DH has done something lovely but I am furious with him about it. Can you help me articulate why???

[TeaFor6]

Brief background is we have been married 9 years, mostly very happy. 4DC DC aged 8, 5 and 6month old twins.

Previously we have always had at least 1 holiday abroad a year. With the (unplanned) arrival of 2 babies things are obviously a bit tighter money wise. So we agreed we would not go abroad this year but would do days out and maybe a long wknd somewhere for ‘holidays’. I can’t lie- I was a tiny bit disappointed about not going abroad. I know it’s a bit of a first world problem but I do look forward to getting away. But I didn’t make any kind of fuss about it and I am excited for what we do have planned.

Anyway, this morning DH sits me and DDs down and announces he has booked a ‘surprise’ holiday abroad. Due to fly in 3 weeks! He booked it over a month ago. I could just about get over him booking it without telling me but I am livid that he chose to tell me at the same time as the DC’s. I am NOT a bloody child. We are supposed to be equals, partners who make decisions about these things together. Surely I’m not wrong on this???

I KNOW he was trying to do a nice thing for me but I just feel so undermined and patronised! And he just doesn’t think things through. He’s booked us a villa. So has he thought about if its in a practical location i.e. easy to push a double buggy around? Close to restaurants/supermarkets? (self-catering of course, so will he be doing all the cooking/washing up? I doubt it) Are there things for the girls to do? Is the house practical with 2 young babies? No. He hasn’t thought about any of that. Nor the inconvenient flight times (fly out at 1am). Plus I will now have to cancel appointments for that week, and a party invite for DD1 that she had already accepted.

On the less practical side I’m upset because I would have liked to have some say in choosing the holiday myself. I love looking through brochures, choosing where to go and counting down the weeks until we leave and I feel a bit like he’s taken that away from me (very childish I know, but it’s how I feel)
I know some people will say I’m being ungrateful and maybe I am, but I suppose I’m pissed off because its just another example of him making a bloody great decision without discussing it with me and just expecting me to put up with it. (It's not that long since we had a big discussion about him doing this and I thought we'd got somewhere but obviously not. It's like he thinks my opinion doesn’t matter ) And it feels like he’s done all the fun bits on his own and just left me to think about the practical stuff as usual Plus it might have been nice to have the fun of telling the DCs together. Now he's SuperDad and I get no credit (again very, very childish I know)

I’m trying to explain some of this to him but I’m one of those people who, when I get angry and frustrated, I end up in tears It’s pretty hard to sound sane and reasonable when your voice cracks into a sob every time you try and say something!

Am I right for feeling like this? He just can’t understand why I’m upset and I feel guilty for being so angry when he really was trying to do a nice thing I'm just sick of always feeling like the miserable one who puts a dampener on everything. I don't want to always have to think about the practical side but somebody has to! How do I get through to him??

Perhaps you should make the effort to read some of the posts then WildBill - RTFT or don't make such uninformed comments!
It's really really easy to highlight the OP's posts - at the very least you should bother your arse to read those.

So you don't think those 300 posts might cast a bit more background than the OP, Wildbill?

The OP is not the controlling one in this relationship - she doesn't routinely do things that have a big impact on the family without consulting her spouse, unlike her DH.

The OP's husband doesn't have to think things through as she comes along and sorts it all for him. I'd just not say a word, go and as mentioned above, act completely helpless and shrug your shoulders when it all goes pear shaped.

I've been through this with my DH.

Background, I'm a SAHM and he loves me and likes to treat and surprise me.

Perfectly understandable but what he failed to appreciate us that for me, the joy of holidays is as much about the planning and excitement of the build up. That meant his actions deprived me of that.

I also had issues with feeling less equal because I wasn't earning so it really highlighted what I saw as inequalities in our partnership.

When we did thrash it out, I was able to fully appreciate his wanting to spoil me and he was finally able to see my side of it. This was fab because he made me appreciate that I was completely wrong in my perception of self worth in our lives and I've been far happier ever since.

I can imagine that when it all goes pear shaped he will move swiftly in the other direction. He will look to OP to sort it all out.

I would not subject myself to travelling all night to arrive at a villa early morning. And where will he find a place to serve brunch anyway and at that time of day?.

Thumbwitch and BillnTeds

I'm sorry I didn't realise you are in charge of mn. In future I'll e-mail my opinions on a thread to you first and ask if you agree with them and if I can post them on the OPs thread ok?

My views still stand, I've read enough to form an opinion. OK so they are flying not driving but I fail to see why OP is getting so worked up over this nice gesture. There is nothing that can not be tackled with a more laid back attitude. Luggage can be left in secure places, cars can hired.

I refuse to jump in the mn bandwaggon of always always making out the man is in the wrong. It's amazing how many harpies here can't separate their own bitterness of life from the facts of a post.

I simply don't think the H is the evil plotter people are making him out to be here.

OP go and enjoy your holiday, your husband tried to do somethng to make you happy. It may not have been done exactly how you would have done it but enjoy it. Make the most of any given situation!

No don't bother - I'm not interested in ill-informed opinions based on less than half the available information, thanks.

