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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

One thing after another and I really don't know what to do....

108 replies

M2T · 30/03/2004 09:26

Couldn't be arsed changing my name for this. As some of you may remember I discovered that my DH had hidden my ISA bank card, told me it was lost and had been taking money out of it for months.... well we got over that. He explained and explained himself until I actually felt sorry for him!!

This morning I got up to go to work and put the TV on. DH and DS were still sleeping, DH is off today. The channel that popped up on the TV was a porn channel! I thought it was funny at first, but then I saw the video was on and I realised he had bought a porn film and taped it!!!!! He didn't come to bed until 1am this morning, which is unusual for him.

The thing that is really bothering me is that he has had problems in the bedroom dept.

mortally embarassed<

For a while now I have been talking to him about his lack of affection toward me. We've never been luvvy dduvvy or anything, but he's grown really cold to me.

Now I find that he's been taping porn. I confronted him on the phone on the way to work and he lied, then admitted it. I told him I didn't think I knew him anymore and was really hurt that he had felt the need to do this when he hasn't come NEAR me for months. He said he was sick of my arguing and that I was being ridiculous and eventually put the phone down after saying that he's had enough of me. Now he won't answer the phone, I'm 40 miles away at work and have been bawling my eyes out in the toilet.

What can I do? Have I been unreasonable?????

OP posts:
emmatmg · 30/03/2004 10:30

The text might be an apology M2T, don't be scared to read it.
I always text DH if I hate admitting I'm wrong. It's easier than actually saying the words.

Not much help but please don't be scared.

Original poster
M2T · 30/03/2004 10:31

The text says "Don't phone me again".

I told him he had hurt me and lied to me. He just said he hadn't lied and not to be ridiculous about him hurting me. He acutally said "You're not going to make me feel like a dirty bastard for buying a film".

He just can't see it and he's totally destroying me.

OP posts:
Easy · 30/03/2004 10:31

Oh M2T how horrible.

Obviously, I don't know your situation, but I wonder if there's more going on in the background?
Why did he need to 'borrow' your ISA card for the odd tenner here and there? Is he short of money, do you earn more than him? and would he be ashamed to ask you for he odd sub?

If he feels that he should be providing for you, but can't that can start a whole load of psychological stuff that men find hard to deal with. Look how many men can't tell their wives when they lose their job, and pretend to go to work.

He perhaps feels he should be your provider (esp with baby on the way), but can't for whatever reason, so can't look you in the eye (hence his coldness). If he feels down about this, he needs some escape, so used porn just to relieve his tension. And yes, he's just made it worse by getting discovered.

I think you need to get to the root of why he has become so cold, then why he wanted the porn. Try not to launch in all judgmental, cos you just row and don't find out anything, esp. if you just chuck him out.

and fwiw, it doesn't sound like he's having an affair.

chin up !

Original poster
M2T · 30/03/2004 10:34

Easy - I am the main earner and since his previous indiscretions with money he is black listed. Everything is in my name and that's the way it's always been. So I don't think it would start to bother him to this extent now. But perhaps that is a part of it.

But that isn't my fault. I just don't understand why he is repeatedly hurting and deceiving me. Then when he gets caught out he actually makes it worse by saying that he's had enough of me and is sick of my arguing??!

He's supposed to love me.

OP posts:
lazyeye · 30/03/2004 10:37

M2T - you are having a tough time, I'm sorry.

I agree with JimJams further down - wouldn't worry too much about the fact that its porn (although can seee why you are upset, think I would be), but i have lots of friends whose partners openly use porn - films, mags and the wives don't have a problem with it......not sure if I could do the same. BUT the lies, the coldness, the lack of interest is a problem & of course you know these are the ones you need to get to the bottom of.

Could you maybe e-mail him at work and ask him to take a day off this week and try to sort it all out? You have so much on your plate.

Goood luck pet.

Original poster
M2T · 30/03/2004 10:40

Thanks everyone for responding to me. I am reading every post with great appreciation.... even if I'm not answering all the questions yet. I'm kind of updating you all as it happens.

Lazyeye - He's at home today and I'm at work in an open plan office and hour and a half away.

I fell so confused and helpless. He knows I can't talk here, but I thought by phoning him it would give him the opportunity to talk and try to make me feel less rejected and hurt. Not the case though..... just met with more hostility and phone slamming.

