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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

One thing after another and I really don't know what to do....

108 replies

M2T · 30/03/2004 09:26

Couldn't be arsed changing my name for this. As some of you may remember I discovered that my DH had hidden my ISA bank card, told me it was lost and had been taking money out of it for months.... well we got over that. He explained and explained himself until I actually felt sorry for him!!

This morning I got up to go to work and put the TV on. DH and DS were still sleeping, DH is off today. The channel that popped up on the TV was a porn channel! I thought it was funny at first, but then I saw the video was on and I realised he had bought a porn film and taped it!!!!! He didn't come to bed until 1am this morning, which is unusual for him.

The thing that is really bothering me is that he has had problems in the bedroom dept.

mortally embarassed<

For a while now I have been talking to him about his lack of affection toward me. We've never been luvvy dduvvy or anything, but he's grown really cold to me.

Now I find that he's been taping porn. I confronted him on the phone on the way to work and he lied, then admitted it. I told him I didn't think I knew him anymore and was really hurt that he had felt the need to do this when he hasn't come NEAR me for months. He said he was sick of my arguing and that I was being ridiculous and eventually put the phone down after saying that he's had enough of me. Now he won't answer the phone, I'm 40 miles away at work and have been bawling my eyes out in the toilet.

What can I do? Have I been unreasonable?????

OP posts:

Bugsy2 · 30/03/2004 14:46

M2T, so sorry to read this thread and the troubles you are having at the moment. From what you've said, I keep thinking that your dh sounds unhappy and is coping with it really badly. This is probably not a great deal of help to you and it shouldn't excuse his behaviour, which is putting you under alot of strain at a time when you need rest and relaxation.
I'm with the others who have suggested that you stop texting now. I wouldn't even say anything when you get home. With my negotiations with H, I have noticed that a lack of words when he is expecting a load of verbal can be very effective.
Thinking of you.

Original poster

M2T · 30/03/2004 14:58

Thanks Bugsy and Emma. He phoned me about 15mins ago saying he loved me and that I shouldn't feel rejected by him, but that he's been silly and doesn't appreciate the things he has in front of him. I asked him if there were any more things I was going to discover and that I'd rather know now than find out later. He said there wasn't and he didn't make a habit of watching erotic films.
He asked me not to be sad and said he would talk to me properly tonight.

I am sad though, there is something clearly wrong in our relationship and I don't know what it is. All I can do is ask and ask and ask. If he loves me why is he so unhappy with me?

OP posts:

oliveoil · 30/03/2004 15:00

I think you need to have a long honest chat tonight about how you both feel. Maybe he says things to make you feel better because he doesn't want to burden you with any of his worries whilst you are pregnant iyswim, and so nothing gets solved for him as he is not being honest, does that make sense? That may be why you feel like you are just going round and round

Kayleigh · 30/03/2004 15:05

M2T, really hope you two can sort things out tonight. Good luck honey. Will be thinking of you.
X

Original poster

M2T · 30/03/2004 15:15

How can I make him tell me what's wrong? He says he is stressed at work. He got a promotion 3 wks back and he has been really enjoying his job.... He had been in a terrible rut before then. I thought things would get better now, not worse!

I don't know how many more emotional kicks I can take. I am so frightened of my PND re occurring when the baby is born and I NEED my DH to be there for me.

We go on holiday on Monday. Maybe just what we need.

OP posts:

Kayleigh · 30/03/2004 15:17

I think a holiday is exactly what you need. Perfect timing I'd say.

Janstar · 30/03/2004 16:36

Hi M2T, I'm so sorry you are having such an upsetting time. I understand how hurtful it is to find he is looking at this stuff when he has a real woman lying in bed who wants him. It is an insult, IMO. As you say, it would be an entirely different matter if your love-life was fulfilling and he had not done it behind your back.

Do you think the whole marriage and pregnancy thing has been a bit of a shock to his system. These life-changes can be very stressful whether they are longed-for or not. Perhaps he is confused to find himself stressed by changes he desired and facilitated. The promotion is yet another change. Perhaps he was looking forward to it as a new start, and is disappointed to find that life is not all that different.

I would wholeheartedly recommend counselling as I'm convinced it would help enormously if only you can persuade him to go. Counsellors have a way of picking up on small things people say and following them up with the right questions to help a person explain what is bothering them. Your dh may want to explain but find himself too confused to do so. He needs someone who is trained to help him explain his feelings to himself as much as anyone.

Don't despair, it sounds as if he does love you to me, but he is going through some kind of personal crisis. He's not doing it to hurt you but that is the result. Hang in there for him, be patient, firm and loving and guide him to Relate.

Big big hugs. Our men need a lot of mothering, don't they?

Original poster

M2T · 30/03/2004 16:40

Thanks Janstar - Such words of wisdom. That's the word I was looking for..... it's insulting.

I think he will go to counselling if I book it. The way he was on the phone I think he'll do just about anything rightnow, but I don't want it to be his usual grand gesture with no long term gain.

Fingers crossed for this evening.

OP posts:

littlemouse · 30/03/2004 17:08

M2T - I changed my name for this but have posted before. Your DH sounds an awful lot like my ex from several years ago (although I am fairly sure from family situations he can't be the same person).

