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Original poster

One thing after another and I really don't know what to do....

108 replies

M2T · 30/03/2004 09:26

Couldn't be arsed changing my name for this. As some of you may remember I discovered that my DH had hidden my ISA bank card, told me it was lost and had been taking money out of it for months.... well we got over that. He explained and explained himself until I actually felt sorry for him!!

This morning I got up to go to work and put the TV on. DH and DS were still sleeping, DH is off today. The channel that popped up on the TV was a porn channel! I thought it was funny at first, but then I saw the video was on and I realised he had bought a porn film and taped it!!!!! He didn't come to bed until 1am this morning, which is unusual for him.

The thing that is really bothering me is that he has had problems in the bedroom dept.

mortally embarassed<

For a while now I have been talking to him about his lack of affection toward me. We've never been luvvy dduvvy or anything, but he's grown really cold to me.

Now I find that he's been taping porn. I confronted him on the phone on the way to work and he lied, then admitted it. I told him I didn't think I knew him anymore and was really hurt that he had felt the need to do this when he hasn't come NEAR me for months. He said he was sick of my arguing and that I was being ridiculous and eventually put the phone down after saying that he's had enough of me. Now he won't answer the phone, I'm 40 miles away at work and have been bawling my eyes out in the toilet.

What can I do? Have I been unreasonable?????

OP posts:
sykes · 30/03/2004 09:37

M2T - don't know what to say - just wanted to post something and bump it up. So sorry - hope someone has some good advice.

fio2 · 30/03/2004 09:42

I dont know what to sat either but i would be upset too. I dont think you are being unreasonable at all ((hugs))

Original poster
M2T · 30/03/2004 09:45

Thanks. He really cracked up when he realised he couldn't hide it. He says he didn't realise it was a porn channel until he had paid for the film.... and that he just put the tape on and came to bed. I'm going to check when I get in to see if he could be telling the truth, but I'm not stupid.
He says the only mistake he's made is that he taped it. But he won't offer an explanation as to why he taped it. He didn't even apologise.

OP posts:
emmatmg · 30/03/2004 09:47

Oh M2T , I can soooooooo understand how you feel about this.

We were in a similar situation a little while ago and I posted on here (under a differnet name, so will give myself away now). Up until the moment I found out what DH was doing I didn't have problem with porn, I stil don't really BUT it was the sneekiness of it all the upset me most. So I definatley DO NOT think you're being unreasonable.

Could your Dh be worried about the pregnancy and baby, How many weeks are you now? I know alot of men are concerned they'll hurt the baby....poor disillusioned fools. Has he been less affectionate since you've been PG?

The way I solved our porn problem was by asking DH how he would feel if he knew I was getting cheap thrill looking at men who were more handsome, had better bodies, bigger willies etc etc etc. That really hit him hard and the history on the computer tells me he has stopped looking at it. Now the history only ever shows websites for power tools!!!.

I hope it works out for you.

Original poster
M2T · 30/03/2004 09:47

Will I be able to check the viewing history to see if anymore films have been purchased? He said it was a genuine mistake and that he's never bought one before, but I don't believe him and I'd rather know the full extent of the lies before I decide what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
M2T · 30/03/2004 09:50

EmmaTG - I think I posted in that thread saying that it didn't reflect on how he felt toward you..... naive fool that I am!! You just never know until it effects you eh?

It's not to do with the pregnancy, he's been like this off and on since before I was pregnant. Incidentally we haven't had sex since I conceived and I'm 21 wks now. I haven't really felt like it either, but it's his coldness that bothers me.

Do you think this could mean he's having an affair?

OP posts:
fio2 · 30/03/2004 09:51

you think he is lying though dont you? I cant say it is that easy to pay for a film and tape it on accident. I think it would have been okay with you if he just hadnt been sneaky about it. Agree with emma though alot of men are turned off by pregnancy and hurting the baby (!)

emma had to laugh at your dh looking at power tools!

fio2 · 30/03/2004 09:52

are you sure he isnt just shy in that department? and no I dont think it means hes having an affair

Original poster
M2T · 30/03/2004 09:56

Fio2 - But his coldness started before the baby.... and together with lying about the bank card and money I'm starting to have serious doubts about his fidelity.
He's definitely not shy in that department (until his problems started).

OP posts:
kiwisbird · 30/03/2004 10:00

Jesus M2T that is horrible, I am so sorry...
My mum had a fellow who was impotent (they obv are older) but he used to watch porn, my mum couldn't deal with it... I do not think I could either
You are totally right to be upset, it is hard enough being pregnant without this stress too, is there any chance you can get a couple of hours heart to heart in with him, maybe break him down until he's ready to accept there is a problem there...
Good luck honey

emmatmg · 30/03/2004 10:00

God, M2T, do you think he is having an affair? is there anything else to suggest he is?

To be brutelly honest, I doubt if he is because he wouldn't need porn to ......err.......relieve himself if he was. Does that make sense?

Fio, I'm amused by the power tools too...bless him.

emmatmg · 30/03/2004 10:01

Sorry, yes of course there is other stuff....the money thing.

I still don't think ihe is though.

fio2 · 30/03/2004 10:03

did you ever find out what he was spending the money on? was there a good explanation for where it had gone?

gingerbear · 30/03/2004 10:05

Oh M2T, my heart goes out to you. I just imagined you in the loo at work trying to cope with all this.
I don't think he is having an affair, but the porn is a symptom of something else that is wrong. You say that you haven't had sex since you became PG - is he still affectionate in other ways, do you feel cold towards him too?

Did the same thing happen before your last child was born? I wonder if it is the stress of everyday life with a young child and now the prospect of a new baby that drained both your energy and left little time for each other?

Not sure if there is an easy answer, but you must talk and try to get to the bottom of all this.

(((hugs)))

Original poster
M2T · 30/03/2004 10:05

I just don't know him anymore. I really didn't hink he was capable of the elaborate lies I have discovered lately. What's next??

I'm dreading going home, I can't leave early as I left early yesterday coz I had a headache.

I know that he will just be SOOOO angry at himslef for getting caught that he'll take it out on me. He's blinded by his own guilt.

It's has gotten to the stage that I just wouldn't put anything past him. I've told him I'm going to phone my Mum and see if she can pick up our DS and look after him whilst he packs and leaves. But I can't get hold of my Mum.

It's such a mess..... we've only been married for 5.5 months!! It isn't supposed to be like this.

OP posts:
Original poster
M2T · 30/03/2004 10:08

It wasn't a lot of money.... £10 here and there so it was easy to say that he spent it on travelling to and from work and on DS's lunches for Nursery. I've no way of checking otherwise.

He won't back down, spoke to him again on the phone and he said he has nothing else to say to me and that I'm being ridiculous.

OP posts:
papillon · 30/03/2004 10:09

males and porn .,.. like boys in the lolly shop.

can understand u feeling rather deserted right now... like kiwibird said can u get a breather (leave early from work and go for a walk somewhere nice) and see if u can talk to him later.

papillon · 30/03/2004 10:12

oh.. thats a pity

Marina · 30/03/2004 10:14

M2T, I am so sorry to hear this - you are really having such a hateful time of it at the moment.
I don't have any experience of this sort of thing, but I'd say the wider picture suggests depression on his part rather than infidelity? It's just a hunch based on my suspicions that he is feeling so pissed off with himself over his behaviour lately that he is withdrawing from you (rather than turning to someone else IYSWIM).
What I do have experience of is men with depression behaving utterly irrationally and having no inkling of the havoc they are wreaking on their wives.
I seem to recall he suffered a sudden bereavement some time ago and you were concerned about his reactions to this. Do you think there is any possibility that his head-in-the-sand stuff over finance and this wretched film might be connected to his feelings about losing his aunt?
I would really recommend getting him to a counsellor of some sort, via your GP perhaps. So hard for you to be strong at a time when you need and deserve to be pampered and de-stressed, I know how that feels, believe me. Take care.

CookieMonster · 30/03/2004 10:15

M2T, I'm so sorry to hear all this. FWIW I agree with others that you're not being at all unreasonable - it's a totally understandable reaction to being deceived (and for the second time as well).
It sounds like the two of you need to sit down and thrash it out but if he's just going to lie I don't know if that will help ... sorry, I'm not being very constructive but my sympathy goes out to you across the ether. Hugs CM x

kiwisbird · 30/03/2004 10:18

He has hurt you, whether or not what he has actually done constitutes an offence in his eyes is irrelevent, his actions and deception and lies have harmed and hurt you, the mother of his unborn baby!!!!
If he can just accept that and be prepared to discuss it logically then you may have a chance of working this out. IT sounds like to you M2T that his breach of trust has been so far reaching that you cannot trust him on any level now and thats not healthy for any relationship.
I wish you strength for today ...
xx

iota · 30/03/2004 10:24

M2T - nothing constructive to add - but lots of hugs to you.

Original poster
M2T · 30/03/2004 10:26

Well.... just spoke to him again and he said he was sorry for being stupid, but the only reason he said that is because I asked if there was anything he could think to say!!

He now says it isn't porn... it's an erotic film and he never intended to watch it last night. He read the description, thought it sounded like a good film, bought it and taped it. He said he watched the first 10mins before coming to bed. How may holes in his story???

I told him I was going to try to get an itemised statement from Sky and he said..... "Do what you want I don't give a shit". He slammed the phone down and now I have text from him that I'm scared to read.

Maybe he is depressed, but he never helped me through my PND.... I just feel like Why should I give a flying fuck whether he's depressed or not. Maybe I'll calm down.

OP posts:
Jimjams · 30/03/2004 10:27

Wouldn't worry about the fact it was porn, but WOULD worry about the fact he hasn't just admitted it. And the money. Lying isn't good. Marina's suggestions sound plausable. Or do you think he's suddenly doing that boring male thing of feeling "trapped"- becuase he's married and now there's a 2nd baby blah de blah. I think you need to talk to him- but not about the porn- about the lies.

Marina · 30/03/2004 10:30

Oh M2T, things have moved on since I posted, I see. I'm so sorry he is behaving this way.