OP posts:
Tinker · 30/03/2004 10:44

M2T - maybe leave the phone calls for a few hours. I know how tempting it is to keep ringing and wanting to know what's going on but think, maybe, you could a) make he feel more "justified" that he is being "nagged" (his interpretation) and b) not give him any space to think about the effect it's had on you. Sorry you're going through this.

Kayleigh · 30/03/2004 10:47

M2T just wanted to post a hug. So sorry you are going through this. You don't deserve to be treated like this.

{{{x{}}}}

Original poster
M2T · 30/03/2004 11:00

I just texted him saying that it's not the porn, but the lying and sneaking around. I said he had made me feel worthless and hurt. He replied: "I haven't lied, I have been stupid. Sorry you feel hurt".

What's THAT supposed to be? Not "sorry I've hurt you" or "Can I try to make this better".... but he's just sorry that I feel the need to be hurt by his actions. It's just getting worse.

OP posts:
Original poster
M2T · 30/03/2004 11:02

Just got another text...

"If that's too much for you to handle then I'll leave coz I'm not being made to feel like a perv for something so petty".

And there you have it....

OP posts:
fio2 · 30/03/2004 11:03
Sad
neetsmassi · 30/03/2004 11:04

M2T - just wanted to post to say I know how you must be feeling -I had the porn issue ( and something else)a couple of months ago and it devastated me - not necessarily that it was porn but that he was sneaky and lied to me about it. Sending you gig hugs and strength.

Original poster
M2T · 30/03/2004 11:06

... and another text. He's on a roll and obviously doesn't think I feel shitty enough:

"Look at the bigger picture, I taped a film on TV that I would have probably never watched"

OP posts:
emmatmg · 30/03/2004 11:09

give him the better body, bigger willy line that I used..........that might make him see things differently.

IMHO it is him who is making a mountain out of a mole hill saying that he'll leave.
You've said it's not the porn but he seems to be only going with that.

HUGS {{{{{}}}}}

kiwisbird · 30/03/2004 11:11

I think you should stop texting! LOL this will only escalate into massive ruction which is no good when 1.5 hrs away!
Tell him it's not that simple, you would like to discuss it sensibly in adult fashion later in the day... Ignoring him may have more benefits

Original poster
M2T · 30/03/2004 11:11

I just replied saying that he had BOUGHT the film specifically when he already knew he had a wife that felt disgusting, confused and rejected by her husbands coldness. Perhaps it's he that needs to see from my point of view.

No reply from him.

OP posts:
Original poster
M2T · 30/03/2004 11:12

Kiwisbird - Unfortunately my DH would relish the prospect of me ignoring him.

OP posts:
Tinker · 30/03/2004 11:14

Switch your phone OFF

Easy · 30/03/2004 11:15

No look, you really need to stop texting and phoning right now, it's just becoming a pointless argument which you can't properly resolve while you're at work.

Put your phone away, get on with something else, and Calm down a bit. Really I know you're steaming mad, but you can't do it like this. If you wait till you get home you can say it all, and throw things if he doesn't listen properly

Original poster
M2T · 30/03/2004 11:16

But Tinker - I'm going off my head at work. I just want him to at least make me feel a bit calmer so I can bear to work the rest of my day instead of sitting at my desk on the verge of tears. It is driving me insane thinking of him at home laughing at how ridiculous I'm being ( in his eyes).

OP posts:
Original poster
M2T · 30/03/2004 11:18

I won't be home until 6.30pm. Then I can't say anything until DS goes to bed at 8pm. How can I possibly last until then when it's been left like this?

OP posts:
kiwisbird · 30/03/2004 11:18

I agree, you're giving him all this power, he should be the one feeling out of control not you honey...
Don't allow him to damage you any further today...

Original poster
M2T · 30/03/2004 11:24

He still hasn't replied anyway. The fact that he can continue to hurt me like this today shows me that he probably doesn't love me that much anyway.

And to think I'm carrying his fucking child again.

OP posts:
Batters · 30/03/2004 11:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
M2T · 30/03/2004 11:31

Thanks Batters. I can't talk to anyone about this in real life. It's all too humiliating. At the moment I just want to hurt him like he has hurt me.

I have suggested counselling before and got the number for our local marriage counselling service. It's hard for me to call though as the office I'm in is so open and quiet. I asked DH to make us an appointment after the bank card incident..... he didn't call. I'm never off during the week. I suppose I could've called yesterday, but thought things were perhaps improving slightly. How wrong can I be?

OP posts: