down, you'd all feel the same.

You're both going to have to just keep quiet about it and hope for the best. No good could ever come from "fessing up".

tachehag · 07/07/2014 14:32

Glad to hear it was fun OP! May this be the first of several mindblowing trysts on the path to finding the true man of your dreams!

I don't think anyone's saying no harm done neil, but just that OP should keep quiet and in the long run it will end up not mattering. Fwiw I've done what OP did with a much nicer ex. Told the ex and he was very sad and it broke loads of friendships. I was young then (early 20s). As a 30-something now I know it's all water under the bridge and I was completely mental to fess up.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/07/2014 14:33

The Freedom Programme would probably do you a lot of good. It's aimed at female survivors of male abuse and helps you understand their motivations and techniques. Also it might help you deal with some of the after-effects... eg. getting rid of his 'voice' in your head, still controlling your actions even though he is no longer part of your life

@neiljames77.... no I wouldn't go ballistic or feel the same. Hmm Once you've had the 'it's been nice knowing you' speech everyone's a free agent, like it or not.

Original poster
SimplyComplicated · 07/07/2014 14:34

Thanks for your input neiljames What you have said is exactly what I was thinking, hence why I feel so bad about it. Although you say no good could come from fessing up, do you not think it would be better that your mate was honest with you rather than maybe finding out from someone else further down the line??

OP posts:
7Days · 07/07/2014 14:39

How would your ex find out Simply, unless you or the pal tell him?

I agree with both NEilJames in that it would be hurtful to hear it and tachehag also, in the long run it won't matter.

If you keep sctum while feelings are raw there will be no drama resulting form this.

You don't owe your ex anything any more - while you were with him you could be said to owe him the truth. No longer