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Original poster

One thing after another and I really don't know what to do....

108 replies

M2T · 30/03/2004 09:26

Couldn't be arsed changing my name for this. As some of you may remember I discovered that my DH had hidden my ISA bank card, told me it was lost and had been taking money out of it for months.... well we got over that. He explained and explained himself until I actually felt sorry for him!!

This morning I got up to go to work and put the TV on. DH and DS were still sleeping, DH is off today. The channel that popped up on the TV was a porn channel! I thought it was funny at first, but then I saw the video was on and I realised he had bought a porn film and taped it!!!!! He didn't come to bed until 1am this morning, which is unusual for him.

The thing that is really bothering me is that he has had problems in the bedroom dept.

mortally embarassed<

For a while now I have been talking to him about his lack of affection toward me. We've never been luvvy dduvvy or anything, but he's grown really cold to me.

Now I find that he's been taping porn. I confronted him on the phone on the way to work and he lied, then admitted it. I told him I didn't think I knew him anymore and was really hurt that he had felt the need to do this when he hasn't come NEAR me for months. He said he was sick of my arguing and that I was being ridiculous and eventually put the phone down after saying that he's had enough of me. Now he won't answer the phone, I'm 40 miles away at work and have been bawling my eyes out in the toilet.

What can I do? Have I been unreasonable?????

OP posts:
CountessDracula · 30/03/2004 11:43

M2T, you don't think you might just be blowing this out of proportion do you? I agree it's galling etc but it's not worth destroying your relationship over. Try and take some deep breaths and calm down, don't text him again and try to talk about it tonight without flying off the handle.

I'm sure he's not laughing at you, he's probably feeling very stupid and sheepish, but wouldn't you rather he watched a bit of porn than went off and had an affair or something?

Sorry, I do know you are very upset but I just thought maybe if you stop and think for a bit that you could calm down and not get yourself so stressed - it's not good for you or the baby!!

Biggest hugs (((())))

Original poster
M2T · 30/03/2004 11:48

But CD, it's not the porn that's annoying me. It's the fact that he has TOTALLY ignored me for months. We haven't had sex since I conceived.... he has been having sexual problems which have made me feel useless and rejected. Yet he thinks it's okay to toss himself off whilst I'm lying upstairs alone in bed.... again. THEN he thinks I'm in the wrong for asking about it, and I'm stupid and petty to feel hurt.

It's much more than porn.... I watch porn sometimes!! I don't hide it.... and I don't have a problem with porn.

I do have a problem with a husband that won't come near me to even cuddle in bed, but can go behind my back and tape an erotic film..... AFTER all the lies and humiliation over my ISA account.

I wish it was just about a porn film.

OP posts:
oliveoil · 30/03/2004 11:49

Oh poor you . I am 20 weeks pregnant and haven't had sex since conception either, you are not unusual in that respect. I am too tired for one.

I wouldn't be bothered about the porn, most men do use it either openly or not, maybe he is more embarrassed that you discovered it and is getting all defensive rather than attacking you? Also, and please don't take this the wrong way, you may be overreacting due to your pregnancy, not that it excuses any bad behaviour on his part, just that the smallest thing can get blown up with hormones etc flying around.

Maybe send him a text saying you are at work and upset but will speak to him later, you don't need this at work.

Hope things work out ok, hugs flying from me.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Original poster
M2T · 30/03/2004 11:50

OO - But its not me. It's him! He won't come near me.

OP posts:
oliveoil · 30/03/2004 11:51

Not even for cuddles? You still need cuddles...

Original poster
M2T · 30/03/2004 11:52

Only 3 days ago I was crying telling him how rejected I felt by him. It's not sex I want. It's affection and closeness of some sort. I told him his coldness made me feel ugly, disgusting and rejected.

Now this?? I don't care if he watches porn. But to abandon me in the process. After stealing money from my savings account he was supposed to be trying to make it up to me and make me feel reassured in the relationship..... not cheated and even more rejected.

OP posts:
Original poster
M2T · 30/03/2004 11:58

He used to OO. That's the problem. He's never had that high a sex drive, but he's always tried to be close in other ways. But since before the wedding he's been cold. On our wedding night he passed out in the Foyer of the hotel and the next day he got drunk with his pals whilst I watched DS who was incredibly ill.

I think I've been in denial for a long time about how bad it is.

I climbed in beside him when he was having a nap. DS was sleeping in the other room and I wanted a cuddle. He was awake by this point, so I cuddled in. He lay there like stone until I ASKED him to put his arm around me, he did it reluctantly! That isn't normal..... and it's not the first time.

OP posts:
sis · 30/03/2004 11:59

Oh M2T, I'm sorry you are going through this and agree with the advice that you could perhaps try not contacting him for a few hours to marshall your own thoughts and then talk to him about his recent lack of honesty and why he is being so cold towards you. take care,
sis

oliveoil · 30/03/2004 12:00

Have you mentioned the counsellign thing to him?

Have to go out now, haven't abandoned you, will be back after errand xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Original poster
M2T · 30/03/2004 12:10

Just got a text from him again:

"I'm sorry I've seemed cold. I'm pissed off with myself for being so stupid yet again. I haven't recognised that you must be feelin shit too. Sorry."

I haven't replied.

