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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Totally disgusted with myself...

88 replies

SimplyComplicated · 07/07/2014 13:24

I don't even know who I am anymore Sad

After a drunken night out at the weekend I ended up going home and spending the night with a friend of my very recent ex partner. He thinks it would be better not to tell my ex know what happened, but I am terrified he will somehow find out and how he will react if he does.

Although we are both single, I can't help but feel really shitty for what I have done. If it was roles reversed I know what people would be thinking and saying about a guy who had behaved as I did.

Should I try and convince the friend to tell my ex what happened? Just think it would be better coming from him as opposed to him maybe hearing it elsewhere.

OP posts:
rosepetalsoup · 07/07/2014 22:19

Hurray!!

Bogeyface · 07/07/2014 22:21

The friend sounds nice, and sensible although his taste in friends leave a lot to be desired!

Original poster
SimplyComplicated · 07/07/2014 22:38

Yeah bogey he's a lovely guy. Don't think he is actually fully aware of how much of a prick and the real person that my ex actually is!

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 07/07/2014 22:51

Dont write him off just yet then Wink

I married my "just a bit of fun"!

daiseehope · 07/07/2014 23:24

Don't utter a word! It will do no good and it's just to make you feel better.

Original poster
SimplyComplicated · 07/07/2014 23:44

Haha... yeah before the conversation ended he told me to keep in touch, and if there was ever 'anything I needed' Wink then to give him a shout as he would be always be more than happy to help! Obviously I am in no way looking for any kind of relationship with anyone right now, but it was nice speaking to someone that actually made me feel good about myself Smile

Daisee if you read back through previous posts you would see that I have already decided not to say anything, and if I had then I doubt very much that it would have made me 'feel better!'

OP posts:
Hissy · 08/07/2014 00:06

Good for you love! Well done! You sound a lot stronger!

Neil wondering how long something had gone on is not what you said. You said you'd be asking some serious questions.

What i'm saying is that you can wonder all you like, you can even ask a question, but you have no right to demand an answer, or persist in a line of questioning.

As the op says, her ex waited less time than she did, so dare say that further erodes your thinking on this. He hasn't got a leg to stand on wrt a reaction.

I think we can all put ourselves in the dumpee's position, but at the end of the day, challenging that situation and not taking no for an answer is usually actively discouraged by our friends in uniform.

neiljames77 · 08/07/2014 01:24

Never said I'd demand. Never said I'd persist.
Whatever though.

GarlicJulyKit · 08/07/2014 02:38

Yay, well done, Simply! Sounds like you picked your 'overwrite' well :)

Neil, I had no intention of pissing you off Confused Peace?

neiljames77 · 08/07/2014 02:59

GarlcJulyKit - Of course Smile
I'm probably being a bit spikey because I'm trying to do a12 hour night shift and I've had no sleep today.
Plus it's Bogeyface fault because all her post did was reminded me that I used to drive a dumper. Grin

FolkGirl · 08/07/2014 06:58

Neil Not just you, no.

I wouldn't go 'ballistic', and I might not wonder how long it had been going on.

But I would have assumed that they had both thought about it while we were together.

But they are entitled to their own lives and it's nothing to do with the OP' ex.

Simply I agree - it's none of his business and don't tell him. He won't find out. It feels very huge and 'out there' to you at the moment, but it's not. There are only 2 people in the whole wide world who know.

Don't feel guilty about it Wink

SanityClause · 08/07/2014 07:52

Simply, I would watch out for this friend of your ex. He doesn't seem a very loyal sort of person to me.

While you have done noing wrong - you were a free agent, after all - how would you be feeling if a friend of yours was shagging your ex. I think you'd feel pretty upset with her, even while acknowledging that they are both single.

Your ex is your ex, but he is not an ex-friend of the friend, IYSWIM.

You are in a bit of a vulnerable position right now, and it would be easy for the friend to take advantage of that. I would be quite suspicious of his "niceness", frankly.

Original poster
SimplyComplicated · 08/07/2014 10:33

Don't worry sanity my guard is well and truly up. Like I have said I am not interested in a relationship with anyone just now, I know that I need to be focusing on me and not anyone else just now. He knows that I am not in the right place to be getting anything new, so I genuinely don't think there are any alterior motives behind his niceness.

OP posts:
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