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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Totally disgusted with myself...

88 replies

SimplyComplicated · 07/07/2014 13:24

I don't even know who I am anymore Sad

After a drunken night out at the weekend I ended up going home and spending the night with a friend of my very recent ex partner. He thinks it would be better not to tell my ex know what happened, but I am terrified he will somehow find out and how he will react if he does.

Although we are both single, I can't help but feel really shitty for what I have done. If it was roles reversed I know what people would be thinking and saying about a guy who had behaved as I did.

Should I try and convince the friend to tell my ex what happened? Just think it would be better coming from him as opposed to him maybe hearing it elsewhere.

OP posts:
Original poster
SimplyComplicated · 07/07/2014 15:23

What you have said andthebandplayedon makes alot of sense... before I never would have done anything without his approval and certainly wouldn't have done anything that I though might upset him. In sleeping with a friend of his I have clearly gone against both of these which I suppose would help explain why it feels even more wrong!

OP posts:
neiljames77 · 07/07/2014 15:26

SimplyComplicated - Yes, the general consensus is to say nothing. It'd be pointless and damaging.

GarlicJulyKit - All seems a bit cold and robotic to me. I'm probably just projecting because that's the way I'd feel in his position. We're all different I suppose.

Original poster
SimplyComplicated · 07/07/2014 15:26

Sounds good to me tachetag have always fancied giving story writing a go!

OP posts:
Snapespeare · 07/07/2014 15:30

I think it is absolutely reasonable when you have just come out of a relationship, to want to feel attractive and to have sex with someone who might or might not be slightly inappropriate. When XP left, I slept with one of his friends within days of finding out that XP was having an affair.

No, don't 'come clean' about it. You are two consenting adults and your XP has no say over who you sleep with. It is none of his business.

mellicauli · 07/07/2014 15:31

You are a free, desirable woman who won't stand to be controlled any more. No one's judging you badly for it here. In fact, I think they are quietly cheering.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/07/2014 15:38

"I'd think that she obviously had no regard for me whatsoever"

Usually, ideas of 'regard' - in the sexual fidelity and consideration sense- rather end when the relationship ends. Nowhere is it written than boy meets girl, boy breaks up with girl, girl has to have her sexual conquests pre-approved by boy for a period of several months/years thereafter.

'Regard' in this context is to keep quiet, saving the OP some hassle and her lover his bollocks.

tachehag · 07/07/2014 15:38

Also Neil nobody feels sorry for the ex in this story because it seems the OP has tactfully said he's an arse.

ImperialBlether · 07/07/2014 15:39

Do you like this new bloke? Do you want to see him again?

There's no danger of him telling your ex if he's going to get beaten up so you don't have to worry.

Who ended the relationship between you and your ex?

Original poster
SimplyComplicated · 07/07/2014 15:40

Thank you all so so much for taking time to post BTW. Seriously didn't expect the responses I have got, was expecting a few people telling me that I was a shit person for jumping into bed with someone else so soon! You really have made me feel better about myself and the whole situation!

OP posts:
Original poster
SimplyComplicated · 07/07/2014 15:43

I liked him enough to shag him imperial but don't think I like him in the sense that I would want to see him continually. We have both agreed that it was a bit of fun and that was all. It was me that ended the relationship with my ex.

OP posts:
neiljames77 · 07/07/2014 15:51

tachehag - I don't feel sorry for him in the least if he was/is abusive.

I'm just surprised that some people could see or find out about their ex and best friend getting it on 2 weeks after the split and not be bothered. That's all.
I'm just saying I'd be asking all kinds of questions. I'm amazed that others wouldn't be.

lettertoherms · 07/07/2014 16:04

OP, good for you going out and having fun, staying away from your ex and taking your life back.

You've done nothing wrong and you're not disgusting in any way. As others have said, keep quiet, he won't find out, and you should not consider telling him. It's very difficult to break away from the control abusers have over us, and I think the feeling 'you should tell him' is part of that. It sounds like you recognize that.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 07/07/2014 16:10

I probably would be bothered - that's why I'd rather not know. It's an ex, our relationship is over. What's the point of going on about it?

I don't think you did a disgusting thing. Put it behind you and move on.

Hissy · 07/07/2014 16:45

simply said it was 'a friend' of his, nothing about best mate.

Bascially, blokes end relationships and go and shag other people ALL THE TIME, and as put out/hurt/upset as anyone could feel about it gives that person ZERO rights to say anything whatsoever, MUCH LESS get physical with the mate as was alluded to in the OP..

As far as asking all kinds of questions mate, you'd have NO rights at all tbh.

Short story: he may have the right to feel disappointed, but that really is as far as it goes. The relationship was ended. the OP did nothing wrong.

neiljames77 · 07/07/2014 16:56

So it wouldn't even cross your mind to wonder how long it'd been going on for Hissy ?

Must just be me. (which is a bit worrying!!!)

LadyLemongrab · 07/07/2014 17:06

Oh come on, it's a shitty thing to do.

Another strange MN schism, I'm quite sure most, if not all, of those saying op did nothing wrong would not shag the friend of a partner they'd just split from.

