DH has done something lovely but I am furious with him about it. Can you help me articulate why???

[TeaFor6]

Brief background is we have been married 9 years, mostly very happy. 4DC DC aged 8, 5 and 6month old twins.

Previously we have always had at least 1 holiday abroad a year. With the (unplanned) arrival of 2 babies things are obviously a bit tighter money wise. So we agreed we would not go abroad this year but would do days out and maybe a long wknd somewhere for ‘holidays’. I can’t lie- I was a tiny bit disappointed about not going abroad. I know it’s a bit of a first world problem but I do look forward to getting away. But I didn’t make any kind of fuss about it and I am excited for what we do have planned.

Anyway, this morning DH sits me and DDs down and announces he has booked a ‘surprise’ holiday abroad. Due to fly in 3 weeks! He booked it over a month ago. I could just about get over him booking it without telling me but I am livid that he chose to tell me at the same time as the DC’s. I am NOT a bloody child. We are supposed to be equals, partners who make decisions about these things together. Surely I’m not wrong on this???

I KNOW he was trying to do a nice thing for me but I just feel so undermined and patronised! And he just doesn’t think things through. He’s booked us a villa. So has he thought about if its in a practical location i.e. easy to push a double buggy around? Close to restaurants/supermarkets? (self-catering of course, so will he be doing all the cooking/washing up? I doubt it) Are there things for the girls to do? Is the house practical with 2 young babies? No. He hasn’t thought about any of that. Nor the inconvenient flight times (fly out at 1am). Plus I will now have to cancel appointments for that week, and a party invite for DD1 that she had already accepted.

On the less practical side I’m upset because I would have liked to have some say in choosing the holiday myself. I love looking through brochures, choosing where to go and counting down the weeks until we leave and I feel a bit like he’s taken that away from me (very childish I know, but it’s how I feel)
I know some people will say I’m being ungrateful and maybe I am, but I suppose I’m pissed off because its just another example of him making a bloody great decision without discussing it with me and just expecting me to put up with it. (It's not that long since we had a big discussion about him doing this and I thought we'd got somewhere but obviously not. It's like he thinks my opinion doesn’t matter ) And it feels like he’s done all the fun bits on his own and just left me to think about the practical stuff as usual Plus it might have been nice to have the fun of telling the DCs together. Now he's SuperDad and I get no credit (again very, very childish I know)

I’m trying to explain some of this to him but I’m one of those people who, when I get angry and frustrated, I end up in tears It’s pretty hard to sound sane and reasonable when your voice cracks into a sob every time you try and say something!

Am I right for feeling like this? He just can’t understand why I’m upset and I feel guilty for being so angry when he really was trying to do a nice thing I'm just sick of always feeling like the miserable one who puts a dampener on everything. I don't want to always have to think about the practical side but somebody has to! How do I get through to him??

i'd make the best of it instead of being negative about the entire thing.

I think the OP is making the best of it.

Presumably you would have been up for the puppy, too?

There is no self catering holiday on earth that I would do that flight for. Nothing could be worth it

I think some people just like to go against the flow on principle

Is it not often cheaper to fly at silly hours? Perhaps the flights were booked for that time as that is all the funds would allow. But yes I agree it is an oversight.

However it is easy to sit back trying to find problems and ruin the holiday for everyone than to make an effort to enjoy it, warts and all. OP would be better off refusing to go than going along with ultra negative, passive aggressive attitude some of the posers are displaying here.

I mean if OP's DH had come to her and said "we have been offered a free holiday to X location at Y time, do you want to go?" I bet the reply would be "well it isn't perfect but who can turn down a free holiday!" not"

I would try to look at it like that, rather than effectively crying over spilt milk.

It's not about the holiday. It's about the OP not feeling that they are working as a team.
She feels that she has to keep picking up the pieces whenever he has a whim. That is what it is about.
In my opinion obviously. Sorry OP.

Honestly, I would rather not go than go on a holiday that started at that time and meant a lot of catering and entertaining of small babies in an unchildfriendly location. But I don't travel well at the best of times, this would not be the best of times!

And how frustrating to think that, with a little planning and foresight, they could have had a more appropriate holiday. I expect had the dh taken these things into account the OP would find it a little easier to go with the flow.

Ach, I'm sure she will eventually but she only heard today - it must have been a...shock. Especially after puppy gate. And I wouldn't fancy it myself. Unless it was Italy.

