DH has done something lovely but I am furious with him about it. Can you help me articulate why???

[TeaFor6]

Brief background is we have been married 9 years, mostly very happy. 4DC DC aged 8, 5 and 6month old twins.

Previously we have always had at least 1 holiday abroad a year. With the (unplanned) arrival of 2 babies things are obviously a bit tighter money wise. So we agreed we would not go abroad this year but would do days out and maybe a long wknd somewhere for ‘holidays’. I can’t lie- I was a tiny bit disappointed about not going abroad. I know it’s a bit of a first world problem but I do look forward to getting away. But I didn’t make any kind of fuss about it and I am excited for what we do have planned.

Anyway, this morning DH sits me and DDs down and announces he has booked a ‘surprise’ holiday abroad. Due to fly in 3 weeks! He booked it over a month ago. I could just about get over him booking it without telling me but I am livid that he chose to tell me at the same time as the DC’s. I am NOT a bloody child. We are supposed to be equals, partners who make decisions about these things together. Surely I’m not wrong on this???

I KNOW he was trying to do a nice thing for me but I just feel so undermined and patronised! And he just doesn’t think things through. He’s booked us a villa. So has he thought about if its in a practical location i.e. easy to push a double buggy around? Close to restaurants/supermarkets? (self-catering of course, so will he be doing all the cooking/washing up? I doubt it) Are there things for the girls to do? Is the house practical with 2 young babies? No. He hasn’t thought about any of that. Nor the inconvenient flight times (fly out at 1am). Plus I will now have to cancel appointments for that week, and a party invite for DD1 that she had already accepted.

On the less practical side I’m upset because I would have liked to have some say in choosing the holiday myself. I love looking through brochures, choosing where to go and counting down the weeks until we leave and I feel a bit like he’s taken that away from me (very childish I know, but it’s how I feel)
I know some people will say I’m being ungrateful and maybe I am, but I suppose I’m pissed off because its just another example of him making a bloody great decision without discussing it with me and just expecting me to put up with it. (It's not that long since we had a big discussion about him doing this and I thought we'd got somewhere but obviously not. It's like he thinks my opinion doesn’t matter ) And it feels like he’s done all the fun bits on his own and just left me to think about the practical stuff as usual Plus it might have been nice to have the fun of telling the DCs together. Now he's SuperDad and I get no credit (again very, very childish I know)

I’m trying to explain some of this to him but I’m one of those people who, when I get angry and frustrated, I end up in tears It’s pretty hard to sound sane and reasonable when your voice cracks into a sob every time you try and say something!

Am I right for feeling like this? He just can’t understand why I’m upset and I feel guilty for being so angry when he really was trying to do a nice thing I'm just sick of always feeling like the miserable one who puts a dampener on everything. I don't want to always have to think about the practical side but somebody has to! How do I get through to him??

He's a tit. I wouldn't go unless he can change flights and investigates how he can make it easier for you like hiring a nanny for a few days or finding a kids club.

My DH would know I would hate him to do something like that and to get so many details wrong! But your DH either doesn't know you hate the idea, or worse, knows you would hate the idea....

Sorry I have only skim read the most recent posts but oddfoods point about check in thime at the villa gave me a jolt. Can't believe I didn't think of that!
SO I checked with DH and apparently we can get into the villa at 11am local time (2hours ahead). So 3 and half hour flight, land around half 6, an hour to get through the airport,half hour travel to the area we're staying in. That means getting there around 8ish- leaving 3 fucking hours until we can even get into the house!!!! This is exactly what i'm talking about when i say he doesn't think things through!

I asked him what he thought we would for 3 hours with nowhere to go and he said "well we can go for brunch or something...Look round for a bit"

Argghhh!!!!!!! How the fuck can we 'go for brunch' with 4 overtired, cranky children and an even crankier wife and a pile of luggage! Fucks sake

I want to make the best of this and be grateful, I really do, but i'm not finding it easy!

You can make the best of it without necessarily being grateful. Why have gratitude for something you would not have chosen for yourself?

Very disempowering.

Highly unlikely they will be able to get into the villa before 2pm or even 4 pm with some companies peak season , so probably at least 6 hours entertaining 4 children in the resort .

we have always done SC villas and even now with teenagers I pay meticulous attention to the gap between arriving and getting into villa and even worse between leaving villa and flight home ; awful memories of having to hang around in hot resort for 8 hours before flying home with everything in cases etc.

I knew before even reading this that it would be puppygate man, in a way i think he needs to reap what he sows because in my experience the only way these "cross that bridge when we come to it types" will learn is by experiencing it.When he has jiggled baby twins and two tired under 10s through a sleepless night and then a hot day in a resort where he will have to find at least two meals , and he will have to help (and to be fair OP did say he was hands on) he will remember the problems for next time .

yes Ehricloves i agree, almost make me wonder why she mentioned it......

Just say no then. Don't go.
Just because it's paid for doesn't mean you have to do it.
If what he has booked can't be amended to a workable degree then just nix it. If he wants to do it he can go on his own or take his parents with him.

