Totally disgusted with myself...

[SimplyComplicated]

I don't even know who I am anymore

After a drunken night out at the weekend I ended up going home and spending the night with a friend of my very recent ex partner. He thinks it would be better not to tell my ex know what happened, but I am terrified he will somehow find out and how he will react if he does.

Although we are both single, I can't help but feel really shitty for what I have done. If it was roles reversed I know what people would be thinking and saying about a guy who had behaved as I did.

Should I try and convince the friend to tell my ex what happened? Just think it would be better coming from him as opposed to him maybe hearing it elsewhere.

Have never really thought of myself as being a 'victim of abuse' cogito however other peoples perceptions of our relationship have highlighted that maybe I was. Will have a look into the Freedom Programme then, if it will help me to move forward with my life then it will be worthwhile!

I dont know how he would find out 7Days theres just a nagging part of me that's saying somehow he will!

" maybe finding out from someone else further down the line??"

Was there a big audience to what happened? Who is this 'someone else' down the line who is going to go talking to your ex? You say he's likely to be violent and you've no right to expose this man to that kind of risk.

I'd be cheesed off, but I'm grown up enough to understand that my exes and friends are entitled to their own choices. If I wanted to feel betrayed by anyone, it'd be the mate. But I'd fight that, too, because it's irrational.

OP, irrational exes are ten a penny Waste your gilt on something else!

I may be wrong but controlling, manipulative and I suppose emotionally abusive doesn't make me think you enjoyed a mutually rewarding sex life with your ex.

In which case why wouldn't you look elsewhere when single and enjoy yourself when single.

Cog, so you wouldn't be thinking things like how long has it been going on or being planned? Are you seriously saying that if you split from your partner and your best friend was on him within a fortnight it wouldn't bother you?

I understand that feeling Simply

Just wondering, unless you left the pub together or were seen snogging on the road home, how would he find out?

Sit it out is my advice

You are so iused to being bound up with him, it's hard for something 'big' to happen in your life without him knowing. it would be the same if you got a promotion at work or reached yoyur target weight - any little bit of news would be something to share.

but thats part of breaking up isn't it, it's no longer their business and that hurts. ( regardless of possible abuse - just part of the process of detangling)

It might bother me if I found out about it but I'd be flabbergasted if the ex partner and the best friend came to see me all shame-faced and wanting to make a clean breast "Oh Cog! We just wanted you to know that we had a bloody good shag the other night." It comes under the categories of 'rubbing your nose in it' and 'TMI'.

No there wasn't an audience!!! No one else knows about it as far as I am aware, but just worried that somehow he will manage to find out!

Then you're being completely paranoid, I'm sorry. Your fear of your ex and their continuing influence over you is overwhelming your ability to think rationally.

Fair point! Keeping quiet about it it is then!

Just enjoy it OP -- think it over with a glass of wine and have a naughty giggle a yourself.

You'll have forgotten in a few months.

It's one of your experiences, after all, not one of your ex's.

Keep quiet, stay away from your ex, and look at the Freedom Programme.

Well I'll put myself in his position then. I'd think that she obviously had no regard for me whatsoever and is rubbing my nose in it. I'd also have nothing to do with the friend any more either and would feel like I'd been stabbed in the back.
I understand that this opinion isn't going to go down well here but I'm just being honest.
If the op had come on here to say, "I split with my partner recently and have just found out that he fucked my best mate 2 weeks after the split", would that be different?

Neil but how would you feel if you didn't know?

See?

Also she can't unshag him now, can she? is there an app for that?

Neil - No, it wouldn't! As Cog and I have both said, one might feel a bit put out, but would realise it's irrational and go shopping for a grip.

What he thinks doesn't matter.
It's his friend that should be worried certainly not you.

But what a way to get him back for being an abusive twat :)..

Tache. You'd make your fortune with that!

How can you deal with an event that hasn't happened to your knowledge?

Are you feeling guilty for finally having some fun? Without anyone's permission/endorsement, as an intelligent and independent adult that you are, imho, you should not be disgusted with yourself.

Perhaps you might be having difficulty identifying exactly what you are feeling? This is damage done from being in an emotionally abusive relationship; it is insidious.

However, in just a couple of posts, you have taken some time to think for yourself, instead of filtering your thoughts through the abusive one's template for you. You are doing very well to get to this point in just a couple of weeks!! He may be disgusted with you, but that does not equal you being disgusted with you. (Who even knows what he is thinking? It is irrelevant and you do not need to know!)

Take heed with Hissy's post. Although I did not see the program, it is never a bad idea to have emergency contingency plans in place.

A BIT PUT OUT????? ok.

I totally get what you're saying Neil hence what I said I know what people would be saying if the roles were reversed. I didn't post looking for people to tell me what I have done is ok, it was to see whether or not people thought we should come clean about it. And the general consensus is definitely not to.

Well, yeah, Neil. I don't own my exes or my friends. An ex is released from expectations of sexual fidelity when the relationship ends! Funnily enough, none of my same-sex friends have promised to check with me before having sex

However, in just a couple of posts, you have taken some time to think for yourself, instead of filtering your thoughts through the abusive one's template for you. You are doing very well to get to this point in just a couple of weeks!!

This, Simply!

Agree with Garlic.

You're allowed your own sexual history OP uncensored by your Ex! Own your story (but just don't tell anyone about this chapter at the moment).