You clearly still haven't bothered to RTFT if you think most posts are calling him an evil plotter. Thoughtless and inconsiderate would be a closer summary, with a side order of "hasn't bothered to learn from the last, recent time he did something similar."

But I hadn't got harpies on my bingo card yet today, so thanks for that.

OP has every right to feel both angry and upset here and she has already stated as much.

A departure time of 1am from a UK airport with four children of varying ages is not my idea of fun at all. They will all arrive at their destination tired and hungry and also without ready access to entering the villa. This has not been at all thought through by him.

If this is an individual villa rather than one on a villa complex they could well end up sitting outside waiting for the owner to show up with the keys. Where can luggage be left in such circumstances?. Answer nowhere so with them; I can clearly remember waiting for the owner to show up with keys. Many villas have late check in times as well as early check out times.

OPs DH has completely overstepped the mark yet again by booking this holiday by telling her only at the same time his children were informed. HE wanted this holiday so he went ahead and booked this regardless of the consequences to the OP and family, it was done by him to make him look like the Hero (and its worked because his children see him again as being a wonderful dad). He will also look to her to sort out any problems that crop up at the time. His lack of impulse control here is one huge red flag, to him his wife's opinion does not matter.

Or maybe he was just trying to be nice...?

WildBillfemale

s/c can be bread cheese, cold meats fruit and salads for a week - it doesn't have to be a mega effort

You sound like a man, actually.
Someone still has to shop and do the washing up.
And what about the children of 8 and 5? Will they also be on bread cheese, cold meats, fruits and salads for a week?

I have to say I like the idea of bikini shopping.
Leave it all to him, as it was a lovely surprise from him to you. You were not involved in the decision process, so he will arrange it all. He will be dealing with the children, the cleaning and the washing. Right? You are on holiday.
And tell him now that's how it's going to be.

I may be wrong, though, but I suspect if you cancel this one or he has to step up, you will soon be dealt with another lovely surprise, until you give up complaining. I do hope I am wrong, really.

I didn't see abuser anywhere in the thread...

There are none so blind as those who will not see.

he knew OP was disappointed because they weren't having their usual foreign holiday.

He also knew the OP didn't want this type of thing sprung on her. The type of surprise that gave her more work.
He knew she wouldn't like it and kept it from her for a whole month...

Read the actual thread.

The original plan agreed by the OP and DH was not to go on holiday abroad this year due to finances. He has gone ahead and booked a holiday abroad anyway along with only telling her at the same time as the children; how can that be construed as in any way as a nice surprise?. It was done by him mainly to make him look good in his childrens eyes.

The OP's husband agreed not to do this again around 23rd April [according to the puppy thread]. And he booked this surprise holiday at the start of May [according to this thread]. So it took a week or so to go back on his agreement to not do things without discussion with his wife.

I'd sooner be a miserable crone than a thick ignoramus who is too arrogant to read the actual details of the situation.

I would be super pissed off, especially about his attitude when you reminded him he wasn't supposed to be making big decisions without you (ESPECIALLY when that involved over ruling a decision you both made together!)

I would write out a list of everything that needs to be done between now and the holiday, (laundry, packing, passports, transport to airport/to villa, etc), at the villa itself (food shops, cooking, cleaning), and then give him the list.

If this is a holiday he wants to organise for his family, then let him organise it. You had no say in the glamorous stuff (like...where the fuck you are going), so if he just expects you to sort out all the boring shit behind the scenes, then you can tell him to go fuck himself.

You need to remove yourself completely from the planning of this. He said he didn't understand why getting a puppy was such a big deal (is his IQ higher than 12? Seriously? How can someone not understand that a puppy requires time and energy and work?!?!). It's obvious he doesn't have a clue how much workj is required to prepare a family for a holiday.

SO MAKE HIM DO IT FOR ONCE.

That's the only way he is going to understand. Just absolutely refuse to pick up the pieces this time. If you do, then you kind of lose the right to complain - make him do it.

I bet he wouldn't be too pleased if the situation was reversed.

What if the OP had also booked a surprise holiday at the same time with money from her parents?

Wildbillfemale
I really don't know why you post on mumsnet other than to wind people up.
Every time I see your name I think 'here he/she goes'
I have suggested in the past you get a hobby other than goading people. But it appears that is your hobby.

The shopping alone makes me feel queasy, I'm just back from a lovely holiday but it was weeks of prep including buying new summer clothes, shoes, swimsuits etc and all the other bits you need to feel prepared for a holiday abroad. Add in a few hours days of personal grooming....

The shopping alone makes me feel queasy, I'm just back from a lovely holiday but it was weeks of prep including buying new summer clothes, shoes, swimsuits etc and all the other bits you need to feel prepared for a holiday abroad. Add in a few hours days of personal grooming....

Yeah, looking on the bright side at least OP has 3 weeks' notice to get her ladygarden topiary trimmed.

Also, I've just spent part of the morning surrounded by maps, guidebooks and t'internet planning the itinerary for our forthcoming family roadtrip & I'm jiggling with excitement about actually doing all of it. Can't imagine being deprived of this. (Sunny side of control-freak tendencies.)