Oh 11 am bad but pretty early by most companies/owners.You also need to check what time you need to leave at the end , must be early if they can clean and have ready for the next people by 11am

Is it a private villa, or in a tourist complex?

If in a complex, I'm sure you can leave your luggage at reception and go somewhere.

OP, you have every right to be furious, even without taking puppy gate into account. Your DH clearly doesn't see you as an equal partner, who has the right to be involved in important decisions.

Surprises are fine when a) they are genuinely pleasant for the recipient and don't create huge amounts of extra work b) the giver has actually thought about the recipient's wishes c) the surprise involving the giver making choices that are not theirs to make (e.g. about money/time)

Had the DH planned a weekend away, checked carefully to make sure nothing was booked in that weekend, chosen a holiday that would be easy and pleasant for OP, done all the necessary planning and spent only money that was his (and so didn't impact on family finances) she might have had a different reaction. But even then, if I were her I'd want to be told before the DCs.

As it was, what the DH did was selfish and not thoughtful or kind at all. He clearly did not actually consider Tea's wishes at all.

I think I would let it go, he meant well and it's a person's intentions that are most important. Enjoy yourself and be pleased you are a good judge of character to have married such a lovely man who thinks his wife needs a few nice surprises. I like the sound of him

He's just thick really, isn't he?

How does he explain booking it a month ago and telling you now?

That is the problem with the appointments and the invite. He has known for a month that it's booked, allowed Tea to make those appointments and accept the invitation and now she has to unbook.

Not to mention all the other problems with this booking.

Queenofthepirates did you read OP's previous thread? He did something similar about a month before booking this holiday, OP had words about how inconsiderate he was and he promised not to do it again... He knew full well how she felt. Or would have known had he stopped to consider for even 30 seconds...

I think I would let it go, he meant well and it's a person's intentions that are most important

He 'meant well' about the puppy too & that caused massive ructions & a big important discussion after which he agreed he would consult before any big decisions in future

That was slightly over 2 months ago

This may be a pointless post...but my DH wouldn't have dared do anything so fucking ridiculous without consulting me. Actually, he did once agree to us attending a "fun" day at a rugger club when my DC were about this age....DH discovered why is really wasn't that fun....

Seriously, this holiday sounds like some sort of hell on earth, which would be lovely if you didn't have the twins.

I would go with a smile on my face, and make DH do all the hard work like placating the twins on the flight, manning the pool, shopping for food, and figuring out how to board a double buggy. (You'll probably need to by a new one which folds small ha!)

Oh, my DH would silently suffer if he pulled this one on me!

He did not mean well. This isn't some wonderful surprise she should be oh so grateful for. It's a pain in the rear. Why should she be so thrilled with a present she doesn't want or need and could end up a nightmare holiday? To make him feel better? To be polite? Playing the happy little wife at home whilst he patd her head and doles out his vacation benevolence?

He wants to look like the all round good guy and hero to his kids and anyone else passing that might be remotely impressed at the expense of his knackered wife who is running around after four small children all day. He has ulterior motives, whether it is guilt about not being around for the kids as he works so long, or some insecurities and needing to show for. He's ignoring her wishes despite the fact that they have discussed this problem behaviour of his already. Spending family money they don't have much of, and taking money from his parents without her consent. She seems irrelevant in his decision making process. And he doesn't listed to her. Any one of the above gives anyone the right to get pissed off, and when you combine the lot it's no wonder the OP is seriously frustrated.

If I were you I'd leave the kids with him and go shopping whilst you wait for the villa to be ready. I have a 5 week old and I can't imagine doing your holiday with her, let alone four of them. You're braver than I

I genuinely can't understand why people think you should be grateful because 'heart in the right place' etc., even though I can see why he should get a bit of slack as it's not wholly your money.

Grown ups don't tell other grown ups where they are an what they are doing 'for fun'. Holidays are precious (or at least they are to me). He could have done so much better by involving you in the process, even if you'd ultimately selected the same option (perhaps not with the 1am flight - we avoided a hillwalking holiday this year (our usual thing) because of flights and they weren't that awful!).

OP, have a calm down, and go on the holiday.

Let your DH do the hard work and decision making (let him figure out what to do until you can check in) and see how it goes. Act all helpless like you can't make any decision, or don't mind.

Sit back and watch and inwardly laugh.

If it was me, I wouldn't be angry. I would just exercise my rights as a free individual and say, 'Thanks, it was kind of you to think of this but it's not realistic or fair with the babies so small. I've never been into surprises and I'm disappointed we didn't get to plan something together that might have worked. But thanks for the thought.'

He would never try it again.

And don't sit back and let him work out the grown-up details. Or if you do, be prepared to watch your family disintegrate in stressful chaos with all sorts of repercussions for the children while you internally hyperventilate trying to make your point before cracking anyway.

livingzuid has it covered I think.

It's because the choice was taken away from you ..by firstly arranging it without you and secondly by telling you in front of the dds so if you were angry it immediately looks as if mummy is spoiling everything.