But he is not a very nice person so who cares! Just don't even think about telling him - pointless and inappropriate.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/07/2014 17:09

I don't think it's just you neiljames77 but it is worrying if you can't let go of someone in the way you're suggesting. In the old days you'd say goodbye, maybe pass in the street occasionally or hear a snippet of gossip from a friend of a friend. These days, what with FB etc, there's lots of opportunities for aggrieved exes to play stalker, obsess over 'who appears in photos with their arms around whom' and deliberately torment themselves with the future sex lives of former partners. I don't think that's healthy.

neiljames77 · 07/07/2014 17:22

CogitoErgoSometimes - I think you've misunderstood me. I wouldn't turn into some stalker who wouldn't let things go.
I've seen so many threads on here where posters have split from their partner for whatever reason, then see them in town, out and about with someone else and get upset.
It'd be worse if it was someone you thought was your friend.
Well I'd be pissed off anyway. (I'm obviously too thin-skinned!!!)

I'm not criticising the op either. The further away she stays from her ex the better. I'm just guessing at how he'd feel, even though he's clearly a twat.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 07/07/2014 17:39

before I never would have done anything without his approval
In sleeping with a friend of his I have clearly gone against both of these which I suppose would help explain why it feels even more wrong!

Simply, it should, perhaps, make you feel more strong, rather than wrong. Wink

You do not have to explain anything, let alone to your ex, especially not to your ex.

sykadelic · 07/07/2014 17:43

I'd be more upset about the friend than the ex-partner. Friends are supposed to have your back, and "sleeping with the enemy" would not be okay.

I also agree with neiljames77 that I'd be wondering whether it had happened before we broke up. Especially as the OP mentioned that the ex (controlling bastard though he was - let's assume he was "normal" for a second) took issue with her "flirting" with his friends.

So, exes story goes like this: "She was flirting with my friends while we were dating. Claimed she wasn't but she totally was. Proof? She slept with one of them 2 weeks after we broke up! At least, that's the only one I know about... so far!"

Ultimately my opinion doesn't matter because I don't own my ex or friend. They can do whatever and whomever they want. Doesn't mean I need to like it, or them, anymore. Doesn't make sense? Emotions don't always make sense but the trust in both of them would be gone because I couldn't get over the idea that they were eying each other up before the break-up.

If I were them though and I knew nothing untoward had happened while they'd been together, I'd write me of as well. Lack of trust in me would be the end of the friendship.

In the OP's case though - he's an abusive twat and you were lucky to escape. Don't let guilt bother you. You're an adult and you're both single. No-one was hurt, so don't tell anyone and it continues that way.

Bogeyface · 07/07/2014 18:03

I think the Freedom Programme is a good idea.

The way you say "come clean" implies that he is still in your head, that you think you should confess to him, own up to him. You owe him nothing, he has no right to any information about you, your life or your actions. You are single, the only person you need to own up to is yourself!

GarlicJulyKit · 07/07/2014 18:27

Neil ... You've surprised me on this thread. You do know it's okay to feel pissed off about something, have a little talk with yourself and get over it, don't you? Stewing in irrational emotions can even make people ill (not to mention do regrettable things.) In rehab they have this saying, "Sit with your feelings". Twenty minutes is the recommended time. Some things are obviously more complicated, and require extended posting on Mumsnet counselling to work through, but most just want a bit of recognition swiftly followed by reason.

Simply - www.freedomprogramme.co.uk :)

neiljames77 · 07/07/2014 19:44

I'm not sure whether you're suggesting I need counseling for something that hasn't even happened to me or you're saying I'm mentally unstable?
Christ! All I said was that if my ex got together with my mate 2 weeks after splitting, I'd be pissed off and wonder if it it had been going on longer.

Bogeyface · 07/07/2014 20:43

neil I think there are two seperate issues here.

Presumably the friend (in your hypothetical situation) knows that the dumpee wants to get back with the dumper. If the friend then starts something with the dumper, the dumpee would have every right to feel hurt and betrayed, but by the friend only because the friend knew the depths of the dumpees feelings. The friend would want to support the dumpee in getting over the end of the relationship. A good friend would support you and not jump in to your empty space thereby making the hurt worse. And in that scenario I have to admit that yes, I would be questioning whether it really was 2 weeks after the breakup. But I think that is normal when we are hurting, we want something to blame. Easier to blame an "affair" for stealing them from us than accept that the person we were with simply didnt love us anymore or want to be with us.

However, the dumpee has no right to do or say anything about the dumper moving on. Once the relationship has finished, both are free to do as they please, with whomsoever they please. It hurts but thats life.

Original poster
SimplyComplicated · 07/07/2014 22:16

Have spoken tonight with the friend in question and told him that I have now came round to his way of thinking and that saying nothing is for the best.

He agreed with most of you that I have nothing to feel bad about as I am a 'free agent' and can now do what and who I want! He also doesn't feel as bad as he says he probably should, but has confessed that this is probably because he knows that my ex seemingly didn't wait as long as I did before shagging someone else (only a few days and seemingly in the home we used share!)

He also agreed that what I now do should be of no concern to my ex and that I am well shot of him as in his opinion I always deserved much better than him anyway.

After my conversation with him, and reading all of your views on the situation I can say that 'disgusted with myself' is no longer how I am feeling... if anything I am feeling slightly proud of myself as I kind of feel that I have taken a step towards getting my own life back.

Have had a quick look at the Freedom Programme and think that it's definitely going to be worthwhile doing to help keep me looking forward now, so thanks to those of you who brought it to my attention.

Again thank you all so much for taking time to reply and share your views on the situation, really really appreciate it Thanks

OP posts:
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