My ex was terrible with money and like your H was blacklisted and ended up owing me a lot of money. He also had a porn thing and owned probably 100 blank tapes with films recorded on them. I tried discussing it with him several times but not once in the 4 years we were together did he admit to watching them (he claimed they were left over from a lads student house and he was the last to leave so had to take them). I knew he did though as he was stupid and would leave them in the video player. He also appeared to have a very low sex drive and we would have sex so rarely it wasn't true. He was touchy feely with me when out with friends but quite cold and unfeeling at home.

I was young and rather naive and never confronted these issues like I should have done. The relationship eventually broke down. I have thought long and hard why an essentially good man should be like this.

I think what I am trying to say to you is that you must really nip this in the bud. TBH I don't think your H has a porn problem (like you I was open to the idea but it was the secrecy I hated). He probably bought the film as an experimentation and is finding it hard to admit this to you because he finds it hard to admit to himself. He probably has some deeper underlying problem which needs to be resolved.

Unfortunately for you, if he has a problem of some sort then YOU will have to be the one to sort out the counselling for you both. If it is a problem with him (I believe my ex had issues because he was abandoned by his mother as a child and he'd never really addressed this) then hopefully couple counselling will help him realise he needs some assistance on his own.

Re sex when pregnant - I think a lot of women have posted here that they don't get much either. My DP just doesn't fancy the idea and whilst I'm pretty horny I don't like the idea either. We also don't do a lot of other stuff but I'm not fussed about the idea of ANY of it. I don't think that's unusual.

I really hope for you that you get the opportunity to talk about this and that he opens up to you. Try and keep things in perspective - write it down if it helps to pin point the reasons in your own mind exactly what it is about his actions that have upset you. Also (this is pop-psychology from magazines now) try to depersonalise your language. You are pregnant, you and your son need him around. It shouldn't be you having to look after him at this point BUT it might have to be for a little while.

(How was he in your first pregnancy BTW? Men seem to be so much less interested 2nd time round).

Original poster

M2T · 31/03/2004 08:42

Morning All,

Littlemouse - That sounds awful for you.

I spoke to DH last night and he was SOOOOOOO embarassed by the whole situation. He said he genuinely has never bought am erotic film off of Sky before and was keen for me to get an itemised listing to prove that to me. He said he hadn't realised it was porn until he had purchased it and then after watching it for 10mins decided to go to bed. He had taped it purely because he had paid for it and couldn't be bothered staying up to watch it. He didn't feel the need to hide the fact he had done this as he didn't think I'd mind particularly.

I listened, then he listened to me. I told him that it didn't bother me if he wanted to watch it, but it was the combination of his distance from me and other lies over the passed couple of months. He told me he loved me so much and didn't want this to spoil us. He says he does feel a bit strange about sex/pregnancy issue, but is willing to explore other avenues of intimacy.

He thought counselling was a very good idea as he has real problems with his confidence and like most men, finds it hard to open up. He has been stressed with the new job although he really enjoys it, and has been taking that out on me and ds.

We had a really good chat and I s'pose it was much easier to put it into perspective when we were talking face to face.

So I'm feeling a bit better today about the whole situation. I know he loves me, but perhaps we all need a bit of a shake every now and then to remind us not to take our partners for granted.

OP posts:

Janstar · 31/03/2004 08:50

M2T, I'm so relieved, I am in tears. See, I knew he loved you . Have a good day!

WSM · 31/03/2004 08:50

I'm glad things have turned out ok for you in the end M2T . Do push for that counselling though.

Original poster

M2T · 31/03/2004 08:56

I definitely want to push for counselling this time. I know how easy it is to brush things aside during the better times and just get on with things until there is another 'incident' where I'm left feeling hurt.

We'll have our holiday first then book ourselves in when we get home.

OP posts:

CookieMonster · 31/03/2004 08:57

very pleased to hear you had a constructive talk last night and that you're feeling better.

Janstar · 31/03/2004 09:00

You can go to Relate to make a good relationship better. They are very happy to help with that.

Original poster

M2T · 31/03/2004 09:08

I'm really hoping we can get a few issues ironed out before the baby comes. Perhaps if I feel really secure within our marriage and if DH feels more 'worthy' then we'll be able to cope better with PND should it raise it's ugly head again.

OP posts:

fio2 · 31/03/2004 09:11

I am so pleased

fio2 · 31/03/2004 09:12

that you have worked things out I mean, and I hope you escape the pnd this time. If not at least your family/dh will know the signs this time

dinosaur · 31/03/2004 09:34

Oh M2T I'm really glad to hear things are looking a bit brighter today - was thinking of you last night and wondering how you were getting on. All the best {{{{{{ {}}}}}}}}}}

Twinkie · 31/03/2004 09:54

Goodness just caught up with this M2T - I'm glad it has been resolved to an extent. XXX

Kayleigh · 31/03/2004 10:04

M2T, so pleased that you were able to talk to each other. It's the best way to resolve problems and it sounds like you are on the way to sorting out your difficulties. It does sound from what you say that your dh does want to make things better for you both. Keep at it, don't expect things to improve overnight.

Sonnet · 31/03/2004 10:13

M2T - so pleased you had a good talk last night - I was thinking of you as I was chopping the veg for supper...see this is what mumsnet does for you, makes you worry and worry about people you've never met.....
Hope the couselling goes OK!!

beetroot · 31/03/2004 10:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Batters · 31/03/2004 10:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scoobysnax · 31/03/2004 12:29

M2T, glad things are looking better today, I have been worrying about you!
I thought my pregnancy would be a wonderful carefree time and it wasn't for me either so I feel for you.
Hope you have a great holiday.

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