OP posts:
Thomcat · 30/03/2004 12:18

Firstly sorry you're feeling rubbish and sad etc M2T and lots of love to you.
However, DO NOT TEXT HIM AGAIN TODAY. You have to leave it now because it's getting out of control.

The issue isn't him taping the film but that's how it started so he's only thinking about that and thinking how ridiculous this all is. which if it was only about the film, it is. However your issues run deeper and foir longer. So leave it now so the film thing can blow over and it's not about that anymore, then PICK THE RIGHT TIME, to talk to him again, calmly, that you feel lonely and would like the two of you to make a bit of an effort in making things better, like they used to be.

I think you should keep calm and not panic.
If he's feeling a bit pissed off with everything right now, and lets face it we can all go through these little phases, you both just need to chill it out and be nice to each other again.

Am I making sense?

oliveoil · 30/03/2004 12:26

That text is ok though I think, he is trying to apologise. Maybe send him one back (so he knows you are not ignoring him) just saying ok or whatever but you will speak to him later with some xxxxx so it is left friendly, even if that is not how you feel. Best not to leave him to feel ignored and fester all day iyswim.

Original poster
M2T · 30/03/2004 12:29

I can't see that I haven't made an effort to be nice to him and try to get close. I have, and have been emotionally slapped each time. I have completely run out of energy for this marriage (if you can call it that).

Perhaps this is just the last straw for my own self respect.

I am so tired of talking about his coldness and his sexual problems. I think it's reached the point where I don't think I want to make an effort with him after trying to for months. He has no respect for me and puts no importance onto how this makes me feel. The last time he came onto me sexually I told him I didn't feel very well (which I didn't) and he knew it. There was no closeness, he just walked up to me and groped me, I said can't we just have a cuddle. He sighed and turned away from me. Since then if I talk about his coldness he says that he tried to have sex with me, but I shrugged him off. I didn't. He hasn't 'made love' to me for more than a year. This baby was conceived after he woke up horny and he was almost on top of me when I woke up!! That's my lot and if I don't like it then that's just tough for me..... he isn't offering anything other than a quick fuck, every couple of months when he's horny.

I don't feel loved in the slightest. I HAVE talked to him about this and he's put his arms around me and said the things I've wanted to hear.... then 3 days later nothing has changed and then THIS.

OP posts:
oliveoil · 30/03/2004 12:32

Don't know what to suggest, hugs (((((()))))), sounds like you keep going over old ground. Does he realise how unhappy you are?

Original poster
M2T · 30/03/2004 12:33

OO - I can't help but feel that this text is only him putting down what I want to hear rather than anything meant. He has said sorry too many times for too many things. I'm sick of his grand gestures that are meaningless after a few days. After tonight he'll make a big effort and hug me constantly for 2 days or so..... then back to normal. Do I have to got through this emotional torture for a couple of days of feeling loved?

I still haven't texted back.

OP posts:
Original poster
M2T · 30/03/2004 12:34

OO - Thanks, I have told him I am desperately unhappy, but sometimes I feel like I'm talking to a wall.

OP posts:
Thomcat · 30/03/2004 12:37

Sorry hon', sounds as if you're at the end of your tether. Hope you can work it out. Don't know what to suggest. I just didn't want things to get out of contro if it could be helped.

Original poster
M2T · 30/03/2004 12:41

I know there probably isn't much anyone can suggest..... it just helps to type it all out..... you know how it is.
I'm just sick of hoping that this is the thing that rrrrrreally changes the situation. Each time I'm rejected and talk to him about it I think "Surely he understands this time".

OP posts:
dinosaur · 30/03/2004 12:59

Oh M2T, I've only just caught up with this. I'm so sorry honey - big hugs {{{{{{ {}}}}}}}

I haven't got any clever suggestions - it sounds like you've done and said all the right things - but keep posting if it helps.

Original poster
M2T · 30/03/2004 13:27

Hi all. Just got back from lunch. I have 2 texts from H. Both saying how sorry he is and not to be angry with him and not to let this spoil things after our chat the other night.

He says that he is just prone to having these bouts of complete stupidity and can I forgive him.

I think he is serious and genuine, but it still makes me wonder how many other things about him I have yet to 'find out'. A lot of damage has been done, but at least now he is acknowledging that he has really hurt me.

I'm dreading going home.

OP posts:
emmatmg · 30/03/2004 13:33

You'll be fine tonight, he does seem to be seeing things from your side now and so hopefully there shouldn't be any arguments to worry about tonight.

Hugs again{{{{{}}}}}

Kayleigh · 30/03/2004 13:34

I don't think that sending you text messages is in any way an apology. It should be said in front of you and he should bloody well mean it.
The two of you should be sitting down together and having a proper conversation. Sounds like he wants to make sure the conversation isn't going to happen as he wants your forgiveness before you get home. His way of avoiding a showdown ?

Original poster
M2T · 30/03/2004 13:36

I hope so Emmatmg. I just want to feel special again. I don't mean showered with romantic gestures..... just a little affection and respect.

OP posts:
Original poster
M2T · 30/03/2004 13:37

Kayleigh - Yes this is probably his way of avoiding confrontation, but I'd rather he texted me this than it was just left silent until I got home. At least this way I have something to cling to until we can sit down this evening.

OP posts:
emmatmg · 30/03/2004 14:45

You are special M2T, you're pregnant and you can't get any more special than that.