I do wonder what his thought processes were in telling her the same time as the kids...(I'm like a dog with a bone on this)

I mean nobody reasonable would choose to get small children to the airport for 11pm, hang around for 2 hours (if flight on time), fly with tired fractious children for 2-3 hours, arrive in hot foreign parts at 4-5am, go through security, wait for baggage, then make their way to s/c accommodation who-knows-how far from the airport (hire car? Taxi? Bus?) & start sorting out beds in a strange house for exhausted children after a sleepless night

But then Vampyre is probably used to nocturnal activity

longtime - that scenario involves the op in the decision making process though so is actually a lot better.

I'd try and pay for a flight upgrade to a decent time in that scenario by the way!

Why is the intention clearly right? That's bollocks.

They had agreed he wouldn't do rash things which would impact his whole family and he reneged on that.
They had agreed that they couldn't afford a holiday abroad and he booked one anyway.
He hasn't considered whether the house is suitable for babies.

If he'd wanted to do a nice thing, he would have surprised the OP with his parents' generosity and they could have chosen a holiday that worked for the whole family. A holiday isn't a holiday if you're stressed the whole time. His intentions were all about the big Disney dad reveal. If he'd been adult though and talked to the OP about it beforehand, he would have had to share the glory with her.

Anyway, that's probably enough character assassination - hopefully he'll finally learn his lesson. Hopefully the ILs can come along too which will make everything a lot less stressful for everyone

I hope they can get into the villa when they get there :(

I assume there is not a simple option to cancel the holiday, get a refund and re-book? If it is quite an expensive holiday even if you didn't get all the cash back you could re-book a cheaper one?

If OP feels that strongly she absolutely shouldn't go. But I think going along with a negative attitude looking for problems would be really childish and unforgivable.

This is not about the holiday at all is it?

At the moment, in my relationship, I would be delighted. But that is because it would be an unusual thing, and it would be well thought out, and he would only do it with something that I liked and worked for me.

But in your relationship OP he has form for making decisions without consultation, for not thinking things through etc.

So this is really not about the holiday at all. This is about your relationship and the way you work as a couple.

wrt to the holiday, you have a choice cancel or go and make the best of it.

I would be checking details and then deciding if it was worth it.

Haven't read the whole thread, but when one person unilaterally books a family holiday it inevitably goes down badly with the other person. One of my parents' worst rows was after Mum booked a holiday without consulting Dad. (I think it followed years of Dad taking us on his type of holiday.) Ironically Dad really enjoyed the holiday, whereas Mum was as generally miserable as ever. Such was life...

So no, OP, don't blame yourself for being upset.

I just wanted to share my experience of a villa holiday when we had DC of 6, 3 and nine months. Everybody else in the family thinks of it as their best holiday ever, but I was just doing things with a young baby that I would have been doing at home but with the added complications of heat, unfamiliar food and a house that want particularly child-friendly.
(This was a holiday I had a part in choosing btw). Would have been way harder with twins!

I'm afraid that I most certainly wouldn't be grateful for this holiday surprise. I can't think of anything worse than SC, in a villa, with 4 kids, two of whom are babies. I simply would not go. DH could go if he wanted, he could even take the two older kids and leave me with the babies, but I wouldn't go. God no.

My ex still remembers the rows when he was a child and his dad went out and bought a house without even so much as mentioning it to his mum.
They still live in that house, 20 years on. She still hates it and misses their old house.

Steppemum has it.
It's about the relationship.

This does not look like something for the OP or even for the children. It's a holiday, but looking at the details it's inconvenient and it's difficult. He didn't check if the wife and the children would have a good time.
It looks like something for him, actually.
And he booked it a month ago!!! Why on earth is he telling her about it now??? The OP should have had the heads up not to book other things.

Argh it's Puppydad?! No, you're not being unreasonable. He is being utterly thoughtless and infuriating.

OMG you will have to let someone know that your daughter cant go to a party.......LTB

Yes getthefeck that's the big issue

phiney - I don't think OP should be at all grateful! I think her DH has been a prat and deserves telling so. However, she is going on the holiday, so I thought I would offer ways in which to make it slightly more bearable.

Better to put in some of the effort before hand to make it less of a nightmare when there, even if she is having to put in the effort. And it is a pita not at all bitter since I have to book everything to do with our family holidays even for the pils